Heretical Love

The following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.

"In the grim darkness of the future, there is only war… and sweet xeno love."

A quest thread on /tg/ started by the user Papa-N (!!94V8GGifJkU), it concerns the last Guardsman left on the planet of Yagis V.

Introducing Maximus Decarus, Pimp of the Imperium.

Oh yes, it's that kind of quest thread. Cut, organised and ribbed for extra reading pleasure.

Exploits so far have included (but are not limited to) fighting a fish-god, besting Doomrider in a motorcycle joust, charging Abaddon the Despoiler with a knife, being killed by (and then subsequently sleeping with) a group of Daemonettes, soloing a Defiler and surfing the chaos of the warp with the Big E himself.

Papa-N has also become (in)famous for trolling his loving public with alternate story endings, or bizarre tangents. These are listed at the bottom. They are extra heretical. You have been warned.

This article contains PROMOTIONS! Don't say we didn't warn you.

THE STORY

Thread 1: IT'S HERESY TIME

You are Inquisitor Maximus Decarus, feared by xeno and heretic alike. You leave fried Orks and charred Eldar in the wake of your fleet’s exterminatus as you sail about the stars in the Emperors name.

Haha, just kidding, you are Max Decarus, lowly trooper in the Emprah’s imperial guard. Orks don’t seem to notice your lasgun and the last Eldar you saw wiped out half of your squad and insulted your mother. You were just a boot when your landing ship touched down on Yagis V, and you have quickly ascended nothing in rank by your heroic deeds of fleeing and being lucky enough to stay out of the Commisar’s sights.

Today… Today isn’t much different.

You feebly fire your glorified laser pointer in the general direction of a horde of charging Orks, you don’t need to aim, you would have to try to miss. It’s not like hitting them does much anyways.

A Monolith appears suddenly to your left, just warped on in. From where is anyone’s guess. “Thank the Empruh, spess muhreens!” You hear a guardsman cry out, voice mystified with adoration. Sure enough, six of the Emprah’s finest waltz up behind your position, sizing up the Monolith. “FOR THA EMPROOOOAAAARRRR!!!” They howl simultaneously as they bound over the low barricade protecting you from shootah fire. The space marines charge out, waving chainswords menacingly and looking fierce. The Monolith doesn’t even move as gauss fire obliterates every last astartes. Welp…

You have to believe the stories of the space marines are if nothing else, highly exaggerated. This is the second time you’ve seen those blue suited bastards scream litanies and charge to their doom. The first time at a Chaos Titan of all things…

“We are so fucked.” You groan as Chaos Daemons start warping in between you and the Orks. At least they have nice tits… Purple and attached to warp beasts who would enjoy little more than ripping you apart. But still, you didn’t know Daemonettes were stacked. A Fire Prism from out of nowhere busies itself with hammering away at your squad, as quite obviously you are the real threat here. You, huddling low and shaking in your “armor”. Some Fire Warriors show up and start blasting away as well, sure why the fuck not, one giant “kill some guardsmen” party… Hours later you somehow pull yourself from under a pile of rubble and Orks, seeing no one around. There is a Vox nearby, and you give it a try. “Guys?” you ask quietly. Up in the dark sky you see the Imperial Cruiser you arrived in snap in half as an Ork ship just rams on through it. “…Guys?” “…” No response, just static. All of this because this planet was home to a power fist that for whatever reason the machine cult had been worshipping for millennia… Well at least the Armory is nearby, so you scrounge for some equipment.

>[X] Commissar Uniform

Some call me the Commisar of Love. *BLAM* The hat is probably the coolest thing ever, the sword and pistol are both pretty sweet, but this fucking hat, seriously. You are too busy flexing and posing in a mirror to notice a servo skull float up behind you. The skull beeps and you whirl around, flailing your new sword and busting a cap as you pop off rounds. Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuthin to fuck wit. “Oh, it’s just you…” You are glad no one was around to see you.

The skull scans you and must think you really are a Commisar because it starts playing a message. You listen intently as it lays out tactical data for all the Xenos here. Interesting. A nearby Vox rattles out a quick message, identifying itself as a sister of battle. The Mechanicus command is nearby as well. Well there isn’t much else to do, may as well check out some of these leads. Who knows, maybe you can find some help or even a way off this rock… Or get your knob slobbed, it could happen.

Many Guardsmen mistakenly believe that the Sisters of Battle are allies that can be trusted entirely. What they fail to realize is that often times a Sister is just as likely to roast you for even a whiff of heresy as they are to help you. They also have a VERY broad and often convoluted definition of heresy. For this reason, you approach the rhino transport with utmost caution. True, you did track the broadcast to this vehicle, but you don’t trust a Sorita unless she is far separated from the nearest incineration device. You clear your throat and knock on the rear hatch of the transport.

“Sister of Battle, this is Commisar Decarus, are you in there?” A jet of fire almost engulfs you, missing by nigh more than a foot. You dive out of the way as another firing port opens right in front of your face. The ramp drops with a thud and a Sorita comes screaming out, chainsword roaring and fire bursting all around her. Only after several moments does she slow to a stop, gazing around hawkishly, as her flamer dies down. “Am I still alive?” You ask, having ducked and covered as you had learned to do. Her eyes snap to you and you feel them burning as hot as her flamer, as though boring into your very being. You know she is eyeing you for any glimpse of heresy, you pray she doesn’t pick up on any. If she does, you might be lucky enough to garner a quick death via chansword rather than a drawn out burning ordeal. Though likely not.

“Die heretic!” “No, fuck you, you crazy bolter bitch, I’m not a heretiiicccccc!!!” You howl as you dodge yet another slash of her chainsword. She’s fast, too fast, and in her armor far stronger than you are. The sword comes back around just after you dodged, you don’t have time to avoid it this time. You throw up your hands in some kind of pitiful defense. The roaring implement of demise slashes down toward you, is this it? Is this how you end up? Cut to pieces on some xeno world by a cute but slightly crazy “ally”?

An instant before the chainsword crashes home into your soft, fleshy frame, a blinding golden light flashes. The chainsword flys out of the Sorita’s hand and lands in the dirt yards away. She blinks at you, clearly in shock. “It must be a sign…” She whispers, and she kneels in quick prayer. You get up off the ground and dust off your hat. You aren’t sure what happened, but if it hadn’t you would be dead. In the flash of light, you swear you glimpsed a golden pauldron of some kind. But that isn’t possible, you must have just been seeing things.

You squirm a bit under her gaze, which doesn’t let up as her face draws ever closer… “Hmph, something saved you today, the Emprah must be watching over you. Still, I can’t ignore such an obvious sign.” She sets down her weapons and takes a seat on a piece of rubble, sighing as she does so.

You can’t help but notice, even for a Sorita, she is really damn cute. She sports a shorter cut of the Sister’s standard white hair, though with the addition of a small purity seal hair pin. Her face is smooth, and she sports a small inqusitiorial tattoo under her left eye, which is blue. You notice her right eye, in comparison, is green. Admittedly however, you have a hard time concentrating on any of these details. After all, you’ve never been this close to a Sorita, especially one with such massive sweater squiggies, who also tried to kill you. Emprah be praised, sometimes this grim and dark universe offers a brief reprieve of bliss. Though the grimdark of the fact you almost got flayed still has you pretty shaken up.

“S-s-s-so, w-w-w-what are you doing here?” Your voice is shaky, must be the adrenaline. You sit down and put your hat on your lap to cover up your massive erection, must be the adrenaline, maybe. She looks you over again before answering, the steel in her eyes still very apparent. She doesn’t trust you, and you can’t exactly blame her. Golden flashes of light and all. “I got separated from my sisters when the Chaos Marines hit our position, the defiler they brought with them overwhelmed our zeal, we clearly were not faithful enough.” She looks at her hands dejectedly, as though disgusted with herself.

“Do you have any idea what in the name of the Emprah is happening here? I mean, how many of our forces are left, how screwed are we?” You ask, placing the hat back on your head. She looks back at you and shrugs. “You probably know most of it. Our troops are scattered at best, the guard is more or less wiped out, and the space marines… well…” she trails off, looking annoyed. “Did they charge another Titan and or Monolith?” “A Knarloc…” She says through her double facepalm.

Your foot feels itchy and restless, you rub at it through your boot absent mindedly. “So what your trying to tell me, is we are pretty screwed?” She shrugs in her armor, lowering her hands. “The guard and astartes perhaps, but I know my Sisters are alive and bolstering their strength, I just know it!” She suddenly looks hopeful, the fire back in her eyes. It’s not like you have much going on anyway. “Want me to help you find them, your sisters I mean? I’m sure they are just fine.” She stands up and walks over to you, placing one of her gauntleted hands on your shoulder. “I’m glad to hear it, I’ll accept your help Commissar.” She beams at you before slowly looking away, averting her eyes. You notice she is blushing a bit as she rubs her lip with a finger. “…and I’m sorry I tried to purge you.” You barely hear her. Your heart is pounding in your ears being this close to her. You might need to move your hat again, damn adrenaline. She suddenly spins around and pumps a fist. “All right, let us venture forth and find my Sisters!” The sudden change snaps you out of your dreamy state.

