Heretical Love

The following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.

"In the grim darkness of the future, there is only war… and sweet xeno love."

A quest thread on /tg/ started by the user Papa-N (!!94V8GGifJkU), it concerns the last Guardsman left on the planet of Yagis V.

Introducing Maximus Decarus, Pimp of the Imperium.

Oh yes, it's that kind of quest thread. Cut, organised and ribbed for extra reading pleasure.

Exploits so far have included (but are not limited to) fighting a fish-god, besting Doomrider in a motorcycle joust, charging Abaddon the Despoiler with a knife, being killed by (and then subsequently sleeping with) a group of Daemonettes, soloing a Defiler and surfing the chaos of the warp with the Big E himself.

Papa-N has also become (in)famous for trolling his loving public with alternate story endings, or bizarre tangents. These are listed at the bottom. They are extra heretical. You have been warned.

Next Thread

Since the story is still ongoing, Papa-N created a Twitter which he will use to say when the next thread is.

You can find it here: http://twitter.com/#hereticalloveQ

This article contains PROMOTIONS! Don't say we didn't warn you.

THE STORY

Thread 1: IT'S HERESY TIME

You are Inquisitor Maximus Decarus, feared by xeno and heretic alike. You leave fried Orks and charred Eldar in the wake of your fleet’s exterminatus as you sail about the stars in the Emperors name.

Haha, just kidding, you are Max Decarus, lowly trooper in the Emprah’s imperial guard. Orks don’t seem to notice your lasgun and the last Eldar you saw wiped out half of your squad and insulted your mother. You were just a boot when your landing ship touched down on Yagis V, and you have quickly ascended nothing in rank by your heroic deeds of fleeing and being lucky enough to stay out of the Commisar’s sights.

Today… Today isn’t much different.

You feebly fire your glorified laser pointer in the general direction of a horde of charging Orks, you don’t need to aim, you would have to try to miss. It’s not like hitting them does much anyways.

A Monolith appears suddenly to your left, just warped on in. From where is anyone’s guess. “Thank the Empruh, spess muhreens!” You hear a guardsman cry out, voice mystified with adoration. Sure enough, six of the Emprah’s finest waltz up behind your position, sizing up the Monolith. “FOR THA EMPROOOOAAAARRRR!!!” They howl simultaneously as they bound over the low barricade protecting you from shootah fire. The space marines charge out, waving chainswords menacingly and looking fierce. The Monolith doesn’t even move as gauss fire obliterates every last astartes. Welp…

You have to believe the stories of the space marines are if nothing else, highly exaggerated. This is the second time you’ve seen those blue suited bastards scream litanies and charge to their doom. The first time at a Chaos Titan of all things…

“We are so fucked.” You groan as Chaos Daemons start warping in between you and the Orks. At least they have nice tits… Purple and attached to warp beasts who would enjoy little more than ripping you apart. But still, you didn’t know Daemonettes were stacked. A Fire Prism from out of nowhere busies itself with hammering away at your squad, as quite obviously you are the real threat here. You, huddling low and shaking in your “armor”. Some Fire Warriors show up and start blasting away as well, sure why the fuck not, one giant “kill some guardsmen” party… Hours later you somehow pull yourself from under a pile of rubble and Orks, seeing no one around. There is a Vox nearby, and you give it a try. “Guys?” you ask quietly. Up in the dark sky you see the Imperial Cruiser you arrived in snap in half as an Ork ship just rams on through it. “…Guys?” “…” No response, just static. All of this because this planet was home to a power fist that for whatever reason the machine cult had been worshipping for millennia… Well at least the Armory is nearby, so you scrounge for some equipment.

You find an unused Commissar uniform. Some call me the Commisar of Love. *BLAM* The hat is probably the coolest thing ever, the sword and pistol are both pretty sweet, but this fucking hat, seriously. You are too busy flexing and posing in a mirror to notice a servo skull float up behind you. The skull beeps and you whirl around, flailing your new sword and busting a cap as you pop off rounds. Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuthin to fuck wit. “Oh, it’s just you…” You are glad no one was around to see you.

The skull scans you and must think you really are a Commisar because it starts playing a message. You listen intently as it lays out tactical data for all the Xenos here. Interesting. A nearby Vox rattles out a quick message, identifying itself as a sister of battle. The Mechanicus command is nearby as well. Well there isn’t much else to do, may as well check out some of these leads. Who knows, maybe you can find some help or even a way off this rock… Or get your knob slobbed, it could happen.

Many Guardsmen mistakenly believe that the Sisters of Battle are allies that can be trusted entirely. What they fail to realize is that often times a Sister is just as likely to roast you for even a whiff of heresy as they are to help you. They also have a VERY broad and often convoluted definition of heresy. For this reason, you approach the rhino transport with utmost caution. True, you did track the broadcast to this vehicle, but you don’t trust a Sorita unless she is far separated from the nearest incineration device. You clear your throat and knock on the rear hatch of the transport.

“Sister of Battle, this is Commisar Decarus, are you in there?” A jet of fire almost engulfs you, missing by nigh more than a foot. You dive out of the way as another firing port opens right in front of your face. The ramp drops with a thud and a Sorita comes screaming out, chainsword roaring and fire bursting all around her. Only after several moments does she slow to a stop, gazing around hawkishly, as her flamer dies down. “Am I still alive?” You ask, having ducked and covered as you had learned to do. Her eyes snap to you and you feel them burning as hot as her flamer, as though boring into your very being. You know she is eyeing you for any glimpse of heresy, you pray she doesn’t pick up on any. If she does, you might be lucky enough to garner a quick death via chansword rather than a drawn out burning ordeal. Though likely not.

“Die heretic!” “No, fuck you, you crazy bolter bitch, I’m not a heretiiicccccc!!!” You howl as you dodge yet another slash of her chainsword. She’s fast, too fast, and in her armor far stronger than you are. The sword comes back around just after you dodged, you don’t have time to avoid it this time. You throw up your hands in some kind of pitiful defense. The roaring implement of demise slashes down toward you, is this it? Is this how you end up? Cut to pieces on some xeno world by a cute but slightly crazy “ally”?

An instant before the chainsword crashes home into your soft, fleshy frame, a blinding golden light flashes. The chainsword flys out of the Sorita’s hand and lands in the dirt yards away. She blinks at you, clearly in shock. “It must be a sign…” She whispers, and she kneels in quick prayer. You get up off the ground and dust off your hat. You aren’t sure what happened, but if it hadn’t you would be dead. In the flash of light, you swear you glimpsed a golden pauldron of some kind. But that isn’t possible, you must have just been seeing things.

You squirm a bit under her gaze, which doesn’t let up as her face draws ever closer… “Hmph, something saved you today, the Emprah must be watching over you. Still, I can’t ignore such an obvious sign.” She sets down her weapons and takes a seat on a piece of rubble, sighing as she does so.

You can’t help but notice, even for a Sorita, she is really damn cute. She sports a shorter cut of the Sister’s standard white hair, though with the addition of a small purity seal hair pin. Her face is smooth, and she sports a small inqusitiorial tattoo under her left eye, which is blue. You notice her right eye, in comparison, is green. Admittedly however, you have a hard time concentrating on any of these details. After all, you’ve never been this close to a Sorita, especially one with such massive sweater squiggies, who also tried to kill you. Emprah be praised, sometimes this grim and dark universe offers a brief reprieve of bliss. Though the grimdark of the fact you almost got flayed still has you pretty shaken up.

“S-s-s-so, w-w-w-what are you doing here?” Your voice is shaky, must be the adrenaline. You sit down and put your hat on your lap to cover up your massive erection, must be the adrenaline, maybe. She looks you over again before answering, the steel in her eyes still very apparent. She doesn’t trust you, and you can’t exactly blame her. Golden flashes of light and all. “I got separated from my sisters when the Chaos Marines hit our position, the defiler they brought with them overwhelmed our zeal, we clearly were not faithful enough.” She looks at her hands dejectedly, as though disgusted with herself.

“Do you have any idea what in the name of the Emprah is happening here? I mean, how many of our forces are left, how screwed are we?” You ask, placing the hat back on your head. She looks back at you and shrugs. “You probably know most of it. Our troops are scattered at best, the guard is more or less wiped out, and the space marines… well…” she trails off, looking annoyed. “Did they charge another Titan and or Monolith?” “A Knarloc…” She says through her double facepalm.

Your foot feels itchy and restless, you rub at it through your boot absent mindedly. “So what your trying to tell me, is we are pretty screwed?” She shrugs in her armor, lowering her hands. “The guard and astartes perhaps, but I know my Sisters are alive and bolstering their strength, I just know it!” She suddenly looks hopeful, the fire back in her eyes. It’s not like you have much going on anyway. “Want me to help you find them, your sisters I mean? I’m sure they are just fine.” She stands up and walks over to you, placing one of her gauntleted hands on your shoulder. “I’m glad to hear it, I’ll accept your help Commissar.” She beams at you before slowly looking away, averting her eyes. You notice she is blushing a bit as she rubs her lip with a finger. “…and I’m sorry I tried to purge you.” You barely hear her. Your heart is pounding in your ears being this close to her. You might need to move your hat again, damn adrenaline. She suddenly spins around and pumps a fist. “All right, let us venture forth and find my Sisters!” The sudden change snaps you out of your dreamy state.

“Huzzzzah!” you yell as you drive your boot into her backside She yelps in surprise and spins around, glaring at you, teeth bared in rage. “That’s for trying to flay me without even having a POSSIBLE REASON as to why I was somehow a heretic.” You shout at her. Her temper briefly flares but suddenly subsides and she nods. “I’ve rightly earned that, perhaps my zeal was… ah… too hot this day.” “Damn right it was…” You mutter as you cross your arms. “Anyways, where exactly are we headed?” You ask. She looks at you quizzically. “I thought perhaps you knew, Commissar. As the Emperor’s hand seems to rest on your shoulder this day.” You don’t say anything, it’s evident neither of you have any idea where to go.

""Grab my hand and spin with me sister!" You yell, outstretching your hand toward her. "Wh-what?" She asks, taking a step back and perhaps re-evaluating your level of heresy. You dive in and snatch her hand, pulling her in close to you. Your eyes meet and in that moment of primordial passion you begin to spin. Faster and faster you go, where you'll wind up nobody knows.

"TO THE SKIES!" You bellow suddenly, stopping the spin. "Huh?" The surprised Sorita gasps. You pull her to a nearby Valkerie, and together you clamor inside. "Do you uh... Know how to drive one of these?" You stop pushing buttons and flipping switches to look over at her for a moment. "No I do not, and knowing is half the battle." With a lurch the Valkerie lifts off and jets away, as you cruise about the skies with impunity. "WERE GOING DOWNNNNN!" The sister bellows, grabbing for something to brace the impact. The craft slams into the pavement hard, and suddenly breaks through the ground below...

"Are we dead?" The Sorita asks, rubbing her head. You feel around, you don't think you are. "That would be my ASS Commissar..."

Meanwhile, in the legion of doom...

"Lord Abbadon, we have completed the final preparations, we are prepared to use THAT."

Abbadon, the embodiment of Chaos, almost allows himself to crack a smile. Soon this world w...

A loud crash is heard overhead and Abbadon gazes up to see what caused the ruckus. A second later, the cockpit of a Valkyrie sinks down into view. Inside, a Commissar and a Sorita...

"I was just looking for the instrument panel..." You lie, not sure what drove you to try to cop a feel over power armor. The Valkyrie sinks into the dirt and suddenly drops down into a cave below. And Abbadon the Despoiler is staring you in the face.

"Oh Emprah, THRUSTERS TO MAXIMUM! LET FLY ALL GUNS" You punch the controls and slam every button you can reach. The Valkyrie's engines roar and the frontal guns and missiles erupt to life. Or they would if the power wasn't dead. Abbadon's companion rips open the cockpit of the ship, as Abbadon himself has no arms, and wrenches you out, holding you in his power claw. This is probably the end for you. The Sorita is snatched up by two other Chaos Marines in Terminator armor. This really, really doesn't look good. Still, there's nothing like a good blaster at your side kid.

