Assholetep
"An aeons old automaton king... with the petulant impatience and obnoxious tantrums of a 7 year old child."
+++ Imperial Star Charts name this world the Tomb World of the Necron Lord, Assholetep the Insufferable.
RECOMMENDATION: Avoid at all costs. Assholetep is easier to insult than a catty gay hipster at a costume party on Halloween where like 3 other gay men dressed as the same obscure superhero that you never heard of.
Below are a collection of anecdotes pertaining to the many misdeeds and tantrums of Assholetep the Insufferable.
>Wake up
>Orks looted his favorite Staff of Light
>Teleport entire Tombworld's forces to fight massive Waaagh three sectors over
>IG happen to be fighting the Orks
>Help them
>At victory party
>Planetary-Governor doesn't compliment his new cloak
>Entire sub-sector devoid of all life the next week
>Fighting Tyranids
>Rippers won't let him keep them as pets
>To this day, nobody knows what has been cutting a bloody path through Hive Fleet Kraken
>It's his birthday
>The Feudal World that hasn't had contact from space in thousands of years forgot
>Entire population butchered
>Flayed Ones dance around in rotting flesh and party hats
>At victory Banquet after fending off Hive Fleet Gorgon at Ka'mais
>Nobody lets him ride in a Crisis Suit
>MFW we know the real reason for the Harvest of Ka'mais
>Helps IG fight Chaos for rule over a planet
>Weeks into the campaign
>Lord Commissar mispronounces his name
>The Deamon Prince Valshar now rules over Ciruck IV
>Gives Arch-Magos new shiny Necrodermis body
>Becomes most trusted advisor
>Years later
>Forgets to polish his Res Orb for him
>Magos is melted down and turned into Scarabs. The forgeworld where he grew up is obliterated
>Admech find Assholehotep in stasis
>Praise him and write legends about him
>Thousands of years later they forget
>He finds records when he wakes up
>They haven't edited his page on Admechpedia in 12000 years
>All forgeworlds in the next five sectors melted to a molten goo
>hive world is under attack by nids
>he sees the world being demolished and decides to help
>after a month of hard combat the nids are all eradicated
>the citizens thank the lord and ask what he would like in return
>he asks for a solid gold statue of himself errected in the center of the major city
>they comply
>he inspects the work and finds a 5% impurity of silver in the statue
>the hive world is now a dead world.
>Assholehotep helping a Forgeworld
>One of their Titans steps on a single Scarab
>"What do mean an entire Titan Legion was eaten by bugs"?
>His Tomb Ships assist a fleet based Chapter fight of some Eldar Pirates
>Battle Barge cuts in front of them by accident
>The Space Hawk Chapter no longer exists
>Harvesting residents of a local Feral World
>Hears Feral Child has insulted him
>Entire human population besides the child is killed
>The last image of a sentient creature the child sees is Assholehotep mooning him
>angry marines and asholehotept's destroyers get into an arguing match over who killed the most tau
>it was a tie
>they proceeded to go to the next world to try to break the tie
>the whole sector was fucked
>Assholehotep is one of the few remaining Lords wearing the original attire
>Always made fun of
>Goes around blowing up other sleeping Tomb Worlds out of spite
>Whispers "Faggots" under his breath every time
>Assholehotep meets with some Admech
>They compliment him on his wonderful Particle Whip
>Entire Admech presence in five sectors destroyed since they confused his Staff of Light for a Particle Whip
>all hot women in a one light year radius suddenly absent from their homes
>sweet millions-strong rave party on Assholetep's tomb world
>Assholetep tries to score with the hottest chick at the party
>she points out he doesn't have a penis
>thus did the Great Raveocaust begin
>Assholetep meets Angron sometime during the 30,000s
>Both end up severely pissing the other off
>Angron goes on to fuck up Armageddon's shit and thus starting a game of one upsmanship
>Angron returns from the warp after one hundred years of being trapped in it, only to find Assholetep waiting for him
>Angron is still unable to return from the warp.
>Cegorachian Eldar pull a prank on Assholetep and cause him to sit on a whoopie cushion
>Ten days later the population of Cegorach's worshippers drops by 90% due to Necron related causes
>Dark Eldar try to settle outside of Commoragh and bump into Assholetep
>Assholetep wants them to compliment his new set of spikes
>Dark Eldar call him not spiky enough
>Ever since then the Dark Eldar have never tried to settle outside of Comorragh again
"Hey, Assholethep what are you doing with that tachyon arrow."
"Just trying something. Watch."
And so Assholethep shot the tachyon arrow way into the past and into the Emperor's back, who had just finished Horus off without a scratch and would have led humanity into a new and golden age of prosperity.
What an asshole.