“Huzzzzah!” you yell as you drive your boot into her backside She yelps in surprise and spins around, glaring at you, teeth bared in rage. “That’s for trying to flay me without even having a POSSIBLE REASON as to why I was somehow a heretic.” You shout at her. Her temper briefly flares but suddenly subsides and she nods. “I’ve rightly earned that, perhaps my zeal was… ah… too hot this day.” “Damn right it was…” You mutter as you cross your arms. “Anyways, where exactly are we headed?” You ask. She looks at you quizzically. “I thought perhaps you knew, Commissar. As the Emperor’s hand seems to rest on your shoulder this day.” You don’t say anything, it’s evident neither of you have any idea where to go.

""Grab my hand and spin with me sister!" You yell, outstretching your hand toward her. "Wh-what?" She asks, taking a step back and perhaps re-evaluating your level of heresy. You dive in and snatch her hand, pulling her in close to you. Your eyes meet and in that moment of primordial passion you begin to spin. Faster and faster you go, where you'll wind up nobody knows.

"TO THE SKIES!" You bellow suddenly, stopping the spin. "Huh?" The surprised Sorita gasps. You pull her to a nearby Valkerie, and together you clamor inside. "Do you uh... Know how to drive one of these?" You stop pushing buttons and flipping switches to look over at her for a moment. "No I do not, and knowing is half the battle." With a lurch the Valkerie lifts off and jets away, as you cruise about the skies with impunity. "WERE GOING DOWNNNNN!" The sister bellows, grabbing for something to brace the impact. The craft slams into the pavement hard, and suddenly breaks through the ground below...

"Are we dead?" The Sorita asks, rubbing her head. You feel around, you don't think you are. "That would be my ASS Commissar..."

Meanwhile, in the legion of doom...

"Lord Abbadon, we have completed the final preparations, we are prepared to use THAT."

Abbadon, the embodiment of Chaos, almost allows himself to crack a smile. Soon this world w...

A loud crash is heard overhead and Abbadon gazes up to see what caused the ruckus. A second later, the cockpit of a Valkyrie sinks down into view. Inside, a Commissar and a Sorita...

"I was just looking for the instrument panel..." You lie, not sure what drove you to try to cop a feel over power armor. The Valkyrie sinks into the dirt and suddenly drops down into a cave below. And Abbadon the Despoiler is staring you in the face.

"Oh Emprah, THRUSTERS TO MAXIMUM! LET FLY ALL GUNS" You punch the controls and slam every button you can reach. The Valkyrie's engines roar and the frontal guns and missiles erupt to life. Or they would if the power wasn't dead. Abbadon's companion rips open the cockpit of the ship, as Abbadon himself has no arms, and wrenches you out, holding you in his power claw. This is probably the end for you. The Sorita is snatched up by two other Chaos Marines in Terminator armor. This really, really doesn't look good. Still, there's nothing like a good blaster at your side kid.

The Chaos Marines are too busy cackling madly to notice you slipping your laspistol out of its holster. "Its Blamming time!" Your first shot hits the one holding you under the jaw, and at point blank range there is nothing to save him. The power claw goes slack and he drops you to the ground as his corpse falls backwards. With excellent accuracy you headshot one of the Terminators holding your Sorita friend, and he fudges his save and dies because fuck him. The other one drops the sisters arm and runs. "Nooooo, noooooo!!! Seize them! Seize theemmmmm!!!" Abbadon howls after you as you grab the Sorita's arm and break into a run.

"Abbadon, your reign of heresy ends TODAY!" You draw your sword and ready yourself, steeling your nerves for what you are about to do. Wait are you about to attack fucking Abbadon THE DESPOILER? Too late, your legs are already moving, propelling you at full force right at the embodiment of heresy. "Commissar no!" You hear the Sorita call out from behind you. This attack could well decide the fate of the Imperium as man as you know it.

You swing with all your might, but it only slams into the side of Abbadon's exposed head and doesn't penetrate more than a millimeter. He reels backwards and trips over his foot, crashing onto his back. You thought about finishing him off until a horde of Chaos Marines come charging from a passage in the cave. "Time to go!" You yell as you grab the Sorita and throw her over your shoulder. Holy fuck she is heavy, that power armor weighs a ton. Still, you can't be a little bitch right now. You toss her into the passenger seat of the Valkyrie and jump in yourself. Furiously you smash and kick and scream at the controls. The Chaos Marines are close enough to start shooting now, and they do. Bolter rounds slam into the hull of the vehicle all around you. "By the Empruh you will start this day!" You scream as you shoot the instrument panel. The machine spirit reluctantly gives and the craft shudders to life. Wasting no time you throw it in R and hit max throttle.

"I'll get you next time Commissar! NEXT TIME!!!!" Abbadon howls at you, shaking his fist in rage, if he had one. With a terrible screech the craft throws itself backwards out of the hole and soars ass-first into the sky. While its true you did manage to put this punk machine spirit in its place, it is also true that you still don't know how to fly this damn thing. Worse yet, the engines are losing power and the control panel is flashing on and off. This bird is going down, the question is, where?

"Hey, since we might die when you try to land this thing, whats your name?" The Sorita looks over to you and asks. You look away from the instrument panel momentarily. "Its Max, not sure why you want to know a silly thing like that." She looks away. "Max..." She says softly. "And how about you, what can I call you?" Her gaze snaps back to you. "Lycheria. Sister Lycheria." The left engine flames out, looks like this is going to be another hard landing.

The roof of the manifactorum is underneath you, and though it is quite an impressively large structure, you do question your own landing skills. The Valkyrie shudders and bucks as its last remaining engine struggles to keep the craft stable. Wind whips though the now exposed cockpit. "Hey!" The Sorita yells over the din. "If this is the end for us, I just wanted to let you know, I was glad to meet you Max." She finishes with a small smile. The sight give you a bit of confidence, but still, the task before you is daunting. "Here goes nothing right?" You grip the controls hard. The ship is coming in to hot, but there is little more you can do than try to hold her steady, hope the roof holds, and hope you don't go skidding off of it and crash into the ground far below the building.

With some kind of deft skill you must have latently been concealing up until this point, you actually manage to set the Valkyrie down fairly lightly for a flaming hunk of fire and hate. When the craft finally skids to a stop and the painful screaming subsides, you open your eyes. “Do stop screaming will you…” Lycheria asks, looking at you dubiously. You lay back in your seat and wipe the sweat off your face. Yesterday you were stealing extra rations from the barracks, today you’ve fought off one of the Imperium’s greatest foes, landed a ship you didn’t know how to fly, and actually lived to tell the tale. Lycheria gets up and stretches, her curvy frame filling up your view against a backdrop of sky. “What’s the matter?” She tilts her head back to look at you playfully. “Carnifex got your tongue?” You smile, but your vision is getting hazy. You try to get up and find that you can’t. Looking down, you see why. A piece of shrapnel from the shredded canopy has annoyingly lodged itself in your chest. Blood drips down from the wound. Lycheria’s face goes white-er, as she notices the wound. She rushes over to you quickly and pulls apart your clothing to get a better look at the wound. “Its… Its serious, but nothing you can’t survive.” She pulls you to your feet. “We’re going to go find you some help, get you patched up. By the Emperor’s holy codpiece you had better not die on me.” As she pulls you up, the shrapnel falls out of the wound. What looked like a piercing blow by a large shard is little more than a flesh wound. Both of you stop dead. Until Lycheria smacks you across the head.

“You bastard! I was actually worried about you there!” She screams frantically. And before you know it, her lips are pressed to yours. They are disarmingly soft, you don’t know why you had always assumed a Sorita’s outside would be tough, but it isn’t. The feeling is blissful, and you don’t want it to end. “Sorry, but I think I do have a concussion…” You mumble. “Well we will just have to get that treated, but you should be fine in the meantime. I’ll bandage up your wound though.” Lycheria grabs the medkit out of the husk of the Valkyrie and pops it open.

She tries unsuccessfully to open some packages and then sighs. “Power armor, good for many things, detail work not being one.” Her armor disengages itself and she begins to remove it. You’ve never seen a Sister or astartes remove their armor, it’s pretty interesting. Especially the part where her breastplate falls forward and her tits bounce from the release, though still hidden in a tight sports bra. (+1 as needed to contain tits of this magnitude.) She suddenly notices your eyes, and possibly the strand of drool leading to quite a puddle on the roof. “Like what you see, Commissar?” You're taken aback by the question. If you say yes, will she kill you or unlock full dere mode? Fucking women how do they work?

