Editing Heretical Love (section)

=== Thread 6: TSUNSEER ===

“I’m not joking, don’t call me shirly, and are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?”
Doomrider laughs and shrugs before his motorcycle appears underneath him and he goes screaming away on it.
Well shit.

The walk back to suite 66 seems as though it takes an eternity. The daemonettes dancing around and having fun now appear slightly less carefree, as though you’ve discovered some terrible ulterior motive.
Your hands tremble a bit as you fish out the key and it takes you several attempts to fit it in the right way to unlock the door.
Kaleshi looks up from a Sudoku book as you enter. She’s wearing a small pair of glasses and has a pen sticking out of the corner of her mouth. You never thought a daemonette, let alone a khornette, would play Sudoku of all things. Nyx and Lilith are asleep on the other bed. Though you don’t really care about any of that right now.

“Kaleshi.”

“Max.”

“Are we… Engaged?”

The khornette raises one eyebrow, stares at you for several uncomfortable seconds, than sighs.
She sets down her book, marking her place with a miniature chaos banner.
You follow her as she grabs your hand and leads you out of the room into the quiet hallway.
“What is all of this now?” She asks, arms folded and an incredulous look on her face.
“Uhh… Well Doomrider told m…”
Kaleshi snorts, interrupting you.
“Doomrider? You believed Doomrider of all daemons? Never thought he’d get some pleasure out of screwing with you a bit?”
You feel a bit relieved at her words, and let yourself laugh a little.
“Yeah I guess I didn’t think that one through, did I?”
Kaleshi shrugs.
“Well he didn’t outright lie to you though.”
“Pardon?”
Kaleshi sighs again, heavily, before looking away from you so her silvery white hair obscures her face.
“Would… Would it be that much of a problem? If we were…?” She starts playing with a strand of her hair nervously.
You pause. This is something you hadn’t really thought about. Would it be too terrible, life with three daemonette waifus?
“I hadn’t really thought it over. I don’t really think I would mind.”
Kaleshi giggles, and turns back to you with a wide smile.
“Well that bit of daemon law is ancient and no longer actually binding. Besides, if you even want a SHOT at me, you’re going to have to court the fuck out of me first.”
The awkward silence between you two is broken as the Emprah walks around the corner and waves.

“Yo, Max! Time to get you back into your mortal, fleshy self again before time runs out.”

You turn back to Kaleshi, who plants a kiss on your cheek.
“Have fun, and here’s the personal communicator for the three of us.”
“Daemons have personal communicators?” You ask, pretty surprised.

“>40k”

“>not having a personal communicator”

Kaleshi responds with a very strange face…

“Alright Emprah, I’m ready for the teleport now.”
The Emperor laughs, slapping you on the back.

“Too much chaos interference to do that right now, don’t want you waking up with tentacle arms or something. No no, we’re going to have to ride on out far enough to do it.”
“We’re going to do what?” You ask, not liking the sound of it.

“Surf, Max. We’re going to surf the warp.”

With a final goodbye to your favorite little Khornette, you follow the Emperor as he leads you around.
Your mind is blown as he takes you out onto the stern of what is actually a massive ship. This party has been on one massive boat this whole time.
The scene outside the ship only furthers your downright terror at what the Emperor told you moments ago.

“Oh man, you have no idea how STOKED I am to do this!” He sings as he pulls two surf boards from a closet.

You manage to peer a bit more over the edge and swallow hard. Purplish warp-ness flowing all around you, swirling and moving in maddening ways. Your body is not ready for this. What was that large glass box that just sailed past with two guys in it? Fuck, you don't know.
“Uhm, Emprah. I don’t mean to sound doubtful in your own 
awesomeness, but this may well stretch beyond my realm of abilities…”
The Emperor looks up from gazing into the warp giddily. He doesn’t appear to have heard you.

“Grab that board dude, time to get ready. This party made Slaanesh generate some kind of huge pleasure swell and that’s what we’re going to surf on out of here.”

With shaking hands you pick up the board he left for you, a red and black one with the emblem of the Admech on it.
Your mind is spinning. There is no way you can do this, what happens if you fall? What happens if the Emprah leaves you behind? Too many questions, no answers, no time.

