Deathwatch: The Series!
Some series of story that some writefag wrote on Bolter and Chainsword, which was then banhammered for some reason. Warhammer 40k is srsbsns.
Part One
Deathwatch: The Series
Every Hour, On the Hour!
It is the 41st Millennium. For more than a hundred centuries the Emperor has sat immobile, and yadda yadda yadda. Something about you're screwed and things of that nature.
Inquisitor Jon von Drummond: Raka Thunderhoof, how long have you served with me?
Raka: Over a few years, my lord.
JvD: A few? My friend, you are too modest. Anyways, you have been promoted. A new batch of Space Marines have joined our Order. Lead them, train them, and try not to get them killed. You know your duty.
Raka: Aye, I will try. I will make the Ordos Xeno proud!
JvD: I know you will. Now...Why don't I have a color?
Raka: Perhaps...you are not special enough my lord?
JvD: I'm a fraggin' Inquisitor! How is that not special?! Sigh Anyways, let's go meet the new Marines.
They enter a grand hall covered in murals, and other artsy stuff we as readers don't care about
Space Wolf: Pansy Angel! Where's your dress lass?!
Dark Angel: Uncultured swine! Prepare to meet your doom!
Space Wolf: Bring on it! You little lass! Activates chainsword
Raka: What is this?! Stop! Both of you!
Both Space Marines stop, and stare at the new arrival. And then they continue to fight
Dark Angel: Filthy dog!
Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!
Dark Angel: Disgusting grox lover!
Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!
Dark Angel: Weakling puppy!
Space Wolf: Dress wearing girl!
Raka: Stop this madness! Holds them apart
JvD: Well...I can tell this is going to be a greeaaaat day.
Raka: Cease your bickering! Save it for the xenogen!
Suddenly the door opens! A Space Marine of the Iron Hands Chapters enters
Iron Hand: Umm...am I in the right place? This is the Deathwatch Orientation Hall right? Not some sort of sick, perverted Dark Angel, Space Wolf love fest right?
Space Wolf: LOVE FEST?! Say that to my face!
Raka: Stop this nonsense! And you! Space Wolf put your groin plate back on!
Space Wolf: Grr...don't sleep Iron Hand.
Dark Angel: Yes, or else this untrained puppy might urinate in your wee little boots!
Iron Hand: Haha! The Dark Angel has charm!
Space Wolf: What?! Puppy?! Urinate?! I'M HOUSE TRAINED DAMNIT! GRR...
Raka: Stop this bickering!
JvD: Oh the Imperium's screwed. I just know it. Mum always said I should have been a pirate.
Gigantic BAM!
Imperial Fist: HERESY! Not while I breathe!
Space Wolf: Imperial Fists? You guys can do something BESIDES sitting on your fat arses?
Iron Hand: Oh ho ho! The wolf has teeth!
Imperial Fist: Buh-Of course! And I do declare, the hairy beast can speak!
Raka: Stop this nonsense! Stand at attention or I will smack thee with the Codex Astartes!
All the Space Marines stand at attention
Pio: Pio Furnac of the Salamanders has arrived for duty! Never fear ladies, for I will put the FIRE in your fair bosoms!
Raka: Fine, whatever. go line up next to them.
Pio: Can I set them aflame?
Raka: Yeah sur-WAIT. What?!
Pio: Nothing Soon my pet, soon Caresses his Flamer lovingly
Julis: Hark the angels sing! It is I, Julius Raseac! Son of Guilliman, the Emperor's finest! I...AM...ULTRAMARINE!
Raka: FINE! I don't give a heretic's ass! Go there, shut up and line up!
Julis: Line up where?
Raka: NEXT TO THEM! THOSE MARINES! SERIOUSLY!
Julis: Ah, I see now.
Raka: mutters Emperor-damned Ultramarines, so many of them. I wish I could kill them all
JvD: We're missing two.
Raka: Who? Hmm...the Blood Angel and the Raven Guard one...I thought I saw one earli-
Raven Guard: I'm right. Steps out of the shadows
Raka: How long were you standing there? And where did that shadow come from? We're in a highly illuminated room! You know what, never mind, my mind can't take any more broken laws of physics that is this universe. Go line up over there.
With a THUNDEROUS BOOM! A red armored figure enters
Raven Guard: Emperor's Toilet! He's paler than me!
Space Wolf: Emperor's Diaherria! His fangs are longer than mine!
Dark Angel: Emperor's Bloody Stools! He's prettier than me!
Julis: Emperor's Untouched Copy of the Codex Astartes! Ultramarines FRIGGIN ROCK!
