Codex - Angry Custodes

VeryIntelligentShadeOfTheColourBlue: Good morning/midday/afternoon to everyone, and this is the page the codex page for the Angry Custodes. Now before anyone points this out, yes this is based/inspired heavily/mostly by the work of How Is The Doc and his Angry Marines codex for 8th edition, and by the whole idea of the Angry Marines created/regurgitated by /tg/.

All the rules on this page are the result of some mathshammering in my notebooks, and are therefore likely to be under powered/overpowered/unplayable/HERESY, and any lore I may add for these models/the Angry Custodes as a whole is also likely to be equally under cooked. Any feedback, as such, would be appreciated. I'm also only just learning how to edit wiki pages so my formatting may be a little shit.

Stuff that needs finishing: The Great Fuckening fluff, the Angry custodes squad, the sister of RAEG, the mind fucked, another HQ based on the upcoming new hq for the custodes, the fast attack, elite, heavy support and flyers options, and the lords of war

With the announced release of the custodes 8th edition codex for 8th edition all of the rules here will need rewriting, the same named units will remain etc but what I have written will need to be brought into line with the official rules.

The Great Fuckening

Custodes are not, by their design, disposed to being angry, having being designed and built by the emperor (from his own dna) to be the greatest soldiers and bodyguards in existence, beaten only by the emperors own offspring, the Primarchs. And for the past 10,000 years (apart from going a bit insane) the Custodes have been silently training, guarding, watching, and oiling up their naked forms and being generally fabulous.

This however, finally changed with the return of Roboute Guilliman, and the forming of his Indominous crusade to retake the galaxy. With his new position as ruler of the galaxy (with all his brothers being dead, missing or demons, and daddy being mostly dead as well) Guilliman recruited the Custodes into his crusade across the galaxy, a galaxy which was not prepared for the golden might of the emperors finest. The state of the galaxy and the rise of chaos did not make the custodes angry however, this is what they had been made for, even if they were being ordered around by Roboute.

No, what began their descent into complete and utter, balls kicking, skittle RGAE, was when they met the Angry Marines. At first things went smoothly, the custodes admired the Angry marines for their righteous fury and their ability to kick anything in the balls even if it didn’t have genitalia, while the Angry Marines (although seeing the Custodes as a little stuck up having not done anything for the past 10,000 years) loved the fact that the custodes guns were actually swords and spears, allowing them to “FUCK THOSE CHAOS FAGGOTS UP FROM A DISTANCE WITHOUT BECOMING A BUNCH OF PANSY FUCKING BLUEBERRIES!!!”

The Custodes even grew to admire and respect the Angry Marines so much that they bestowed the greatest honour the Custodes possess, which was to invite the Angry Marines chapter Master, Temperus Maximus, to Terra to the inner sanctum of the imperial palace, an honour Maximimus replied to with “ABOUT FUCKING TIME!!!” Once inside the imperial palace (after the Angry Marines had completely depleted Terra’s supply of skittles and training servitors) Maximus was led past the two titans which guarded the entrance to the throne room, to see the emperor. “Chapter Master Temperus Maximus,” said the leader of the ten custodes who had escorted Temperus “before you sits the guardian of our species and the greatest of us all, the Emperor of Mankind,” and in unison, the custodes bowed towards the skeletal figure on the golden throne.

“WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?!!!” Asked the chapter master in a polite, reverential tone which was still loud enough to shatter glass at thirty paces. The ten custodes gave each other uncharacteristic nervous glances. “He’s sitting right before you chapter Master on the golden throne,” another replied. “BUT HE’S A FUCKING SKELETON?!!!” Maximus replied in a slightly louder, conversational tone which blew the circuits of two nearby servitors. “Well you see,” started one custodian, his ears still ringing “the Emperor was gravely wounded during his fight against Horus ten thousand years ago, and ever since he has been kept alive by the golden throne guiding us through his might and the astronomicon.”

Why play Angry Custodes?

The Angry Custodes exist as the single biggest point sink per model outside of HQ's, Lords of War, certain elites, I'm looking at you assassins (really, well I shot you last week BLAM) or super heavies, destroying their enemies no matter what phase it is, even upon death each model will still be trying to FUCK EVERYTHING UP!!! Alternatively your enemy picks them off at range while the Custodians beat the living daylights out of each other like orks in previous editions.

That being said, the Angry Custodes, flavour wise, exist as a strange mix of Adeptus Custodes (no shit Sherlock), the Angry Marines (OUR FUCKING RAGE IS EVERYWHERE DICKHEAD!!!) and the orks (those emprahs boyz is wel choppy ladz), with the Custodes part providing the actual models and the immense tankiness, the Angry Marines providing the rage (although fluff wise the Angry Custodes are even angrier), and the orks providing the reality bending powers and weird warp related shit (which if not almost certainly heretical, is definitely bending the laws to the point that they cry uncle.

Pros:

• You like the adeptus custodes, but are annoyed that they have no HQ choices of their own, or the variety of units and equipment they have in 30k.
• You like your namesake troops being the bane of all toughness 3 units, but also have the ability to mess everything else up.
• You like being able to dish out mortal wounds to everything, even your own guys, and being able to save against mortal wounds, to the point that deamons start getting jealous.
• You like an army which can explode when killed to RAEG QUIT!!!
• You like angry marines, but want something that's also dakkery.
• The existence of gold makes all other colours inferior, but you like that a red angry face makes it even more awesome.
• You like having access to knights and titans, and being able to use a keyword that isn't imperium or adeptus mechanicus (not such a big deal now that I’ve added knights and titans to the Angry Marines codex, but the custodes get access to named knights and titans and can use the Angry marine knights).
• You like the Sisters of Silence but want them to have special rules which have more application to fighting factions which aren't Grey Knights or Thousand Sons.
• You like having access to insta-kill psychic powers (no big D though).