“LETS DO THIS RADICAL THING!”

The Emperor shouts as he jumps off the back of the ship, shoving his own board underneath his feet.
Well, if you don’t go now, he WILL leave you behind.
Nothing could have ever prepared you for this, you are probably going to die.
Those are the only two thoughts you manage to have before you leap out into the void, clumsily trying to fit your own board underneath you.
You can see the Emperor beneath you, who appears to be falling slowly and gazing back for the massive wave that is HOLY FUCKING GOLDEN THRONE IT’S RIGHT GOD DAMN BATMAN BEHIND YOU!
“OH FUUUUUUU EMPRAH!!!!” The glowing vorpal wave of pleasure rockets you forward and sends you spinning end over end, holding onto your board for dear life.

“Yeah man! Show that wave who’s Emperor! Make that wave your BITCH!” 

The Emperor cheers you on, completely oblivious it seems to your plight.
It takes everything you have, but you manage to right yourself until you are again standing on the board. This doesn’t make the ride any less terrifying.
Still, you relax just slightly when the Emprah himself glides up to ten feet or so to your right. The look on his face one of absolute joy. Well at least he’s having fun…
“Hey Emprah! How long until you can do that teleport thingy or whatever to put me back in my real body?” You shout over to him.
The Emperor turns his head and looks back at the ship which is growing ever smaller behind you.

“Bout tree fiddy!” He yells back.

What by the C’tan does that even MEAN!?
You don’t have much time to dwell on it, as the Emperor banks hard on the wave. Not wanting to be separated, you do your best to mimic him and follow along.
That is, until you slip and fall into the massive wave right beneath you.

Unfathomable pleasure washes over you, pure pleasure. The feeling beyond words. Almost enough to make you release your death grip you have on your board above you.

Almost.

You struggle to pull yourself back onto your board, gasping for air. Not that any of this makes any sense, air in the warp, seriously?
It takes everything you’ve got to stand back up again, knees shaking.
Thankfully the Emperor is right beside you again, though he doesn’t seem concerned.

“Knew you would make it bro!” He laughs happily, clearly enjoying every second of his time on a board.

“This has been the most bizarre and terrifying ride of my life. Are we far enough for the colors and the warping?” You ask, ready to be back on dry land again.

“Few things I’ve got to tell you before that.” The Emperor says, his face becoming serious.

“We had a talk about what I wanted you to accomplish, but I’ll have to get back to you on when and how to get that ball rolling… I ran into some… Uhh… Complications with Tzeentch…” He fumbles his words, looking distant for a moment.

“You got strange with that chaos goddess, didn’t you?”
The Emperor sighs, than shrugs.

“According to Nurgle she’s been infatuated with me for a few millennia now and just didn’t know how to approach me, couldn’t work up the courage.”

You let him leave it at that.
“It’s been a… Radical ride, dude.” You tell him.

“Yeah man, you’re a pretty awesome dude. Oh, by the way, I can’t save you from death again.”

“…Wat?”

“Yeah you know dude, can’t let it change your character and all that. Plus the next time I do you would probably fail a perils of the warp roll and self destruct or something. We will talk again though. SHAZAM!”

You wake up suddenly, jolting upright, and slamming your head into the rear hatch of the Chimera.
Your head is still ringing from the impact, you hit that door fucking hard.
With a groan you rub your poor forehead, but the ringing doesn’t subside.
Wait, that’s your personal communicator.
It’s a bit of a struggle to find which pocket it’s in, your head does still hurt after all.
“Hello?”

“MAXWHERETHEFUCKHAVEYOUBEENANDWHATHAVEYOUDONE!!!!!!!!”

The volume causes your device’s speaker to screech in protest and you hold it at arm’s length from your head. You can still hear a flurry of words, many of which you believe to be a foreign language.
The screaming subsides briefly and you venture a bit closer to your own mic.
“…Esh?”

“YOU VANISHED FOR A BRIEF SECOND BUT NOW I CAN FEEL. YOUR. MIND! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO!?”

