Twilight

Twilight is a fucking gay four-book trilogy made by a bitch named Stephanie Meyer. Twilight is the next level of obnoxious fangirl faggotry, after the Harry Potter series.

Plot Synopsis

Basically a Mary Sue named Bella gets saved from a car crash by Edward, who is also a Marty Stu and looks all gothy and shit. After half a book of plodding romantic crap, we learn that he's a vampire (as though the sunken eyes and pale skin weren't a massive tipoff). But it's okay -- him and his family are vegetarian vampries, they don't drink blood. Oh, and sunlight doesn't kill them, it makes them sparkle like Tinkerbell on a six-coffee bender.

Most of the of the "action" of each book revolves around Bella being saved by her hot sexy bloodsucking boyfriend and ends in a "twist" that can best be summed up as;

I'm gonna die a horrible death during childbirth, and my kid's gonna look like a hellspawn all because I fucked a vampire. Oh hold the phone-- it's ok, he's going to turn me into a vampire too, and mystical vampire magic will heal my spine so I can frolic through the forest in heels and a cocktail dress while my werewolf ex-boyfriend tries to fuck my baby hellspawn daughter.

Reader's Digest Versions

"Twilight" in a nutshell: Bloo hoo, I'm a maverick girl who's all alone because the other girls are bitches. Whoa! Spooky guy stopped a car with his bare hands! "Stay away from me, I'm (hand to forehead) not what I seem to be," says spooky boy. He's a vampire, but a totally non-threatening one, unless he gets aroused then he says he'll rip my head off and fuck the stump, but I find that even more alluring. Oh noes! Some eeeeevil vampires want to kill Edward, so they're going to kidnap my mom... who abandoned me to travel the world with her new husband, so naturally I love her enough to sacrifice my life. Double oh noes! The evil vampire bit me! Here comes Edward to save the day, and to suck the poison out so I won't become a vampire. Now I want to take him to the Prom! Hey! Hey Edward! Can I be a vampire too? "I am a ninety-year old man, you're a sixteen year old little girl, yet somehow I feel you are my soul-mate, my peer, my equal... so, no, you can't join our club."

"New Moon" in a nutshell: "I love you so much that I'm never going to talk to you again, and I'm going to force my whole family to move with me to Italy," says sparkleboy. "Bloo hoo hoo," says protagonist, "I'm so alone." "Hey let's be friends," says new guy, "I'm in a gang, I'm a bad boy, and I'm gonna be a total cunttease by keeping things platonic." "You killed my husband in the first book!" says crazy-ass grief-stricken vampire. "Uh, no, that was Edward, and he broke up with me and left for Italy," says protagonist in a moment of clarity. "I'll save you!" says new guy, "by stopping the car with my vampire powers stopping the psycho with my werewolf powers." "(wet)" says protagonist's vagina. Meanwhile: "Oh no, crazy-ass vampire killed Bella," says sparkleboy, "time to finally earn my emo-kid diploma and kill myself." "Stop!" says protagonist and sparklesister. Then the Italian vampire mafia shows up; "either you break up with protagonist, or make her a vampire, or she sleeps with the fishes, capiche?" "Let's all go back to white-trash America instead of living here in beautiful Rome," says protagonist, and they did.

"Eclpise" in a nutshell: Vampires and Werewolves are natural enemies, just like in World of Darkness the movie Underworld real life. Both Edward the vampy and Jacob the furry want to bone Bella (despite the fact that sex with either of them would MAIM or KILL her). Rivalry ensues. Psycho-bitch vamp from book two bites a shitload of NPCs to make n00b vampires to beat up Edward for killing her husband, and Bella for no good goddamn reason. Jacob's gang and Edward's family overcome their differences, their raid of level 80 monsters takes on Victoria's party of level 2 mooks in a battle so epic it didn't even get written on the bookjacket. At the end of the book Bella choo-choo-chooses Edward and they plan to get married.

"Breaking SpinesDawn" in a nutshell: In Mormon America, nobody has sex before marriage, but we're marred now, so let's fuck. "Oh, sorry Bella, I kinda beat you bloody and bruised while we were having sex." "That's okay, momma told me it hurts the first time and I'm gonna bleed a little -- let's do it again, but this time could you keep from knocking me unconscious?" "It's okay baby, it ain't rape because we're married." "Oh shit, I'm pregnant." "That baby is half-vampire, it's gonna mess you up Bella." "No! Pro-life is an proper Mormon American value, I'm going to keep this baby even if I'm gonna die a horrible death during childbirth, and my kid's gonna look like a hellspawn" "Hi momma! I love you and poppa and since I'm a dhampir I thought I'd grow to full size in just weeks, kick hard enough to break your ribs and spine -- and oh hell, your pussy isn't going to have time to dilate so is it okay if I just leave by tearing my way out through your abdomen?" "As your father, I have to say that's a bad idea -- let me use my vampire fangs to rip momma's vag a c-section large enough for you to get out." "Hi again, I'm Bella's ex-boyfriend Jacob, did you know that werewolves imprint on some girls just like baby ducks imprint on their momma? I just know that mewling placenta covered-infant daughter of yours is my one and only soul-mate and girlfriend. Have you met my cousin Pedowerebear?" "Edward, honey, I'm glad you finally made me a vampire after I asked you to in book one, and it means I didn't die, but couldn't you HAVE DONE IT BEFORE OUR BABY LAWN-MOWERED ME FROM THE INSIDE OUT?" "Oi youse, we're da Vampire Mafia, didn't we tell you ta break up wit' her iffen ain't gonna make her a vampire?" "But she is." "Oh. Wait. That baby a' youse, ain't dat da chosen immortal one what will bring balance to da force?" "No, and all these vampire celebrities we've never seen before can swear that she isn't." "Oh, well, dat's awright den, youse kids have fun!" "Oh Edward, now we're both immortal vampires, I love you, you love me, and I can have married sex without looking like I belong in a women's shelter." "You guys, uh, need a babysitter?" "Fuck off, Jacob."

MOVEASE

On November 20th 2009 New Moon will be coming out. That's right folks, more vampire hell is coming...oh wait this time they're screwing with werewolves. Yup. They are going to take the awesome war between vampires and werewolves and fill it with goddammed Mary Sues. And Bella is probly gonna get filled with werewolf humpjuice. She'll get pregnant and and start shootin' babies like a cannon.

Did we mention it's swamped with Mary Sues?

In conclusion:

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGEEEEEE

External Links

• Bum Reviews on Twilight.
• Stephanie Meyer sucks. Stephen King agreed, don't argue about it.

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  Not even Japan is safe.
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  Sir Stephen, King of Trolls.
• Bella giving birth to a beautiful baby boy! ^-^
  Bella giving birth to a beautiful baby boy! ^-^
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  Know the difference, it could save your life.
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• If you look at this picture, you've basically read the book.
  If you look at this picture, you've basically read the book.
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  This is the REAL reason why we hate the book