Cons:

• The rules are (as they stand) just redos of already existing units.
• Poor modelling options, as the kits for e.g. Sisters of silence, provide little wiggle room. Even when it comes to painting, these models were designed for a more orthodox paint scheme.
  • This contributes to the lack of model diversity from the original rules as at least armies like the Angry Marines can chop off parts from eg. space marines tanks.
• The codex is not yet finished, or anything remotely close to balanced.
• Your units will cost a fortune per head, a basic Angry Custodian costs the same as a fully kitted out Adeptus Custodian (also an advantage as it makes your army cost less dolla unless your using a titan).
• Your army might kill itself before it reaches the enemy.
• If you win, you end up being classed as that guy.
  • Especially if you win by just using a conga line of Sisters of RAEG.

Angry Custodes Rules

General Rules

• FUCK YOU AND YOUR COMMAND POINTS!!!: Those minds which were present during the Great Fuckening give zero shits about what others say, especially the pansy Ultramarine concept of re-rolls, as Angry Custodes never have need of such things.
  • A model/unit with this rule cannot receive any modifiers to dice rolls, leadership, re-rolls, move distances etc (from friendly or enemy sources). They can however, be denied invulnerability saves etc. They also cannot be targeted by stratagems, unless it is indirectly or generally (units in area x receive a mortal wound etc).

• ECHO IN THE FUCKING WARP COCKSUCKER!!!: Every sentient creature in the galaxy can feel the echo of the Great Fuckening oozing off an Angry Custodian, and an Adeptus Custodian was scary enough before he was chasing you across a field with a volcano cannon to undertake some laser surgery on your ballsack. In groups, Angry Custodes can combine this psychic rage, by violently arguing with each other until they agree that they "SHOULD FUCK THAT DIPSHIT OVER THERE!!!". Although Angry Custodes are very good at fucking people up with their combined thoughts and abuse, if they do happen to miss their intended target then that will argue amounts each other even more violently and loudly than before, often dealing more damage to each other than the poor sod they were shooting at.
  • All other models within 12 inches subtract 1 from their leadership and psychic tests (friend and foe). At the beginning of your turn, you may deactivate this ability until the start of your next turn, but must then shoot with the following profile:

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
MINDDAKKA!!!	X2	Pistol X/2	X+2	X/2	3	Hits on a 2+, failed hits cause 2 mortal wounds to the firing unit. X= number of models in the firing unit, rounding down any fractions.

Only one model in the unit may shoot using this profile, and all other models in that models unit may not shoot their weapons while this effect is active. If this profile cannot hit an enemy unit, it hits a friendly unit instead, if it can't hit a friendly unit, then it hits the firers own unit.

• Ka FUUUUUUU!: There's only so much hate, anger and belligerence you can fit into a given space, but The Great Fuckening managed it. While it has the advantage that every member of the Angry Custodes fights as if he's on every known enhancement drug (and some unknown ones, slaanesh would very much like to know what these are), it has the rather hilarious side effect that when an Angry Custodian dies, they explode, rather violently, it is thought that this isn't actually the Custodian being slain, but is in fact a very extreme form of rage quitting.
  • When a model with this rule is slain, it deal 1 mortal wound to the model which killed it, 1 mortal wound to the models unit, and 1 mortal wound to the slain models unit. If this ability would slay another model with this rule, then all units within 3 inches take 2 mortal wounds. If this effect would cause another model with this rule to be slain and for further activations, use the profile:

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities
Ka FUUUUUUU!	3X	N/A	N/A	N/A	X	Damages all units in range and inflicts auto hitting mortal wounds. X=Number of the effect in the sequence eg. Second explosion would equal 2.

If this effect would be activated twice simultaneously, resolve them one after the other as if they weren't simultaneous.

• COCKSHOT YOU FUCKING CUNT!: Angry Custodes just know where to find a targets dick, even if that target doesn't have a dick the Custodes will find it, and kick it, very hard, and only then will they start killing their target by more conventional means.
  • One hit (in the fight or shooting phase) caused by a model with this rule is a "COCKSHOT", and inflicts a mortal wound instead of resolving normal damage.

• JUST FUCKING HIT THE BASTARDS!: The Angry Custodes are, as you may have guessed, are rather angry and impatient creatures. They've spent god emperor knows how long travelling through the warp and real space looking for the next target to kick. So when it actually comes down to fighting, the Angry Custodes can't be bothered to wait around and slowly make their way to the enemy. Most of all, they hate that their weapons come in varieties which aren't assault, as for some reason they can't run and fire those weapons. So they just ignored the pansy, ultramarine rules, and ran, screaming and shooting, at their enemies anyway.
  • A model with this rule may only target the closest enemy unit (or friendly unit where applicable). If a model with this rule could advance to get into shooting range of an enemy unit in the movement phase, it must do so, but it's weapons become assault x (pistol 2 becomes assault 2) until the next turn. Also, if a model with this rule could get within 7 inches of an enemy model, it must do so, but not only does it gain the above benefit, it may then also charge that enemy unit as if it hasn't advanced, but must charge that unit.