“Uhh… Well…”

“Um, Its quite a bit to explain… You see…” You give her a brief summary of the events that transpired, carefully leaving out the bits about banging three daughters of chaos gods.
A minute goes by of silence, you aren’t really sure what drove you to tell her the whole story. Even you have to admit, you will be lucky if there isn’t an Eldar hit team out after you now.
“…Still there?” You ask quietly.
“So let me get this straight. Not only did you consort with that vile Slaanesh… THING. But you accepted and actually smoked the souls of THOUSANDS of my people?”
Yeah, she’s probably going to have you killed. You don’t know how to answer that. She doesn’t say anything more either.

“…Max… That’s so…”
Aww shit, here it comes.
“That’s so… Selfless.”

Wait, did you just hear that right? You press your device as close as you can to your ear. Is Esh… Crying?
“I mean, to take it on your own shoulders to save all those poor Eldar from being consumed by that hell… Knowing full well the consequences… That was so brave.”
This is Eldar trickery, has to be.
“Yeah well, couldn’t let Slaanesh have those souls if there was something I could do about it… I guess?”
Esh bursts into sobs and you can hear her frantically moving stuff around in the background.
“You alright?” You inquire.
“D-Do you want to come over… For dinner?” She asks finally.
“Umm… Yes?”

“GREAT!” Esh yells, no longer in tears.
“Uhh… Hah… Give me like half an hour to get ready. I’ll send a warp spider to pick you up.”

And with that, she hangs up.
You waste your time flipping through that discarded Admechgirl magazine. Some of those enhancements, wow. Can she really? With those? Oh Emprah.
Suddenly, a warp spider pops into your view.

“Sup.”

“Sup?”

He grabs you, and suddenly you are standing on the inside of an Eldar ship.
Esh’s grin of pure malevolent evil staring you right in the face as she eagerly sharpens the tip of her spear.

“Aww shit.”

“Ha ha.” She beins to laugh slowly, quietly.
“Ha ha ha ha…” Raising her spear and pointing it right at your chest.
“Listen Esh, I can explain…”
You barely manage to leap out of the way as the spear thrusts through the space occupied by your heart barely a second ago.
“EXPLAIN!?! YOU CAN… EXPPLLLAAIIINNN?!?!?!”
You are ducking, dipping, dodging and ducking to avoid the repeated thrusts, unable to get a word in lest you catch one through the gut.
“YOU KNOW DAMN WELL, IDIOT MON-KEIGH, WHAT YOU WERE DOING!”
A fateful jap catches you finally, you should have known you weren't agile enough to dodge an Eldar's attacks forever.

==== MEANWHILE ====

Helena sighs from her perch on her Leman Russ "noboyzallowed".
It's a hot day, and even in her very minimalist bikini she's sweating.
"Hey Helena, Admech says they can get our main gun back up and running but it's going to take a day."
Helena smiles at her best friend Sarah.
"No problem, we don't have anything much to do today anyways."

Sarah nods.
"Hey, how's that stupid brother of yours doing?"
Helena's smile fades.
"I... I don't know. He was sending letters pretty regularly but we haven't heard from him at all in a while..."

Sarah sighs as she flips through the schematic booklet "Your Lemon Russ and You: 574 Ways You Can Still Serve the Emperor But Make It a Bit Easier On Yourself."
"You know him, he probably got drunk and fucked the nearest officer or something retarded like that."
Helena laughs, but it isn't sincere.

"RAAAAA!!! You infernal machine spirit, accept this part damn you!" The Tech-priest working on the tank suddenly shouts, slamming his wrench into the tank repeatedly.
"Yo! Gearhead! Easy on the goods!" Sarah shouts down at him.

"BY THE OMNISSIAH YOU WILL TAKE THIS SENSOR AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!" He shoves the part in and the tank finally relents, a red light changing to a green.
Helena laughs, Frederick's antics having grown on her a bit since meeting him.

----

The Eldar's blade nicks your shoulder just enough to draw a faint line of blood. You know you can’t keep this up forever, but the stabs are becoming slower, less passionate, until they finally cease.
Esh looks at you solemnly.

