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| Some series of story that some writefag wrote on Bolter and Chainsword, which was then banhammered for some reason. Warhammer 40k is srsbsns.
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| '''Part One'''
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| Deathwatch: The Series
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| Every Hour, On the Hour!
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| It is the 41st Millennium. For more than a hundred centuries the Emperor has sat immobile, and yadda yadda yadda. Something about you're screwed and things of that nature.
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| Inquisitor Jon von Drummond: Raka Thunderhoof, how long have you served with me?
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| Raka: Over a few years, my lord.
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| JvD: A few? My friend, you are too modest. Anyways, you have been promoted. A new batch of Space Marines have joined our Order. Lead them, train them, and try not to get them killed. You know your duty.
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| Raka: Aye, I will try. I will make the Ordos Xeno proud!
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| JvD: I know you will. Now...Why don't I have a color?
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| Raka: Perhaps...you are not special enough my lord?
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| JvD: I'm a fraggin' Inquisitor! How is that not special?! Sigh Anyways, let's go meet the new Marines.
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| They enter a grand hall covered in murals, and other artsy stuff we as readers don't care about
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| Space Wolf: Pansy Angel! Where's your dress lass?!
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| Dark Angel: Uncultured swine! Prepare to meet your doom!
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| Space Wolf: Bring on it! You little lass! Activates chainsword
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| Raka: What is this?! Stop! Both of you!
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| Both Space Marines stop, and stare at the new arrival. And then they continue to fight
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| Dark Angel: Filthy dog!
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| Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!
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| Dark Angel: Disgusting grox lover!
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| Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!
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| Dark Angel: Weakling puppy!
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| Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!
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| Raka: Stop this madness! Holds them apart
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| JvD: Well...I can tell this is going to be a greeaaaat day.
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| Raka: Cease your bickering! Save it for the xenogen!
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| Suddenly the door opens! A Space Marine of the Iron Hands Chapters enters
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| Iron Hand: Umm...am I in the right place? This is the Deathwatch Orientation Hall right? Not some sort of sick, perverted Dark Angel, Space Wolf love fest right?
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| Space Wolf: LOVE FEST?! Say that to my face!
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| Raka: Stop this nonsense! And you! Space Wolf put your groin plate back on!
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| Space Wolf: Grr...don't sleep Iron Hand.
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| Dark Angel: Yes, or else this untrained puppy might urinate in your wee little boots!
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| Iron Hand: Haha! The Dark Angel has charm!
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| Space Wolf: What?! Puppy?! Urinate?! I'M HOUSE TRAINED DAMNIT! GRR...
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| Raka: Stop this bickering!
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| JvD: Oh the Imperium's screwed. I just know it. Mum always said I should have been a pirate.
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| Gigantic BAM!
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| Imperial Fist: HERESY! Not while I breathe!
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| Space Wolf: Imperial Fists? You guys can do something BESIDES sitting on your fat arses?
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| Iron Hand: Oh ho ho! The wolf has teeth!
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| Imperial Fist: Buh-Of course! And I do declare, the hairy beast can speak!
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| Raka: Stop this nonsense! Stand at attention or I will smack thee with the Codex Astartes!
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| All the Space Marines stand at attention
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| Pio: Pio Furnac of the Salamanders has arrived for duty! Never fear ladies, for I will put the FIRE in your fair bosoms!
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| Raka: Fine, whatever. go line up next to them.
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| Pio: Can I set them aflame?
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| Raka: Yeah sur-WAIT. What?!
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| Pio: Nothing Soon my pet, soon Caresses his Flamer lovingly
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| Julis: Hark the angels sing! It is I, Julius Raseac! Son of Guilliman, the Emperor's finest! I...AM...ULTRAMARINE!
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| Raka: FINE! I don't give a heretic's ass! Go there, shut up and line up!
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| Julis: Line up where?
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| Raka: NEXT TO THEM! THOSE MARINES! SERIOUSLY!
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| Julis: Ah, I see now.
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| Raka: mutters Emperor-damned Ultramarines, so many of them. I wish I could kill them all
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| JvD: We're missing two.
