Catachan Jungle Fighters

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Catachan Jungle Fighters

The Catachan Jungle Fighters are an Imperial Guard army from the Death-world of Catachan. They are mainly noted for having what are quite possibly the largest balls in the entire Imperium.

Catachan: A very, very, very, very, very shitty place to live

If you think it sucks where you live... well, you know absolutely nothing. Here are just a few reasons why Catachan is the last place in the entire galaxy you would (or should) visit:

  • Half of the babies die are eaten before they are three.
  • Half of those survivors are then eaten before they are ten.
  • Every animal is carnivorous. Every plant is poisonous.
  • Most predators on Catachan aren't just giant monsters like you'd find on Fenris or Cretacia. That would just be too easy. Many of Catachan's most lethal killers are tiny, like insects, which will almost certainly kill you before you even see them.
  • You live at several times Earth's gravity.
  • The planet's major export is soldiers. No, wait. The planet's only export is soldiers.
  • Or in other words: Living on Catachan is like living perpetually in the first stages of a Tyranid invasion. Read: not a very good idea.

Positive side

There are, however, some positives that balance out all of the bad, bad things about being a guardsman from Catachan. Assuming you live long enough to enjoy them.

  • Your muscles will be so thick that you count as having flack armor, even without a shirt on.
  • You're able to kill Orks with your bare hands. If that doesn't work, you can use the FUCKHUEG knife you get.
  • You might be led by Colonel "I ate a Miral landshark for breakfast" Straken.
  • you can makes even Chuck Norris looks like Justin Bieber
  • You have superhuman strength(at least as compared to other Guardsmen; you're still not exactly a Space Marine).