“You may have not known what you were doing, and your intentions were surely misguided at best, but you did save those souls from a fate… Indescribable. And for that I’ll spare you, at least for today.”
She sets her spear aside and sighs.
“Honestly, I leave you alone for a while and you end up dead and in the warp. You really are just a helpless stupid mon-keigh after all.”
You crouch there, on the floor of what you think is an Eldar ship or something, unsure of what to do next.
“So you aren’t going to kill me?”
Esh grabs you by the collar and throttles you back and forth.
“Not today but the next time you do something like that I won’t be nice enough to stop myself!”
She lets you go and before you know it, she’s got you in a tight hug.
“I was really worried about you… Idiot mon-keigh…”
A nearby Eldar, an older one from the looks of it, coughs quietly into his fist.
“Mistress, your dinner?”
Esh jumps to her feet and grabs her head.
“Ahh! I forgot it was still in the wraithoven!”
She grabs your hand and before you know it you are being pulled in a full on sprint through winding hallways, past more Eldar who look a bit shocked at the human in their midst.

A young hot-shot looking Eldar stops Esh in his tracks.
“Whoa babe, where you and that… uh… animal headed off to?” He asks, slyly trying to put his hand around her.
Is this fag trying to move in on your bitch? He best be not moving in on your bitch.
Before you can unleash the fury of the pimp hand, Esh kicks him.
Right in his nuts.
The blonde haired playboy’s face contorts in pain and he falls to the ground, clutching his gonads.
“I already told you I have no interest, quit trying!” Esh kicks him in the stomach before stepping on him and leading you past.
Once inside what you can only assume is an Eldar kitchen she hurridly rips open what must be the wraithoven and checks on what looks like a pie.
“Oh thank the gods, it’s fine.” She sighs in relief and closes the oven back up.
“Did you… Hug me earlier?” You finally get a chance to ask.
Esh jumps in surprise as color drains from her face. She turns back to you, cheeks quickly becoming pink than red.
“I-I-I did n-no such thing! Stupid mon-keigh!”
You grin, this is so worth it.
“Really? That felt like a hug. What do you use on your hair? It smells lovely.”
You don’t have time to dodge the pan to the face, which startles you more than it hurts as it knocks you to the ground.
“STUIPD MON-KEIGH IT WASN’T A HUG! GAHHH!” She punches a cabinet so hard it dents inward.

“Pretty sure it was a hug.” You continue, unwilling to relent.
“AHHHHHHHHHH!” Esh grabs a pot of boiling something and stands above you, face blazing in embarrassed fury.
You put your hands up, as though they would do anything. This might do more than sting a little.
But when you peel one eye open to look back at his, Esh sighs and sets down the dish.
“So it was a hug. You should be grateful I blessed your life with such an event, surely the high point of its dullness.”
Well you can be satisfied you got her to admit to it, at least for now.

“Anyways, what have you got cooking?” You ask, leaning over her shoulder to look at what’s in the pot.
Esh’s mind is stuttering, she’s so close to you now. “Do those lips taste as good his mind?” she wonders to herself.
You look down, noticing Esh staring intently straight at your mouth.
“Uhh… Esh?”
She catches herself and spins around, pretending to be occupied by a sizzling wok-like thing.
As much fun as you are having with Esh at the moment, trolling her hard and all that, the food smells so good you can barely stop yourself from ripping into it.

Esh looks back at you.
“Hey, mon-keigh, you are DROOLING.”
You put your jaw back into place, senses still fixed on the delicious food before you.
Esh uses what you assume has to be some kind of Eldar cooking fork to gather up a little ball of what appears to be some kind of noodle-onion-meat dish.
“You… You can try it if you want…” She says, still not looking at you as she holds out the food.
Slowly you lean in to take a bite, watching her intently for any sign of Eldar trickery. The closer you get, the harder she blushes.
You bite down and slowly back away, her eyes turn to follow you.
This taste… Dear Emprah this taste.
“So… Good…” Is all you can manage, your taste buds are busy in a full blown fiesta. “Hola mister Max, thank you very much for da food senior!”
Esh is now locked right on you, watching your expression with wide eyes.
“It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever tasted.”
You see her smile giddily before catching herself and regaining her cool composure.
“Yeah well, you haven’t even tried the pie yet.”

