Assholetep
"An aeons old automaton king... with the petulant impatience and obnoxious tantrums of a 7 year old child."
+++ Imperial Star Charts name this world the Tomb World of the Necron Lord, Assholetep the Insufferable.
RECOMMENDATION: Avoid at all costs. Assholetep is easier to insult than a catty gay hipster at a costume party on Halloween where like 3 other gay men dressed as the same obscure superhero that you never heard of.
Below are a collection of anecdotes pertaining to the many misdeeds and tantrums of Assholetep the Insufferable.
>Wake up
>Orks looted his favorite Staff of Light
>Teleport entire Tombworld's forces to fight massive Waaagh three sectors over
>IG happen to be fighting the Orks
>Help them
>At victory party
>Planetary-Governor doesn't compliment his new cloak
>Entire sub-sector devoid of all life the next week
>Fighting Tyranids >Rippers won't let him keep them as pets >To this day, nobody knows what has been cutting a bloody path through Hive Fleet Kraken
>It's his birthday >The Feudal World that hasn't had contact from space in thousands of years forgot >Entire population butchered >Flayed Ones dance around in rotting flesh and party hats
>At victory Banquet after fending off Hive Fleet Gorgon at Ka'mais >Nobody lets him ride in a Crisis Suit >MFW we know the real reason for the Harvest of Ka'mais
>Helps IG fight Chaos for rule over a planet >Weeks into the campaign >Lord Commissar mispronounces his name >The Deamon Prince Valshar now rules over Ciruck IV
>Gives Arch-Magos new shiny Necrodermis body >Becomes most trusted advisor >Years later >Forgets to polish his Res Orb for him >Magos is melted down and turned into Scarabs. The forgeworld where he grew up is obliterated.
>Admech find Assholehotep in stasis >Praise him and write legends about him >Thousands of ears later they forget >He finds records when he wakes up >They haven't edited his page on Admechpedia in 12000 years >All forgeworlds in the next five sectors melted to a molten goo
>hive world is under attack by nids >he sees the world being demolished and decides to help >after a month of hard combat the nids are all eradicated >the citizens thank the lord and ask what he would like in return >he asks for a solid gold statue of himself errected in the center of the major city >they comply >he inspects the work and finds a 5% impurity of silver in the statue >the hive world is now a dead world.
>Assholehotep helping a Forgeworld >One of their Titans steps on a single Scarab >"What do mean an entire Titan Legion was eaten by bugs"?
>His Tomb Ships assist a fleet based Chapter fight of some Eldar Pirates >Battle Barge cuts in front of them by accident >The Space Hawk Chapter no longer exists
>Harvesting residents of a local Feral World >Hears Feral Child has insulted him >Entire human population besides the child is killed >The last image of a sentient creature the child sees is Assholehotep mooning him
>angry marines and asholehotept's destroyers get into an arguing match over who killed the most tau. >it was a tie. >they proceeded to go to the next world to try to break the tie. >the whole sector was fucked.
>Assholehotep is one of the few remaining Lords wearing the original attire >Always made fun of >Goes around blowing up other sleeping Tomb Worlds out of spite >Whispers "Faggots" under his breath every time
>Assholehotep meets with some Admech >They compliment him on his wonderful Particle Whip >Entire Admech presence in five sectors destroyed since they confused his Staff of Light for a Particle Whip
>all hot women in a one light year radius suddenly absent from their homes >sweet millions-strong rave party on Assholetep's tomb world >Assholetep tries to score with the hottest chick at the party >she points out he doesn't have a penis >thus did the Great Raveocaust begin
>Assholetep meets Angron sometime during the 30,000s. >Both end up severely pissing the other off. >Angron goes on to fuck up Armageddon's shit and thus starting a game of one upsmanship. >Angron returns from the warp after one hundred years of being trapped in it, only to find Assholetep waiting for him. >Angron is still unable to return from the warp.
>Cegorachian Eldar pull a prank on Assholetep and cause him to sit on a whoopie cushion. >Ten days later the population of Cegorach's worshippers drops by 90% due to Necron related causes.
>Dark Eldar try to settle outside of Commoragh and bump into Assholetep >Assholetep wants them to compliment his new set of spikes >Dark Eldar call him not spiky enough. >Ever since then the Dark Eldar have never tried to settle outside of Comorragh again.