Everyone just stares, somewhere a cricket dies
Raka: Iron Hand.
Iron Hand: Yes?
Raka: Smack him for me.
Iron Hand: With pleasure Smacks Julius in the back of the head with his metal hand
Raka: Blood Angel line up with them. AHEM I am Raka Thunderhoof, formerly of the White Scars Chapter! I will be your commanding officer as well as your Librarian during your service with the Deathwatch!
Space Wolf: Witchery!
Raka: Piercing GlareAnyways, you will be fighting along these Marines here as one, coherent fighting unit. The militant arm of the Ordos Xenos. Yes?
Dark Angel: I do believe that any squad with a Space Wolf would fail to be "coherent"
Smothered laughter from the others
Space Wolf: WHAT?!
Raka: SILENCE! <Casts Piercing Glare> Now, I am sure each of you, have been sent to me by your Chapters for a good reason. Tell me, for I am a Librarian, and naturally curious. Like...a curious monkey named George.
Pio: I burned innocents.
Space Wolf: I drank all the booze, screwed all the women, and cut down innocents.
Dark Angel: I shot innocents.
Blood Angel: I bit innocents.
Imperial Fist: I built a wall that I blew up with a Demolisher cannon, that was made up of innocents.
Raven Guard: I stabbed innocents.
Julis: I kept a termagaunt as a pet back on Macragge, and then it killed innocents. What? Fluffy was nice to me!
Raka: Okay...is there ANYONE who didn't kill an innocent?
Iron Hand: I did not, Brother Librarian.
Raka: Oh good, I thought I was leading a penal legion for a secon-
Iron Hand: I fed innocents to the fire drakes.
Raka: <Casts Piercing Glare>
JvD: Wow. I'm an Inquisitor of the Ordos Xenos right? Not some warden of a penal legion right?
Raka: Yes, Inquisitor.
JvD: All righty then, just checking to make sure.
Raka: Since all of your are horrendously psychotic, I will divvy you up into pairs. Your partner will be your bunk mate, your battle-brother, to the extreme! Now sound off!
Raziel: Veteran Raziel of the Dark Angels.
Iruel: Apothecary Iruel of the Blood Angels.
Stern: Howzer Stern of the Imperial Fists.
Bloodfang: Grey Hunter Hurin Bloodfang of the Space Wolves.
Pollux: Ferrus Pollux of the Iron Hands.
Skarr: Skarr Blackfeather of the Raven Guard.
Pio: Pio Furnac of the Salamanders.
Julis: Hark the angels sing! It is I, Julius Raseac! Son of Guilliman, the Emperor's finest! I...AM...ULTRAMARINE!
Raka: Pollux?
Pollux: Smacks Julius upside the head
Raka: Raziel, Hurin Bloodfang you two are bunkmates.
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
Raka: Silence. Iruel, Pollux you are together. Julius and Skarr. Pio and Stern, you are one. Now go find your damn room, and let me get some sanity back in my head!
JvD: Welcome to the Deathwatch. Killing Xenos every hour, on the hour!
Part Two
Deathwatch: The Series!
Every Hour, on the Hour!
Written by Leethal of B&C
If you can't read Skarr Blackfeather's words, and there a few lines, I'd suggest highlighting them, or suggesting another damn color that is "Raven Guard-y".
Thought of the Day: Green Eggs and Ham. Colorful euphemism for the ancient Catachan delicacy of Ork meat and other certain parts of the Ork anatomy.
Narrator: *Gags* Ugh, that's disgusting! I think I'm gonna throw up.......
And now we return to our somewhat sporadic evening schedule. Stayed tuned for the news! Is there an exeterminatus coming to your planet? Stay tuned after the show to find out!
Raka Thunderhoof: Inquisitor, I'm surprised that no one has died yet.
Inq. Jun von Drummond: It's...only been 17 minutes sincie they left this room.
Raka Thunderhoof: Exactly. The sounds of battle can be heard
JvD: That better be an ork Waaagh, or I'm going to be disappointed in something.
Raka Thunderhoof: You know? I'm tired of sighing, lets go check the secret cameras. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!?!? Raziel PUT THAT DOWN!!
JvD: He can't hear you, you know.
Raka Thunderhoof: Dude! He's smashing your autographed portrait of Eisenhorn over the Space Wolf's head!
JvD: WHAT?! STOP THEM! I CAN'T GET ANOTHER ONE! WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHERE EISENHORN IS NOW?! IT'S UNREPLACABLE!!!