“…And if perhaps, I do?” You inquire. She picks you up by your collar and pulls you close, you can feel her hot breath on your face. “Then, Max, you had better be willing to see it through to the end.” Her lips meet yours again, a reunion that sets the sky alight with color and causes strange xeno birds to sing their song of triumph. Her breasts, though caged in her tight clothing and begging to be set free, smoosh themselves into your chest. Heaven, this is HEAVEN. The Emperor himself bro-fists you from the golden throne. “Sister Lycheria, is that you?” A voice calls out from the side of the building. Lycheria lets you go and whirls around. “Sister Candis, is that you!?” She cries out joyfully. “Indeed it is, come over here and we will get you off the roof.” The other sister yells back. Your first chance at some sweet warrior-girl-from-space action and you get cockblocked. HARD. Go figure...

Thread 2: EXTRA HERESY

Commissars Log. Planet: Yagis V. Date: Unknown

The Sister Candice has proven to be a powerful foe indeed. It is likely her cockblocking skills are the most feared in the entire sector, and perhaps beyond. The Soritas and I explored the manafactorium I so skillfully landed that wretched craft on. Inside can only be described as Glorious. An Imperial thong production plant, until this point I had only heard whispers and rumors of their existence, or read tidbits of information in tomes millennia old. The Sisters took the chance to change into some new undergarments, fresh off the line. Unfortunately I was apprehended in my Emperor-sanctioned quest to peek, and nearly lost my life to the hail of bolter and flamer fire that followed. Still, I did manage to catch a brief glimpse of perfection. Dat ass. Worse yet than being caught perhaps, Abbadon somehow obtained my personal communicator frequency. He has been spamming my textual box with death threats and pictures of… Terrible, terrible things of the most damaging kind. He is kind of a dick. My devoted follower Lycheria beckons for me. Commissar out.

“Hey Max, we are going to head to our personal ship. The Sisters were debating on whether or not to bring you along, and decided not to after your little… Ah… Stunt.” Lycheria looks disappointed, though not at you. “So that’s it, then?” You ask, not thrilled about being left behind. Nor about being separated from the crazy but cute bolter bitch. “For now, but I know the Emperor will bring us back together again. Here, have my personal channel, you can call or message me any time.” She slips a piece of paper into your pocket before looking around slyly. Seeing no one watching, she plants another kiss before turning to follower her Sisters. You watch sadly as she walks away, until she turns back one last time to shout at you with a smile. “If you don’t call me, I’ll BURN YOU ALIVE!” Well, time to figure out what to do.

Well with your party disbanded leaving you with but a single mana potion, you don’t really know what to do. Pretty much every xeno here would just as soon kill than perhaps eat you before you could even get a word in edgewise. You've never met an Eldar before, not that you really make a habit of meeting xenos for smalltalk, what with it being heresy and all. Still, if you had to pick, the Eldar seem perhaps the least likely to disembowel you for either fun or sacrifice to an ancient god. At least you think so, you admit you skimmed (see tldr) the Eldar chapters of your training manual.

With (though perhaps misplaced) optimism, you set out in search of those tall spindly xenos. Although thinking back, you swear the Farseer you saw stood at least a foot and a half shorter than the other Eldar around her. The journey is long and arduous on foot, wind threatens to take the hat right off your head. You can’t let that happen. Compounding the suck is the fact that you literally have nothing to eat and haven’t eaten anything since the last ration you had with your guardbros. Your stomach howls at you with the fury of the warp and the ‘nid swarm rolled into one. You scan everywhere, looking for something, ANYTHING to devour. Your heart sinks as you abandon all hope, Vagis V must be devoid of food. That is, until, you catch the scent of something that smells absolutely, decadently, delicious. Ravenous now, you pick up your pace as you follow your nose. A strangely colored bird with a massive beak darts around overhead. The sight of a fire a hundred yards away stops you dead in your tracks. You know better than to just rush in, you don’t have many friends left on this planet. Stalking now, you draw ever closer until you take cover behind a small pile of rock and peek out. Sitting in the clearing, roasting some kind of small animal carcass on the fire, is the Farseer you saw yesterday.

You remain silent as you sit and watch. The Farseer doesn’t seem to notice you as she checks on her food. A roasting animal shouldn’t smell this good. It isn’t just your hunger either, something is up. Heresy, it must be heresy. Or psychers, fuck you don’t know. She must think her food is ready, because she takes the spit off of the fire to let the meat cool. Slowly she looks around and you hide to avoid her gaze. Fairly certain she is safe, the Farseer lifts off her helmet and shakes out her hair. Beautiful, silky red hair. It’s long, long enough to reach down to her ass, and it looks thick even from here. She’s cute. You didn’t know Eldar could be cute. Though really, you didn’t know what Eldar looked like without their helmets on. You had always assumed terrible soulless eyes and a gaping maw filled with teeth and two ever-moving mandibles. The Farseer cautiously takes a bite of the roast and her face lights up. It must taste good. By the Emprah, you want some of that food… You watch as she rips off chunk after chunk with her teeth. Not a very ladylike way to eat, but you would look like a barbarian in comparison at the moment. Instantly and suddenly her eyes snap to you, as if she just knew you were there. With a startled cry she drops her meal and grabs her spear, bringing it to bear right at you. Before you can shout out anything, the rocks in front of you explode away, knocking you backwards. The Farseer runs at you, clearly intent on running you through. You manage to dodge just in time, but she’s coming around for another go. It doesn’t seem she has any intention of talking with you.

You draw your sword and turn to face her, swinging your weapon around in skillful arcs. She pauses at the sight, you must have dazzled her with your awesomeness. “NOPE, fuck this.” You yell as you swing the sword down like a golf club and slash up a blast of sand. It hits her in the eyes and she curses, at least you think so. You break into a dead run, pumping furiously. Looking back, you see she is hot on her tail, despite clawing at her eyes. Now you should be able to outrun someone shorter than you. After all, being in the guard you are In pretty damn good shape. Why then, is she gaining on you? “Fucking sorcery!” You yell as a flying kick catches you in the back, knocking you face-first into the sand. You knew you should have tried to fight, as you feel the tip of the spear press into your back. It’s all over now… But a quiet rumble in the distance causes you both to pause and look up. Whatever it is, its getting closer, and fast. Through the haze you manage to make out that it’s a lone figure on a motorcycle. And his head is on fire.

Wait… Is that fucking Doomrider? You remember the myths and stories as a lad growing up. Doomrider, bane of man, devourer of cocaine. This is probably not a safe place to be, what laying right in his path and all. Fuck it, you will take your chances with the Farseer. You roll to your left, out from under the spear, and jump to your feet. You grab the Eldar’s hand and pull her. “Run, bitch, RUN!!!” You shout as you break into a dead sprint, pushing yourself as hard as you can. She doesn’t seem to understand why or to where she is running, but she is smart enough to not question you as she follows. You are too busy looking back at the lord of drugs to notice you are running straight at a narrow chasm. You catch it out of the corner of your eye. It’s a split second decision but you don’t have much choice, going to have to jump for it.

YES!

Somehow, miraculously, you clear the chasm. When you looked down mid-jump you notice Abbadon screaming up at you furiously, as a horde of his followers all text away furiously, still filling your inbox. Good thing you made it. “Hah, we did it!” You turn excitedly to the Farseer. She looks back at you, a twinge of excitement and relief on her face. Strands of long red hair blow faintly in the wind, and you finally get a good look at her in the full outline of the blue sky. …Just in time to see Doomrider pop a wheelie and clear the jump with ease. “I’M GOING TO GRIND YOU UP AND SNORT YOUR BONES IMPERRIAAALLLLLL!!!” You hear him yell madly. “God damn it, today is just not my day!” You start to run again. The Farseer doesn’t hear you as she stops to turn around, raising her spear in defiance at the Harbinger of Heroin. This girl is either stupid, crazy, or confident. Maybe all three, you can’t be sure. Either way, you’ve got a decision to make.

“I am getting too old for this constant litany of BULLSHIT!” You howl furiously as you snatch the Farseer’s spear from her hand and dash over to a nearby Ork Warbike. Surprisingly the bike starts with no effort whatsoever and in fact everything is incredibly easy about it, as if it wants you to ride. Annoying; considering how much bullshit an Imperium vehicle puts you through, that this Ork monstrosity of engine, chrome, and flame decals give you no trouble. You turn to face Doomrider, and rev your engine as high and as loud as you can. Doomrider turns his bike sideways and skids to a stop, a hundred yards away or so. With little struggle he pulls a tree up out of the dirt and bites one end, gnawing and gnashing at it until it forms a nasty point. Both of you sit there, revving your engines, eyeing each other. “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!” He finally screams, beginning his charge. You dump your own clutch and twist as hard as you can, the Ork bike clunking to action as it takes off. The two of you grow ever closer, each spear pointed at the other. This could end up alright, or very, very badly. You want to close your eyes and have that Eldar girl hold you tight, maybe grab some afternoon delight. But there isn’t time, you are seconds away from impact.