The Chaos Marines are too busy cackling madly to notice you slipping your laspistol out of its holster. "Its Blamming time!" Your first shot hits the one holding you under the jaw, and at point blank range there is nothing to save him. The power claw goes slack and he drops you to the ground as his corpse falls backwards. With excellent accuracy you headshot one of the Terminators holding your Sorita friend, and he fudges his save and dies because fuck him. The other one drops the sisters arm and runs. "Nooooo, noooooo!!! Seize them! Seize theemmmmm!!!" Abbadon howls after you as you grab the Sorita's arm and break into a run.

"Abbadon, your reign of heresy ends TODAY!" You draw your sword and ready yourself, steeling your nerves for what you are about to do. Wait are you about to attack fucking Abbadon THE DESPOILER? Too late, your legs are already moving, propelling you at full force right at the embodiment of heresy. "Commissar no!" You hear the Sorita call out from behind you. This attack could well decide the fate of the Imperium as man as you know it.

You swing with all your might, but it only slams into the side of Abbadon's exposed head and doesn't penetrate more than a millimeter. He reels backwards and trips over his foot, crashing onto his back. You thought about finishing him off until a horde of Chaos Marines come charging from a passage in the cave. "Time to go!" You yell as you grab the Sorita and throw her over your shoulder. Holy fuck she is heavy, that power armor weighs a ton. Still, you can't be a little bitch right now. You toss her into the passenger seat of the Valkyrie and jump in yourself. Furiously you smash and kick and scream at the controls. The Chaos Marines are close enough to start shooting now, and they do. Bolter rounds slam into the hull of the vehicle all around you. "By the Empruh you will start this day!" You scream as you shoot the instrument panel. The machine spirit reluctantly gives and the craft shudders to life. Wasting no time you throw it in R and hit max throttle.

"I'll get you next time Commissar! NEXT TIME!!!!" Abbadon howls at you, shaking his fist in rage, if he had one. With a terrible screech the craft throws itself backwards out of the hole and soars ass-first into the sky. While its true you did manage to put this punk machine spirit in its place, it is also true that you still don't know how to fly this damn thing. Worse yet, the engines are losing power and the control panel is flashing on and off. This bird is going down, the question is, where?

"Hey, since we might die when you try to land this thing, whats your name?" The Sorita looks over to you and asks. You look away from the instrument panel momentarily. "Its Max, not sure why you want to know a silly thing like that." She looks away. "Max..." She says softly. "And how about you, what can I call you?" Her gaze snaps back to you. "Lycheria. Sister Lycheria." The left engine flames out, looks like this is going to be another hard landing.

The roof of the manifactorum is underneath you, and though it is quite an impressively large structure, you do question your own landing skills. The Valkyrie shudders and bucks as its last remaining engine struggles to keep the craft stable. Wind whips though the now exposed cockpit. "Hey!" The Sorita yells over the din. "If this is the end for us, I just wanted to let you know, I was glad to meet you Max." She finishes with a small smile. The sight give you a bit of confidence, but still, the task before you is daunting. "Here goes nothing right?" You grip the controls hard. The ship is coming in to hot, but there is little more you can do than try to hold her steady, hope the roof holds, and hope you don't go skidding off of it and crash into the ground far below the building.

With some kind of deft skill you must have latently been concealing up until this point, you actually manage to set the Valkyrie down fairly lightly for a flaming hunk of fire and hate. When the craft finally skids to a stop and the painful screaming subsides, you open your eyes. “Do stop screaming will you…” Lycheria asks, looking at you dubiously. You lay back in your seat and wipe the sweat off your face. Yesterday you were stealing extra rations from the barracks, today you’ve fought off one of the Imperium’s greatest foes, landed a ship you didn’t know how to fly, and actually lived to tell the tale. Lycheria gets up and stretches, her curvy frame filling up your view against a backdrop of sky. “What’s the matter?” She tilts her head back to look at you playfully. “Carnifex got your tongue?” You smile, but your vision is getting hazy. You try to get up and find that you can’t. Looking down, you see why. A piece of shrapnel from the shredded canopy has annoyingly lodged itself in your chest. Blood drips down from the wound. Lycheria’s face goes white-er, as she notices the wound. She rushes over to you quickly and pulls apart your clothing to get a better look at the wound. “Its… Its serious, but nothing you can’t survive.” She pulls you to your feet. “We’re going to go find you some help, get you patched up. By the Emperor’s holy codpiece you had better not die on me.” As she pulls you up, the shrapnel falls out of the wound. What looked like a piercing blow by a large shard is little more than a flesh wound. Both of you stop dead. Until Lycheria smacks you across the head.

“You bastard! I was actually worried about you there!” She screams frantically. And before you know it, her lips are pressed to yours. They are disarmingly soft, you don’t know why you had always assumed a Sorita’s outside would be tough, but it isn’t. The feeling is blissful, and you don’t want it to end. “Sorry, but I think I do have a concussion…” You mumble. “Well we will just have to get that treated, but you should be fine in the meantime. I’ll bandage up your wound though.” Lycheria grabs the medkit out of the husk of the Valkyrie and pops it open.

She tries unsuccessfully to open some packages and then sighs. “Power armor, good for many things, detail work not being one.” Her armor disengages itself and she begins to remove it. You’ve never seen a Sister or astartes remove their armor, it’s pretty interesting. Especially the part where her breastplate falls forward and her tits bounce from the release, though still hidden in a tight sports bra. (+1 as needed to contain tits of this magnitude.) She suddenly notices your eyes, and possibly the strand of drool leading to quite a puddle on the roof. “Like what you see, Commissar?” You're taken aback by the question. If you say yes, will she kill you or unlock full dere mode? Fucking women how do they work?

“…And if perhaps, I do?” You inquire. She picks you up by your collar and pulls you close, you can feel her hot breath on your face. “Then, Max, you had better be willing to see it through to the end.” Her lips meet yours again, a reunion that sets the sky alight with color and causes strange xeno birds to sing their song of triumph. Her breasts, though caged in her tight clothing and begging to be set free, smoosh themselves into your chest. Heaven, this is HEAVEN. The Emperor himself bro-fists you from the golden throne. “Sister Lycheria, is that you?” A voice calls out from the side of the building. Lycheria lets you go and whirls around. “Sister Candis, is that you!?” She cries out joyfully. “Indeed it is, come over here and we will get you off the roof.” The other sister yells back. Your first chance at some sweet warrior-girl-from-space action and you get cockblocked. HARD. Go figure...

Thread 2: EXTRA HERESY

Commissars Log. Planet: Yagis V. Date: Unknown

The Sister Candice has proven to be a powerful foe indeed. It is likely her cockblocking skills are the most feared in the entire sector, and perhaps beyond. The Soritas and I explored the manafactorium I so skillfully landed that wretched craft on. Inside can only be described as Glorious. An Imperial thong production plant, until this point I had only heard whispers and rumors of their existence, or read tidbits of information in tomes millennia old. The Sisters took the chance to change into some new undergarments, fresh off the line. Unfortunately I was apprehended in my Emperor-sanctioned quest to peek, and nearly lost my life to the hail of bolter and flamer fire that followed. Still, I did manage to catch a brief glimpse of perfection. Dat ass. Worse yet than being caught perhaps, Abbadon somehow obtained my personal communicator frequency. He has been spamming my textual box with death threats and pictures of… Terrible, terrible things of the most damaging kind. He is kind of a dick. My devoted follower Lycheria beckons for me. Commissar out.

“Hey Max, we are going to head to our personal ship. The Sisters were debating on whether or not to bring you along, and decided not to after your little… Ah… Stunt.” Lycheria looks disappointed, though not at you. “So that’s it, then?” You ask, not thrilled about being left behind. Nor about being separated from the crazy but cute bolter bitch. “For now, but I know the Emperor will bring us back together again. Here, have my personal channel, you can call or message me any time.” She slips a piece of paper into your pocket before looking around slyly. Seeing no one watching, she plants another kiss before turning to follower her Sisters. You watch sadly as she walks away, until she turns back one last time to shout at you with a smile. “If you don’t call me, I’ll BURN YOU ALIVE!” Well, time to figure out what to do.

Well with your party disbanded leaving you with but a single mana potion, you don’t really know what to do. Pretty much every xeno here would just as soon kill than perhaps eat you before you could even get a word in edgewise. You've never met an Eldar before, not that you really make a habit of meeting xenos for smalltalk, what with it being heresy and all. Still, if you had to pick, the Eldar seem perhaps the least likely to disembowel you for either fun or sacrifice to an ancient god. At least you think so, you admit you skimmed (see tldr) the Eldar chapters of your training manual.

With (though perhaps misplaced) optimism, you set out in search of those tall spindly xenos. Although thinking back, you swear the Farseer you saw stood at least a foot and a half shorter than the other Eldar around her. The journey is long and arduous on foot, wind threatens to take the hat right off your head. You can’t let that happen. Compounding the suck is the fact that you literally have nothing to eat and haven’t eaten anything since the last ration you had with your guardbros. Your stomach howls at you with the fury of the warp and the ‘nid swarm rolled into one. You scan everywhere, looking for something, ANYTHING to devour. Your heart sinks as you abandon all hope, Vagis V must be devoid of food. That is, until, you catch the scent of something that smells absolutely, decadently, delicious. Ravenous now, you pick up your pace as you follow your nose. A strangely colored bird with a massive beak darts around overhead. The sight of a fire a hundred yards away stops you dead in your tracks. You know better than to just rush in, you don’t have many friends left on this planet. Stalking now, you draw ever closer until you take cover behind a small pile of rock and peek out. Sitting in the clearing, roasting some kind of small animal carcass on the fire, is the Farseer you saw yesterday.

You remain silent as you sit and watch. The Farseer doesn’t seem to notice you as she checks on her food. A roasting animal shouldn’t smell this good. It isn’t just your hunger either, something is up. Heresy, it must be heresy. Or psychers, fuck you don’t know. She must think her food is ready, because she takes the spit off of the fire to let the meat cool. Slowly she looks around and you hide to avoid her gaze. Fairly certain she is safe, the Farseer lifts off her helmet and shakes out her hair. Beautiful, silky red hair. It’s long, long enough to reach down to her ass, and it looks thick even from here. She’s cute. You didn’t know Eldar could be cute. Though really, you didn’t know what Eldar looked like without their helmets on. You had always assumed terrible soulless eyes and a gaping maw filled with teeth and two ever-moving mandibles. The Farseer cautiously takes a bite of the roast and her face lights up. It must taste good. By the Emprah, you want some of that food… You watch as she rips off chunk after chunk with her teeth. Not a very ladylike way to eat, but you would look like a barbarian in comparison at the moment. Instantly and suddenly her eyes snap to you, as if she just knew you were there. With a startled cry she drops her meal and grabs her spear, bringing it to bear right at you. Before you can shout out anything, the rocks in front of you explode away, knocking you backwards. The Farseer runs at you, clearly intent on running you through. You manage to dodge just in time, but she’s coming around for another go. It doesn’t seem she has any intention of talking with you.

You draw your sword and turn to face her, swinging your weapon around in skillful arcs. She pauses at the sight, you must have dazzled her with your awesomeness. “NOPE, fuck this.” You yell as you swing the sword down like a golf club and slash up a blast of sand. It hits her in the eyes and she curses, at least you think so. You break into a dead run, pumping furiously. Looking back, you see she is hot on her tail, despite clawing at her eyes. Now you should be able to outrun someone shorter than you. After all, being in the guard you are In pretty damn good shape. Why then, is she gaining on you? “Fucking sorcery!” You yell as a flying kick catches you in the back, knocking you face-first into the sand. You knew you should have tried to fight, as you feel the tip of the spear press into your back. It’s all over now… But a quiet rumble in the distance causes you both to pause and look up. Whatever it is, its getting closer, and fast. Through the haze you manage to make out that it’s a lone figure on a motorcycle. And his head is on fire.