07:23, 17 December 2010 (UTC)Elsewhere07:23, 17 December 2010 (UTC)~
Ferrus Pollux: I'm just saying, that having a bionic hand is really cool! With it's turbo action and you can pick those really hard places where a normal pinky cant! And get those annoying boogers out!
Iruel: Bionics are fine, BUT WHY IN THE EMPEROR'S ETERNAL GRACE WOULD YOU CHOP OFF A PERFECTLY GOOD HAND?!?!
07:23, 17 December 2010 (UTC)Umm...Change Scene!07:23, 17 December 2010 (UTC)
Raziel: Come on you dog, you fight like a Guardsman!
Hurin Bloodfang: I will drink your blood! Awhooo!
Much smashing, crashing, smashing, smashing, crunching, and pain
07:23, 17 December 2010 (UTC)~I hate this job07:23, 17 December 2010 (UTC)
Howzer Stern: My, my my. What a BEAUTIFUL rendering and sculpture scale model of the Phalanx, and look it has working lights. 'Eavy Metal eat your hearts out. I'm so proud.
Pio Furnac: BURN BABY BURN! FAWHOOOOOOOOOOSH!
Howzer Stern: NO! OH THAT'S IT! I HAD IT WITH YOU! GET BACK HERE! I WILL END YOU! YOU...YOU...UNSUPERVISED CHILD IN A HOBBY STORE! END YOU!!!!
Pio Furnac: Bwahahahahahaha! Look at the pretty flames!
07:23, 17 December 2010 (UTC)And the Emperor spake, "Holy crap, THESE are Space Marines now?!07:23, 17 December 2010 (UTC)
Julis: Skarr? Where'd you go? I'm not done reading the Codex Astartes with full directors commentary by Roboute Guilliman himself! Skarr? Skarr Blackfeather?
Skarr Blackfeather: Nevermore... Silently cuts his wrists to escape the pain that is Ultramarine
DA INTERCOM: Raka Thunderhoof's horribly trained, horribly pyschotic Kill Team report to training bay 17.
After much getting lost, fighting, bickering, and the maiming of a poor soul, they arrive....a few hours late
Raka Thunderhoof: We will have our first training session. It's an easy one, so don't frag it up! Piercing Glare Hurin Bloodfang! What is an ork?!
Hurin Bloodfang: Xenogen scum.
Raka Thunderhoof: WRONG! THAT IS SO WROOOOOOOOONG! An ork is a spore-creature, and not that SPORE Creature, not those, vaguely phallic shaped creatures, but a spore-creature. With a hyphen! They spread their numbers by spores, creating more orks! They are mean and green and smash you up!
Raziel: Like me
Raka Thunderhoof: Wipe that smug look! I have a surprise for you today! The Ordos has seen fit to capture some orks for you to kill! WHAT POLLUX?!?!
Ferrus Pollux: We dont have weapons.
Raka Thunderhoof: Aww realy? You're a SPACE MARINE for Emperor's sake! Punch them! Spit acid!
Skarr Blackfeather: Umm...I can't spit acid.
Raka Thunderhoof: Fine,kick them then! Now...here is a diagram of the ork's weaknesses. Study it well. Now you know.
Reveals a crude stick figure drawing in green with a face with teeth. There are red circles around it's limbs, face, torso, and groin
Iruel: ....Wow, I totally agree with the Librarian. By studying this, i f we're EVER attacked by green stick figures, we know how to win!
Raka Thunderhoof: Is that sarcasm, I detect? IMPROVISE! The Emperor in all his wisdom gave you a brain! Use it! Iruel! Enter the cage! For your snarky attitude you may face the Ork first!
Iruel: Craaaaaaaaaaaaaap. Enters the cage
Ork: WAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Charges
Iruel raises Reducator and punches the Ork's brain out
Iruel: Umm...I win?
Raka Thunderhoof: ....Julius! You're next!
Julis: Yes my leige. Let me consult the Codex Astartes on how to handle Orks. The Codex states that I should shoot the Ork. Librarian Raka, may I have a bolter?
Raka Thunderhoof: WHAT?! NO! I'm teaching you how to handle an ork in close combat without weapons! Get in the cage Ultramarine!
Julis: But the Codex states!
Raka Thunderhoof: The Codex won't save you now! Presses button
Ork: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Julis: Die! <Raises Imaginary Bolter> Bang! Bang! Bang!
Ork: Waaaghagha! Da Smurfie's a funnie onez! Attacks!
Julis: It won't die! Bang! Bang! Bang! I'm out of ammo! Draws an imaginary bolt pistol out of his imaginary holster Bang! Bang! Bang!