Your spear slams itself directly into Doomrider’s chest, impaling him as it knocks him off of his bike, which crashes into some rocks and sails end over end. His own spear hit the front of your bikes handlebars and shattered. Say what you will about the Orks, when they do make something, they make it sturdy. You quickly slow to a stop as Doomrider falls to the ground, gasping and feeling at the spear now lodged in him. It looks fatal, but you know better by now. He seems currently disabled at least. You approach him, laspistol drawn, as he groans and looks up at you. He reaches out to you with one hand as if begging. “IF YOU MUST KILL ME, AT LEAST LET ME DIE WITH THE TASTE OF ACID IN MY MOUTH AND THE SMELL OF SWEET SNOW IN MY NOSE!” Despite him being one of the more terrifying things you’ve ever encountered, this gives you pause. You would be a right bastard if you denied him his last request…

A bag on his bike contains… well… a plethora of drugs. If there was a market, nay, a superwalmart for drugs, it would be this guy’s satchel. You aren’t even sure of most of the shit you’re looking at. You grab out what you think are some acid tabs and a bag out of six dozen or so of different white powders. There is no way to tell which one is blow, and you really doubt Doomrider cares much. You lean down and hand him the drugs, which he eagerly consumes. Now comes time for the dirty deed…

Wait, Doomrider is slowly fading out, growing more and more transparent by the second. “HAHAHAHAHA!” He bellows with laughter as he stands up, the spear falling from his no longer physical chest. “Son of a fucking bitch!” You fire your laspistol anyways, but the shot sails right through him and not in a good way. “YOU FIGHT WELL AND HONORABLE FOR A MORTAL, I SHALL SINGS SONGS OF THIS DAY WHILE I INDULGE MYSELF!” He is almost entirely transparent now, his head is really the only thing you can still make out. “IN YOUR HOUR OF PLIGHT YOU MAY DO WELL TO CALL ON ME, HUMAN, FOR I EAGARLY AWAIT OUR NEXT MEETING! UNTIL THEN, MAY YOUR LIFE BE FULL OF PLEASURE!” With this, he is entirely gone. You remember now, part of the fables you were read as a boy. Doomrider is notorious for disappearing, entirely at random as it were… This leaves you alone with the Farseer, who is approaching you, eyes fixed dead on your face. Aww yeah, you impressed this bitch. You are a fucking pimp of the Imperium after all. Her face is nearly at yours, though you would have to lean down to meet it, so you do. And she decks you square in the jaw.

“You idiot mon-keigh! What in the name of Uthwe would I have done without my spear! Did you ever stop to think maybe a fucking FARSEER might be, oh, I don’t know, A FUCKING SPECIALIST AT FIGHTING CHAOS DAEMONS!!!” She mad. “But… But I…” You stammer, surprised at the blow. “No, you acted like a fool!” She shouts, crossing her arms and turning her back to you. “…Still, for a guardsman you did fare quite well against such a foe…” You rub your jaw, it wasn’t a hard blow, just caught you off guard is all. Silence fills the air. Until it is almost immediately disturbed by a tremendous growl from your gut. “Ugh…” You groan, rubbing your stomach. Suddenly a hand is thrust into your face, holding what looks like a small biscuit thing. “Huh?” You ask, looking up at her. The Farseer is looking away, refusing to meet your eyes. She is blushing furiously. “I made this earlier, you can have it. It… It’s not like I want you to eat it, or anything.” She adds quickly. “All right then, I’ll try it…” You accept the food from her, not wanting to seem over-eager. Your stomach gives you up when it groans furiously that you have dared take so long to sate it when you are staring fucking food in the face. You take a small bite, and your tongue is alive… With FLAVOUR. A biscuit shouldn’t taste this good. Cannot possibly taste this good. But it isn’t just your stomach talking, the biscuit is fucking delicious. “W… Well?” The Farseer asks, glancing back and forth at you. You lick your fingers, having polished off the morsel already. “It was really good, you can cook for me anytime.” Her face lights up and she beams, eyes wide with delight. “Really?” Then she quickly catches herself and looks away again, giving you the cold shoulder. “I didn’t make it for you or anything, quit acting so grateful you mon-keigh.” "Even if you didn't make it for me, I'm still glad you let me have it. Got any more?" The Eldar girl shrugs.

"Not on me, no. But if I had the ingredients I could make more." Your stomach growls again, reminding you that one little snack isn't going to do it. Fuck you stomach, you and dick both bossing around poor old brain, he never did anything to you jerks. "Well if your THAT hungry we could maybe catch some fish to cook. From orbital data the oceans here are stock full of fish, and the water is close by." She tsks at you and turns away. "If it even smells like anything you have cooked for me before, I'm all in." So with that said, you two set off for the ocean. "So did you bring a swimsuit?" You ask, trying to start up some conversation. "Even if I did, why would I wear it for you, pervert?" She fumes. "Whoa turn the hate off of eleven for a minute. I'm sweaty as Horus in a tracksuit, so I figured I would take a swim." "Hmph, my undersuit would work fine, but I'm not ditching my armor so you can eye rape me." Damn this girl is cold...

You feel your luck increase ever so slightly... Huh. You finally get to the beach, and it is a damn pretty one. White sands, blue water, cute girl still glaring at you. Ahh... Bliss. You strip down to your standard issue guard skivvies and run excitedly down to the water. You busy yourself splashing and scrubbing, lost in the paradise of warm tropical water. You lean back and stretch, taking it all in, when you hear a splash behind you. "Don't get me wrong, I just decided I needed to cool off!" By the Emprah... A white bikini?

Hot giggidy son, those are some psychic xeno tits. They aren’t big, but they aren’t small, maybe somewhere around a c-cup? You can’t exactly think straight right now. What with the white clashing awesomely with her flowing red hair and vibrant, and fiercely intelligent turquoise eyes. “Yo, stupid mon-keigh, quit titfucking me with your eyes and get to fishing already.” She says flatly as she cracks you over the head with a rod. Where the hell did she even get that from? Eldar trickery. But imagining titfucking those glorious xeno-baits, yeah you could do it, you WANT to do it. She thwaps you with the rod again. Despite your best effort to actually concentrate on fishing, sitting on the beach alongside her, you just can’t. You have a slight bit of Eldar ass cleavage drawing your eyes away from the rod, the sight is mesmerizing. You could lose yourself in it. There is a sudden tug on your line.

There is a tremendous tug as line starts screaming out of the bail, despite having the drag notched up a bit because you are a fishing noob. The rod is bent double, and you have your feet buried in the sand in an attempt to remain on the beach. A tremendous explosion erupts from the surface some two hundred yards out. Water soars a thousand feet into the sky from the sheer force of the breach.

Only it isn’t an explosion.

And it isn’t a fish.

Ra’alman, the epic sea beast of Yagis V lore, is hooked on your rubber worm bait. More serpent than anything else, it’s glowing vorpal red eyes and razor sharp ten foot long teeth are the most terrifying things you’ve ever witnessed. Men have been lost to madness for seeing this creature. Only a new world, universe, of terror is awakened from its dark slumber as the creature throws it’s head in a blood-draining, suicide-inducing scream. You grip the rod as tight as you can as you struggle with all your might against the beast.

Do you cut the line and remain on the relative safety of the beach?

Or do you show this Farseer what a real fisherman can do?

“I AM POSIDEON, MASTER OF THE SEAS, AND I SHALL CLAIM YOU AS MY MEAL!” A sharp tug of the line and you are thrown forward into the seas, which have grown rough and dark, black ominous clouds now looming overhead. With incredible speed you are dragged down, down, down, into the inky black. Slowly the dragging stops, and you are left alone in the pitch darkness. You can’t see your own hand in front of your face, or even tell which way the surface is. You look down and notice two burning, hateful red eyes staring back at you from the nothingness below. With a quick movement you draw out the small bait knife the Eldar girl gave you along with the rod. “Time to dance, fishfag.” But it just comes out as a bunch of bubbles. With astounding speed the beast rushes for you, and you can feel the sucking motion through the water as the giant opens its god-devouring maw. You draw your arm back, preparing to strike.

A blinding light illuminates the seas around you, emanating from an anglerfish-like protrusion from the beast’s head. In the sudden blue light you can see now what you are really up against. Those teeth are jagged and barbed, ending in points sharper than the most finely honed templar blade. Each again, several feet longer than you are, and there are thousands of them, set in rows, going as deep into the monster’s horrific bowels. The legends call this the horror-fish. It has been known to devour ships out of the sky. And if the legends hold true, this beast also is responsible for consuming alive every god that once existed on this fowl planet. But those are just legends. Right?