Wait… Is that fucking Doomrider? You remember the myths and stories as a lad growing up. Doomrider, bane of man, devourer of cocaine. This is probably not a safe place to be, what laying right in his path and all. Fuck it, you will take your chances with the Farseer. You roll to your left, out from under the spear, and jump to your feet. You grab the Eldar’s hand and pull her. “Run, bitch, RUN!!!” You shout as you break into a dead sprint, pushing yourself as hard as you can. She doesn’t seem to understand why or to where she is running, but she is smart enough to not question you as she follows. You are too busy looking back at the lord of drugs to notice you are running straight at a narrow chasm. You catch it out of the corner of your eye. It’s a split second decision but you don’t have much choice, going to have to jump for it.

YES!

Somehow, miraculously, you clear the chasm. When you looked down mid-jump you notice Abbadon screaming up at you furiously, as a horde of his followers all text away furiously, still filling your inbox. Good thing you made it. “Hah, we did it!” You turn excitedly to the Farseer. She looks back at you, a twinge of excitement and relief on her face. Strands of long red hair blow faintly in the wind, and you finally get a good look at her in the full outline of the blue sky. …Just in time to see Doomrider pop a wheelie and clear the jump with ease. “I’M GOING TO GRIND YOU UP AND SNORT YOUR BONES IMPERRIAAALLLLLL!!!” You hear him yell madly. “God damn it, today is just not my day!” You start to run again. The Farseer doesn’t hear you as she stops to turn around, raising her spear in defiance at the Harbinger of Heroin. This girl is either stupid, crazy, or confident. Maybe all three, you can’t be sure. Either way, you’ve got a decision to make.

“I am getting too old for this constant litany of BULLSHIT!” You howl furiously as you snatch the Farseer’s spear from her hand and dash over to a nearby Ork Warbike. Surprisingly the bike starts with no effort whatsoever and in fact everything is incredibly easy about it, as if it wants you to ride. Annoying; considering how much bullshit an Imperium vehicle puts you through, that this Ork monstrosity of engine, chrome, and flame decals give you no trouble. You turn to face Doomrider, and rev your engine as high and as loud as you can. Doomrider turns his bike sideways and skids to a stop, a hundred yards away or so. With little struggle he pulls a tree up out of the dirt and bites one end, gnawing and gnashing at it until it forms a nasty point. Both of you sit there, revving your engines, eyeing each other. “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!” He finally screams, beginning his charge. You dump your own clutch and twist as hard as you can, the Ork bike clunking to action as it takes off. The two of you grow ever closer, each spear pointed at the other. This could end up alright, or very, very badly. You want to close your eyes and have that Eldar girl hold you tight, maybe grab some afternoon delight. But there isn’t time, you are seconds away from impact.

Your spear slams itself directly into Doomrider’s chest, impaling him as it knocks him off of his bike, which crashes into some rocks and sails end over end. His own spear hit the front of your bikes handlebars and shattered. Say what you will about the Orks, when they do make something, they make it sturdy. You quickly slow to a stop as Doomrider falls to the ground, gasping and feeling at the spear now lodged in him. It looks fatal, but you know better by now. He seems currently disabled at least. You approach him, laspistol drawn, as he groans and looks up at you. He reaches out to you with one hand as if begging. “IF YOU MUST KILL ME, AT LEAST LET ME DIE WITH THE TASTE OF ACID IN MY MOUTH AND THE SMELL OF SWEET SNOW IN MY NOSE!” Despite him being one of the more terrifying things you’ve ever encountered, this gives you pause. You would be a right bastard if you denied him his last request…

A bag on his bike contains… well… a plethora of drugs. If there was a market, nay, a superwalmart for drugs, it would be this guy’s satchel. You aren’t even sure of most of the shit you’re looking at. You grab out what you think are some acid tabs and a bag out of six dozen or so of different white powders. There is no way to tell which one is blow, and you really doubt Doomrider cares much. You lean down and hand him the drugs, which he eagerly consumes. Now comes time for the dirty deed…

Wait, Doomrider is slowly fading out, growing more and more transparent by the second. “HAHAHAHAHA!” He bellows with laughter as he stands up, the spear falling from his no longer physical chest. “Son of a fucking bitch!” You fire your laspistol anyways, but the shot sails right through him and not in a good way. “YOU FIGHT WELL AND HONORABLE FOR A MORTAL, I SHALL SINGS SONGS OF THIS DAY WHILE I INDULGE MYSELF!” He is almost entirely transparent now, his head is really the only thing you can still make out. “IN YOUR HOUR OF PLIGHT YOU MAY DO WELL TO CALL ON ME, HUMAN, FOR I EAGARLY AWAIT OUR NEXT MEETING! UNTIL THEN, MAY YOUR LIFE BE FULL OF PLEASURE!” With this, he is entirely gone. You remember now, part of the fables you were read as a boy. Doomrider is notorious for disappearing, entirely at random as it were… This leaves you alone with the Farseer, who is approaching you, eyes fixed dead on your face. Aww yeah, you impressed this bitch. You are a fucking pimp of the Imperium after all. Her face is nearly at yours, though you would have to lean down to meet it, so you do. And she decks you square in the jaw.

“You idiot mon-keigh! What in the name of Uthwe would I have done without my spear! Did you ever stop to think maybe a fucking FARSEER might be, oh, I don’t know, A FUCKING SPECIALIST AT FIGHTING CHAOS DAEMONS!!!” She mad. “But… But I…” You stammer, surprised at the blow. “No, you acted like a fool!” She shouts, crossing her arms and turning her back to you. “…Still, for a guardsman you did fare quite well against such a foe…” You rub your jaw, it wasn’t a hard blow, just caught you off guard is all. Silence fills the air. Until it is almost immediately disturbed by a tremendous growl from your gut. “Ugh…” You groan, rubbing your stomach. Suddenly a hand is thrust into your face, holding what looks like a small biscuit thing. “Huh?” You ask, looking up at her. The Farseer is looking away, refusing to meet your eyes. She is blushing furiously. “I made this earlier, you can have it. It… It’s not like I want you to eat it, or anything.” She adds quickly. “All right then, I’ll try it…” You accept the food from her, not wanting to seem over-eager. Your stomach gives you up when it groans furiously that you have dared take so long to sate it when you are staring fucking food in the face. You take a small bite, and your tongue is alive… With FLAVOUR. A biscuit shouldn’t taste this good. Cannot possibly taste this good. But it isn’t just your stomach talking, the biscuit is fucking delicious. “W… Well?” The Farseer asks, glancing back and forth at you. You lick your fingers, having polished off the morsel already. “It was really good, you can cook for me anytime.” Her face lights up and she beams, eyes wide with delight. “Really?” Then she quickly catches herself and looks away again, giving you the cold shoulder. “I didn’t make it for you or anything, quit acting so grateful you mon-keigh.” "Even if you didn't make it for me, I'm still glad you let me have it. Got any more?" The Eldar girl shrugs.

"Not on me, no. But if I had the ingredients I could make more." Your stomach growls again, reminding you that one little snack isn't going to do it. Fuck you stomach, you and dick both bossing around poor old brain, he never did anything to you jerks. "Well if your THAT hungry we could maybe catch some fish to cook. From orbital data the oceans here are stock full of fish, and the water is close by." She tsks at you and turns away. "If it even smells like anything you have cooked for me before, I'm all in." So with that said, you two set off for the ocean. "So did you bring a swimsuit?" You ask, trying to start up some conversation. "Even if I did, why would I wear it for you, pervert?" She fumes. "Whoa turn the hate off of eleven for a minute. I'm sweaty as Horus in a tracksuit, so I figured I would take a swim." "Hmph, my undersuit would work fine, but I'm not ditching my armor so you can eye rape me." Damn this girl is cold...

You feel your luck increase ever so slightly... Huh. You finally get to the beach, and it is a damn pretty one. White sands, blue water, cute girl still glaring at you. Ahh... Bliss. You strip down to your standard issue guard skivvies and run excitedly down to the water. You busy yourself splashing and scrubbing, lost in the paradise of warm tropical water. You lean back and stretch, taking it all in, when you hear a splash behind you. "Don't get me wrong, I just decided I needed to cool off!" By the Emprah... A white bikini?

Hot giggidy son, those are some psychic xeno tits. They aren’t big, but they aren’t small, maybe somewhere around a c-cup? You can’t exactly think straight right now. What with the white clashing awesomely with her flowing red hair and vibrant, and fiercely intelligent turquoise eyes. “Yo, stupid mon-keigh, quit titfucking me with your eyes and get to fishing already.” She says flatly as she cracks you over the head with a rod. Where the hell did she even get that from? Eldar trickery. But imagining titfucking those glorious xeno-baits, yeah you could do it, you WANT to do it. She thwaps you with the rod again. Despite your best effort to actually concentrate on fishing, sitting on the beach alongside her, you just can’t. You have a slight bit of Eldar ass cleavage drawing your eyes away from the rod, the sight is mesmerizing. You could lose yourself in it. There is a sudden tug on your line.

There is a tremendous tug as line starts screaming out of the bail, despite having the drag notched up a bit because you are a fishing noob. The rod is bent double, and you have your feet buried in the sand in an attempt to remain on the beach. A tremendous explosion erupts from the surface some two hundred yards out. Water soars a thousand feet into the sky from the sheer force of the breach.

Only it isn’t an explosion.

And it isn’t a fish.

Ra’alman, the epic sea beast of Yagis V lore, is hooked on your rubber worm bait. More serpent than anything else, it’s glowing vorpal red eyes and razor sharp ten foot long teeth are the most terrifying things you’ve ever witnessed. Men have been lost to madness for seeing this creature. Only a new world, universe, of terror is awakened from its dark slumber as the creature throws it’s head in a blood-draining, suicide-inducing scream. You grip the rod as tight as you can as you struggle with all your might against the beast.

Do you cut the line and remain on the relative safety of the beach?

Or do you show this Farseer what a real fisherman can do?

“I AM POSIDEON, MASTER OF THE SEAS, AND I SHALL CLAIM YOU AS MY MEAL!” A sharp tug of the line and you are thrown forward into the seas, which have grown rough and dark, black ominous clouds now looming overhead. With incredible speed you are dragged down, down, down, into the inky black. Slowly the dragging stops, and you are left alone in the pitch darkness. You can’t see your own hand in front of your face, or even tell which way the surface is. You look down and notice two burning, hateful red eyes staring back at you from the nothingness below. With a quick movement you draw out the small bait knife the Eldar girl gave you along with the rod. “Time to dance, fishfag.” But it just comes out as a bunch of bubbles. With astounding speed the beast rushes for you, and you can feel the sucking motion through the water as the giant opens its god-devouring maw. You draw your arm back, preparing to strike.

A blinding light illuminates the seas around you, emanating from an anglerfish-like protrusion from the beast’s head. In the sudden blue light you can see now what you are really up against. Those teeth are jagged and barbed, ending in points sharper than the most finely honed templar blade. Each again, several feet longer than you are, and there are thousands of them, set in rows, going as deep into the monster’s horrific bowels. The legends call this the horror-fish. It has been known to devour ships out of the sky. And if the legends hold true, this beast also is responsible for consuming alive every god that once existed on this fowl planet. But those are just legends. Right?