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| Raka: Who? Hmm...the Blood Angel and the Raven Guard one...I thought I saw one earli-
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| Raven Guard: I'm right. Steps out of the shadows
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| Raka: How long were you standing there? And where did that shadow come from? We're in a highly illuminated room! You know what, never mind, my mind can't take any more broken laws of physics that is this universe. Go line up over there.
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| With a THUNDEROUS BOOM! A red armored figure enters
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| Raven Guard: Emperor's Toilet! He's paler than me!
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| Space Wolf: Emperor's Diaherria! His fangs are longer than mine!
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| Dark Angel: Emperor's Bloody Stools! He's prettier than me!
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| Julis: Emperor's Untouched Copy of the Codex Astartes! Ultramarines FRIGGIN ROCK!
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| Everyone just stares, somewhere a cricket dies
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| Raka: Iron Hand.
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| Iron Hand: Yes?
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| Raka: Smack him for me.
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| Iron Hand: With pleasure Smacks Julius in the back of the head with his metal hand
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| Raka: Blood Angel line up with them. AHEM I am Raka Thunderhoof, formerly of the White Scars Chapter! I will be your commanding officer as well as your Librarian during your service with the Deathwatch!
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| Space Wolf: Witchery!
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| Raka: Piercing GlareAnyways, you will be fighting along these Marines here as one, coherent fighting unit. The militant arm of the Ordos Xenos. Yes?
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| Dark Angel: I do believe that any squad with a Space Wolf would fail to be "coherent"
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| Smothered laughter from the others
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| Space Wolf: WHAT?!
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| Raka: SILENCE! <Casts Piercing Glare> Now, I am sure each of you, have been sent to me by your Chapters for a good reason. Tell me, for I am a Librarian, and naturally curious. Like...a curious monkey named George.
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| Pio: I burned innocents.
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| Space Wolf: I drank all the booze, screwed all the women, and cut down innocents.
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| Dark Angel: I shot innocents.
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| Blood Angel: I bit innocents.
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| Imperial Fist: I built a wall that I blew up with a Demolisher cannon, that was made up of innocents.
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| Raven Guard: I stabbed innocents.
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| Julis: I kept a termagaunt as a pet back on Macragge, and then it killed innocents. What? Fluffy was nice to me!
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| Raka: Okay...is there ANYONE who didn't kill an innocent?
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| Iron Hand: I did not, Brother Librarian.
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| Raka: Oh good, I thought I was leading a penal legion for a secon-
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| Iron Hand: I fed innocents to the fire drakes.
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| Raka: <Casts Piercing Glare>
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| JvD: Wow. I'm an Inquisitor of the Ordos Xenos right? Not some warden of a penal legion right?
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| Raka: Yes, Inquisitor.
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| JvD: All righty then, just checking to make sure.
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| Raka: Since all of your are horrendously psychotic, I will divvy you up into pairs. Your partner will be your bunk mate, your battle-brother, to the extreme! Now sound off!
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| Raziel: Veteran Raziel of the Dark Angels.
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| Iruel: Apothecary Iruel of the Blood Angels.
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| Stern: Howzer Stern of the Imperial Fists.
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| Bloodfang: Grey Hunter Hurin Bloodfang of the Space Wolves.
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| Pollux: Ferrus Pollux of the Iron Hands.
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| Skarr: Skarr Blackfeather of the Raven Guard.
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| Pio: Pio Furnac of the Salamanders.
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| Julis: Hark the angels sing! It is I, Julius Raseac! Son of Guilliman, the Emperor's finest! I...AM...ULTRAMARINE!
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| Raka: Pollux?
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| Pollux: Smacks Julius upside the head
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| Raka: Raziel, Hurin Bloodfang you two are bunkmates.
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| WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
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| Raka: Silence. Iruel, Pollux you are together. Julius and Skarr. Pio and Stern, you are one. Now go find your damn room, and let me get some sanity back in my head!
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| JvD: Welcome to the Deathwatch. Killing Xenos every hour, on the hour!
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