Don Jorge Antino Martin Velasco-Cabrales

Don Jorge Antino Martin Velasco-Cabrales

A man made of win and awesome, Don Jorge Antino Martin Velasco-Cabrales, or Don J A M V-C for short, is the only thing of value to come out of mexico since Zorro. In fact, it has been suggested that Don J A M V-C is Zorro reincarnated. Skilled with blades, the man blew up The Night Train. He escaped, managed to decapitate several vampires, save a fair senorita, and ride off into the sunrise with her sitting side-saddle in his lap.

And once, he said, with a straight face: "Hush now, my dove. You have a man with you now, and I will do the thinking for both of us."

Truly this man is the stuff of legends.

The player controlling the character is also known as the only respectable LARPer of his generation.

"I got involved in a LARP a while ago, and brought the guy back as a crazed Hispanic paladin. It seemed necessary, as everyone was playing brooding, selfish antiheroes or outright villains. I know LARP isn't particularly well-regarded 'round these parts, but if bursting out of the bushes screaming "for JUSTICE" in an outrageous accent and saving some 14-year-old from orcs is wrong, I don't wanna be right."

"Ok, so.

I'd done some work for the LARP before I made my character, so I got a random draw from a table. Could be some money or potions, could be a magic item if I get really lucky.

Draw max, get +2 damage sword. +3 being plot-relevant-artifacts and so forth. Clearly, I bear the blade of my Grandfather!

But, tragedy looms! All magic items are temporary unless replenished, and the magic of my family's blade will soon fade!

I inquire! It seems a merchant may be able to help me, a slender elven lady whose grace is matched only by her avarice! She has the magic I need to preserve the Blade of Velasco... but how am I to afford it? I care nothing for money, and give all the coin I find to the first needy beggar or winsome wench I come across! Clearly, saving up is not an option.

First, I make an appointment to meet her for business in the tavern at the next month's gathering. Then, I rally my friends. I convince them to aid me, provide them with costuming, outline the plan, practice, practice.

The next gathering, she sits waiting at a table in the center of the tavern. Around her, men are boasting, women are flirting. She sighs. Where is the noble Don Jorge Antino Martin Velasco-Cabrales, who promised not to leave her lonely here?

In I stride, my two amigos at my back! They are dressed as orcish mariachis, in sombreros, green, tusks, and ponchos. One bears a guitar, the other maracas.

She regards me suspiciously. "Do you have the money?" she inquires.

"Ah, senorita, money, money, dinero, dinero, it obsesses you so! Tell me, what use is money, if it cannot buy.... amor?"

That is the cue. I leap onto the table, my mariachis begin to play, and I sing "Can't Buy Me Love" in Spanish. With dancing, and pelvic thrusts.

(I don't speak Spanish. I'd had to laboriously translate and memorize the whole thing.)

End result: the tavern erupts in applause, I receive the magic my family's honor requires, the lady blushes crimson, and her archmage boyfriend flips his shit and tries to kill me for serenading his paramour in March, the elven mating season."