You try to swim upwards as fast as you can, the jaws only yards away now. Your lungs are burning for air, which you are nowhere near. Ra’alman misses you by a hair, his terrible bony body scraping against your foot, sending a jolt of pain through your whole body. With no time to think you do the only thing you can come up with, and drive your pitiful knife as hard as you can into the beast’s back. It sinks in. With all of the creature’s speed you are thrown forward along with it, as the god-eater barrels toward the surface. It screams again, it’s agonizing song even more soul-devastating underwater. You lose all hope as your lungs finally give out and you suck in seawater…

Until with the force of a thousand suns, the monster breaches the surface yet again. You are soaring upwards, dozens, hundreds, thousands of feet above the seas below. “Oh FUUUUUUU….” You manage to yell between coughs of belching up salt water, as the peak of the climb is reached, and the fall begins. You plummet, ever and ever faster toward the now frigid waters below, which chop and crash as though they too wish to feast on your pitiful human flesh. At the last second before impact, you ditch the knife and jump for it, crashing down into the water. You are a pretty good swimmer, but you are a hundred meters from the shore, where the Farseer girl is screaming, you think. Looking back, you see the hungry jaws of Ra’alman closing fast, dead set on having you for a snack. “NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!!!” You freestyle as hard and as fast as you can, screaming litanies of protection and struggling against the weak confines of your own frail and now beaten body. You are so close now…

By the Emprah and those white bikini xeno titties, you are not dying here today. Your strength doubles and you make the final push to the land, running up the beach as fast as you can. Ra’alman’s momentum carries him up the sand after you, but friction gets the better of him and he is slowed to a halt. You are mere inches away from his putrid hole, which gnashes and bites at you, now just barely out of reach. With a frustrated scream, the beast starts to retreat. But not before coughing and hitting you in the face with a 5lb fish that is still flopping away madly. “Catch anything?” The Farseer asks coyly.

“Fuck you and every spindly space elf that looks like you.” You splutter as you cough up yet more seawater. “No really, that big speech and all? I didn’t realize it was directed at this anusfish.” She laughs, shaking the flailing fish in your face, taunting you. “Yeah well you… Wait did you just call it an anusfish?” Her grin is ear to ear, leading you on. “Why yes, Commissar, I did.” “And why, exactly?” “Because they taste like ass, according to all planetary data logs.” She can barely contain her laughter at this point. You stand up and brush off as much sand as you can, trying to regain some air of dignity. “I’ll have you know, Eldar, that there are some asses I ENJOY the taste of, and if you don’t believe me, bend over and allow me to demonstrate.”

She pulls back a bit, losing the smile. “I’ll pass on that today, thanks. Though I will cook your anusfish if you so desire, I myself caught this.” She holds up a three foot long flatfish, it looks like some kind of bottomfeeder. “Supposed to be the best delicacy of the sea on the whole of Yagis V.” She brags.

“Yeah well, I usually enjoy ass for dessert, not the main course…” You give in as you toss your fish back into the water. You turn back to her slowly. “Although you could still make me some dessert later, perhaps?” Another dive knife goes sailing past your left ear, clipping it ever so slightly, just enough to draw a drop of blood. “Don’t even think about it worm. The next time you do, I won’t miss.” Dayum shame, you would eat that ass. You would eat it and be damn proud of the fact. “Hmph, well since you admit I caught the better fish, I’ll treat you to a good meal.” She stops suddenly.

“But just for tonight, mon-keigh. Don’t expect me to grace you with my divine presence like this again.” You don’t say anything as you lay back on the warm sand and watch her work her magic. That is, until she kicks sand in your face and smacks you with her fishing rod until you get up to go gather fire wood so she can cook. After collecting everything you can that she needs, you again lay back down to take in the view. And by the view, you mean that bent over ass shot, as she tends to the fish now filling the nearby area with its unfathomable sweet aroma. It has been a loooooonggg time since you’ve had anything that could constitute a home cooked meal. The barracks serves high-nutrient slop, and the carry rations are bland and fairly tasteless. You are going to enjoy this, no matter how damaged your pride may be.

Her butt shakes around as she darts this way and that, adding spices and making adjustments with some kind of knowledge likely garnered through thousands of years of perfection and study. “I can literally FEEL your eyes on my ass, stop that if you want any food!” She snaps at you. Bah, it’s not like you want dat ass, or anything… baka… Getting up to stretch out your legs, you really wish you had a beer, it has been months since you’ve even beheld the beauty that is a cold bottle of “Librarian’s Imperial Pale Ale.”

The thought of a beer even fades quickly when you inhale, you can almost taste that roasting fish, your stomach is locked in a civil war on itself. In addition to the fish; the Farseer also gathered up some assorted roots, which, though glowing a disheartening orange, she assured you were edible. “Hey, I never did get your name…” You inquire, looking back at the still bent-over Eldar. “Hah, as if you are deserving enough to be blessed by its utterance.” She retorts. “I’m Max, Max Decarus.” You reply, ignoring her stinging comments. “I’m Eshwe Ulthran. My friends call me Esh.” Her face goes red. “N-Not that you can call me that, mon-keigh!” You grin.

“Alright Eshwe.” “You ingrate, I told you only my friends… Wait did you just use my actual name?” She asks, fishing rod poised to strike. “Well yeah, I mean, it isn’t like we are friends are we?” You can barely contain your trollface. She looks like she’s pouting a bit though trying her best to conceal it. “Anyways, Eshwe, I’m going to find us someplace to crash, why don’t you rest by the fire and call me when the food is ready?” You turn around and begin to stroll off. Her hand snatches out and grabs your wrist, stopping you mid-step. You turn around slowly. She isn’t looking at you, her eyes are lowered and you can’t see them under her hair. Her cheeks are burning red. “…You… You can call me Esh… Idiot mon-keigh…”

Thread 3: YOU... DOUBLE MON-KEIGH!

Thin streams of sunlight pour through the morning dew of the fronds above you. Golden, exuberant, and warm. You can hear the soft waves as they creep back and forth across the beach, and various birds singing for joy of a fresh day. The reassuring sounds begin to put you back to sleep. The small shelter you built keeps just enough of the sun out that you think you’ll drift off for another few hours. All while so comfortably warm, though oddly your front seems warmest despite facing away from the entrance… Your eyes pry open just a crack, but you can’t see much through the red hair. Wait wut. Your pupils dilate as your heart goes from a relative calm to being chased through the jungle by a Eversor assassin in a running battle of drug-fueled destruction that only fate can decide. It is at that moment you realize, the air around you is actually quite cool, a bit uncomfortably so even. What’s keeping you warm, in fact, is that you are currently spooning the fuck out of Esh.

Badger shit cunts, this is bad. If she wakes up, she’ll hit you with that spear. Power of a bolter, accuracy of an Exitus rifle. One hit from that and it’s all over. Unfortunately, you can’t ignore the fact that her barely-covered ass has apparently parked itself right on your dick, which itself is… Well… Fully enjoying the morning, as it were. You swallow hard, mind racing in some desperate bid to come up with an exit strategy. Your other mind is telling you to have at it and patting you on the back in celebration. Further damning the situation, your arm is wrapped around her chest tightly, and you can make out some soft underboob. While it is true you aren’t sure how she will react to this situation, the thought crosses your mind that perhaps it would be best to not find out…

Just as you start to try to disengage yourself from this situation, your own body betrays you. The sound of you ripping ass, a long-winded release of concentrated warp energy, fills the small shelter… “JUST AS PLANNED!!” Tzeentch crows happily from inside the warp. Esh stirs slightly, and for a brief moment it appears that perhaps she will remain asleep. “Enjoy the moment while it lasts, mon-keigh. For it shall be your last.” Well, it was nice knowing yourself.

Eshwe sits up, her neck cracking as it turns around to face you. Her normally turquoise eyes are now glowing with arcane energy as they lock onto you. “Wait! Wait, Esh, this is a misunderstanding!” You stammer, backing up and searching desperately for your pants. Esh smiles, but it isn’t a pleasant like “Oh ok, good morning though.” Kind of smile. More like a “I will enjoy tearing you apart with my mind.” Grin of madness.

“Damn it Esh, this is your fault! I made you your own place to sleep, what in the Emprah’s name are you doing in my bed!?” You don’t think this last desperate bid will matter, the air has begun to crackle ominously with energies you cannot even begin to fathom. A small little rat-like thing scurries away, as though even it can sense shit is about to go south. Esh’s eyes grow even more intense, you can no longer make out her pupils. They are smoldering so bright you can’t even look at them without it hurting your head. But then, just as suddenly as they had ignited, her eyes returned to normal. Esh looks around slightly before turning back to you. “I’m not putting it past you to have swifted me away for your… Carnal desires… But I can’t prove it.” She sighs as she crosses her arms. “I’m going to change.” She adds. You relax as relief floods though your body. Until Esh clocks you overhead. “Oi, you, mon-keigh! When a girl says she’s going to change, that means you get out of the room! Go find something for breakfast.” Esh grabs one of her fishing rods and starts swinging away at you until she herds you out of the shelter. Once you are finally outside she tosses the rod after you. Well at least you survived the morning. Hell, a part of you even enjoyed it. You are a bit hungry, you admit. Though one thought seems to be shoving the others aside. Inside that small shelter, which is in no way wind-proof, is a naked Farseer.

A guardsman without his pants is like a boy wifout ‘iz choppah, sumfin bout it aint right. “Hold up, Esh, I need my pants!” You lean back down to the entrance of the shelter. It takes a moment for your eyes to adjust to the dimness. Esh is frozen, her face a look of shock. Back to you, arms outstretched above her. Wearing nothing but a gaze that says you had better go chance a swim with Ra’alman because he might be more merciful. A sudden blast of psyonic energy throws you backward, and as you careen through the air, you can’t help but still picture that bare heretical xeno ass. Worth it? Maybe. You land face down in the sand. As you start to get up, a rough foot on your head shoves you back down. “If I didn’t have somewhere I needed to be, I would enjoy taking my time murdering you, you… DOUBLE MON-KEIGH!!!” Esh doesn’t let you up, instead choosing to grind your face in the sand. “You might be of some use to me later though, so I’ll give you a way to contact me in case I need to summon you, whelp.” A flash of searing pain explodes in your head, your jaw contorting in agony. You suddenly know what frequency to contact Esh on. The Farseer is nowhere to be found by the time you pick yourself off of the beach. You wash the sand off in the alien sea, making sure to stay close to shore and keeping an eye out for the fish-fag from yesterday, as you ponder what to do next…

You decide that checking out the Tau first is probably your best bet. The hot springs are close by and surrounded by thick woods which should offer you good cover to observe from. You could also use a bath, salt water leaves a sticky residue.

A nearby Sentinel makes for quick travel, or would, if you had any idea how to drive one. “Empruh titty fucking Terra!” You yell as you faceplant the walking vehicle into the sand. Oh well, you are better off on foot from here anyways. What did the driving instructor call you at basic training again? A “being of unfathomable destruction whilst driving, do not allow within three meters of any controls.” Or something like that. “Alright, let’s do this shit.” You mutter as you start sneaking through the woods. You may not be a Stormtrooper (not that you were too short to try out), but you can be pret-ty damn sneaky.

The damp ground and thick foliage make it slow going, and you really hope you don’t just stumble into a fucking Kroot or something. Finally you see more light streaming through the canopy and you can smell a tinge of sulfur. You are close. Belly crawling now, you avoid a two foot long caterpillar, keeping a close eye on it, when suddenly your head bumps into something hard. Looking up you stare into the face… Thing… Of a crisis battle suit. A plethora of guns staring your right in the face. You fully accept your swift demise before noticing the hatch is open, and the cockpit unoccupied. What appears to be a thin yellow skin-tight outfit of some kind hanging off of it. You sneak away from the suit, finding a bit of high ground next to a particularly large tree. Poking your head out from the bushes ever so slightly, you are completely startled at what you see. Down below you, fully visible in the middle of the spring, is a lone Tau. …And she is gloriously naked. You watch, utterly infatuated, as she pours water down her front. Soap bubbles run down between her perfectly formed size F, perky and yet round, greater goods. “Oh this is such heresy…” You groan quietly as you feel a swelling in your pants. You have never been this close to a Tau, but this one is way different from what you’ve seen before. For starters, clearly a woman.