Hurin Bloodfang: Punch him laddie! Punch it!
Ork: Waaaaaagh!
CRASH
Julis: The Codex Astartes is so...shiny........
Pio Furnac: Boy's lost his brain.
Skarr Blackfeather: Ultramarines have brains?
Everyone: Ahahahahahahaha!
Raka Thunderhoof: Fight him! Fight back Ultramarine! You're a fragging Space Marine!
Julis: I have to reload my bolter daddy...
Raka Thunderhoof: Daddy? What the ****?!
Julis: Oooh! Birdies! Falls unconcious
Howzer Stern: Well, that was by far the most pathetic thing I ever saw.
Hurin Bloodfang: Aye.
Raziel: So THIS is why the Ultramarines lost their First Company to a bunch of bugs!
Ferrus Pollux: Yup, pretty pathetic.
Pio Furnac climbs into the cage
Pio Furnac: Come beast, come meeteth your destroyer! Have at thee heathen beast!
Ork: Waaaaaaagh!
Pio Furnac: SHORYUKEN!!!!!!!
Ork's head flies off
Space Marines: WHAT THE ****??!?!1/1/!?!1/1?11111oneone11!!!
Pio Furnac: That's RIGHT! You DON'T screw with DA SALAMANDAAAAA! WHOO!!
Raziel: Raise your hands if you think that was beyond messed up. Raises hand, followed by everyone else
Raka Thunderhoof: Iruel, go check on the Ultramarine.
JvD on DA INTERCOM!: Did he just uppercut the Ork's head off??!?!!
Raka Thunderhoof: Umm...yes.
JvD on DA INTERCOM!: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. No wonder no one plays Salamanders! They are nuckin' futs! How do you uppercut an Ork's head straight off?! HOW?! He doesn't even have a powerfist! My...my...my mind is boggled.
Narrator AKA Leethal AKA The Ninth Chaos God! AKA Saint of Saints, and etc : That's all for episode 2 Will Pio furnac continue to uppercut everyone's heads off?! Find out next week!
Pio Furnac: Damn straight, don't **** with me!
Howzer Stern: Did you just turn black?
Pio Furnac: What son?! You gonna do somethin' bout it?
Howzer Stern: umm...No, um I think I here my mother calling.
Pio Furnac: You don't have a mother!
Part Three
Deathwatch: The Series! Every Hour, on the Hour!
Written by Leethal of B&C
Thought of the Day: “Sanguinus! What’s Horus’s power level?!” “OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAND!” “WHAT NINE THOUSAND?!”
Raka Thunderhoof: Prepare for a combat drop! Raziel: Why? What’s wrong with chillin’? Raka Thunderhoof: The Tau are annoying the Imperium! Howzer Stern: What’s a Tau? Hurin Bloodfang: Blue xenofish with ridiculous looking vechiles and weapons. Oh and when you cut them, they bleed blue. Howzer Stern: Really? Blue, huh? Hurin Bloodfang: Serious. No joking. Howzer Stern: But, THAT’S RIDICULOUS! Raka Thunderhoof: Exactly. These Tau have subjugated too many of the Emperor’s loyal followers. The main source of the immediate fall of these followers lies in the Guardsmen. They have forsaken their oaths to the Emperor and accepted a Xenos force as their savior. At the head of these traitorous scum is General Chambers, also know as the Arch-Fiend. Our job is to capture him and kill as many traitors and xenogeny as possible. Our secondary objective is to kill this Tau commander. Raises two pictures Raziel: All Tau look alike though. Raka Thunderhoof: Exactly. That’s why we will just kill every xenogeny scum you see! The Emperor knows who is who, SOMEHOW. Now most of the armed opposition will be the Fire Caste. The Warriors of the Tau Race, also known as Fire Warriors. Yes Iruel? Iruel: How are we getting there? Raka Thunderhoof: Undercover insertion. Five miles from the main encampment. We will be extracted by Thunderhawk. Howzer Stern: Collateral damage? Raka Thunderhoof: The Emperor will know his own. What Julius? Julius Raseac: The Codex Astartes states to win the hearts and minds of the- Raka Thunderhoof: Ferrus? Ferrus Pollux: Aye. Smacks Julius Raka Thunderhoof: Good job. Board the Droppod boys!