• Charge of the FUCK YOU brigade: Angry Custodes don't like the idea of moving a random distance towards their enemy, they believe that there is nothing worse (apart from ultramarines, HERESEY, furries....) than running towards their enemy, and find out that they are just out of range of CURBSTOMPING THE FAGGOTS!!!
  • Models with this rule add 4 to the movement distance when advancing instead of rolling a d6. They also have a flat charge distance of 8 inches instead of rolling 2d6.

• Scary as fuck but impossible to miss: Adeptus Custodes are BIG, the only humans which are larger are the Primarchs and the Emperor himself. Combine this with the sheer amount of noise that an Angry Custodian makes, and you get a package which is very difficult to not hit, and very hard not to run away from.
  • A unit targeting a model/unit with this rule as part of overwatch adds 1 to their hit rolls, but rolls 4d3 instead of a 1d6 and discard the lowest two dice when determining morale casualties during melee with a model with this rule.

• COVER CAMPING BASTARDS!: Cover has a bad habit of getting in the way of an Angry Custodian, so they tend to just ignore it or the cover runs away in terror.
  • Models with this rule cannot gain bonuses from cover, but may charge through it as if it wasn't there.

• WHO'S THIS KHARN CUNT ANYWAY?!: Angry Custodes never “miss” their target, they simply indented to hit that other target, even if that other target was a friendly Custodian.
  • Every missed roll made by a model with this rule (except by mind dakka) on a 4+ on a d6 is treated as a "COCKSHOT" to the nearest model in that models unit. If there are no other models in that models in that models unit remaining then that attack is assigned to the nearest model (friend or foe).

• EMPRAH PROTECT!: The emperors seal of approval, like a purity seal except that it actually protects against stuff instead of just looking fancy.
  • Models with this rule have a 5+ invulnerability save, unless otherwise stated (eg a 3+ with a storm shield). This models invulnerability save may also be used to block mortal wounds (except those caused by MIND DAKKA!!! and perils in the warp).

• Don't you even FUCKING DARE!!!: The Sisters of RAEG have a way of making people not shoot at them, some say that it's the psychic maelstrom that surrounds them, others say that it's the way that they silently scream how much they despise your existence, while others profess that shooting at a Sister of RAEG is an excellent way to find you balls being pulled off your body via your throat. Whatever reason, the enemy always finds an excuse to shoot straight up into the air instead of at the gold and red psychopaths running towards them at top speed.
  • A unit/model which wishes to target a model/unit with this rule (within 24") must roll a d6 and add its units highest leadership and the targeted model/unit must do the same. If the targeted unit/model equals or has a higher value than the targeting model/units value then that targeting model/unit suffers a -1 to all dice rolls until the next turn (this doesn't not stack with multiple copies of this effect). If the targeting unit/model has a higher result then nothing happens.

• My eyes are up here DIPSHIT!!! Despite how intimidating and angry a Sister of RAEG is you still can't help but look into their eyes, eyes which show a clear contempt for your existence. Such an allure makes it, as you can imagine, very difficult to shoot at anything other than the Sister of RAEG, an act which is scientifically proven to dramatically increase the number of anuses you have.
  • If a model/unit with this rule is the closest unit to an enemy unit, that enemy unit must target the unit with this rule in the shooting, fight and psychic phases.

Angry Custodes Units

HQ

The Mind Fucked

Name	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv	Points
Mind Fucked Psyker	6"	3+	3+	3	3	5	3	8	3+	40

This unit consists of one Mind Fucked Psyker, and is armed with a laspistol and a force stave.

Wargear:

Melee Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities	Points Per Weapon
Laspistol	12”	Pistol 1	3	0	1	-	0
Force stave	Melee	Melee	+2	-1	D3	-	0

Abilities:

• EMPRAH PROTECT!

• Mortal is a relative term: Mind Fucked Psykers don't entirely fulfill the definition of mortal, advantages of having your souls bound to the largest source of RAEG outside the areas of the immaterium owned by khorne (BLAM!! HERESEY!!!).
  • A model with this rule does not take damage from mortal wounds (except from perils in the warp and Please don't hurt me...), this includes mortal wounds from "It's for your own good/BLAM!!!".

• Wait NOOOOOOOOGLARBABLAHBALHABHHBLBL...: The downside of being bound to the Angry Custodes (apart from the nightmares, the beatings, the insults, the screaming...) is that when a Mind Fucked Psyker dies, their body receives the unadulterated disapproval/abuse/RAEG of psychic mass they were bound to, with messy results.
  • When this model is slain/dies from perils in the warp, it deals d3 mortal wounds to all units within 12". You may then set up a chaos spawn model in its place (this model costs points in matches play).

• Please don't hurt me...: A mind Fucked Psyker is only a figure head general for an Angry Custodes army, and such are looked down on and beaten by Angry Custodes and Sisters of RAEG. This abuse can also be seen as character building, as the psykers of the Angey Custodes always perform better after a smack round the back of the head.
  • A model with this rule, when within 6" of an INFANTRY unit with the ANGRY CUSTODES keyword and 7 or more models, receives a mortal wound at the start of your turn. However, in the psychic phase, this model must add 3 to its manifestation and deny tests.

