The Silmarillion
 This page is in need of cleanup. Srsly. It's a fucking mess. |
>
A Book written by JRR Tolkien over his life to explain the history of Arda (the name of the world of the Lord of the Rings, Middle Earth technically only refers to part of it), from the creation of the world to the events of Lord of the Rings. It was published posthumously by his son Christopher.
In A Nutshell
- Music Construction Set
Number-one god Iluvatar (Elvish for 'all-father') wants music and creates a choir of Ainur angels to be a cosmic music streaming service. One of the angels named Melkor goes diva and starts making music in a solo project. Some of the other angels dig it, but this messes up rehearsal for the rest, and big dad has to rein in Melkor and get him back on track. This happens three times before Illuvatar says practice is over and shows the angels Eä (literally 'let it be'), the world that is, and asks if anyone in band wants to go on a field trip. The angels that do go to Eä get a physical form to wear while on the trip, the sophmores as Valar and the freshmen as Maiar. Melkor went along, but was still being a total drama queen, and every time the Ainur were getting things set up to play the Sims with elves and men, Melkor was "no we're gonna play shooters you fags" and wrecked their shit. This goes on for a few thousand years, with Melkor convincing some of the Ainur that FPSes are great and they should be playing Halo or Gears Of War.
Thinking that the game had little content, the Valar Aulë made a mod for Dwarves. However, as Iluvatar wanted to actually sell more of his content, Aulë was banned from running his mod until the Valar had installed the upcoming Sims: Elves Edition. Fortunately, he was a pretty bro developer like that, and included semi-official support packs in Elves Edition to help the Valar run Dwarf.
- Bejewelled
The Valar that still wanted to play the Sims got sick of Melkor's shit after he destroyed the two lights they were using to keep Arda (the Earth) from being shades of grey with chest-high walls. These lamps blew up when Melkor knocked them over, and split the formerly continuous landmass into three separate continents. So they went to Aman (the western continent), built two trees to be the lights, and got to work. Eventually they got the DLC for stars, and managed to install Sims: Elves Edition. Melkor was "finally! mobs I can grind for experience!" but the Valar beat him down and brought him back as a captive. Elves were installed in Middle Earth (the central continent), and ported over to Aman in what was later to be dubbed "worst idea ever".
The Elves were working out really well, and levelled up their crafting skills huge. Feanor, an elf king, made three awesome jewels called the Silmarils that glowed just like the two trees used to light up the place. The minute Melkor's ban was over, he posted an apology to /v/alar and asked if he could see what they were working on. He immediately DDoSed the two trees, killing them, and stole the Silmarils and fucked off to Middle-Earth to raid the elves there. He got pwned, and holed up in the roguelike dungeon Angband.
Feanor was fukkin pissed, so much he couldn't type straight and kept calling Melkor "Morgoth." He was so pissed he picked fights with any other elf kingdoms that offered to help. He travelled to Middle-Earth, played Angband over and over again trying to get his light-jewels back, and got himself killed (it's a roguelike, duh). His elf kingdom stayed there, besieging and playing Angband for 400 years until Morgoth said "enough already!" and got those damn kids off his front lawn.
Meanwhile, back in Aman, the Valar hastily installed a 3rd-party 'Sun & Moon' patch to make up for the destroyed light-trees. 'Sun' only works half the time, but it's better than nothing and the Silmaril backups got stolen so what're you gonna do? They also bought the 'Sims: Men Expansion' DLC at the same time, and installed it too.
Some of the Men NPCs got into playing Angband. One of them, named Beren, started a romance with an elf king's daughter Luthien. Elf-dad was a racist shit, but that would look bad, so he said "sure you can date my daughter, IF you can finish a run of Angband by bringing a Silmaril jewel back to level zero." Beren and Luthie played together, almost got Dark-Souls'd by a Maiar acting as a boss-monster NPC named Sauron, but managed to pull it off. The wedding was on a Tuesday, but afterwards Beren got ganked, and later Luthien became an hero... but then they came back and lived until they died a second time.