You try to swim upwards as fast as you can, the jaws only yards away now. Your lungs are burning for air, which you are nowhere near. Ra’alman misses you by a hair, his terrible bony body scraping against your foot, sending a jolt of pain through your whole body. With no time to think you do the only thing you can come up with, and drive your pitiful knife as hard as you can into the beast’s back. It sinks in. With all of the creature’s speed you are thrown forward along with it, as the god-eater barrels toward the surface. It screams again, it’s agonizing song even more soul-devastating underwater. You lose all hope as your lungs finally give out and you suck in seawater…

Until with the force of a thousand suns, the monster breaches the surface yet again. You are soaring upwards, dozens, hundreds, thousands of feet above the seas below. “Oh FUUUUUUU….” You manage to yell between coughs of belching up salt water, as the peak of the climb is reached, and the fall begins. You plummet, ever and ever faster toward the now frigid waters below, which chop and crash as though they too wish to feast on your pitiful human flesh. At the last second before impact, you ditch the knife and jump for it, crashing down into the water. You are a pretty good swimmer, but you are a hundred meters from the shore, where the Farseer girl is screaming, you think. Looking back, you see the hungry jaws of Ra’alman closing fast, dead set on having you for a snack. “NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!!!” You freestyle as hard and as fast as you can, screaming litanies of protection and struggling against the weak confines of your own frail and now beaten body. You are so close now…

By the Emprah and those white bikini xeno titties, you are not dying here today. Your strength doubles and you make the final push to the land, running up the beach as fast as you can. Ra’alman’s momentum carries him up the sand after you, but friction gets the better of him and he is slowed to a halt. You are mere inches away from his putrid hole, which gnashes and bites at you, now just barely out of reach. With a frustrated scream, the beast starts to retreat. But not before coughing and hitting you in the face with a 5lb fish that is still flopping away madly. “Catch anything?” The Farseer asks coyly.

“Fuck you and every spindly space elf that looks like you.” You splutter as you cough up yet more seawater. “No really, that big speech and all? I didn’t realize it was directed at this anusfish.” She laughs, shaking the flailing fish in your face, taunting you. “Yeah well you… Wait did you just call it an anusfish?” Her grin is ear to ear, leading you on. “Why yes, Commissar, I did.” “And why, exactly?” “Because they taste like ass, according to all planetary data logs.” She can barely contain her laughter at this point. You stand up and brush off as much sand as you can, trying to regain some air of dignity. “I’ll have you know, Eldar, that there are some asses I ENJOY the taste of, and if you don’t believe me, bend over and allow me to demonstrate.”

She pulls back a bit, losing the smile. “I’ll pass on that today, thanks. Though I will cook your anusfish if you so desire, I myself caught this.” She holds up a three foot long flatfish, it looks like some kind of bottomfeeder. “Supposed to be the best delicacy of the sea on the whole of Yagis V.” She brags.

“Yeah well, I usually enjoy ass for dessert, not the main course…” You give in as you toss your fish back into the water. You turn back to her slowly. “Although you could still make me some dessert later, perhaps?” Another dive knife goes sailing past your left ear, clipping it ever so slightly, just enough to draw a drop of blood. “Don’t even think about it worm. The next time you do, I won’t miss.” Dayum shame, you would eat that ass. You would eat it and be damn proud of the fact. “Hmph, well since you admit I caught the better fish, I’ll treat you to a good meal.” She stops suddenly.

“But just for tonight, mon-keigh. Don’t expect me to grace you with my divine presence like this again.” You don’t say anything as you lay back on the warm sand and watch her work her magic. That is, until she kicks sand in your face and smacks you with her fishing rod until you get up to go gather fire wood so she can cook. After collecting everything you can that she needs, you again lay back down to take in the view. And by the view, you mean that bent over ass shot, as she tends to the fish now filling the nearby area with its unfathomable sweet aroma. It has been a loooooonggg time since you’ve had anything that could constitute a home cooked meal. The barracks serves high-nutrient slop, and the carry rations are bland and fairly tasteless. You are going to enjoy this, no matter how damaged your pride may be.

Her butt shakes around as she darts this way and that, adding spices and making adjustments with some kind of knowledge likely garnered through thousands of years of perfection and study. “I can literally FEEL your eyes on my ass, stop that if you want any food!” She snaps at you. Bah, it’s not like you want dat ass, or anything… baka… Getting up to stretch out your legs, you really wish you had a beer, it has been months since you’ve even beheld the beauty that is a cold bottle of “Librarian’s Imperial Pale Ale.”

The thought of a beer even fades quickly when you inhale, you can almost taste that roasting fish, your stomach is locked in a civil war on itself. In addition to the fish; the Farseer also gathered up some assorted roots, which, though glowing a disheartening orange, she assured you were edible. “Hey, I never did get your name…” You inquire, looking back at the still bent-over Eldar. “Hah, as if you are deserving enough to be blessed by its utterance.” She retorts. “I’m Max, Max Decarus.” You reply, ignoring her stinging comments. “I’m Eshwe Ulthran. My friends call me Esh.” Her face goes red. “N-Not that you can call me that, mon-keigh!” You grin.

“Alright Eshwe.” “You ingrate, I told you only my friends… Wait did you just use my actual name?” She asks, fishing rod poised to strike. “Well yeah, I mean, it isn’t like we are friends are we?” You can barely contain your trollface. She looks like she’s pouting a bit though trying her best to conceal it. “Anyways, Eshwe, I’m going to find us someplace to crash, why don’t you rest by the fire and call me when the food is ready?” You turn around and begin to stroll off. Her hand snatches out and grabs your wrist, stopping you mid-step. You turn around slowly. She isn’t looking at you, her eyes are lowered and you can’t see them under her hair. Her cheeks are burning red. “…You… You can call me Esh… Idiot mon-keigh…”

Thread 3: YOU... DOUBLE MON-KEIGH!

Thin streams of sunlight pour through the morning dew of the fronds above you. Golden, exuberant, and warm. You can hear the soft waves as they creep back and forth across the beach, and various birds singing for joy of a fresh day. The reassuring sounds begin to put you back to sleep. The small shelter you built keeps just enough of the sun out that you think you’ll drift off for another few hours. All while so comfortably warm, though oddly your front seems warmest despite facing away from the entrance… Your eyes pry open just a crack, but you can’t see much through the red hair. Wait wut. Your pupils dilate as your heart goes from a relative calm to being chased through the jungle by a Eversor assassin in a running battle of drug-fueled destruction that only fate can decide. It is at that moment you realize, the air around you is actually quite cool, a bit uncomfortably so even. What’s keeping you warm, in fact, is that you are currently spooning the fuck out of Esh.

Badger shit cunts, this is bad. If she wakes up, she’ll hit you with that spear. Power of a bolter, accuracy of an Exitus rifle. One hit from that and it’s all over. Unfortunately, you can’t ignore the fact that her barely-covered ass has apparently parked itself right on your dick, which itself is… Well… Fully enjoying the morning, as it were. You swallow hard, mind racing in some desperate bid to come up with an exit strategy. Your other mind is telling you to have at it and patting you on the back in celebration. Further damning the situation, your arm is wrapped around her chest tightly, and you can make out some soft underboob. While it is true you aren’t sure how she will react to this situation, the thought crosses your mind that perhaps it would be best to not find out…

Just as you start to try to disengage yourself from this situation, your own body betrays you. The sound of you ripping ass, a long-winded release of concentrated warp energy, fills the small shelter… “JUST AS PLANNED!!” Tzeentch crows happily from inside the warp. Esh stirs slightly, and for a brief moment it appears that perhaps she will remain asleep. “Enjoy the moment while it lasts, mon-keigh. For it shall be your last.” Well, it was nice knowing yourself.

Eshwe sits up, her neck cracking as it turns around to face you. Her normally turquoise eyes are now glowing with arcane energy as they lock onto you. “Wait! Wait, Esh, this is a misunderstanding!” You stammer, backing up and searching desperately for your pants. Esh smiles, but it isn’t a pleasant like “Oh ok, good morning though.” Kind of smile. More like a “I will enjoy tearing you apart with my mind.” Grin of madness.

“Damn it Esh, this is your fault! I made you your own place to sleep, what in the Emprah’s name are you doing in my bed!?” You don’t think this last desperate bid will matter, the air has begun to crackle ominously with energies you cannot even begin to fathom. A small little rat-like thing scurries away, as though even it can sense shit is about to go south. Esh’s eyes grow even more intense, you can no longer make out her pupils. They are smoldering so bright you can’t even look at them without it hurting your head. But then, just as suddenly as they had ignited, her eyes returned to normal. Esh looks around slightly before turning back to you. “I’m not putting it past you to have swifted me away for your… Carnal desires… But I can’t prove it.” She sighs as she crosses her arms. “I’m going to change.” She adds. You relax as relief floods though your body. Until Esh clocks you overhead. “Oi, you, mon-keigh! When a girl says she’s going to change, that means you get out of the room! Go find something for breakfast.” Esh grabs one of her fishing rods and starts swinging away at you until she herds you out of the shelter. Once you are finally outside she tosses the rod after you. Well at least you survived the morning. Hell, a part of you even enjoyed it. You are a bit hungry, you admit. Though one thought seems to be shoving the others aside. Inside that small shelter, which is in no way wind-proof, is a naked Farseer.