This model is a psyker, it knows smite and one power from the Great Fuuuuuuu... discipline, and can attempt to cast one power in your psychic phase, and deny two in your enemies psychic phase.

The Screams of the Mind Fucked Discipline

Name	Warp Charge Value	Description
Alight it's MY FUCKING TURN!!!	9	The psyker channels the power of The Great Fuckening to become an embodiment of its RAEG. If manifested the psyker gains the statline of WS2+ BS2+ S6 T5 W5 A5 Ld10 Sv - until the start of your next psychic phase and reqains D3 previously lost wounds. It is still a psyker and a character so may still deny powers, be targeted by psyker specific abilities etc.
Healing RAEG!!!	8	Angry Custodes find the powers which birthed their new existence fathering soothing, in the same way that orks consider blasted wastelands home or Slaanesh considers downtown Amsterdam a relaxing vacation. If manifested select an “ANGRY CUSTODES” unit with 12”, that unit regains D6 previously lost wounds or you may regain a single model from that unit which was previously slain with D3 wounds.
THE middle finger	11/12	The psyker manifests the holy approval of the god/man emperor of mankind, the sanctified middle finger, and shoves it up his targets arse so far that the glowing light of the fingertip glows out of the targets mouth. If manifested choose a target within 18”, if that target has an initial wound count of 10 or less it is immediately slain, no saves allowed. If it has a starting wound count of greater than ten then it suffers 10 mortal wounds instead. If you roll an 11 when manifesting this power then you may (you have a choice) attempt to cast it again, if you keep rolling 11’s then you may keep attempting to cast the power.
Metaphorical mind fucking	7	The psyker channels the Angry Custodes collective knowledge of swear words and insults into his targets mind. Most mortal minds are incapable of comprehending the vast scope of curses and slights the universe can offer, resulting in said mind simply collapsing in on itself and then exploding outwards in an explosion of blood, bone and one giant cry of “FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!” If manifested, choose a unit with 24” comprised entirely of models within a maximium wound characteristic of 1. A model of your choice from that unit is then immediately slain, and the unit it was in then suffers D3 mortal wounds.

Special Charecters

Chief Mind Fucked, Elminster the not entirely present

Abilities:

• Back to the maelstrom: Elminster’s existence sits on a knife edge, as his soul is occasionally dragged back into the Angry Custodes psychic vortex, and one day his soul may never return from said vortex.
  • At the beginning of your turn roll a D6, on a 1 Elminster’s soul is temporarily dragged back into the Angry Custodes psychic maelstrom, and is inactive until your next turn, on a 2+ he behaves normally. If you rolled a 1 then roll another D6, on a 2+ nothing happens but on a 1 Elminster’s soul is dragged deeper into the vortex, and is either slain or must be retrieved after the battle and returned to his vehicle. In this case, Elminster is slain, remove his model from the battlefield.

Troops

Angry Custodes Squad

Name	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv	Points
Angry Custodian	6"	2+	3+	6	5	3	4	8	2+	60
Head Arse Kicker	6"	2+	2+	6	5	3	5	9	2+	60

This unit consists of at least 1 Head Arse Kicker and 4 Angry Custodians. You may add up to 5 more Angry Custodians.

Wargear:

Melee Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities	Points Per Weapon
Guardian Spear (shooting)	24”	Rapid fire 1	4	-1	2	-	12
Guardian Spear (melee)	Melee	Melee	+1	-3	D3	-	12
Sentinel blade (shooting)	12”	Pistol 2	4	0	1	-	9
Sentinel blade (melee)	Melee	Melee	User	-3	D3	-	9
Power knife	Melee	Melee	User	-2	1	A model equipped with a sentinel blade and a power knife can make 1 additional attack each time it fights.	5

Abilities:

• FUCK YOU AND YOUR COMMAND POINTS!!!
• ECHO IN THE FUCKING WARP COCKSUCKER!!!
• Ka FUUUUUUU!
• COCKSHOT YOU FUCKING CUNT!
• JUST FUCKING HIT THE BASTARDS!
• Charge of the FUCK YOU brigade
• Scary as fuck but impossible to miss
• COVER CAMPING BASTARDS!
• WHO'S THIS KHARN CUNT ANYWAY?!
• EMPRAH PROTECT!

Sisters of RAEG squad

Name	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv	Points
Sister of RAEG	7"	3+	3+	3	3	1	2	8	3+	14
Sister superior (AND YOU'D BETTER REMEMBER THAT BITCHES!!!)	7"	3+	3+	3	3	1	3	9	3+	14

This unit consists of 1 Sister superior and 4 Sisters of RAEG. It may include up to 5 additional Sisters of RAEG. Each model is equipped with a boltgun and psyk-out grenades.

Wargear:

• Any model may replace its boltgun with an executioners blade.
• For every 5 models in a unit you may replace one models boltgun with a flamer.
• For every 5 models in a unit you may replace one models boltgun with a storm

Melee Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities	Points Per Weapon
Boltgun	24”	Rapid fire 1	4	0	1	-	0
Psyk-out grenades	6”	Grenade D3	2	0	1	Each time you roll a hit roll of 6+ for this weapon when targeting a PSYKER or DAEMON, the target suffers a mortal wound instead of normal damage.	0
Storm bolter	24”	Rapid fire 2	4	0	1	-	3
Flamer	8”	Assault D6	4	0	1	This weapon automatically hits its target.	9
Executioners greatblade	Melee	Melee	+1	-3	D3	Attacks with this weapon can target any model within base contact of your choice instead of your opponent assigning damage.	8

Abilities:

• FUCK YOU AND YOUR COMMAND POINTS!!!
• Ka FUUUUUUU!
• COCKSHOT YOU FUCKING CUNT!
• EMPRAH PROTECT!
• Don't you even FUCKING DARE!!!
• My eyes are up here DIPSHIT!!!