Her skin is a lighter hue of blue, maybe from lack of sunlight crammed in that suit all day? Bright violet hair falls just past her shoulders. She also looks young, not that you really know what a young Tau girl looks like, but certainly nothing like the grizzled fire warriors you are used to. Just… Young. Like someone your age would look, if they had blue skin. You know this is textbook heresy, the bolter bitches would be roasting you alive if they knew. “Thou shall not extend thy wood over Xenos.” Or some such. You can’t look away though, eyes glued to the soft curvy body innocently washing itself before you. The Tau girl reaches down with a cloth and soaps up her plump ass. You find yourself subconsciously fiddling for the mark IIV K.West-pattern sun shield goggles you left with your old gear, as you bite your bottom lip. She drops the cloth accidentally and starts to bend down to retrieve it. “Oh Terra…” You lean forward for a better view.

• SNAP*

A twig cracks under your knee and you stop moving, stop breathing. The Tau girl whirls around and freezes, she clearly sees you. “Kyaaaaa!” She yells in a high, surprisingly girly voice, before dropping into the water leaving just her head exposed. Before you can react, she produces a pistol and points it at you with a shaking hand. “Wait!” You plead, “Wait, I’m not here to fight!” You hold out your hands to show you are unarmed, weapons in the dirt behind you. The Tau girl looks at you wide-eyed, terrified. Her cheeks have turned a brilliant pink. “D-did y-you see?” She stammers, still pointing the pistol. “Only a little! None of your bits!” You lie quickly and hopefully convincingly. he doesn’t look like she buys it entirely, but she lowers the gun slightly. “A-are you the… The only one here?” She asks quietly. If you didn’t know any better you would have to think she is actually… Embarrassed? “Yep, just me.” You tell her in your best soothing voice, “Pretty sure I’m the last guardsman on the planet too.” “What d-do you want?” She asks, still hiding her body, though the pistol is no longer trained on your head. You think hard. You aren’t really sure why you are here, sure the skull data and whatnot. But really, why ARE you here?

“Just a soak, care if I join you?” You ask nonchalantly, as though this had really been your plan all along. The Tau girls face blushes even harder. “W-w-w-well it is wrong not to share…” She stammers, clearly torn between an indoctrinated belief and the fact that she is quite without clothes. Wasting no time you strip down to your heresy-blockers and cannonball into the warm water. The dried salt is stripped away from your skin, you instantly feel refreshed and for the first time since clambering out of a pile of dead Orks, clean. “Wow, I can see why you were in here.” You remark as you wipe the water off of your face. The Tau girl is in front of you, everything under her eyes is now below the water as she watches you. “Hey, relax, I’m really not going to hurt you, I swear by the Emprah.” You smile and try to look as friendly as a peeping tom can be. The rest of her head pops up and she smiles at you weakly, her face still flush. “Well, I’ll admit it is nice having company, I don’t really like being alone.” She mutters as she pushes her two index fingers together, eyes darting between you and the water. Without warning the Tau girl shrieks and jumps, eyes wide with fright. She runs right at you and you both crash backwards into the water. Blue xeno funbags now pressing hard against your face.

“Hey now, let’s at least see a movie first or something…” You laugh as you try to stand back up, face still entrapped by soft skin. “Wha-what?” She stammers, looking at you, much of which is buried in her cleavage. “Well I mean, call me old fashioned but…” She cuts you off by jumping on you, wrapping her legs around your torso. “NOOOOHHHH, THE WATER, LOOK!” She screams in fright. Barely managing to escape from the titty-trap, you look down into the water below, and gulp hard at what you see. Tyranids. Little ones.

“What is this, I don’t even…” But you are cut off as she grips you even harder, crushing you with her massive boobage. “I hate tyranids! Help me!” She cries, still gripping you hard. Unable to see, but not wanting to be submerged in a pool full of ‘nids, you do your best to start wading to shore. “Mphf mmphh smeeee” You mumble, mouth blocked. She stops panicking for a brief moment. “Huh?” She asks. It takes a bit of effort to wedge yourself further between her tits so you can clear your face and look up at her. “I can’t see.”

She must have realized now that she is naked, wet, and gripping you hard enough to give you a vivid feeling of her space communist parts. Either Tau girls don’t grow any hair down there, or this one shaves. Her face turns almost entirely purple, still, she doesn’t let go. “Just get me out of here…” She pleads. Well, it isn’t like you to deny a naked female clinging to you. Walking out is difficult, the bottom of the spring is full of rocks and sudden drop-offs. It doesn’t help that the little ‘nids have also started biting at you. “ow Ow OW!” You are running as fast as you can, head bouncing into breasts, as you try to escape the clutches of those annoying little fucks.

Your feet finally meet dry land and you dash up the slope as fast as you can, not sure whether or not the bugs are still giving chase. A root catches you and before you can react, you are falling. You twist mid-air, as it would be more than a little rude to break your fall with someone you just met. Your head hits hard and there is a ringing in your ears, but you are alive. “Ugghh.” Is all you manage to groan, rubbing at your temples. That is, until you realize there is something warm and wet grinding into your groin. The Tau girl is still on top of you, her pelvis right against yours. Your boxers are soaked right through and were thin to begin with, and you have some kind of fear-erection. Oh the heresy… She is trembling, hands gripping you at the shoulders tightly, breasts dangling inches above your face. Only you realize, she isn’t looking at you, but at something behind you. You crane your neck hard, which is painful after the fall, and see the soulless grin of a Hive Tyrant smiling at you from but yards away. …Acid dripping from what looks like some kind of pelvis-mounted bile cannon.

You snatch up your belt and tear open one of your pouches. Dumping the contents out quickly into a pile of snow five inches high. Without a word you flop your face down into it, snorting madly. “What are you doing!? Now isn’t the time to use that!” She screams at you, shaking you madly. You look up from the pile, your face blanketed with snow, much clinging to your day-old stubble. The Hive Tyrant closes in, and you think it’s actually laughing at you as it does so. It’s too late, your desperate bid failed you.

“Sorry babe, I really thought that would work.” You apologize to her, smiling sadly. Suddenly, the roar of a motorcycle. “IIII’MMMMM ONNNNNNNNN DRUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Doomrider, in all his flaming-headed glory, bursts from a hole in the warp, headed straight at the Hive Tyrant. Half a dozen daemonettes cling to him, with ahego faces as Doomrider’s twelve dicks please them all simultaneously. His bike flies at the Hive Tyrant, and Doomrider slams a bottle labeled “Secret stash” as he swings a massive chain axe at the same time.

The tyranid doesn’t have time to react as its head is lopped clean off. Just as quickly as he appeared, another warp hole opens and Doomrider sails into it in a flurry of white powder, needles, and semen. “STAY EXCELLENT!” He cackles madly before disappearing. The Tau girl’s face is frozen in a “what the fuck did I just see” stare. You almost lay back down until you hear a fury of scurrying claws from the tree line as three jeanstealers burst forth, charging at you. Grabbing the Tau’s hand as her eyes spin from the terror, you pull her into a run, barely managing to snatch up your sword and pistol as you do. Looking back you see the ‘nids eagerly devouring your clothes. They are getting closer to your hat. The Tau girl is barely conscious as she runs behind you. Your hat waves sadly back at you as a ‘nid moves in to eat it. “I’ll never forget you, Commissar-kun.”

You run with all the fury of Angron and the Angry Marines all rolled into one toward your beloved cap. A tyranid picks up the hat and smiles at the aspect of devouring such a glorious thing. “No, Hat-chan, nooooooo!!!!”

It’s impossible, there is no way you can make the shot from here. The distance is too great for even your mad laspistol skills. Also your madly jittering hands don’t help, but you feel ALIVE. Still, you take the shot, and it manages to hit. But the tyranid shrugs off the blow, it’s carapace saving it. You can only watch in horror as your beloved cap is devoured whole. “NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” You yell, crashing to your knees, your life suddenly empty.

A bolt of plasma cuts the ‘nid in half. With misted eyes you see the carcass spinning in the air, xeno guts and blood spraying every which way. But wait… No… It can’t be. “HAT-CHANNNNNN!!!!”

The Commissar hat leaves the genestealer body through the ex-back way, and sails to you. Covered in terrible things, yes, but intact. The Crisis battle suit crashes through the forest behind you, knocking trees aside. With a robot-like efficiency it obliterates the other two ‘nids. Unfortunately with less precision, vaporizing your clothes along with them.

“Nice shot blueberry!” You yell with a fist pump. The Crisis battle suit kicks the dirt, embarrassed. “Really, it was nothing….” The booming microphone says. You wash your beloved hat off in the hot spring, punting any little ‘nid that gets too close. Heavy stomping shakes the ground slightly as the suit walks up beside you and quickly dispatches the little swimming tyranids. “Hey, you going to climb out of that thing so I can dance in joy with you or what?” You ask, poking the leg of the suit. For a moment there is no response, but then the suit turns away from you. “The… The tyranids found my battle suit before I did…” You shrug, “So?” “Well… My clothes were gone.” She finally admits. An awkward moment is just about to pass when you hear the furious howls of yet more tyranids, having just found their kin shredded by plasma. “Time to go!” You shout, hopping up, before pausing. “I’m going to need a ride, there is no way we are outrunning them on foot.”

“Let me in, let me in, LET ME INNNN!!!” The tyranids screams are getting closer, and fast. The suit reels back. “B-b-but I’m… NAKED!” She protests, the suit shaking its head back and forth. “Now isn’t the time to be shy, you were smothering me with your love balloons earlier!” You yell as you search for some kind of exterior hatch-release. With a hiss the cockpit falls open, and the Tau girl sits there, covering her nether region with one hand and unsuccessfully attempting to cover her breasts with her other arm. Quickly you hop inside, the cockpit is cramped and alive with light. You don’t read Tau so you don’t know what any of it means though. The cockpit closes and re-starts it’s forward view screen. The Tau girl struggles to look around you, moving her head back and forth. She looks like she is torn between grabbing the controls and continuing to hide herself. “I can’t pilot like this.” She finally admits. You aren’t left with much of a choice. “Get up, hurry.” Without question she rises from her seat, her body pressing into yours. You swing around her as you assume the command seat. “All right, now sit down and get this yellow brick of death moving.” For a moment, nothing happens. “But I’m naked, and you are ALMOST naked!” She finally pleads. A tyranid leaps up onto the back of the suit and starts slashing at it furiously. “No time girl, let’s go!” You spin her around and yank her down onto your lap. Her ass engulfs your pelvis, and despite your best efforts, your little Inquisitor stands at attention, poking her in the cheek.

Not that she has time to think about that, as her hands fly over the controls and the suit lurches to life. You are smooshed by dat heretical ass even more as the suit flies upwards, tossing off the ‘nid. “There are too many, we are going to have to fight them off!” She yells. “Can you handle this many?” You ask, unsure really how many ‘nids are really out there, you cant see the screen, as it is blocked by epic side boob. “I can try.” She finally says as the suit crashes back down. The Tau girl swiftly moves the controls to avoid another warrior that leaps at the suit. The sudden motion causes both of you to shift hard in the seat, and you find suddenly that it has also disengaged the purity seal keeping you in, as it were. The Inquisitor ventures out, ready for exterminatus, as it slips into the crack. The feel of her still wet ass cleavage encompassing you is beyond words, Slaanesh himself jealous of your pleasure. There is an massive fight raging outside, but you are in your own little world now. Every dodge, every strike, causes her to shift around. You can only sit and praise the Emprah for your luck as her wet ass slides back and forth along your heavy bolter. “We’re going to have to hit the jump jets again!” She yells. Her ass is thrust down on you, making the most epic hot dog in the universe and awakening the great void dragon.

“In the Emprah’s name…” You whisper, convulsing with pleasure. You can’t hold it in. Bolter fire explodes on her ass. Your body shudders as her hips move on their own, grinding on your champion as he fires hot bursts of plasma into the canyon. “Hah, I finally got them all!” She yells in triumph, until her voice trails off. “What was that hard thing, and why is my butt wet Commissar?” She reaches a hand back and rubs her crack, then looks inquisitively at the white heresy on her hand. The Tau girl tilts her head slightly, before giving her fingers a curious lick.

