Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer
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The standard book carried by ALL Imperial Guardsmen. The book, like the steel balls, is standard issue to all recruits. Failure to present it upon request may result in getting shot. There is even a page with a small white square on it, and if said square is in any way defiled or marked then the owner would be immediately and thoroughly executed. This Book basically tells the infantryman that his weapons are the best in the universe and WILL kill anything with ONE shot. (Guardsman charges a Chaos Space Marine, firing full-auto. The guardsman watches his lasfire harmlessly patter off the cursed armor, as he stops just 3 feet from the 10 ft. tall killing machine. The Chaos Marine reaches out... and grabs the poor Guardsman, and pops his skull like a egg and throws his body to the ground... BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!!!!!!! the Fallen Marine roars and runs off to kill more Slaves of the Corpse God...... As another Guardsman watches. "Damn!! Steve just got PAW3D!!!!" The Gaurdsman still wins by way of 2 ton steel nuts.) It also tells such helpful things like Eldar Shurikens being unable to penetrate Flak armor (total lie), Orks being small and stupid (bigger lie), or most hilariously; Genestealers being slow and sluggish (tell that to all the dead terminator armored space marines.)
Actual Contents of Value
Despite much of the above (and a lot of what the above lists is not exaggeration), the Primer actually has a great deal of genuinely useful information in it. Included useful segments include:
- Numerous prayers and hymnals to the God-Emperor of Mankind
- Numerous bits of insight on tactics, weapon analysis, and how to keep oneself sane in a given war. Included are segments from the Tactica Imperium, information on how to set frag grenades as booby-traps, how to operate, maintain, and modify lasguns, and numerous bits of information explaining why it's so important that the Imperium of Man send millions to die all across the Segmentum Solar (tactical importance of the current campaign in terms that the grunts can understand, so they fight with more clarity of purpose)
- Why the Commissar is there to help you and not simply execute your ass to be a dick (mileage may vary)
- Helpful suggestions on how to impress the aforementioned Commissar with suicidally-brave acts of heroism
- Why the ruinous powers are bad and why you should put your faith in the Emprah.
- Correct ways to conduct fieldcraft and trench warfare
- Information on demolition and sabotage tasks when attacking xeno equipment
- Why the dreaded space communists are bad and eat babies
- Why the Eldar are untrustworthy fucks
- Why you should play DoWpro if you remotely enjoyed Dawn of War
- Why leading by example is important (I.E. how to grow the Guardsman standard-issue stainless steel balls)