Elites

Daemons of Rage

The daemons of the warp reflect the real world, regions of disease and filth creates nurglings, while a red light district creates deamonettes (never try and sleep with a demonette, you’ll likely loose a few body parts). But what demons would the Angry Marines produce? Nobody knows, as nobody has survived hanging around in Angry marine influenced warp space and the Angry Marines are not ones for summoning demons. We do have the next best thing, and that is the demons produced by the Angry Custodes, demons which are simultaneously dragged from the warp into reality and sustained by the Angry Custodes’ psychic maelstrom. These demons resemble the cherubs used in imperial and church services, except that they are gold and give off a brilliant light... that and they swear like drunken sailors.

These demons are always present around the Angry Custodes fighting and cursing at each other lacking anything better to do as (unlike other demons) they do need to perform acts to maintain their source of psychic energy, the mere existence of the Angry Custodes is enough of an energy source. In battle however (as if sensing that there’s something to do) more of these demons will materialise and charge headlong towards the enemy, acting as a very violent, immaterial meat shield for the ever so slightly slower Custodes charging right behind them. The inquisition takes a very dim (and by dim I mean HEEEEERRRRRREEEEESSSSSEEEEYYYYY BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!) view to the appearance of these demons but are rather stuck on what to do as:

• The Angry Custodes don’t have a planetary base which they can exterminartus.
• The demons cannot be removed by simply killing them as long as the custodes still live.
• And killing an Angry Custodian is no easy task, with the only beings other than assassins capable of the task are Adeptus Custodes, and they are all conveniently busy with other tasks when the inquisition tries to strong arm them into doing the task.

The Angry Custodians don’t seem to mind the demons, perhaps not registering them amoungst all the other psychic energy which surrounds them or simply viewing them as manifestations of their own fury (which is true to an extent) and therefore not demons at all.

A squad of daemons of Rage is made up of 1-5 models. They are armed with tiny fists of fury and projectiles of profanity.

Name	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv	Points
Daemon of Rage	7"	4+	6+	3	2	14	2	6	-	15

Weapon name	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities	Points Per Weapon
Projectiles of Profanity	8”	Pistol 1	3	0	1	This weapon automatically hits its target.	0
Tiny fists of Fury	Melee	Melee	User	-	1	On a to wound roll of 6+ this weapon inflicts a mortal wound in addition to its normal damage.	0

Abilities:

• EMPRAH PROTECT!:
  • Except that this model instead has a 6+ invulnerability save instead of the usual 5+.
• Eternal energy source: As long as the Angry Custodes exist the daemons of rage will continue to spawn, and with existence comes eternal conflict and profanity.
  • As long as your warlord is still alive and has the “ANGRY CUSTODES” keyword then this models unit regain D3 previously lost wounds at the beginning of your turn. If no models are wounded, a slain model may return with D3 wounds.

Angry Spirits

It is a relatively known fact that the Legion of the Damned are imperial demons, whether they are the souls of dead marines or just straight forward demons is unknown however, as there is no way to test whether the spirital marines are actual marines (mostly because they never talk). We do know however that the Angry Marines no longer (they may have used to) become members of the Legion of the damned, as their souls are now attracted to the psychic beacon of the Angry Custodes, where most of them will simply hang around, get into immaterial and swear a lot. Some of these souls are Angry enough however to rip their way back into reality, where they manifest themselves like the legion of the damned, except that their armour is bright gold and adorned with burning, angry faces. Such spirits will also not dematerialise once a fight is over, and will hang around with the Angry custodes, who will treat their immaterial comrade as a lost brother, unless there are inquisitors around, in which case the spiritual marine is just a very small Custodian until someone can find a way to get rid of the inquisitor.

Abilities:

• NO DEMONS HERE, THERE'S NOTHING TO FUCKING SEE!!!:
  • Even though this unit has the DEMON keyword, other models may not gain bonuses for attacking or defending against this unit because of its DEMON keyword.

Lords of war

Knights apoplectic rules:

• Knights of the FLIPPED OVER TABLE!!!: BECAUSE THAT PRICK STOLE MY FUCKING SKITTLES!!!

• If your army is Battle-forged, all KNIGHTS APOPLECTIC units gain this ability. Roll a D6 each time it loses his final wound; on a 4+ the damage is ignored, and that wound is not lost. In addition, their melee weapons that is not Titanic Feet deal a D3 more damage to models with the TITANIC keyword.

• Really fucking huge and fucking scary:

• all KNIGHTS APOPLECTIC units in your army gain this ability. Enemy units will always hit a KNIGHTS APOPLECTIC unit on a 5+ or better with ranged weapons but can still hit them with lower rolls if their BS allows it. but In addition, Enemy units that are within 1" of a KNIGHTS APOPLECTIC must roll 2d6 instead of a 1d6 and discard the lowest result when determining morale casualties.