“Really? Does it taste as good as MY MIND?”
Esh’s face becomes ashen at your words, and her mouth is agape as though she’s struggling to find something to say, having been caught completely off guard.
“Yeah, I can pick up on some things now. At least a bit.” You admit, your new power is fun but very confusing and completely unreliable. It seems like proximity might have something to do with it, because you could only sense her thoughts when you were very close to her.
Esh picks up a knife and her neck cracks as it tilts to the side, her eyes now alight with glowing white energy.
“I’m going to kill you now.” She says flatly.

But as she swings the knife down you catch her hand and with your other arm pull her in close to you.
The blade falls from her grasp and clatters noisily to the floor.
She looks up, staring into your eyes as you hold her there, neither of you moving.
“…Max…” She says quietly as you slowly bring your face closer to hers. Your lips are mere millimeters apart, and you feel Esh jump slightly as your minds collide.
“HAHAHA MON-KEIGH KISSER! MON-KEIGH KISSSSERRRRR!!!!” A little Eldar in farseer garb, no taller than your waist is running in circles around the table as she joyfully repeats herself.
“YOU LITTLE TWERP, GRAAAHHHH!!!”
Esh’s eyes flash and the little Eldar is sent flying out of the room with one last “MON-KEIGH
KISSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!”
Esh furiously slams the door and begins stirring her personal recipe stew in a fit of rage.
Wait, did she really want you to kiss her?
Eyeing the wall of hanging knives mere inches from her, you aren’t sure if it’s a good idea to press the subject.
“Take a seat, it’s almost ready.” Esh says without looking back at you.

You pull out a chair and sit down.

Only you miss and, arms wind milling madly, fall face first onto the cold tile.
Esh looks back at you in disgusted awe, as if she really can’t believe what she’s seeing.
“Uhh, missed it I guess…” Your face is burning, how the fuck did you fail that hard at sitting down? How have you managed to go from cool and suave to looking like a complete retard within minutes of each other.
“Whatever you have to tell yourself…” Esh turns back to her cooking, shaking her head in disbelief.
Still, you aren’t going to let the fact that you are still rolling when completely unprompted, which only ever results in terrible, terrible things, get to you.

The food smells absolutely decadent, you’ve got a cute farseer cooking it for you, and you actually think you might have had some fun surfing with the Emporah earlier, despite the close call. Yeah, today is a pretty good way.
Esh looks like she’s found some kind of grove, humming to herself quietly as she adds a dash of one thing and a sprinkle of another.
“Dude I can’t take this anymore” You're stomach groans.

“Shut up man, at least you know you have a guaranteed thing here!” Your phallic object responds.

Esh finally decides it’s all ready and starts moving everything over to the table.
You can’t contain yourself any longer, and you reach out to snatch up one of those Eldar biscuits, the kind she gave to you the first time.
A ladle raps you hard on the knuckles.

“A proper gentleman always waits until the lady sits down first.” She says, though her anger seems faked. Her eyes unable to conceal the pride in her work and her excitement in sharing it with you.

The wait is killing you, but you don’t try any funny business as you watch her finish the setup.
She moves around the table to you and takes your plate, dishing out a generous heap of everything onto it.
You can’t help but smile as you watch her, completely in her element it seems.
Esh catches you staring out of the corner of her eye and turns away from you, her flowing red hair slightly obstructing her face but not hiding her faint smile.

“D-Don’t stare at me like that, it’s, it's, it's, its, its.”
She serves herself before taking the seat opposite you, not very far away on such a small table.
Both of you chow down, Esh eating properly and daintily, you kinda just fork-lifting heaping forkfuls of the food into your joyous mouth.
“Oh man, this is simply THE BEST.” Your stomach sighs happily.
“Ah well, at least I can see up her skirt from down here.” The curious phallic object responds. “Black lace with a pink bow, things might be looking up after all.”
Suddenly, you can’t breathe.
Your face goes white as you frantically struggle, choking on something.
Esh takes several seconds to realize what is going on, but with surprising speed she has you in a Heimlich.
It takes a few pumps, but you finally shoot out a whole meatball. It soars brilliantly straight down into a bowl of soup, which splashes all over Esh’s face.
“Gods damn it, mon-keigh…”

Esh sighs as she surveys herself, one of her favorite outfits and much of her hair now covered in chunky soup.
“Err… Really sorry about that…” Fuck, you would wreck this for yourself.
She tries to clean herself up with a napkin, but it just isn’t cutting it.

