Deathwatch: The Series!
Some series of story that some writefag wrote on Bolter and Chainsword, which was then banhammered for some reason. Warhammer 40k is srsbsns.
Part One
Deathwatch: The Series
Every Hour, On the Hour!
It is the 41st Millennium. For more than a hundred centuries the Emperor has sat immobile, and yadda yadda yadda. Something about you're screwed and things of that nature.
Inquisitor Jon von Drummond: Raka Thunderhoof, how long have you served with me?
Raka: Over a few years, my lord.
JvD: A few? My friend, you are too modest. Anyways, you have been promoted. A new batch of Space Marines have joined our Order. Lead them, train them, and try not to get them killed. You know your duty.
Raka: Aye, I will try. I will make the Ordos Xeno proud!
JvD: I know you will. Now...Why don't I have a color?
Raka: Perhaps...you are not special enough my lord?
JvD: I'm a fraggin' Inquisitor! How is that not special?! Sigh Anyways, let's go meet the new Marines.
They enter a grand hall covered in murals, and other artsy stuff we as readers don't care about
Space Wolf: Pansy Angel! Where's your dress lass?!
Dark Angel: Uncultured swine! Prepare to meet your doom!
Space Wolf: Bring on it! You little lass! Activates chainsword
Raka: What is this?! Stop! Both of you!
Both Space Marines stop, and stare at the new arrival. And then they continue to fight
Dark Angel: Filthy dog!
Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!
Dark Angel: Disgusting grox lover!
Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!
Dark Angel: Weakling puppy!
Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!
Raka: Stop this madness! Holds them apart
JvD: Well...I can tell this is going to be a greeaaaat day.
Raka: Cease your bickering! Save it for the xenogen!
Suddenly the door opens! A Space Marine of the Iron Hands Chapters enters
Iron Hand: Umm...am I in the right place? This is the Deathwatch Orientation Hall right? Not some sort of sick, perverted Dark Angel, Space Wolf love fest right?
Space Wolf: LOVE FEST?! Say that to my face!
Raka: Stop this nonsense! And you! Space Wolf put your groin plate back on!
Space Wolf: Grr...don't sleep Iron Hand.
Dark Angel: Yes, or else this untrained puppy might urinate in your wee little boots!
Iron Hand: Haha! The Dark Angel has charm!
Space Wolf: What?! Puppy?! Urinate?! I'M HOUSE TRAINED DAMNIT! GRR...
Raka: Stop this bickering!
JvD: Oh the Imperium's screwed. I just know it. Mum always said I should have been a pirate.
Gigantic BAM!
Imperial Fist: HERESY! Not while I breathe!
Space Wolf: Imperial Fists? You guys can do something BESIDES sitting on your fat arses?
Iron Hand: Oh ho ho! The wolf has teeth!
Imperial Fist: Buh-Of course! And I do declare, the hairy beast can speak!
Raka: Stop this nonsense! Stand at attention or I will smack thee with the Codex Astartes!
All the Space Marines stand at attention
Pio: Pio Furnac of the Salamanders has arrived for duty! Never fear ladies, for I will put the FIRE in your fair bosoms!
Raka: Fine, whatever. go line up next to them.
Pio: Can I set them aflame?
Raka: Yeah sur-WAIT. What?!
Pio: Nothing Soon my pet, soon Caresses his Flamer lovingly
Julis: Hark the angels sing! It is I, Julius Raseac! Son of Guilliman, the Emperor's finest! I...AM...ULTRAMARINE!
Raka: FINE! I don't give a heretic's ass! Go there, shut up and line up!
Julis: Line up where?
Raka: NEXT TO THEM! THOSE MARINES! SERIOUSLY!
Julis: Ah, I see now.
Raka: mutters Emperor-damned Ultramarines, so many of them. I wish I could kill them all
JvD: We're missing two.
Raka: Who? Hmm...the Blood Angel and the Raven Guard one...I thought I saw one earli-
Raven Guard: I'm right. Steps out of the shadows
Raka: How long were you standing there? And where did that shadow come from? We're in a highly illuminated room! You know what, never mind, my mind can't take any more broken laws of physics that is this universe. Go line up over there.
With a THUNDEROUS BOOM! A red armored figure enters
Raven Guard: Emperor's Toilet! He's paler than me!
Space Wolf: Emperor's Diaherria! His fangs are longer than mine!
Dark Angel: Emperor's Bloody Stools! He's prettier than me!
Julis: Emperor's Untouched Copy of the Codex Astartes! Ultramarines FRIGGIN ROCK!
Everyone just stares, somewhere a cricket dies
Raka: Iron Hand.
Iron Hand: Yes?
Raka: Smack him for me.
Iron Hand: With pleasure Smacks Julius in the back of the head with his metal hand
Raka: Blood Angel line up with them. AHEM I am Raka Thunderhoof, formerly of the White Scars Chapter! I will be your commanding officer as well as your Librarian during your service with the Deathwatch!
Space Wolf: Witchery!
Raka: Piercing GlareAnyways, you will be fighting along these Marines here as one, coherent fighting unit. The militant arm of the Ordos Xenos. Yes?
Dark Angel: I do believe that any squad with a Space Wolf would fail to be "coherent"
Smothered laughter from the others
Space Wolf: WHAT?!
Raka: SILENCE! <Casts Piercing Glare> Now, I am sure each of you, have been sent to me by your Chapters for a good reason. Tell me, for I am a Librarian, and naturally curious. Like...a curious monkey named George.
Pio: I burned innocents.
Space Wolf: I drank all the booze, screwed all the women, and cut down innocents.
Dark Angel: I shot innocents.
Blood Angel: I bit innocents.
Imperial Fist: I built a wall that I blew up with a Demolisher cannon, that was made up of innocents.
Raven Guard: I stabbed innocents.
Julis: I kept a termagaunt as a pet back on Macragge, and then it killed innocents. What? Fluffy was nice to me!
Raka: Okay...is there ANYONE who didn't kill an innocent?
Iron Hand: I did not, Brother Librarian.
Raka: Oh good, I thought I was leading a penal legion for a secon-
Iron Hand: I fed innocents to the fire drakes.
Raka: <Casts Piercing Glare>
JvD: Wow. I'm an Inquisitor of the Ordos Xenos right? Not some warden of a penal legion right?
Raka: Yes, Inquisitor.
JvD: All righty then, just checking to make sure.
Raka: Since all of your are horrendously psychotic, I will divvy you up into pairs. Your partner will be your bunk mate, your battle-brother, to the extreme! Now sound off!
Raziel: Veteran Raziel of the Dark Angels.
Iruel: Apothecary Iruel of the Blood Angels.
Stern: Howzer Stern of the Imperial Fists.
Bloodfang: Grey Hunter Hurin Bloodfang of the Space Wolves.
Pollux: Ferrus Pollux of the Iron Hands.
Skarr: Skarr Blackfeather of the Raven Guard.
Pio: Pio Furnac of the Salamanders.
Julis: Hark the angels sing! It is I, Julius Raseac! Son of Guilliman, the Emperor's finest! I...AM...ULTRAMARINE!
Raka: Pollux?
Pollux: Smacks Julius upside the head
Raka: Raziel, Hurin Bloodfang you two are bunkmates.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Raka: Silence. Iruel, Pollux you are together. Julius and Skarr. Pio and Stern, you are one. Now go find your damn room, and let me get some sanity back in my head!
JvD: Welcome to the Deathwatch. Killing Xenos every hour, on the hour!