A guardsman without his pants is like a boy wifout ‘iz choppah, sumfin bout it aint right. “Hold up, Esh, I need my pants!” You lean back down to the entrance of the shelter. It takes a moment for your eyes to adjust to the dimness. Esh is frozen, her face a look of shock. Back to you, arms outstretched above her. Wearing nothing but a gaze that says you had better go chance a swim with Ra’alman because he might be more merciful. A sudden blast of psyonic energy throws you backward, and as you careen through the air, you can’t help but still picture that bare heretical xeno ass. Worth it? Maybe. You land face down in the sand. As you start to get up, a rough foot on your head shoves you back down. “If I didn’t have somewhere I needed to be, I would enjoy taking my time murdering you, you… DOUBLE MON-KEIGH!!!” Esh doesn’t let you up, instead choosing to grind your face in the sand. “You might be of some use to me later though, so I’ll give you a way to contact me in case I need to summon you, whelp.” A flash of searing pain explodes in your head, your jaw contorting in agony. You suddenly know what frequency to contact Esh on. The Farseer is nowhere to be found by the time you pick yourself off of the beach. You wash the sand off in the alien sea, making sure to stay close to shore and keeping an eye out for the fish-fag from yesterday, as you ponder what to do next…

You decide that checking out the Tau first is probably your best bet. The hot springs are close by and surrounded by thick woods which should offer you good cover to observe from. You could also use a bath, salt water leaves a sticky residue.

A nearby Sentinel makes for quick travel, or would, if you had any idea how to drive one. “Empruh titty fucking Terra!” You yell as you faceplant the walking vehicle into the sand. Oh well, you are better off on foot from here anyways. What did the driving instructor call you at basic training again? A “being of unfathomable destruction whilst driving, do not allow within three meters of any controls.” Or something like that. “Alright, let’s do this shit.” You mutter as you start sneaking through the woods. You may not be a Stormtrooper (not that you were too short to try out), but you can be pret-ty damn sneaky.

The damp ground and thick foliage make it slow going, and you really hope you don’t just stumble into a fucking Kroot or something. Finally you see more light streaming through the canopy and you can smell a tinge of sulfur. You are close. Belly crawling now, you avoid a two foot long caterpillar, keeping a close eye on it, when suddenly your head bumps into something hard. Looking up you stare into the face… Thing… Of a crisis battle suit. A plethora of guns staring your right in the face. You fully accept your swift demise before noticing the hatch is open, and the cockpit unoccupied. What appears to be a thin yellow skin-tight outfit of some kind hanging off of it. You sneak away from the suit, finding a bit of high ground next to a particularly large tree. Poking your head out from the bushes ever so slightly, you are completely startled at what you see. Down below you, fully visible in the middle of the spring, is a lone Tau. …And she is gloriously naked. You watch, utterly infatuated, as she pours water down her front. Soap bubbles run down between her perfectly formed size F, perky and yet round, greater goods. “Oh this is such heresy…” You groan quietly as you feel a swelling in your pants. You have never been this close to a Tau, but this one is way different from what you’ve seen before. For starters, clearly a woman.

Her skin is a lighter hue of blue, maybe from lack of sunlight crammed in that suit all day? Bright violet hair falls just past her shoulders. She also looks young, not that you really know what a young Tau girl looks like, but certainly nothing like the grizzled fire warriors you are used to. Just… Young. Like someone your age would look, if they had blue skin. You know this is textbook heresy, the bolter bitches would be roasting you alive if they knew. “Thou shall not extend thy wood over Xenos.” Or some such. You can’t look away though, eyes glued to the soft curvy body innocently washing itself before you. The Tau girl reaches down with a cloth and soaps up her plump ass. You find yourself subconsciously fiddling for the mark IIV K.West-pattern sun shield goggles you left with your old gear, as you bite your bottom lip. She drops the cloth accidentally and starts to bend down to retrieve it. “Oh Terra…” You lean forward for a better view.

• SNAP*

A twig cracks under your knee and you stop moving, stop breathing. The Tau girl whirls around and freezes, she clearly sees you. “Kyaaaaa!” She yells in a high, surprisingly girly voice, before dropping into the water leaving just her head exposed. Before you can react, she produces a pistol and points it at you with a shaking hand. “Wait!” You plead, “Wait, I’m not here to fight!” You hold out your hands to show you are unarmed, weapons in the dirt behind you. The Tau girl looks at you wide-eyed, terrified. Her cheeks have turned a brilliant pink. “D-did y-you see?” She stammers, still pointing the pistol. “Only a little! None of your bits!” You lie quickly and hopefully convincingly. he doesn’t look like she buys it entirely, but she lowers the gun slightly. “A-are you the… The only one here?” She asks quietly. If you didn’t know any better you would have to think she is actually… Embarrassed? “Yep, just me.” You tell her in your best soothing voice, “Pretty sure I’m the last guardsman on the planet too.” “What d-do you want?” She asks, still hiding her body, though the pistol is no longer trained on your head. You think hard. You aren’t really sure why you are here, sure the skull data and whatnot. But really, why ARE you here?

“Just a soak, care if I join you?” You ask nonchalantly, as though this had really been your plan all along. The Tau girls face blushes even harder. “W-w-w-well it is wrong not to share…” She stammers, clearly torn between an indoctrinated belief and the fact that she is quite without clothes. Wasting no time you strip down to your heresy-blockers and cannonball into the warm water. The dried salt is stripped away from your skin, you instantly feel refreshed and for the first time since clambering out of a pile of dead Orks, clean. “Wow, I can see why you were in here.” You remark as you wipe the water off of your face. The Tau girl is in front of you, everything under her eyes is now below the water as she watches you. “Hey, relax, I’m really not going to hurt you, I swear by the Emprah.” You smile and try to look as friendly as a peeping tom can be. The rest of her head pops up and she smiles at you weakly, her face still flush. “Well, I’ll admit it is nice having company, I don’t really like being alone.” She mutters as she pushes her two index fingers together, eyes darting between you and the water. Without warning the Tau girl shrieks and jumps, eyes wide with fright. She runs right at you and you both crash backwards into the water. Blue xeno funbags now pressing hard against your face.

“Hey now, let’s at least see a movie first or something…” You laugh as you try to stand back up, face still entrapped by soft skin. “Wha-what?” She stammers, looking at you, much of which is buried in her cleavage. “Well I mean, call me old fashioned but…” She cuts you off by jumping on you, wrapping her legs around your torso. “NOOOOHHHH, THE WATER, LOOK!” She screams in fright. Barely managing to escape from the titty-trap, you look down into the water below, and gulp hard at what you see. Tyranids. Little ones.

“What is this, I don’t even…” But you are cut off as she grips you even harder, crushing you with her massive boobage. “I hate tyranids! Help me!” She cries, still gripping you hard. Unable to see, but not wanting to be submerged in a pool full of ‘nids, you do your best to start wading to shore. “Mphf mmphh smeeee” You mumble, mouth blocked. She stops panicking for a brief moment. “Huh?” She asks. It takes a bit of effort to wedge yourself further between her tits so you can clear your face and look up at her. “I can’t see.”

She must have realized now that she is naked, wet, and gripping you hard enough to give you a vivid feeling of her space communist parts. Either Tau girls don’t grow any hair down there, or this one shaves. Her face turns almost entirely purple, still, she doesn’t let go. “Just get me out of here…” She pleads. Well, it isn’t like you to deny a naked female clinging to you. Walking out is difficult, the bottom of the spring is full of rocks and sudden drop-offs. It doesn’t help that the little ‘nids have also started biting at you. “ow Ow OW!” You are running as fast as you can, head bouncing into breasts, as you try to escape the clutches of those annoying little fucks.

Your feet finally meet dry land and you dash up the slope as fast as you can, not sure whether or not the bugs are still giving chase. A root catches you and before you can react, you are falling. You twist mid-air, as it would be more than a little rude to break your fall with someone you just met. Your head hits hard and there is a ringing in your ears, but you are alive. “Ugghh.” Is all you manage to groan, rubbing at your temples. That is, until you realize there is something warm and wet grinding into your groin. The Tau girl is still on top of you, her pelvis right against yours. Your boxers are soaked right through and were thin to begin with, and you have some kind of fear-erection. Oh the heresy… She is trembling, hands gripping you at the shoulders tightly, breasts dangling inches above your face. Only you realize, she isn’t looking at you, but at something behind you. You crane your neck hard, which is painful after the fall, and see the soulless grin of a Hive Tyrant smiling at you from but yards away. …Acid dripping from what looks like some kind of pelvis-mounted bile cannon.