TheWorstEver 07:23, 17 December 2010 (UTC)Droppods are raining down on my hea-*SQUISH*TheWorstEver 07:23, 17 December 2010 (UTC)
Raziel: It’s raining dropods on my head, it doesn’t matter- Iruel: Stop. Seriously. Raziel: Quiet pretty boy. Skarr Blackfeather: I can’t see why I can’t get a Jumppack. Iruel: Me too! I want one too! Raka Thunderhoof: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Ferrus Pollux: Umm….Sir? Raka Thunderhoof: WHAT?! Ferrus Pollux: Is there supposed to be a giant yellow battle suit flying next to us? Raka Thunderhoof: No….why? Ferrus Pollux: Oh, because there’s one flying next to us. Raka Thunderhoof: WHAT?!!??!
Ka-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
Raziel: Upon fiery pinions the Dark Angel descends! Hurin Bloodfang: I’m not meant to fly!! AAAAH! Iruel: JUMP PACKS!!!! Julius Raseac: The Codex Astartes states- Raka Thunderhoof: POLLUX! Ferrus Pollux: ON IT! Smacks Julius upside the head Julius Raseac: Ow! That hurt! Raka Thunderhoof: BRACE YOURSELVES!!!
CRASH! ZOMFG! CLIFF HANGER! Not really. But…BOOM!
Raka Thunderhoof: Alright boys! Assuming you are all not dead, we have a tactical advantage! The xenos think we’re dead! Out of the dro…ppod…Damn. Iruel: Wow, that’s a lot of xenos. Julius Raseac: The Codex states- Hurin Bloodfang: CHARGE! Pio Furnac: BURN ! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Howzer Stern: Librarian! Use your powers! Raka Thunderhoof: I only have Piercing Glare! Howzer Stern: WHAT?! HOW ARE YOU A LIBRARIAN!? Raka Thunderhoof: SHUTUP! KILL THE TAU!
TheWorstEverGigantic barrage of pulse fire~~
Raka Thunderhoof: BACK IN THE DROPPOD! Damn Str 5 hurts! Raziel: I’ll say! Why did we follow the two most insane members of the kill team and charge? Pio Furnac: Racist. Raziel: What? Pio Furnac: You hear me, you nazi. Raziel: WHAT?!?! Raka Thunderhoof: Shut up, both of you. Ferrus Pollux: How can a Librarian only have stupid power like that?! Can’t every White Scar Marine stare like that? Seriously! Raka Thunderhoof: I can only cast that and Burning Man. Pio Furnac: Sounds kinky. What’s Burning Man? Raka Thunderhoof: I become covered in fire. Pio Furnac: AWESOME! Iruel: Can you shoot fire? Raka Thunderhoof: No. Raziel: Can you light people on fire? Raka Thunderhoof: No. Ferrus Pollux: What can you do? Raka Thunderhoof: Become a giant human torch. Howzer Stern: That’s lame. Pio Furnac: WHAT?! THAT’S FRIGGIN AWESOME! Hurin Bloodfang: In case you guys haven’t noticed or cared, where’s Skarr? Julius Raseac: The Codex states- Raka Thunderhoof: Shut up. Julius look outside. Julius Raseac: WHAT?! Why me? Raka Thunderhoof: Multiple reasons. If you die, you do not hurt the moral of the team, nor fighting efficiency. And you annoy me. Julius Raseac: But I’m an Ultramarine! We do great deeds on the field of battle! Not look around! Raziel: Exactly! This mission calls for ultra-peek! Only you can ultra-peek! Our survival depends on you! Julius Raseac: Oh! Why didn’t you guys just say so? Looks over the battered edge of the Droppod Raziel: Like taking candy from a baby. Ferrus Pollux: A retarded baby. Hurin Bloodfang: With no arms. Howzer Stern: Or eyes. Raka Thunderhoof: In a coma. Pio Furnac: ON FIRE!!!!! Iruel: Way to kill the joke. Pio Furnac: Too much? Raka Thunderhoof: Yes. Julius Raseac: Hey guys? Raziel: Aren’t you dead yet? Julius Raseac: No, but Skar’’s outside. Raka Thunderhoof: Is his body mangled up beyond all reasonable doubt and dead? Julius Raseac: No, but the Tau are like that. Iruel: Wait, what did you say? Raziel: ….Uhh… Looks over the edge Raziel: SERIOUSLY! What the frag!? Everyone looks out Skarr Blackfeather: Oh hai guys! Dis is mah power pose! Takes a katana out of a Broadside Raka Thunderhoof: Did he just… Ferrus Pollux: Kill all the Tau? Raziel: SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FRAG?! Skarr Blackfeather: What? I just told them it was for the greater good, and they let me kill them. The sound of eight jaws hitting the ground is heard