The rest of the elves were pretty sure that a Man and an Elf playing together was some kind of exploit, so they stopped being racist and started playing in teams, even getting Dwarves (when did they arrive?) in on the teams. Unfortunately, Melkor was able to appeal to the inherent LOL RANDUMB of Men and got them to do stupid shit like playing huntards and wiping with Leeroy Jenkins bullshit. Still, not every Man was an idiot, some had high DPS or knew how to tank, so the elves didn't go back to being totally racist.
Blah blah a Man named Turin leaves home, blah blah defeats the dragon Summer Glaurung, totally not his fault he killed his best friend, totally not his fault he knocks up his best bud's sister, when they both find out they become an heroic pair.
Bro-tier Man named Tuon weds a hot elf shortie named Idril, and founds the Middle-Earth version of Seattle, which is where the elves move to after the Angband MMO servers shut down and they lost all their kingdoms. Tuon and Idril's kid Earwig ends up dating Beren & Luthie's kid Elwing. Elwing brings the one loose Silmaril as an engagement gift, and Earwig uses it to travel across the ocean to the western continent to make a "modz plz halp" appeal to the Valar. The Valar wake up, check out Angband, and ban the fuck out of Melkor again. Earwig comes back and has celebration nookie with Elwing. Since they're both half-elves their kids should've been half-elves too, but fucking EA and their Sims glitches, the kids had to choose one or the other. Little Elrond chose to be full elf, though he's still called "Elrond Half-Elven". Little Elros chose to be full man, but he still managed to live to 500 years old with haxx.
- Civilization
On the way back home from wrecking Melkor's shit, the Valar were impressed with three kingdoms of Men who joined the bro-quest to help elves, and gave them an island to play Numenor on, and let them start the game as Dunedain with plenty of starting tech and every unit constructed starts with elite status. They easily defeated the boss monster Sauron and patted themselves on the back because capturing Sauron was totally their idea. Sauron's a Maiar, so killing him is impossible, he just chilled in the dungeons, and told the Men how awesome they were even they they aren't elves... cause elves are immortal, but it's so great you can still do stuff with your disability. The Dunedain started getting into fad diets and buying life-extension supplements on home-shopping channels, which ironically made their lifespans shorter. "Well, if I was a Valar, I could edit the Sims:Men source code," said Sauron, and the Dunedain totally came up with the idea on their own to attack the Valar to demand an immortality patch. "My old boss Melkor is a Valar, maybe he could help if he was free," and the Dunedain fell for that too.
So the Dunedain switched their game settings to max out military bonuses, and sailed west. The Valar and Elves knew they were getting a full-on /b/ invasion, and appealed to Iluvatar all-father for a government bailout. Illuvatar banhammered the invasion fleet, and did an Atlantis on the island of Numenor for good measure. Sauron was still in jail when the place was rekt, and he lost his sweet Maiar character and had to start over in Middle-Earth. Some Men of Numenor managed to survive, and washed up on Middle-Earth. They still had their cheat-mode bonuses, and easily became kings among men. One of them started Gondor in the south.
- Sonic
The last story is about the gold rings. Sauron fooled people into thinking he was going to play Neutral Good with his new character, and made or help make new client plugins for all his friends called "rings of power. Each ring is actually a trojan to be installed to get the account passwords for the kings of men, dwarves and elves. He had a master One Ring that could backdoor all the others, hopefully to turn all the people of Middle-Earth into his personal spam botnet. The Elves and the survivors of Numenor team up and wreck Sauron's shit. Just as the elves start thinking maybe not all Numenorians are greedy shits like the ones that tried to attack Aman, the king of Men Ilsidur decides the One Ring is too 'leet to delete, and keeps it for himself. Elves give up on Men totally. Ilsidur himself dies on the way home in a stupid horse accident.