You snatch up your belt and tear open one of your pouches. Dumping the contents out quickly into a pile of snow five inches high. Without a word you flop your face down into it, snorting madly. “What are you doing!? Now isn’t the time to use that!” She screams at you, shaking you madly. You look up from the pile, your face blanketed with snow, much clinging to your day-old stubble. The Hive Tyrant closes in, and you think it’s actually laughing at you as it does so. It’s too late, your desperate bid failed you.

“Sorry babe, I really thought that would work.” You apologize to her, smiling sadly. Suddenly, the roar of a motorcycle. “IIII’MMMMM ONNNNNNNNN DRUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Doomrider, in all his flaming-headed glory, bursts from a hole in the warp, headed straight at the Hive Tyrant. Half a dozen daemonettes cling to him, with ahego faces as Doomrider’s twelve dicks please them all simultaneously. His bike flies at the Hive Tyrant, and Doomrider slams a bottle labeled “Secret stash” as he swings a massive chain axe at the same time.

The tyranid doesn’t have time to react as its head is lopped clean off. Just as quickly as he appeared, another warp hole opens and Doomrider sails into it in a flurry of white powder, needles, and semen. “STAY EXCELLENT!” He cackles madly before disappearing. The Tau girl’s face is frozen in a “what the fuck did I just see” stare. You almost lay back down until you hear a fury of scurrying claws from the tree line as three jeanstealers burst forth, charging at you. Grabbing the Tau’s hand as her eyes spin from the terror, you pull her into a run, barely managing to snatch up your sword and pistol as you do. Looking back you see the ‘nids eagerly devouring your clothes. They are getting closer to your hat. The Tau girl is barely conscious as she runs behind you. Your hat waves sadly back at you as a ‘nid moves in to eat it. “I’ll never forget you, Commissar-kun.”

You run with all the fury of Angron and the Angry Marines all rolled into one toward your beloved cap. A tyranid picks up the hat and smiles at the aspect of devouring such a glorious thing. “No, Hat-chan, nooooooo!!!!”

It’s impossible, there is no way you can make the shot from here. The distance is too great for even your mad laspistol skills. Also your madly jittering hands don’t help, but you feel ALIVE. Still, you take the shot, and it manages to hit. But the tyranid shrugs off the blow, it’s carapace saving it. You can only watch in horror as your beloved cap is devoured whole. “NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” You yell, crashing to your knees, your life suddenly empty.

A bolt of plasma cuts the ‘nid in half. With misted eyes you see the carcass spinning in the air, xeno guts and blood spraying every which way. But wait… No… It can’t be. “HAT-CHANNNNNN!!!!”

The Commissar hat leaves the genestealer body through the ex-back way, and sails to you. Covered in terrible things, yes, but intact. The Crisis battle suit crashes through the forest behind you, knocking trees aside. With a robot-like efficiency it obliterates the other two ‘nids. Unfortunately with less precision, vaporizing your clothes along with them.

“Nice shot blueberry!” You yell with a fist pump. The Crisis battle suit kicks the dirt, embarrassed. “Really, it was nothing….” The booming microphone says. You wash your beloved hat off in the hot spring, punting any little ‘nid that gets too close. Heavy stomping shakes the ground slightly as the suit walks up beside you and quickly dispatches the little swimming tyranids. “Hey, you going to climb out of that thing so I can dance in joy with you or what?” You ask, poking the leg of the suit. For a moment there is no response, but then the suit turns away from you. “The… The tyranids found my battle suit before I did…” You shrug, “So?” “Well… My clothes were gone.” She finally admits. An awkward moment is just about to pass when you hear the furious howls of yet more tyranids, having just found their kin shredded by plasma. “Time to go!” You shout, hopping up, before pausing. “I’m going to need a ride, there is no way we are outrunning them on foot.”

“Let me in, let me in, LET ME INNNN!!!” The tyranids screams are getting closer, and fast. The suit reels back. “B-b-but I’m… NAKED!” She protests, the suit shaking its head back and forth. “Now isn’t the time to be shy, you were smothering me with your love balloons earlier!” You yell as you search for some kind of exterior hatch-release. With a hiss the cockpit falls open, and the Tau girl sits there, covering her nether region with one hand and unsuccessfully attempting to cover her breasts with her other arm. Quickly you hop inside, the cockpit is cramped and alive with light. You don’t read Tau so you don’t know what any of it means though. The cockpit closes and re-starts it’s forward view screen. The Tau girl struggles to look around you, moving her head back and forth. She looks like she is torn between grabbing the controls and continuing to hide herself. “I can’t pilot like this.” She finally admits. You aren’t left with much of a choice. “Get up, hurry.” Without question she rises from her seat, her body pressing into yours. You swing around her as you assume the command seat. “All right, now sit down and get this yellow brick of death moving.” For a moment, nothing happens. “But I’m naked, and you are ALMOST naked!” She finally pleads. A tyranid leaps up onto the back of the suit and starts slashing at it furiously. “No time girl, let’s go!” You spin her around and yank her down onto your lap. Her ass engulfs your pelvis, and despite your best efforts, your little Inquisitor stands at attention, poking her in the cheek.

Not that she has time to think about that, as her hands fly over the controls and the suit lurches to life. You are smooshed by dat heretical ass even more as the suit flies upwards, tossing off the ‘nid. “There are too many, we are going to have to fight them off!” She yells. “Can you handle this many?” You ask, unsure really how many ‘nids are really out there, you cant see the screen, as it is blocked by epic side boob. “I can try.” She finally says as the suit crashes back down. The Tau girl swiftly moves the controls to avoid another warrior that leaps at the suit. The sudden motion causes both of you to shift hard in the seat, and you find suddenly that it has also disengaged the purity seal keeping you in, as it were. The Inquisitor ventures out, ready for exterminatus, as it slips into the crack. The feel of her still wet ass cleavage encompassing you is beyond words, Slaanesh himself jealous of your pleasure. There is an massive fight raging outside, but you are in your own little world now. Every dodge, every strike, causes her to shift around. You can only sit and praise the Emprah for your luck as her wet ass slides back and forth along your heavy bolter. “We’re going to have to hit the jump jets again!” She yells. Her ass is thrust down on you, making the most epic hot dog in the universe and awakening the great void dragon.

“In the Emprah’s name…” You whisper, convulsing with pleasure. You can’t hold it in. Bolter fire explodes on her ass. Your body shudders as her hips move on their own, grinding on your champion as he fires hot bursts of plasma into the canyon. “Hah, I finally got them all!” She yells in triumph, until her voice trails off. “What was that hard thing, and why is my butt wet Commissar?” She reaches a hand back and rubs her crack, then looks inquisitively at the white heresy on her hand. The Tau girl tilts her head slightly, before giving her fingers a curious lick.

“Oh man, I can’t actually believe that happened!” Nurlge belches and laughs madly from his throne. “Hey Tzeentch, hey? Was that “Just as planned?” I thought you hated this guy!” Tzeentch glowers in the corner, sulking.

"Its... Ah...Food. Guardsman custom for being saved, all yours blue." She gives you a quizzical look before shrugging. "It would be rude of me to deny custom, but do I have to eat it off of you though?" She asks, a bit hesitant at the thought. "Uh... Yeah... Traditions and all, you understand." The Tau girl pauses for a moment before turning around in the cramped cockpit and lowering her face to your groin. The High Inquisitor has taken a hit, lost a wound, but he stands back up in defiance, ready to blast the xeno. She begins to lick you, her soft tongue sliding across your thighs and shaft slowly, lapping up the heretical juices. You moan in ecstasy, and she looks up at you unsure. "All part of the ritual..." You assure her. She buys it, and lowers herself back down, brushing the hair out of her face. She pauses at your defiant champion as he madly waves his chainsword, before taking him in her mouth. "Praise the Emprah..." You mumble at the sensation. Her mouth is ridiculously warm, and her tongue swirls around you, hungrily cleaning you off. The Inquisitor feels the urge to exterminatus rising as the Tau takes more and more of him, eagerly now.

The second black crusade is rapidly approaching.

"FOR THE EMPRAH!!!" You shout as you bury your sword. The High Inquisitor gives the command, exterminatus. White hot fury erupts from the flagship, soaring into the foul xeno void. The Tau girl panics, eyes wide, and tries to pull away. You hold here there though, until the Inquisitor, mission accomplished, succumbs to his wounds and shrivels. When you finally let her go she coughs and then, unexpectedly, smiles. "Don't think I didn't know what you were up to, guardsman, but you did save me from those awful bugs." She manages, mouth full. You can hardly hear her from your position on the golden throne as you and the Emprah celebrate the day. "Thanks?"

She swallows. "I'm Ailia!" She finally adds cheerily.

"Max."

