The Toilets of the 41st Millennium

The following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.

A while back, an industrious writefag made up some pretty funny descriptions for what toilets would be like in the Warhammer 40k universe.

Great Toilet Stalls of the Astartes Legions

The Dark Angels - Only the Inner Circle knows where it is.

White Scars - Mounted on the weapons platform of an attack bike.

Space Wolves - A fire hydrant sorrounded with dog biscuits.

Imperial Fists - Is horribly uncomfortable, because the Emperor is probably fairly uncomfortable on his throne.

Blood Angels - When on the toilet, one may be overcome by The Brown Rage.

Iron Hands - Toilet may in fact be a sleeping tech-marine.

Ultramarines - Immaculate and clean, everyone hates them for this reason.

Crimson Fists - In short supply from the ork assault on Rynn's World.

Salamanders - Well made, efficient and beloved by the people. The only fault one can find is the use of lava when flushing.

Raven Guard - Cannot be flushed as Corax himself mandated only he could do away with what was done as it is his responsibility.

Black Templar - Fairly difficult to use, because every time you do something in it, the fucking thing rushes at you.

Adeptus Custodes - Eternally waiting for the Emperor to get finished using it.

Blood Ravens - Still looking for theirs. They happen to have one that just covers waste in dust, though.

Angry Marines - Have no use for a toilet as they, in fact, shit plasma grenades.

Bone Dragons- Relatively normal, but after you use it, you get hard. And I'm not talking about a boner.

Minotaurs - Shit really fast in enemy toilets before running away.

Lamenters - Perfectly fine until they try to flush...

Pretty Marines- Pretty Marines shit rose petals and piss liquid gold. Thus, no toilets. But if there WERE Pretty Marine toilets, they'd match the drapes and be embossed with beautiful diamonds and rubies and silver penises.

Accursed Toilets of the Chaos Space Marines

Even Chaos needs some "me" time.

Emperor's Children - Everyone takes it in turns being the toilet.

Iron Warriors - Difficult to get to with all the razorwire and trenches, may turn out to have merely been a decoy with no actual toilet in there.

Night Lords - Stall walls are covered in horrible graffiti art, toilet constantly screams.

Legion of the Damned (Not really a chaos chapter) - Appears before you, but only if you have to go Number 3.

World Eaters - Mostly destroyed when figuring out how to flush the toilets enraged the berserkers.

Death Guard - Trust me, you don't wanna use them.

Thousand Sons - When flushed, waste is merely covered in dust.

Red Corsairs - Toilets are stolen from loyalist stalls.

Black Legion - No toilets of their own, constantly trying to use the ones on Cadia.

Word Bearers - Fairly normal aside from the hymns playing in the stall speakers, until you realize it's out of paper and must ask the dark gods for some.

Alpha Legion - Any toilet may in fact be an Alpha Legion toilet.

Other Toilets of the Imperium

Imperial Guard - Each Guardsman is equipped with a chamberpot. Soldiers who fail to recite the Litany of Smooth Passage while using their chamberpot will be shot by the commissar. Company and regimental stalls compress the waste into tightly packed, high density shells and then fires them at the enemy via rear-mounted cannon. Earthshakers aren't called earthshakers for nothing.

Catachans - Don't need them, too busy flinging their waste at the enemy in the first place.

Tanith - Appears without warning when you need to take a shit, and is gone by the time you've finished pulling your pants up.

Colonel-Commissar Commissar Gaunt discovers an STC capable of producing flush toilets but destroys it, correctly perceiving that it has been tainted by Chaos for no clear reason.

Valhallan 597th - Appears normal, but the cleanest, most efficient, and best-looking stall is conspicuously hidden behind the rest, next to the nastiest stall in the Imperium. Also, all their seats are made of ice.

Mordian Iron Guard - Every Guardsman has his own toilet, and shits in perfect sync with the rest of the unit.

Creed has never been witnessed going to the bathroom, but somehow his turds keep showing up in other people's toilets. CREEEEEEEEEED!

Inqusitorial Toiletry

Daemonhunters - The best toilets in the Imperium, capable of flushing any amount of waste with impossible ease. Unfortunately, they are highly expensive and after you use them, there's a possibility of mind scrubbing or summary execution.

Witchhunters - PURGE YOUR WASTE WITH HOLY PROMETHIUM IN THE NAME OF THE EMPEROR!

Foul Toilets of the Xenos

Eldar Toiletry

Eldar toilets, coupled with a diet of cheese and spicy foods, are designed to make shitting as uncomfortable as possible. Rumor has it that Eldrad Ulthran designed the currently used forms.

Ulthwe - All toilets teleport their waste through the webway to preset points in space and time, causing little bits of Eldar shit to land atop your helmet at just the wrong moment. Just as planned.

Saim-Hann - Screams around at insane speeds throughout the craftworld, allowing the user to engage in flying joust matches of doom while relieving himself.

Dark Eldar - ...do you really want to stick an exposed part of your body inside something made by the Dark Eldar?

Tau Toiletry

Tau - Each caste has its own specific type of toilet.

The Fire Caste's toilets are optional wargear for their battlesuits.

The Earth Caste install toilets right into their worker drones, in case they need to pinch a loaf while designing said battlesuit.

The Air Caste simply shit into long vials (their long, slender bodies produce long, slender shits) and use them as bombs in air raids.

The Water Caste will simply fashion a toilet out of the bodies of the Imperial diplomats that declare war on them.

The Ethereals have evolved to the point where they shit morale in its purest, sweetest form. And they don't even need to wipe afterward!

Kroot - Quietly spread throughout the galaxy to every species. With every subsequent flush, the toilet becomes more and more adapted to handling that species' shit.

Farsight Enclave - Of the highest caliber technology, but only one is allowed per 3 battalions. His toilets are also cracked, dirty and fixed many times. They're also very low and tell the user that he "needs to shorten his reach." Also, they are either glowing with ungodly energies or not.

Gue'vasa - Tau give port-o-potties to human settlements as to encourage joining the Greater Good. They're so helpful they even wipe for you. The disinfectant it sprays afterwords, however, renders you sterile and then tags you to be escorted to a work camp.

Other assorted plumbing

Ork terlit

Ork - Painted red. Has a mounted Big Shoota and Bigga Choppa in case there's a line and the other Boyz are getting impatient. It only flushes because they truly believe it has a plumbing system. In some cases, however, Orky toilets are actually a sneaky grot trick to loot your arse.

Necron - Ever wonder what those Monoliths were originally designed for? Effects vary depending on which C'tan:

Void Dragon's - leaves you with a robotic ass and no need to ever crap again.

The Deceiver's - The best toilet in the universe, but it flushes backwards.

Tyranid Bio-toilets - Actually a subspecies of Gaunt.

Squats - They're short, wide and full of beer, but no one believes they exist anymore.