“Oh man, I can’t actually believe that happened!” Nurlge belches and laughs madly from his throne. “Hey Tzeentch, hey? Was that “Just as planned?” I thought you hated this guy!” Tzeentch glowers in the corner, sulking.

"Its... Ah...Food. Guardsman custom for being saved, all yours blue." She gives you a quizzical look before shrugging. "It would be rude of me to deny custom, but do I have to eat it off of you though?" She asks, a bit hesitant at the thought. "Uh... Yeah... Traditions and all, you understand." The Tau girl pauses for a moment before turning around in the cramped cockpit and lowering her face to your groin. The High Inquisitor has taken a hit, lost a wound, but he stands back up in defiance, ready to blast the xeno. She begins to lick you, her soft tongue sliding across your thighs and shaft slowly, lapping up the heretical juices. You moan in ecstasy, and she looks up at you unsure. "All part of the ritual..." You assure her. She buys it, and lowers herself back down, brushing the hair out of her face. She pauses at your defiant champion as he madly waves his chainsword, before taking him in her mouth. "Praise the Emprah..." You mumble at the sensation. Her mouth is ridiculously warm, and her tongue swirls around you, hungrily cleaning you off. The Inquisitor feels the urge to exterminatus rising as the Tau takes more and more of him, eagerly now.

The second black crusade is rapidly approaching.

"FOR THE EMPRAH!!!" You shout as you bury your sword. The High Inquisitor gives the command, exterminatus. White hot fury erupts from the flagship, soaring into the foul xeno void. The Tau girl panics, eyes wide, and tries to pull away. You hold here there though, until the Inquisitor, mission accomplished, succumbs to his wounds and shrivels. When you finally let her go she coughs and then, unexpectedly, smiles. "Don't think I didn't know what you were up to, guardsman, but you did save me from those awful bugs." She manages, mouth full. You can hardly hear her from your position on the golden throne as you and the Emprah celebrate the day. "Thanks?"

She swallows. "I'm Ailia!" She finally adds cheerily.

"Max."

Thread 4: HERESY, HERESY EVERYWHERE

“So Ailia, any clue as to what is going on with this planet?” You ask, as the cockpit opens back up. The Tau girl shrugs as she wades into the hot spring once again to wash herself off, and you do the same. “My brother is the Commander, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. He’s too tough to die, though.” She says softly as water cascades down her hair. “As far as the human presence on this planet, the last time I knew anything was before the Orks started piling on the bodies.” You had hoped for a more optimistic answer, that perhaps some guard had slipped away and were holed up somewhere high and hard with some heavy armor. It’s depressing to think that everyone you knew in the guard, all of your friends, are dead. The two of you spend the next hour or so in idle chit chat, Ailia always keeping an eye out for more ‘nids. You get another face full as she leaps back onto you, a stick having floated by and nudged her in the back. “I’ve got to go try to link back up with my brother, he will be wondering what’s taken me so long…” She finally declares, doing her best to shake herself dry. “Here.” Ailia says, holding out her personal communicator. “Let’s exchange numbers!” The Tau girl says with a sincere smile. You hold out your own after digging it out of one of your belt pouches.

“H-hey, I’ve never done this before…” “Don’t worry, I’m experienced, I’ll be gentle.” “Wow, your encryption is so huge! I don’t think it’s going to fit!” “Relax babe, just enjoy the connection.” “Ahh! No! It-its too much!” “Hold on, here comes my data! I’m uploading!!!” “Hahhh! Your data, its filling me up!” “Take all of my packets you dirty bitch!”

• *beep*

-Contact added-

“Cool, now I can give you a call after I find my brother and figure out what’s going on!” Ailia sticks her own device back inside the battle suit, before climbing back inside. “Wait, your leaving?” You ask, again unhappy at the thought of being alone again. “Sorry Max, but I’ll call you again for sure.” Ailia smiles. “And maybe next time I’ll show you some Tau customs…” She continues slyly. You watch sadly as the Crisis battle suit fades into the distance, a cold breeze rustling your jimmies. It’s not too far of a trek back to the armory, and you change into some new Commissar digs when you get there. You keep the same hat though. Sitting down, you snack on a ration as you ponder what to do next.

Well, you have had some fun so far no doubt, but maybe it’s time to serious up a bit. That warp hole nearby was spitting out daemons like a fat feral world girl spits out children. But the latest image from the servo skull shows an open warp hole but no flow of horrific denizens of the warp. Something obviously isn’t right. A Chimera should prove easier to drive than a Sentinel, you think. Right up until you lower yourself into the drivers compartment… “How the fuck are there this many LEVERS?!” You shout, offended at the sight. After a bit of agitated flailing and bashing of the controls, you manage to get the APC moving. Several seconds later however, you realize the Chimera is quickly gaining speed and you don’t know how to slow down. “FFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…” You are headed dead center at the open warp hole. Wrenching the controls, you manage to just barely avoid it as you crash right into a large and apparently sturdy wall. The tank slams quickly to a halt, and you hear the engine quit. Must have pissed off the machine spirit when you insultingly slammed it headlong into a seven hundred meter wide stationary building. Your head hurts, having bounced hard off of all things, a lever. Still, you crawl out of the back hatch to assess the damage. You are just about to see if you can back out; get a Maaco paint job, and hope no one notices, when a dark voice stops you in your tracks. “You dare disturb me? Dare to destroy my feast, insufferable mortal wretch?” The voice seemingly coming from everywhere. You are sweating hard, painfully aware at how inadequate the pistol now feels clutched in your hand which is trembling slightly. “You… You shall have to fill it’s place!” A set of fangs sinks into your thigh.

“OW what the fuck!?” You yell as you turn to face your assailant. Expecting a towering, terrifying, horrific daemon, you aren’t exactly sure what to think about what you actually see. “You wrecked my lunch you big dumb meanie!” She screams. The daemonette is small, much smaller than the others. Unlike the ones you saw yesterday, her boobs are nearly non-existent and hidden in a thin black tube top. Her face is young and far less menacing then the older versions. A small fang juts out from her lip as she scowls at you. You would call her cute if you were not still concerned about how many ways she could likely torture you to death. You notice a table flipped over, and various food items littered about it, each in a varying state of disarray. You are just about to apologize when she kicks you in the shin. “You little brat!” You shout, and before you realize it you have picked up the little daemon by her leg and are now holding her upside-down. The short skirt she was wearing obeys gravity and before you know it you are staring at the backside of a daemon. “S-stripes?” You manage to stutter before she catches you in the chin with her other foot. In retrospect, totally worth it, yellow and white is an interesting combo. “You perv!” The little daemon yells as she kicks you again. You let her go as you avoid another blow, and she falls to the ground with a pomf. She glowers furiously at you, the animosity apparent. Her eyes narrow further and you expect perhaps to be eaten by the warp. But just then, a single tear streaks down her purple face. You realize she is crying, though trying to hold back her tears and avoiding your gaze. “All I wanted was to eat in peace, and you wrecked it…” She sobs. Well now you feel like an asshole.

“H-hey, don’t cry!” You stammer, you are really not sure what to make of this situation. She looks back up at you with her wet eyes, fat tears still streaming down her face. “I think I’ve got some food in that tank, let me see if I can find it.” You rummage through the back of the Chimara. Lasgun cleaning supplies, various junk items, latest edition of Admechgirl… Found them! You drag out the box of rations and choose the “chicken emperor salad” as it’s one of the least awful ones. The little girl begins to eagerly devour the food. You aren’t sure how, you can barely stomach any of those things. The daemon girl isn’t watching, this might be the only chance you have. Silently you draw your sword, inching it from its scabbard, praying she doesn’t notice. It looks like she’s remained oblivious as she continues to stuff her face. It turns your stomach a little to think you are about to lop off the head of this cute little daemon, still, to do otherwise would be heresy. “SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!”

You spin around in time to see a chain axe speeding toward your face. Barely managing to block the blow, the force of it throws you back nonetheless. The Khornette laughs madly, swinging the axe in blazing arcs as you struggle to keep up. Each strike you block knocks you backwards from the force. “TRYING TO KILL MY LITTLE SISTER? I’LL RAPE YOUR FUCK HOLES WHILE THE LIFE FADES FROM YOU, HUMAN!” It’s no use, you finally realize. She’s far too strong, you can barely keep up and you are tiring fast. In a last ditch effort you grip the sword above your head, trying desperately to somehow put her on the defensive. The chain axe catches you in the gut, roaring and spraying with blood and guts as it burrows ever deeper into you. Pain, excruciating pain. You are laying on your back, your broken mind trying to stuff your own intestines back into the gaping wound. Slowly though, a numbness begins to creep out into your body. You are so cold now. Your world grows dark...

It’s so hard to open your eyes, as though some dick techpriest has glued them shut as a prank after an all night drinking binge.

“Max….”

The voice sounds so far away, but the power emanating from it is something beyond comprehension.

“Hey, Max. Dude wake up.”

Finally you manage to crack open your eyes, your vision a bit blurry. The Emperor himself is peering down, at you. His golden armor is brilliant against the white background, gleaming as though it was brand new. He is waxing a surf board. “E-Emprah?” You manage, weakly.

The Emperor nods. “Yeah bro, it’s me.”

It’s a struggle to move your head as you look around. The whole place is just an endless backdrop of white, as though this place exists but doesn’t. “Am I dead?” You finally ask, unable to look down at your own stomach for fear of what you might see. The Emperor turns back to his board, a brilliant green one.

“Yeah man, you caught one in the stomach, didn’t you? You are dead, kinda.”

Finally you look down, but with a bit of relief you notice that the wound isn’t there. It takes all of your strength to sit up. “Emprah, I… I’m so sorry, I’ve been so heretical and…” The Emperor stands up, his size is daunting. This is beyond your abilities of your mind, to be so close to your god.

“Listen dude, you are the first human I’ve spoken to in a loooonnggg time. I didn’t bring you here without having my reasons.”

Your mind is reeling, the Emperor brought you here personally after you were slain by a Khornette? It has to be some kind of death hallucination. The Emperor turns and stares out a small window that has opened itself up in the white, through it, what looks like a view of a galaxy. You can’t help but notice, he looks… Sad…

“I’ve been watching for millennia as the universe as we know it tears itself apart at the seams. As my followers, once so righteous and devout, stray from my path and falsify my word.”

This can’t be happening, there just is no way.

“Its… Depressing, to say the least.” He mutters, resting his chin on his fist in deep thought.

If it’s real, than surely you can speak to the Emperor. But since it’s fake, there’s no way he will answer you. This is obviously some kind of chaos god trick. “Emprah, if I may ask… And I do so with only the utmost veneration. Where have you been? What have you been doing?” The Emperor turns his gaze back to you, brow knit as though pondering what it means to be a mortal such as yourself. What seems like an age passes.

“Surfing.” He finally admits. “I’ve been surfing.”

“Huh?” You ask, realizing only than how disrespectful you sound.

“Yeah man. I’ve been taking up lives on feral worlds, ones with nice beaches. Surfing just kind of happened… It had been so long since I had known joy, it really just took over my life.”

The Emperor has spent the last several thousand years surfing… Your body wasn’t prepared for this. The God Emperor shrugs, putting his board aside.

“But enough about me, I want to talk about YOU.” He says, pointing one gleaming finger right at your forehead.

“Me?” You ask, with a gulp.

“You.” The Emperor confirms. “I’ve been watching you since before your birth, Max. Long have I waited for a mortal righteous and level-headed enough to become my new right hand.”

Your head is spinning. Tzeentch is obviously playing some kind of trick.

“It’s not a trick, Max. While I love all of my children, this task is not something I can bestow upon some zealous chapter master or trigger happy Inquisitor. Not without them tainting my goal.”

“Emprah, I…” But he holds up a hand to quiet you.

