Editing Greek Mythology (section)

==== Act I  - Olympian affairs ====
A long time ago, Themis, goddess of Justice, came to Zeus to tell him of a prophecy. Just like his father before him, and his grandfather too, he would be thwarted from the throne of Olympus by one of his sons. Another version says that Prometheus, one of the former Titans freed by Heracles as part of his Twelve tasks, told him about that. Which makes sense, given that his leader was killed and castrated by the lightning bolt douche in charge. In any case, Zeus wasn't exactly thrilled by this, given how this almost happened with Zagreus, one of his illegitimate sons ([[WTF|with Persephone, mind you]]), did sit on the throne and was thought to be the next ruler of the gods. Granted, Hera had him blasted across the Mount for this, and he was just a baby. Another part of the prophecy stated that said son would not one birthed by Hera, but by a sea-nymph named Thetis. To make sure Zeus actually does not do anything stupid, he arranges a wedding between her and Peleus, an elderly king. Not that marriages really stopped Zeus from sogging his biscuit before, but hey, if it works...

The Olympians were invited to Peleus and Thetis' wedding. This made Hera ''reasonably'' happy. Each of the gods brought their own gifts and blessings to the couple. But Zeus, feeling that the literal embodiment of disorders was going to ruin everything at the last minute, ordered that Eris should not come to the wedding. Hermes tried to prevent her from entering, and although he did manage to stop her, she threw her own gift at the door. It was a single golden apple, with on it inscribed the words [[Skub|"To the fairest"]]. By all logic, this gift must have been for Thetis, right? Well no, because Aphrodite, Hera, and, strangely enough, Athena started to quarrel over it. Given that neither of them could properly decide who should get it, they assigned Paris to choose a worthy contender for the apple. He was a prince of Troy living on Mount Ida as a shepherd so to escape a possible horrible fate after hearing a prophecy which said that Troy would fall.

The Three goddesses arrived and ask him who actually deserved it. Paris, having absolutely no idea why three Olympians would come to him to make a decision, could not actually provide a concrete answer. So to actually settle things, the three goddesses decided to bribe him with gifts and blessings matching their respective field of expertise. However, Aphrodites hit the spot, because she promised him to be married to [[Lucrezzia Belladonna|the most beautiful woman in the world]]. Paris chooses her. And let's be honest, he's right. Because, hey, goddess of love and everything. But anyway, remember this because this is going to come back to bite him in the ass at the worst possible moment. [[Troll|Thanks, Eris]].

Later, Zeus lets out a sigh of relief because Thetis has a child, and its not one of his. Thus canceling the prophecy. This kid is Achilles. It was foretold (yes, again) that he would die old after an uneventful life or die young on the battlefield after which his name would be sung and celebrated in poetry forever and ever. Neither prospects sound particularly good, but to add salt to injury, when Achilles was nine years old, another fortune-telling seer prophesized that Troy would not fall without his help. Yes, that's the second prophecy related to Troy falling thus far. If this is starting to sound like it was all premeditated, Hesiod might have a word or two to say about that. 

Anyway, Thetis was absolutely frightened by the idea of losing her precious infant so soon, so to make sure that neither prophecies happened at all, she decided to make him immortal. Either Thetis washed him with ambrosia every night until Peleus discovered it and threw a hissy fit, or Thetis bathed Achilles in the Styx. Why the Styx specifically? Well, it is told that while the dead cross the stream to join the place they belong to after they pass Hades' gates, mortals would actually become immortal by simply swimming in the stuff. Of course, Thetis [[EPIC FAIL|absolutely fucked it]] by awkwardly holding him while he was being soaked by the river, and his heel was not affected by the River. Meaning he was completely indestructible... Except for one, itty, bitty part of him. Keep that in mind too, that detail is gonna come back later. 

So after that, Thetis decided to hide Achilles in the court of Lycomedes, lord of Skyros and disguised him as a girl. Achilles grew up to become of the most accomplished warriors in Greece. - Yes, Achilles was a femboy twink. This is Ancient Greece, that was perfectly normal back in those days.

Now, remember Aphrodite's bribe? Her name is Helen. The daughter of Tyndareus, King of Sparta. Allegedly. Some sources say that her real father was Zeus, who slept with his wife in the form of a swan (no, really). But the important thing is that Tyndareus is looking to marry her, and boy does she have a lot of suitors. But the king was afraid that actually choosing one would cause a fucking riot. That's how hot Helen was. Odysseus, king of Ithaca and one of the suitors, told him to keep it cool and make an agreement with him and the other suitors so that when he finally chooses who gets to marry Helen, all of them must agree to protect and endorse the couple. They all accepted, begrudgingly.

The suitors drew lots to decide who would marry Helen, and the lucky husband-to-be was Menelaus, the king of Sparta and brother to Agamemnon, the king of Mycenae. The latter, being a powerful king in his own right, was married to Helen's sister Clytemnestra. 

Things went well between Menelaus and Helen for a while, and then Eros, or Cupid (sent by Aphrodite) struck Paris and Helen with his arrow while the former was visiting Sparta on a diplomatic mission. They fell in love '''on the spot'''. Eventually, the Trojan prince showed up while Menelaus was away attending his grandfather's funeral and ran off with Helen. 

[[War|The results were predictable.]]