Editing Angry Marines (section)

== The Life of an Asshole ==

* From the records of Governor Tamel of Pathos Secundus.
* File #34476A: Captain Asshole
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A boy was born in the year 895.M38, on Pathos Secundus. Little is recorded of his parentage. His father was a Guardsman, known only to be missing and presumed dead, and his mother died in childbirth. The pregnancy had no complications, and so an autopsy was conducted. Wounds throughout the mother's uterus and all along the birth canal indicated extreme trauma; video recording of the birth confirmed the medical examiner's suspicions: he had come out cuntpunching (sic).<br>

The child spent his youth in and out of various orphanages and foster homes. Several of his caretakers attempted to name him, but whenever anyone asked him his name, he responded only by punching them in the throat. He was regarded as mad and dangerous at the very least; many believed he harboured some mutation, or even the mark of Chaos. At the age of ten, however, he finally found a home. An Angry Marine Quartermaster had made planetfall to procure supplies, and the young boy happened to be in the area. The Marine shouted to him, "''HEY, ASSHOLE, BRING ME THAT FUCKING HAND TRUCK IN THE CORNER!''"<br>

The youth approached the hardened battle-brother and kicked him squarely in the groinplate, breaking two of his toes but making not a sound and shedding not a tear. The Angry Marines had found a new recruit.<br>

At the time Asshole was inducted, the Chapter Master of the Angry Marines had decreed that new recruits should become standard Codex scouts. The issue was put to a vote, and the chapter at large declared this decision to be "''COMPLETELY FUCKING FAGGOTROCIOUS,''" however the decree stood for a time on the basis that the Chapter Master did it "''JUST TO PISS YOU OFF, YOU WORTHLESS TWATS!''"<br>

This did not well accommodate young Asshole. The one thing they could never teach him to do was aim, and he spent far longer than normal languishing in the 10th Company. Finally, in 176.M39, during the Scouring of Erhlinger Prime, he proved himself. After emptying an entire magazine into an Ork horde with no effect, Asshole abandoned his cover, howled madly into the sky, and broke his sniper rifle neatly in half across his knee. He then charged the band, tearing limbs from any greenskin that stood in his way, until he was standing face-to-face with the Boss Mek. Asshole took the two halves of his ruined rifle and spitted the Ork from both ends of his digestive track-- right through his flash kustom 'ardpantz, no less. The remaining xenos turned tail and ran. For his heroism, Asshole was immediately inducted to the 5th Company and promoted to the rank of Sergeant. Nevertheless, the Chapter Master shortly thereafter judged that the newbies were 'pissed off enough', and reinstated the Angry Gangs.<br>

Asshole rose quickly through the ranks, finally becoming Brother-Captain of the Battle Barge ''Killfuck Soulshitter'' in 722.M39. During his career, he developed a special hatred of Eldar, and would often be heard to claim that "''THEY MAY AS WELL BE GODDAMN PRETTY MARINES FOR ALL THEIR FAIRYASSED PANTSHITTERY!!''" In 756.M39, the ''Killfuck Soulshitter'' was called to push back an incursion on the Coluphid Sector by Eldar. The campaign was a terrifying success, and in its last moments, Captain Asshole confronted the Farseer Turiel and her daughter Sorith, one of the Seer Council, personally. Breaking Sorith and casting her blithely aside in one swift blow, the Captain approached the Farseer, shaking with rage. Before she could react, he slammed her to the ground, removed his groinplate, and raped the Eldar psyker with a brutality she no doubt ever imagined in her 424 years. As he finished, he rose, readjusted his armor, and looked the horrified Sorith in her eyes, saying "''I FUCKED YOUR MOM!''" He turned and left, letting the two witches steal into the Webway. A Marine in Asshole's retinue, puzzled, asked "''WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET THOSE DYKES GET AWAY, YOU RETARDED COCKSICKLE?''" In an astonishing display of restraint, Asshole replied simply "''THOSE SPACE WHORES AREN'T THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN PLAN AHEAD, YOU DICKWEED!''"<br>

In 989.M39, Captain Asshole received a pizza with mushrooms instead of pineapple, and suffered an aneurysm while pummeling those responsible. Thus, his Battle-Brothers cybernetically mounted him into one of the Chapter's [[Dreadnought|Dreadnoughts]]-- or, as they prefer to call them within the Angry Marines, a [[Belligerent Engine]].<br>

Thirty years later, the Chapter met the same Eldar again on the field of battle. The carnage played out much the same as before. All that remained were Farseer Turiel, and Sorith -- and the Belligerent Engine in which Captain Asshole was fused. A terrible din was heard. Suddenly, Captain Asshole's turgid member had punched right through the armor plating of the Dreadnought, with the Angry Marine himself in tow, and lodged itself between the buttocks of the Farseer with the force of 10 supernovae. He turned to Sorith and spoke his last words to her before slaughtering them both.<br>

"''EVEN IN DEATH, I STILL FUCKED YOUR MOM.''"<br>

Captain Asshole, victorious, then breathed his last on the field of battle.

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Thought for the Day: ''Hatred is the purest expression of love for The Emperor.''<br>
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