“It was one of my last surfing trips…” His story begins. “I was really ripping it up, the surf was intense. Then suddenly this group of feral Orks comes charging out. Only they don’t attack me, they start cheering me on from the shore. I spent a lifetime with this group, teaching them the ways of the board. It was then that I realized the mistake of humanity. We shouldn’t be purging the xenos, in this endless conflict. We should be making the universe a more righteous place, and you seem to understand that… Aside from nearly killing that little daemonette, kind of a dick move broski.”

The Emperor laughs at your face, which is surely a sight to behold.

“But first, before I return you to the mortal world, we’re going to a party.”

Are you a bad enough dude to party with the Emprah?

Your broken mind can barely formulate a thought as your lips move on their own. “A… Party… Emprah?” He reaches down and lifts you to your feet with one hand.

“Yeah, Chaos gods invited me and told me to bring a friend along. Could have sworn Nurlge said something about Tzeentch but the communication ended before he could finish… Could have sworn he said “shlicking”, whatever that means…”

He spins you around, looking you over thoughtfully.

“The Commissar outfit is pretty stylish, but it could use a bit extra. BAM!”

Your clothes suddenly glow with the light of the Emprah, and they begin to morph. What once was a utilitarian battle garb is now a suit of awesome fit for even the most radical chaos-god house party. They feel just so RIGHT against your skin, as though the Emperor himself had personally tailored them just for you. “Emprah be praised… I don’t even know what to say.” You really don’t, this is all just so much so fast.

The Emperor laughs, a booming but cheerful kind of laugh. The kind of laugh that when you hear at the pub drinking with your homies, you can’t help but crack a smile and laugh along with.

“Get ready for this, the last mortal I teleported like this described the event as “what?”.” The Emperor rubs his hands together quickly, as though getting ready. “ZAP!”

And your world explodes into color.

When your mind finally stops freaking out, man, you take in everything before you. This is, without a doubt, the most epic party ever to exist. It is perhaps even the most epic beyond the very fabric of existence, this party might be existence itself. The Emperor stands beside you, still wearing his golden armor. Though now a stylish black top hat adorns his head and a massive cane with a swirling galaxy inside it’s shaft, rests in his hand. “I did set you up with a few dates, some Daemon girls, cute ones to boot. You were going to get a pick one out of the three, to be decided in a strip competition. But I’m not sure if that’s going to happen now, you REALLY pissed off two of them and the third is mad you tried to off her littlest sister.”

He nudges you and points over to a table which seats three of the most beautiful beings you’ve ever witnessed. The little loli daemonette sits, glowering at you. Only her features are a thousand times more perfect here. She’s wearing a frilly black dress that barely covers her butt, as well as a scowl as she stares. That Khornette; the one who, well, killed you, is there as well. Her armor is gone and in its place a brilliant skin tight white dress with an embroidered void dragon snaking up the side. Her skin is a cooler red now, and it looks ridiculously soft and smooth even from here. She mouths “I raped your skull holes” even as she glares. A Nurglette, whom you hadn’t seen before, sips a glowing blue drink through a crazy straw. She is wearing a vibrant orange dress which has symbols of Nurlge that move all about it, somehow a moving image inside the fabric itself. The dress revealing enough of her generous cleavage to speed up your heart. Her eyes watch you, and though she doesn’t glare at you like the others, she looks wholly disappointed.

Now you really wish you hadn’t boned yourself over, a strip competition between these three, the thought almost gives you a heart attack. “Hey Emprah…” You start to ask, but he shakes his head at you.

“You are a far out dude, Max, but you’ve made your bed and you’re going to have to sleep in it. All I can tell you is that those three are close knit, don’t expect it to be easy to win them back. They were all really excited about meeting you too…”

With that, the Emperor heads off to a bar containing every drink to have ever existed. You can’t blame the guy, you did screw it up for yourself. He was bro enough to set you up with a chance of a lifetime, not his fault you frittered it away. You aren’t going to give up though, thoughts of jiggling daemonette bits getting thrown around in your face. You will win these three over, you are just going to have to be one smooth ass operator. As you approach the table, the three girls stare at you even harder. You can almost feel the dislike emanating from each of them. This isn’t going to be easy. You clear your throat.

“Ladies…” You begin. “Jackass.” The loli interrupts you. You sigh and take a seat across from them, their glares don’t let up. “I deserve that, I know. Trying to kill you like that was… Underhanded, at best.” They don’t seem to care, but you’re not finished yet. “I hadn’t ever seen a daemon until just a few short days ago, and the first time I did, well… It was nothing too pleasant. I had a lot of friends in that unit, some guys I had practically grown up with. They were my friends, my brothers, and they are all dead now, those daemonettes didn’t show them any kind of mercy.”

Your voice chokes up a bit. You aren’t just trying to pull this off, this shit be sincere yo. You hadn’t told anyone this stuff yet, and though it feels good to let it out, it’s painful to relive. The daemonette’s faces relax a bit, their eyes growing perhaps a bit softer, as they listen to your story. “I mean, my best friend was out there. Douglas Tannar, met him in basic training. Dude saved my life on more than one occasion, he was one of the toughest mother fuckers I’ve ever met. He… He got ripped to pieces right in front of me, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.” You bite your lip, suddenly feeling like being here a whole lot less. “You know what, I’m sorry, I’m not going to screw up your night. You girls have a fun time…” You stand up and start to walk away, deep in thought.

Until a small hand grabs the back of your uniform lightly. It’s the littlest daemonette, and she’s looking you right in the eyes, no longer glaring. “It’s ok, I forgive you.” She says quietly, before blushing and turning back to sip her drink. “So, what do you suggest we do?” The Khornette asks, stirring her cocktail which looks disturbingly like blood. “I’ll let you girls figure it out, I don’t really know and to be honest I don’t know if I deserve to choose.” The three damonettes look between each other, as though they can communicate without words. You watch for a minute as their expressions change, maybe they really can?

Finally the Nurglette leans back and turns to you. “Well, we’ve decided to give you another shot, and we might even continue with our earlier… Plan. But there’s a catch.” A catch? You don’t know if you like where this is going. “We’ll give you such a sight your mortal eyes might well leap from your head in pleasure, but first, you have to put on a show for us.” The three get up and grab onto you, leading you away from the party into a private room. The lounge is empty save for you four, and they close the door behind you. Velvety seats sit in front of a stage illuminated by faint red lights. Three stripper poles standing erect, dead center. “Well, go on than, whelp. ENTERTAIN ME!” The Khornette grunts, giving you a shove toward the stage. What is it they want you to do, exactly? Shit, you don’t know.

“Dun-nun-nun-na NA NA NA NA!” You begin to sing as you start the magic show. Out of a pocket in your threads, you pull out a pack of cards and start shuffling. “Dun-nuh-nah nah, NAH NAH NA NAH!” You being shuffling the cards furiously, the three girls staring up at you with “what the fuck am I watching” faces. “Dah nah na nah na NAH!” You suddenly throw the cards with a snap of your fingers. The deck flies out right at the girls. The cards cutting the straps of their clothes…

And their dresses fall to the floor around their feet. “POOF!” You yell.

The three girls just stand there, faces a mixture of shock and awe. Cards litter the floor. Oh Emprah. Dem underwears. The girls each blush hard, clearly having been caught completely off guard. Tzeentch is raging from her position at the other end of the party, shredding her paper which reads “Plan”. The Khornette is wearing a black lace set, complete with garterbelt. You notice she has a push-up bra, and her tits are slightly smaller than you had expected, a c maybe? Is she perhaps self conscious? Maybe with good reason, when you take a look at the Nurglette. Her underwear is far more girly. Pink and more modest, though her bra struggles mightily it can’t completely contain those massive daemonic gifts. It is alarmingly cute. The loli is in matching purple panties and bra, each with a printed symbol of Slaanesh on them. She is trying awkwardly to cover herself though. “Ta-dah!”

“Hmph, I’m not going to let you have the last laugh. Prepare yourself, human, for your mind to be melted.” The Khornette snaps as she pushes you off the stage. “Oh my, you have some very skilled hands there. Perhaps you can introduce them to me later, more… personally.” The Nurglette coos as she runs her hand down one of the poles. “It was… A nice trick.” The loli shrugs. Oh yeah, time for this show to begin. You can barely contain your anticipation. More multicolored stage lights flip on and an unseen daemonic dj drops a fresh beat. The Khornette wastes no time and begins grinding her ass into the pole as she rips her bra down and makes aggressive suggestive movements with her tongue. The Nurglette is a bit more modest, and starts off by flipping upside-down and spinning slowly as she slides down the pole. The loli looks you right in the eye as she grips the pole hard and close to her body, and begins licking it. Their dancing continues, growing ever more intense, each one of them slowly stripping off their remaining garments. Slowly, each of them staring right in your eyes, they walk down to you. Blood rushing from your head, they all take a seat on your lap. “Time to pick your date…” The Nurglette whispers in your ear before giving it a little nibble. “I just can’t decide, it’s too hard of a choice.” You finally concede. The three look at each other, communicating silently again.

They finally turn back to you, finished with their silent communiqué. “Well, it can’t be helped I guess. You’ll just have to take all three of us.” Khornette says, swirling a finger around on your pants. You gulp. While the thought of having not one, but THREE of these girls all up on your junk is exciting, realizing how difficult the task will be to pleasure them all later is daunting. The three girls put their underwear back on, making sure you get a nice show of it. The amount of ass and titties in your face is obscene. You love it. They repair their dresses with a bit of daemonic power and put them back on as well, before finally grabbing you by the arm. “Time to party!” The loli shouts. “The Emprah’s work is never finished.” You fist pump.

Meanwhile...

The Emperor downs another pitcher of his favorite beer as he laughs at Typhus’s Ork joke. That dude is seriously a comedy gold mine. “Ah damn, gotta drain the “psycher”, be right back.” He says, slapping Typhus on the back, who turns to tell Slaanesh one about a Tech-priest walking into a bar. He stumbles a bit as he makes his way to the little gods room, finally relieving himself. “Oh Terrah, that’s better…” Suddenly, the lights go out. “What in my name?” He mutters, spinning around. Tzeentch is standing there in all her glory. …Holding her head as she looks at the ground, completely lost on what to do next. “Emperor… I…” She stammers. He looks at her quizzically. “Ohhhh… Screw the plan!” She shouts, throwing herself at him.

"Tzeentch, what are you..." The Emperor stammers, as he looks down at the red-faced chaos goddess. "Quiet, you fool! Don't ruin this..." She says, before working to strip off her armor. The Emperor is a bit stunned as he takes in the sight. "Ugh, this is so hard to remove." Tzeentch grinds her teeth as she pulls at his codpiece. "I'ts... Its my first time, so be gentle, ok?" The raven goddess says quietly, face burning. Slowly, she lowers her queen of change toward his golden throne... "So...So good!" Tzeentch yells as she thrusts the Emperor's holy sword into her void of chaos. "I feel the warp overtaking me, it is a good feeling!". He shouts as his hands grab her hips.

ALSO MEANWHILE...

"Oh... Max...." She moans softly as a finger slips inside her wet psycherpot. "Ha...Hah!..." She is on her knees now, and grabs one of her firm breasts. Esh knows this is completely taboo, but she can't stop now, imagining your tongue violating her chastity. But than imaginary you flips her around so her ass is now I full view. "W-wait! You cant lick that spot mon-aaahhhh!" Too late, your tongue begins to lick her dark eldar, and she squirms as she tries to hide her pleasure. Esh's fingers are moving furiously now, grinding into her most secret places. Her hips are bucking and jumping slightly, and she bites her own arm to mask the obscene moans she cant believe she's making. "Max! No! I'm... I'm going to...!" Esh's hips give out under the overwhelming pleasure and she flattens against the ground. Her fingers slow, now slick with her own juice. She let's out a satisfied sigh. "Wah? What did I... What did I just do?" She ponders to herself in between pants. "There's no way I like that stupid mon-keigh... It's not even possible...". She finally manages to sit up and make herself decent again. "Still... Maybe I should give him a call..." She says quietly, looking down at her communicator.