Thread 4: HERESY, HERESY EVERYWHERE

“So Ailia, any clue as to what is going on with this planet?” You ask, as the cockpit opens back up. The Tau girl shrugs as she wades into the hot spring once again to wash herself off, and you do the same. “My brother is the Commander, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. He’s too tough to die, though.” She says softly as water cascades down her hair. “As far as the human presence on this planet, the last time I knew anything was before the Orks started piling on the bodies.” You had hoped for a more optimistic answer, that perhaps some guard had slipped away and were holed up somewhere high and hard with some heavy armor. It’s depressing to think that everyone you knew in the guard, all of your friends, are dead. The two of you spend the next hour or so in idle chit chat, Ailia always keeping an eye out for more ‘nids. You get another face full as she leaps back onto you, a stick having floated by and nudged her in the back. “I’ve got to go try to link back up with my brother, he will be wondering what’s taken me so long…” She finally declares, doing her best to shake herself dry. “Here.” Ailia says, holding out her personal communicator. “Let’s exchange numbers!” The Tau girl says with a sincere smile. You hold out your own after digging it out of one of your belt pouches.

“H-hey, I’ve never done this before…” “Don’t worry, I’m experienced, I’ll be gentle.” “Wow, your encryption is so huge! I don’t think it’s going to fit!” “Relax babe, just enjoy the connection.” “Ahh! No! It-its too much!” “Hold on, here comes my data! I’m uploading!!!” “Hahhh! Your data, its filling me up!” “Take all of my packets you dirty bitch!”

• beep*

-Contact added-

“Cool, now I can give you a call after I find my brother and figure out what’s going on!” Ailia sticks her own device back inside the battle suit, before climbing back inside. “Wait, your leaving?” You ask, again unhappy at the thought of being alone again. “Sorry Max, but I’ll call you again for sure.” Ailia smiles. “And maybe next time I’ll show you some Tau customs…” She continues slyly. You watch sadly as the Crisis battle suit fades into the distance, a cold breeze rustling your jimmies. It’s not too far of a trek back to the armory, and you change into some new Commissar digs when you get there. You keep the same hat though. Sitting down, you snack on a ration as you ponder what to do next.

Trolling

"I've been taking it too easy on you guys I see...... HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEH UEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHU EHUE"

- Papa-N, on Anon thinking the rape train has brakes

PROMOTIONS

"We purge with righteous zeal!" Her flamer crackles to life, and you have not time to dodge, or do anything really, before the barrel is staring you in the face. You never thought you would go out like this, a choppa to the face maybe, but not a Sorita making guardsman toast. The jet of fire engulfs you, the white hot heat searing away your flesh from bone. The pain is excruciating as you are roasted alive. You try to scream, but nothing emerges as liquid flame pours into your lungs. Your body falls to the ground, charred and broken. Your last thoughts are of home…

---

"Give me that spear, xeno wench!" You roar furiously, snatching it out of her hand. "It's on like orky-kong you over sized worm!" You run full tilt toward Ra'alman, who again opens his mouth. You are mere feet away when the beast lurches forward unexpectedly, closing its gigantic maw down on you.

The teeth shred you to ribbons instantly.

---

"I... I'm shrinking?!" You stutter as your body slowly loses mass. And even more terrifying, your "heavy bolter" starts to shrink as well. "What the fuck is going on?!" You shout, but your voice has grown meek, quieter... ...Girlish...

Your world goes dark for a moment, but then recovers. Only you're not on a beach anymore. You are bent over, chained across a bed.

Your new vagina completely exposed...

"HUEHUEHUEHUEHEUEHEHEHEHEHEUHEUHEHEUHE BR BR BR BR BR BR!!!!!" Oh god, that is worse than a thousand of Ra'alman's screams.

The noise marine walks up to your face... ...and flops out his gnarled, purple, studded manhood...

"BRBRBRBRBRBRBR!!!!!!!" The noise marine's insane ramblings grow ever faster and louder as he presses the tip of his daemon to your virgin lips. Another chaos marine, this one sprouting with wriggling green tentacles, moves behind you, ready to taint your purity seal...

"Oh thank the Empruh, help me Lycheria!" Seeing her raises your hopes, she can surely get you out of here. All hopes are dashed as she unzips her corset...

...And a massive emperor's champion falls out, dangling inches from your ass...

"Noo, you can't put it in there, that spot is EXTRA HERESY!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Will Maxima be brutally anal raped by a futa sister of battle and her brazillian noise marine cronies? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BALL ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

---

"You're on your own, skank!" You snatch up your gear and jump to your feet, breaking into a sprint. "Wait, please don't go!" She pleads as the Hive Tyrant rushes in at her. You run as fast as your legs can carry you, looking back over your shoulder. The Hive Tyrant has busied itself introducing her xeno bits to it's epic gun wang, while at the same time chewing off her left arm. "Its not your fight Max, its not your fight." You try to reassure yourself as you feel your soul leave you in disgust.

You slow down to catch your breath, the screams of the Tau girl gone now, having grown ever more quiet as the life faded from her. You collapse of exhaustion, tears streaking down your face as you realize what it is you really just did. With a shaking hand you raise your laspistol to your own head. "See you later, space cowboy..."

• BLAM*

---

And that's when she stands back up. Revealing her 24" twisted xeno plasma cannon. "Hey, that's a pretty cool gun! Mind if I hold it?" "Sure!" She replies happily, flopping it down on your hand. "Whoa, its warm." "Wait! Don't play with it so much or it might go off!!!" You don't hear her as you stroke and fondle the alien cannon. "No! Stop! ...Ah!?" The cannon explodes in your hands, covering you in sticky blue plasma. "Cool. I wonder how it tastes?" You remark as you lick the tip of the barrel. "Oh, this plasma tastes really good!" She's squirming as you continue to fondle the cannon. "W-well if you want some more, reload it." "How do I do that?" You ask with another lick of the barrel. "First you have to cock it." "Later, maybe..." You shrug, setting down the still toasty plasma gun behind you. "For now, let me give you another taste of MY plasma." Ailia opens her mouth, sticking out her tongue. "Guess again, xeno slut." You spin her around, revealing both her heresies to your throbbing power sword. Which one will you purge? "You shall feel the hot wrath of my blade." You lower the titan's cannon toward her eye of terror. "No! That hole isn't for the greater good!" She struggles in vain as your ship steadies itself, preparing to enter the breach of the warp. But before you can press forward into her dark heresy, a baneblade pops up from underneath one of the instrument panels. The barrel turns to you and obliterates the Crisis battle suit from the inside out.

"CCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!"

No!

Even TACTICAL GENIUS isn't going to stop you. "I must purge the heretics!" You cry. "No, Max, you are the heretics." And then Max was a chaos primarch.

"For SLAANESH!!!" You howl as you press forward with your seventeen penises. "There is no way those will fit! Stop! NOOOO!" Its too late, you thrust forward and drive them home, feeling the warp overtaking you. Your monster dicks shoot out and invade every greater good this xeno fuck toy has to offer.

You focus the warp and pull Lychria and Esh to you through it. "By the Emperor, what heresy is this!" "Oi! Mon-keigh, whats the big... By Uthwe NO!" You remove enough of your squirming daemon princes to be able to violate both of them. "So many holes, I WANT THEM ALL!"

You fill every available hole in your prayer of obscene pleasure to your new god. The three girls struggle, but there is no escape. And there are no brakes on the rape train. Your purple, bumpy, throbbing dicks violate them in their tight pink purity seals, their wet pleasure caves, and their protesting mouths. You start to climax. Unfortunately for them, when a Slaanesh daemon of your magnitude cums, they can keep it up for several decades if they so desire. Purple daemon-batter floods out of every hole and the three struggling girls suddenly go slack against their penis-bonds, unable to escape.

"And so that's why, idiot mon-keigh, nothing will ever happen between us!" Esh yells before hanging up.

What in the actual fuck did you just hear that tsunseer describe?

...As your ship exits the field you fire up your comunicatus devices.

"Tzeentch, heed my call." For a moment, silence. But then...

"I'm busy right now, GO AWAY!" You notice, just before the feed cuts out, that she is busily fingerbanging herself... ...To a picture of none other than the Emprah himself.

---

It's double rape time.

You realize you are covered in some kind of thick liquid that seems to be dripping out of your every.... DEAR EMPRAH NO! Your eyes fly open entirely, as you realize exactly what is happening.

---

Original Threads

Thread I: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17067317

Thread II: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17073735

Thread III: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17095883

Thread IV: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17116254

Thread V: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17168467

Thread VI: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17191456

Thread VII: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17215659

Thread VIII: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17248917

Thread IX: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17270982

Thread IX - OVERTIME: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17274776

Thread X (ongoing): http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17315227

Thread X - OVERTIME: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17318585/

Gallery

• 
  The Dice Gods show their appreciation of Max once again
• 
  Oh, Dice Gods, you so crazy