Editing Nine of Diamonds: 'Macbeth'

Are you lookin' to get shot, boy?! You shouldn't go about the place just askin' about where t'find the infamous Nine of Diamonds! Now get your backside over here!

By the Dealer, you got a death wish? No one, and I mean no one, wants t'actually be the poor bastard who's usin' the Scottish Card.

Yeah, the Scottish Card. That's the Nine of Dia- Don't say it's real name!

Y'see, that one has a hell of a story behind it, and I'm inclined t'tell you so you don't have t'gallivant about and get yourself shot by it! You young guns and your pursuit of the insane...

What? Yeah, I'll tell you ''a'' story about the Scottish Card- Stop! What did I tell you about usin' the real name of the Nine of Diamonds? That's right, not to use it, ya tin-eared hootenanny!

My own run-in with the Scottish Card began a good five years back. It was in a honky-tonk, very similar t'this here bar, and I'd just gotten in from a long day's ridin'...

----

"Me boy, all I'm wantin' is a nice pint a'lager an' a place t'rest me head. I'm not after yer money! If I was, y'really think I'd still be talkin' t'ya?" The accent alone was as if someone had mixed the British and West American dialects in a burned pot, then gargled it with a chaser of tar and potato.

"Shaddup, you dumbass sumbitch! Now, git outta our town, 'fore I blow yer brains out!" The declaration was backed up with a resounding "Yeah!" from the group behind the head outlaw.

A loud snort came from the gentleman sitting at the bar, who stood up and turned about. His dark brown hair, even for 'slinger standards, matched the magnificent beard that trailed from his chin, and his smile was a gleaming white. "Boyo, if ye think fer a second that ye can kill me, ye got another thing comin'."

The lead outlaw cocked his slugtosser, pointing it right between the man's eyes. "Spit in a pig's ass! Everyone can die!"

With a grin, the bearded gent shook his head slightly. "Not me. Ye know why?"

A quick pull of the trigger, and the bearded gent's head had a neat new hole in it. He stayed standing, however, and snorted, much to the surprise of the outlaws. "B'cause I've got me a nice wee Card. Most call it th' Nine of Diamonds, bu' others know it by th'real name... o' Macbeth."

The entire honky-tonk went silent as the bearded gent continued. "An' ye know th'curse a' Macbeth? None o' womanborn shall kill Macbeth."

A new shot rang out, and the lead outlaw fell dead to the ground, a neat hole through his head exactly where he had shot Macbeth. "Aye, an' th'glory o' Macbeth lives on! I! Am! Macbeth!"

----

Every outlaw that was there on that day died, kiddo. They say the Nine of Diamonds is based on an old Scottish story, and whoever says the name of the Scottish Card catches a bullet for their trouble. At least, that's what the Brits say.

So go ahead. Say the real name of the Scottish Card.

And I wouldn't turn around if I were you.

- Rakdos

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