Titan rules:

• SUPERHEAVY AS FUCK BITCHES: You know that you're heavy when your arrival on a planet results in a change in the planets orbital trajectory.
  • A model with this rule can Fall Back in the Movement phase and still shoot/orcharge during its turn. A model with this rule may fall back over INFANTRY or SWARM models though at the end of its move it must be more than 1” away from all enemy units. A model with this rule may fire its weapons even if there are enemy models within 1” of it unless those models have the TITANIC keyword. In this case it can shoot at the enemy unit within 1” of it or at an other enemy unit within range which is not within 1” of a friendly unit. In addition, a model with this rule can move and fire its heavy weapons without any penalty to its hit rolls. Finally, a model with this rule only gains a bonus to its save in cover if at least half of the model is obscured from the bearer.

• NA NA NA NA NA THIS OBJECTIVE IS MINE YOU PUNY GUARDSMEN!!!: If being denied an objective by swarms of guants is infuriating to a normal Angry Marine you have no idea what it is like to be a titan in the same situation. The solution is to just say “FUCK YOU!!!” And take the objective for yourself, by simply sitting the Titans gigantic feet either side of the objective and daring anyone to try and take it “FUCKING TRY IT, I DARE YOU!!!”.
  • Models with this rule gain objective secured if your army is battle forged, but do not have the ability to control it if the enemy has numerical superiority on the same objective.

• LOOK, I’M DRIVING WITHOUT A PILOT!!!: Nobody in their right or wrong mind would ever dare to tell an Angry Titan what to do unless they wanted an anus full of titanic feet, so Angry Marine high command will put on their best diplomatic face and behaviour and ask the Titan to engage the enemy. Most of the time the Titan will go along with these requests as it means it has someone to shoot at and punch repeatedly, but sometimes the Titan will decide that it would much rather cause the nearest target to suffer total existence failure, whether that be friend, foe or a random rock which happened to offend it.
  • Roll a dice at the beginning of each of your turns for each of the models with this rule, on a 4+ the Titan behaves normally, on a 1, 2 or 3 the Titan can only target the nearest unit to itself (friend or foe) and must move towards that unit and charge it if possible, and may re-roll hit and wound rolls of 1 in the Shooting and Fight phase it makes against that unit until the next turn. Units with the ANGRY MARINE keyword are ignored for this rule unless the next nearest unit is also a unit with the ANGRY MARINE keyword.

• Titan Void shields: The thing which truly makes a titan a titan, the ability to shrug off even the most powerful of eldritch attacks and come out of it smiling maniacally and you continue to charge towards your enemy.
  • Void shields are a special kind of save, like an invulnerability save it is unaffected by the ap of a weapon but cannot defend against melee attacks, but unlike invulnerability saves they can be used to block mortal wounds. Roll a dice for each mortal wound inflicted on the Titan, with the mortal wound being ignored if you pass the save roll. Consult the Titan damage table to view its current void shield save.

• Cataclysmic Explosion: The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
  • If this model is reduced to 0 wounds, roll a D6 before removing the model from the battlefield. On a 5+, it suffers a cataclysmic explosion, and each unit within 3D6” suffers 2D6 mortal wounds.

Knights Apoplectic

Strangely enough, the Angry Custodes didn't start out with any knights, as there weren't any near enough to the Imperial Palace to become corrupted by their RAEG. But over the years the Angry Marines have employed the services of Questing Knights (some of whom even survived fighting alongside the Angry Custodes), who the Custodes valued highly for their ability to bring large amounts of Dakka and Choppy, all on a chassis that can also kick its enemies in the balls (although the kick in question just kicks the whole target out of existence, but it's the thought that counts). A very small number of these knights ended up working with the Angry Custodes for so long, that the souls of their pilot and machine spirit became forever corrupted and bound to the psychic bag of insane honey badgers which is the hallmark of the Angry Custodes.

This means that the Angry Custodes not only have access to normal knights, but also a few more... unusual varieties which the Adeptus Mechanicus consider abhorrent (if somewhat erotic, like a deamonette, but even more likely to cut your balls off).

You may use the Angry Knights found in the Angry Marines codex, except that those models gain the “ANGRY CUSTODES” keyword and lose the “ANGRY MARINE” keyword.

Knights Apoplectic are different, each type comes with a set weapon loadout and unique rules, you may field both Angry Knights and Knights Apoplectic in the same army. In addition, if you are fighting a campaign with three of more battles, and have one or more “ANGRY NIGHT” units (not knights apoplectic) in your army, for the third battle and beyond those knights gain the “KNIGHTS APOPLECTIC” keyword free of charge.

The Despoiler of Plot Lines

A knight who is capable of sensing inbalences in the warp caused by a beings plot armour, whether it be abbadon failing to destroy cadia 13 times in a row, or Caldor Drago surviving for millennia in the warp, the knight senses these slips and denial of common sense in reality, and they hate them all. It is unknown whether the pilot is male, female or even a xeno, what is known that if a being who is defying the laws of reality and physics gets too close, the Despoiler of Plot Lines will stir in its hanger and scream “FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF....” and charge off in its enemies direction. In the knights spare time (while not taking part in the Angry Custodes usual activities of fighting etc) it writes stories based on improved versions of the characters it has slain as if to try and soothe the universe by showing it that things can get better. Needless to say, the Despoiler is bat shit insane and more violent than a bag full of honey badgers.