“I kinda figured you would ruin this…” She unhappily drops the napkin.
“I’m going to go wash off and change. Enjoy your meal alone, I guess.”

She leaves before you can say anything. Man, do you feel like a douche now.

“Arrrgghhh!!!” You grab your head.
“I can’t just eat without apologizing!”
So with that, you leap up and run after her.

Only you aren’t exactly sure what way she went.
Several minutes pass of your “Hey uh, did you see a farseer go by here, bout this tall and covered in soup?” before you finally figure out which room is hers.
It takes you just as long to discern how the door mechanism works, a series of buttons and a touch screen thing. You finally punch it in frustration and it answers “passcode accepted”, though you don’t know this because you don’t speak Eldar.
You walk in to the dark room, which is incredibly tidy.
Well, except for the pile of clothes that Esh was just wearing.
“Oh no. No no no.”

Too late, another door in the room opens and your fate is pretty much sealed.
Esh stands there, fully outlined in the light beyond. She’s still dripping wet, and frozen in place, the towel against one side of her face. You can see everything, perky pink nips, smooth grassless field, everything.

“I’m going to die now, aren’t I?”

“Painfully so.”

You tense up as she builds up speed for a running death-kick which will surely knock your face through the back of your skull.
She’s going so fast, in fact, that she doesn’t notice the clothes on the floor.
“Huh?!” She trips, stumbles, but can’t regain her balance.
You are thrown backwards as the naked Farseer crashes into you, both of you tumbling end over end across the dark room.
Finally both of you skid to a stop, and it looks like you’ve managed to come out on top.
Esh is trembling, wide eyed, and has her arms around you. Neither of you move for what feels like a very long time.
Throwing caution to the wind, you lower your face and plant a kiss on those tender pink lips.
“HA HA, MON KEIGH KISSERRRRRR!” The little Eldar yells from the open doorway.

==== MEANWHILE (again)====

Frederick looks up from his work, sneakily.

Helena sits there in full view, glorious tits resting on the tank as she listens to some music and tans.
He's always had a thing for her. Ever since he started fixing up their tank. This, despite all of his friends telling him she is clearly a gear-eater with no interest in his piston of love.
Frederick sighs heavily as he tightens a bolt. For now, he will probably just have to be content with watching her in all her giggling, strawberry blonde beauty.
"Whats wrong Mekboy?" Helena suddenly calls down to him.
Fredrick, startled, looks back up.

"Err, nothing. Tank is just being stubborn, is all." He wrings his wrench nervously.
Helena laughs and re-ties her top before sitting up, which causes those tantalizing flesh orbs to bounce all over the place.
"Well you want to take a break and go grab some chow with me?" She asks, swinging her feet idly as she sits on the barrel.

"You? And... Me?" Frederick asks quietly.

"Yeah, Sarah is passed out."

Frederick is happy but lost as he follows Helena to wherever she is taking him. Clearly not the mess hall.
The Omnissiah has blessed him this day, maybe he will get a chance to try out his twelve speed servo-actuated cyborghood someday after all.
Helena shifts the pack of food to her other shoulder.
"Cmon iron man, we're going to miss it!"

Helena stops at a cliffside, overlooking the vast ocean beyond.
"Yeah, this is the spot." She sets down her bag and pulls out the food she managed to rustle up. Not standard guardsman rations, good stuff from the town nearby.

She and Frederick watch the sunset as they devour the various cheeses and bread. Its much better than more rations, Frederick thinks to himself. Especially since he gets to eat it with her.
The sun drops finally below the horizon, and Helena sits back with a satisfied sigh.
"That was a lot of fun." 

Helena turns and smiles at him before looking up toward the emerging stars.
"I thought so too."

"By the way, don't believe those rumors about me being a lesbian."
Frederick turns to her, hope invigorating his heart.

"No?"

"Nah, bisexual."