Hassan
Hassan, also known as Crazy Hassan, is a used camel salesman. He's about average build with dark skin and silver teeth dot his broad smile; he wears dusty robes. Atop his head is a turban and atop his turban is a fez. Some say he's a universal singularity, other say he's a time traveler (What do you think powers the TARDIS?). What we do know is that whenever you are in need of cheap and affordable transport, Hassan's tent will be there. Although the customers may be baffled to see him, he will nonetheless try (and succeed) to sell them camels and camel-related accessories. He will usually throw in a pack of dates and other seemingly unrelated items like a jacket that's about a size too big for anyone who receives it. Every customer that is visited by Hassan leaves with a camel, whether they wanted one or not.
The most peculiar thing about Hassan's business is that he will conduct it anywhere. He operates mostly in the desert, but can (and will) show up in tundra, north pole, grasslands, sea shores and other terrain types. Always with camels.
His camels themselves are equally mysterious. As far as anyone has been able to discern from them, they are indeed regular Camelus Dromedarius. He may carry other breeds as well if asked, however there is nothing special or magical about them. But when Hassan sells you a camel, it will perform exactly to his specifications.
Hassan also has a wife. Some say she's a princess, or a queen. Others say she's a desert beauty, rescued by Hassan himself from a life in a Harem. She herself is part of the mystery surrounding Hassan's presence. She is a skilled rider of many mounting beasts, not just camels and her beauty is beyond compare.
Writefaggotry
Do I need a camel?
Of course you need camel! Everyone need camel! I am Crazy Hassan, and I have a used camel specially for YOU! Camels last twice as long as horses, drink a third of the water, and just between you and me, look very nice. But come, you must see my camels! A camel for all situations and all permutations! You are stuck in space? I have space camel! Comes with it's own helmet and rocket! Buy now, I'll throw in bottle of fresh, best-quality air for free! Need to cross the ocean? Aqua-camel! Comes with its own waterwings! Great bargain - you buy the body and two legs, I'll throw in another two legs FREE! I have sold camels to everyone! No complaints! Tell your friends, tell your family! Bargain camels, almost never used! Ah, that one spit on you, it must like you!
And remember, ALWAYS SHOP AT CRAAAAAZY HASSAN'S FOR ALL YOUR CAMEL NEEDS!!
Hassan Stories
"So I sent my idiot brother to town the other day to buy a cow. Only problem? He passes Crazy Hassan's on the way into town. The moron came back two hours later with a camel, painted white with black spots. Praise Pelor I didn't send him after a dozen chickens..."
"I decided to climb a mountain once. After a few weeks of grueling toil, I reach the top, and who's there? It's motherfucking Crazy Hassan. He says something about trying to breed his camels with the local goats to toughen them up, but apparently his camels were tougher already. Then he gets on his personal camel and barrels the fuck down the mountainside, hollering the entire way. I think his camel pissed on the absolute peak, too."
"There was a time when I would only ride Thoroughbred Arabian Stallions. Things change when you see a man do Thriller in the middle of a desert with a herd of camels."
"We showed up at the port to find that pretty much every ship was destroyed during a storm. At first it seemed like there was no way to get across the ocean. We went to town anyways to find a tavern and rethink our plan when we stumbled across Crazy Hassan's tent. He burst out like he knew we were coming. He tells us he's got sea camels. We look over and there are six camels with snorkels and flippers. If it were anyone else we'd have them admitted, but Hassan's never lied to us before. I just wished they smelled better when they're wet. The Date air freshener doesn't work all that well."
"I once went to crazy hassan's for a camel, and he sold me what looked like a very poor fake camel, with two men inside.
So, I unzipped the camel, and as I expected. Two men, pretending to be a camel.
Enraged, I went back to Crazy Hassan, and confronted him about this fuckery. He made no reply. He simply unzipped the men to reveal two camels, pretending to be men pretending to be a camel."