The Despoiler of plot lines is an Angry Knight armed with a single “FUCK OFF HUGE CHAINSWORD!!!”, titanic feet and nothing else.

Name	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv	Pts
The Despoiler of Plot Linest	*	*	*	9	8	24	4	9	3+	450

Remaining W	M	WS	BS
13-24+	15”	2+	-
7-12	12”	2+	-
1-6	6”	3+	-

Wargear: This model may not take any other weapons

Weapon	Range	Type	S	AP	D	Abilities	Points Per Weapon
FUCK OFF HUGE CHAINSWORD!!!	Melee	Melee	X2	-5	6	You may make two additional attacks with this weapon with a -1 to hit once the current round of combat is over (assuming that it is not slain).	0

Abilities:

• Bringer of balence to the story: Despoiler has the skills to back up its ability to sense poor writing and badly formulated characters, with the knights weaponary being able to cut through the thickest of literal and metaphorical armour to slay it’s foe.
  • Attacks by this model cannot be saved against by invulnerability saves. In additional, this model fights first against models with the “CHARACTER” keyword, unless that character has charged and has an ability which says that it strikes first.
• Charecter Hunter: The Despoiler of Plot Lines will abandon fighting all other targets if it senses a nearby character, instead choosing the charge headlong towards its preferred foe.
  • At the beginning of your movement phase, if there is a model with the “CHARECTER” keyword within 24” of this model, this model must move (not advance) in a straight line towards that model, it gains 6” to its movement characteristic until the end of your turn and may pass through enemy units to do so as long as it ends it’s move more than 1” of an enemy model, unless that model is the enemy character in which case it must move to within 1” of that model and engage in combat. This move does not count as a charge so cannot be overwatched against.
• Knights of the FLIPPED OVER TABLE!!!
• Really fucking huge and fucking scary
• FUCKING MARY SUES
  • The despoiler of Plot Lines may reroll failed to wound rolls against characters named roboute guilliman, kaldo draigo, cato sicaruis, belisarius cawl and abbadon the despoiler.

Karl and Sigvald the Eternally Furious

Two brothers who manned two separate titans until (while fighting for the Angry Custodes) sigvald’s Titan was destroyed, leaving him without a knight. This let to a massive fight watched by several dozen Angry Custodes (THOSE KNIGHTLY FUCKS CAN’T FIGHT FOR SHIT WITHOUT THEIR GIANT WALKING PENIS COMPENSATIONS!!!) as Sigvald wanted Karl to hand over his knight as he was the older brother, while Karl was understandably a bit pissed off as “it’s your fucking fault that you fucked up your knight!” (This was before the two became properly Angry so they only spoke in lower case). In murderous rage, the two brothers both tried to simultaneously enter Karl’s knight to kill the other, but as they both squeezed inside the tiny cockpit an custodian slammed and sealed the door behind them because “IT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!”

The two brothers are now forever trapped together inside a space too small for them to kill each other, and forever sustained by the knights life support and the psychic energies which surround the Angry Custodes, their rage very rapidly boiling and growing as the two brothers exchanged insults for centuries. Only the battlefield Karl and Sigvald the Eternally Furious are a whirlwind of bullets and blades, as the only true outlet they have for their hatred for each other is on the battlefield, but one day their fury will be too much to be contained by mere metal and plasteel, creating a psychic shockwave to make any Angry Custodian proud “THAT WAS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!! THEY DIED STRANGLING EACH OTHERS THROATS!!!”

Name	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv	Pts
Karl and Sigvald the Eternally Furious	*	*	*	9	8	24	6	9	3+	345

Remaining W	M	WS	BS
13-24+	12”	2+	2+
7-12	9”	2+	2+
1-6	6”	3+	3+

Abilities:

• Centuries of fury: The fury built up inside Karl and Sigvald sharpens their senses and skills to a razors edge, ensuring that they fight like no one else on the battlefield.
  • This model rerolls failed hit rolls for this model in the shooting and fight phases.
• HOW CAN YOU FUCKING MISS THAT YOU PRICK?!!!: Battle is the only outlet the two brothers have for their fury, but that fury increases every time they miss a shot or a hit, and there’s only so much fury mortal forms can take before they break.
  • If this model misses a total of 10 hits in the shooting and/or fight phase it is immediately slain.
• Knights of the FLIPPED OVER TABLE!!!
• Really fucking huge and fucking scary

Ingrid, the infinitely prolonged and infinitely insane

The most insane being in the galaxy, the only being crazier than him is Kairos Fateweaver, but even he can’t predict Ingrid’s actions as she’s just so insane. Nothing is known about Ingrid and her knight other than that the Angry Custodes found her at the bottom of a hole dug by two fighting Belligerent Redemptor Dreadnoughts. It is not known why her knight was so far underground, but her knights markings and its advanced technology suggested that she was a knight from before the heresy, making her over 10,000 years old, surviving by virtue of most of her body being already replaced by mechanical parts. When retrieved from inside her knight she simply laughed continuously, intermittently adding “you look like giant golden mushrooms!” And “did you know that kitten is the funniest colour!” The Angry custodes tried to sedate her for examination but no amount of sedatives would work, and any needles they tried to put into her would bend away from her flesh, or turn into flowers, or start talking to the doctor saying “I never asked to be a needle you know, I wanted to be a vague feeling of unease, but no one asked my opinion on the matter.”

Eventually the Angry Custodes stopped trying to lock her up or get rid of her, and now she just wanders around with the custodes (sometimes in her Titan, which is now a strange blue colour with slashes of purple paint), commenting on how nice the gravity was today, or how rabbits make the best chess players and bed fellows. Occasionally she will stumble out onto the battlefield, where she is still crazy but her muscle/circuit memory kicks in and she violently cuts her way through any foe before the custodes, but once the battle is over she starts making blood angles (like snow angels, but bloodier) with her knight. The Angry Custodes now sort of accept her, and have set aside a small bedroom for her next to her knights hangar, although most nights she sleeps in her knight (no pun intended), cuddled up with a Ming dynasty vase which the custodes swear they have never seen before and have no idea where she materialised such a priceless artefact from.

Abilities:

• FUCK THAT GUYS CRAZY!!!:
  • This model charges 4D3 instead of 2D6, but she must always declare a charge on an enemy unit if there is an enemy unit within 12”. In addition, this model ignores damage on a 6+ (Roll for each individual damage ie for a damage if 3, roll three separate dice, each of which will ignore 1 damage on a 6+).

• SHIT’S GETTING WEIRD GUYS!!!:
  • This model has a 3+ invulnerability save except against attacks which would hit or wound it on a 6+, in which case she may not take any saving rolls (armour or invulnerability).

Commander of the Knights Apoplectic, Lady DAKKADAKKADAKKA

The Angry Custodes oldest and most powerful knight, piloted by the originally named Artemis Farber, and was given her... title by the Angry Custodes because of the knight she pilots, a Acastus Knight Porphyrion, the most powerful knight ever made, packing guns which give warhound titans penis envy. Artemis did not start her life as a knight pilot however, she used to be an adeptus mechanicus adept who was employed by the knights original owner along with many other such adepts to maintain the knight porphyrion.

Angry Titans

To date, the Angry Custodes only possess two titans, the two warhound class titans which were guarding the emperors throne room during The Great Fuckening. This violent, procession of profuse profanity not only made the titans beacons of psychic energy, but also gave them true sentience, if you can call wanting to crush all the heretics into pulp and intelligence (and ironic considering that artificial intelligence is one of the most heretical things according to the Imperium). The Angry Custodes don't mind this however, partly due to the the sheer amounts of butt hurt one of these titans could put out, but mostly because they only found out that the two titans were sentient once they'd been put aboard one of the Angry Marine ships and opened up to find that the titans crew were all dead from "first degree profanity burns".

Since then however, the two titans (who now go by the names.....(although the orks see them as "da humies givin praise to da orkiest of da gods, Gork and Mork", to the point that the two titans will also accept being called Gork and Mork/Mork and Gork)) only occasionally kill their crew members, with the only people inside them they won't kill are Mind Fucked Psykers and Sisters of RAEG, the former because the titans really enjoy how the Payless just huddle up in a corner of their crew sections and cry, and the latter because Sisters of RAEG are the only people angrier than an Angry Titan. During transportation of an Angry Titan, the Sisters of RAEG actually take up residence inside it for the duration of the trip, as the two find groups each find the sheer RAEG of the other rather calming, allowing the two to rest, catch up on some reading, maintain their weapons and preparing for the time when they must be ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LIVID WITH ALL OF YOU COCK SUCKING HERETICS AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! The added bonus of this is that the Sisters of RAEG are as far away from everyone else as possible, as even Angry Custodians find Sisters of RAEG unnerving.

Name	M	WS	BS	S	T	W	A	Ld	Sv	Points
Angry Titan	*	*	*	11	9	35	5	8	3+	1700

Remaining W	M	WS	BS	Void Shield
23-35+	24"	4+	2+	4+
16-22	18"	5+	3+	5+
9-15	12"	6+	4+	6+
1-8	2D6"	6+	5+	7+

Titanicus Fuckious Discipline

Although not psykers directly, Angry Titans are usually fielded with one or more Mind Fucked Psykers inside them. This psyker/s are then abused/shouted at/shaken/generally traumatised until they perform the task the titan wants them to do, such as reattaching one of its arms which some douchebag had just chopped off. In some cases, the titanic doesn't even need the psyker on board, simply shouting at its enemies through its onboard loudspeakers can be enough to have the desired effects.

Angry Titans with a Mind Fucked Psyker onboard do not cast/deny spells in a normal manner, instead any spell they cast is automatically cast, but the titan takes d6 mortal wounds and any spells cast within 6" of the titan automatically fail.

Name	Description
MOVE FAGGOTS!!!	Pick a unit (friend or foe) within 24", and move it 6" in any direction, as long as this move doesn't put it inside another unit, terrain or off the board. This move does not count as a move, so does not affect heavy weapons, charging etc, but can move units out of combat with other units, or put them into combat with other units.
I CAST FIST!!!	Cast on any unit (including the titan, but only if it is engaged in melee) within 3". That unit immediately makes a round of melee attacks with whatever unit it is engaged with, ignoring any modifiers that unit may have had (excluding weapon modifiers).
THERE ARE NO BREAKS ON THE RAPE TRAIN!!!	Cast only on a Angry titan within 12". That titan must advance in a straight line, and cannot shoot or make melee attacks until the next turn. However, ever unit the titan advances over/through suffers d6 mortals wounds. If the titans base would finish on top of a unit, move it so that it is in base contact of the titan.