Thread 5: "HERESY SOON!" "WHEN?" "NOW"

Three lovely daemonettes in tow, each still a bit worked up after their strip-off, you head back into the main room. The party has intensified tremendously. There are even more daemonettes of all shapes, colors and sizes dancing inside cages lifted above the party-goers below. A few of them make some cat-calls in your direction, and the three daemons you are with grip you even harder, hissing at the cage strippers. Nurgle is getting absolutely plastered on some vile looking green drink, which bubbles and steams disturbingly. Isha, holding him by the arm, is trying to get the big guy to slow down but failing because a witty little nurgling is cracking her up with Eldar jokes. Slaanesh is in a line-for-line competition with Doomrider, each of them already snorting piles the size of your head in a single go. Each of them complete with no less than twenty assorted daemonettes each pleasuring them and getting blasted with purple daemon baby batter in turn. Neither of them seem to notice though. Khorne, already completely sloshed, is swinging his chain axe at a potted plant while going back and forth between howling madly and bawwing his eyes out. As for Tzeentch and the Emprah, you don’t see either of them. Strange… Well, you aren’t going to let it bother you. It isn’t every day you have horny bitches clinging to you. Oh wait, yes it is.

The girls lead you over to a bar where a Keeper of Secrets is tending, slapping down some truly bizarre concoctions. Most of which, you are pretty sure extend far into DO NOT WANT territory. There is something very unnerving about a drink with pink flailing tentacles, though many of the daemonettes seem to be enjoying said drink as it… Well… Enjoys them. Each of your three girls takes a turn ordering what they were drinking earlier, bitches have favorites you guess. Finally the greater daemon looks at you expectantly. “Uhh...” You mumble, stalling for time. “I’ll take a glass of Emprah’s Mark, over rocks…” You finally decide. The greater daemon looks at you like you had just ordered an extra sweet pink lemonade margarita or something, but reluctantly fixes your drink. You take a sip, the whisky goes down smooth. Doesn’t taste any different from what you remembered either. Hopefully full of chaos tricks, you think to yourself, as you watch a light turquoise daemonette being throat violated by her own drink. The four of you make your way to an empty table, the three girls crowding around you on the booth seat. “So uh, ladies. I don’t think we’ve been properly introduced yet. My name’s Max Decarus. Now what names do you fine girls have?” You ask, trying to put your best pimp cane forward. “Lilith!” The slaaenesh loli yells before the other two can speak. “Ugh… Little brat… I’m Kaleshi.” The khornette growls. “My name is Nyx, hun.” The nurglette smiles at you. “Nice to meet you all.” You say before taking another drink.

The three girls look between each other again. This is too coincidental, they have to be talking to each other somehow. “Well Max,” Keleshi finally turns back to you. “What is it you feel like doing?” “Uhh, you girls want to go dance?” You ask, gesturing with a thumb over to the floor. The stage is massive, sprawling. You could fit several baneblades on that stage. A plethora of colored lights flash and pulse as the music blares. “But Lilith doesn’t know HOW to dance!” The little daemonette protests. “You’ll be fine, dear.” Nyx assures her. You feel a flutter in your stomach as they take you in hand and lead you over to the massive mob of dancing daemonettes and various warp entities. The last time you danced was at your guardsman graduation ceremony. Your last dance being with a very large and very angry ogryn girl who gave you the choice of a dance or being clubbed in the head, dragged to her bunk, and snu snued roughly all night. You had chosen to dance. Suddenly, the terrifying hulk of Khorne himself lurches in front of you and you stop, dead in your tracks. “ARE YOU HAVING FUN MY SWEET LITTLE SKULL FLOWER?!” He roars, smashing a chair into dust which than ignites and flames out into ash. Kaleshi smiles at him before jumping up and planting a little kiss on his cheek. “I’M HAVING A GREAT TIME!” She yells back at him. With that, the god looks you over, nods as though he doesn’t have much of a choice, and wanders off to find more “BOOZE FOR THE BOOZE GOD!” “…Wait, I thought you guys were sisters?” You ask, very confused now. “Well we are, silly. See, technically daemonettes are made when a chaos god eja…” You hold up a hand, cutting Nyx off. “On second thought, don’t really want to know the details.” The four of you finally make it to the dance floor, which you step on with a bit of a trepidation. Well, here goes nothing…

The beat is dropping, lasers are soaring above you through a haze of fog. You swallow hard, why are you more nervous now than when you were staring fucking ABBADON in the face as you charged him with a sword? Alright man, gotta play it smooth here. Is all you can keep telling yourself. You aren’t forced to show your hand, however, as your three dates take the lead for you. This is almost too much fun to believe. Dancing had never been something you had sought out, but nothing you shied away from either. But now, with these three eagerly swaying and grinding on you… The music stops, the lights stop, the lasers stop. The crowd hovers on the silence, expectantly. With overwhelming force it restarts as noise marines pop out of the ground near the DJ and start playing along with the music. “YOU KNOW, UNDER NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES, YOUR BRAIN WOULD MELT FROM THAT SOUND!” Kaleshi cheers happily as she jumps onto you, wrapping her legs around your waist, and leaning until she is upside-down. Nyx is grinding hard on your leg, her eyes closed in bliss as she dances. She looks like she is really enjoying herself. Lilith, meanwhile, has taken to flailing around madly. Other dancers have to back out of her way as she thrashes and kicks around the dance floor, giggling excitedly. You are getting a bit taken with the music now, the crowd, the noise. Now you really start letting yourself loosen up as you grab the two older sisters and dance with them. They both look happy you finally came around. “I’MMA LET YOU NOISE MARINES FINISH, BUT ITS TIME TO SLOW THIS FUCKER DOWN A BIT!” The DJ, a massive unclean one with a shirt reading “Sir Decay” yells over the mic.

“Hah!” Nyx says, wiping off her face as best she can. “I need to go cool off a bit, it’s way too hot out here.” And with that, she leaves you alone with the khornette, who’s eyes turn to you. “Guess it’s just us…” You shrug. “…mmm…” She barely answers, biting her bottom lip and looking away. You didn’t know a khornette could blush, her cheeks glowing an even darker red. Its… Pretty damn cute, you are forced to admit. “Shall we?” You ask, holding out your right hand to her. Kaleshi looks at it with uncertainty, before lowering her head and refusing to make eye contact. She mumbles something. “Pardon?” “I… I don’t know how.” She finally answers, blushing even harder. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you look bad.” You smile sincerely and take her by the hand.

With ample hesitation, she follows you. Gathering as much smoothness as you can muster you place your hands on her waist and show her where to put hers. She does so, but still adamantly refuses to look you in the eyes. The song is slow, but sweet rather than mournful. You don’t think too hard on it, nor the crowd around you. Your gaze is fixed firmly on the now shy khornette who killed you but several hours ago. And you are enjoying every second of it. So wrapped up are you, that you don’t even notice as the crowd backs off around you, leaving just you and her alone on the massive dance floor. “Hah! Hey Max, we’re the only ones dancing!” Kaleshi exclaims, trembling as she looks around to the crowd who is watching you two. “Don’t worry about them, just loosen up and have some fun.” You tell her, though in the back of your mind panic bells are sounding and the Admiral is demanding status reports. Finally, her eyes move up from their focal point of boring through your chest, and meet your own. She looks terrified, but maybe a bit happy too? You lead her though the whole song, dancing as best as you know how. Sir Decay dabs his eyes with a soggy brown cloth and a noise marine looks at him, puzzled. “It’s just fucking beautiful, man.” He answers as he turns back to watch you and Kaleshi dance. After what seems like an eternity, a new song fades in and one by one the crowd rejoins you. Kaleshi sighs heavily in relief. “That was, without a doubt, the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done.” She admits as she grabs your hand and leads you over to the closest bar, ordering herself the same drink as earlier with the addition of ice. “You did really well.” You tell her. “Hmmm…” Is all she says in response. A minute or so goes by as she rapidly sucks down the drink. “Well, I’m going to go find those other two idiots and get cleaned up a bit. Here.” She says, thrusting something into your hands. “Be there in an hour.” And with that, she disappears out of sight. You look down and open your hand. Resting in your palm is what appears to be a room key, etched with glowing demonic letters that reads “Suite 66”. Well, looks like you have an hour to burn.

Before you can decide what to do, you feel a heavy gauntlet land on your shoulder. “STOP RIGHT THERE IMPERIAL SCUMMMMM!!!!!!” Doomrider’s flaming head lowers into view, grinning madly. “Doomrider! My man!” You shout, as he bro-fists you. The drug fiend biker takes the seat next to you, and lights up what looks like a cigarette. “So, how goes it? Looks like you and the blood god’s kid had some fun out there.” He leans back as he takes a slow draw. “Yeah, she’s actually a lot sweeter than you would think.” You can’t help but grin as you think about it. “Glad to hear you’re having a good time. I beat that fucker Slaanesh and he’s dodging me because he refuses to pay up on the bet.” Wait the fuck out, is Doomrider being chill as fuck right now? “Hey Doomrider, you aren’t normally this chill, what gives?” You ask, taking a sip of another whiskey. Doomrider exhales, a cloud of vibrant green smoke rising from his teeth. “Yeah, purified Eldar souls.” He says, holding out the joint. “Want to give it a try?” “…Well… It isn’t every day you get a chance to try something like that.” You admit, accepting the glowing purple j. With a bit of hesitation, you slowly inhale.

The voices of ten thousand Eldar crying out in tremendous pain fills every inch of your mind. All of your senses blank out, it feels like you are spinning at a million miles an hour. Suddenly you are perched atop a landraider as it hits a hill and goes roaring up, flying into the air. “ITS YOUR ONE WAY TICKET TO MIDNIGHT! CALL IT! HEAVY METAL!!!” You sail about the galaxy on the tank, vibrant colors flashing and spinning all around you. Just as quickly as it began, so does it end. “Dude WHAT?” Doomrider grins. “Pretty crazy shit right?” “Yeah…” You admit. Your head feels very strange, somehow… More perceptive?

“Did that… Do something to me?” You ask, a bit afraid as it feels as though your mind has begun to stretch. Doomrider shrugs as he takes another drag. “No idea, no human’s ever done Eldar before.” “…Right…” Still, the feeling isn’t a BAD one, just very different. “I’m not going to die though, am I?” Doomrider looks over and laughs at your question, shaking his head and barely managing to take another hit. “You’re in here already, aren’t you man? Quit freaking out, everything will be cool.” You are staring very intently at the glass in front of you, making sure you have a firm grasp on reality… Though you admit, you aren’t sure if the warp counts as reality. Your body lurches as you sneeze unexpectedly. The glass in front of you shatters into pieces without having been touched. Doomrider cracks up, shaking from the laughter so hard he fucks up and starts coughing up plumes of green. What did that stuff DO?

“SLAANESH YOU FUCK! GET BACK HERE AND GIVE ME MY RAPE HANDS!” Doomrider screams and summons his motorcycle, roaring off in pursuit of the pleasure god, leaving you alone. The bartender looks at you dubiously as he cleans up your mess and sets another drink down in front of you, which you quickly down. You glance at the clock, half an hour has passed by. Imagining your good luck, as you turn over the room key in your hand, gives you a bit of your bearings back. Yeah you may have just inhaled a couple thousand psychers, but it probably won’t have any lasting and far reaching consequences… You can’t even assure yourself about that, as you explode the glass again. The bartender looks at you, and you get the feeling it's time to go. You've got about fifteen until you have to go find the room. You spend the time in a bathroom doing your best to get cleaned up a bit yourself. You notice you have got quite the start of a beard going on.

Fuck it, you are still a soldier after all. Hell, you give yourself a brazillian. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” You shout into the mirror. A khorne berserker leans back from a urinal to give you a weird look. Ignoring him, you towel off and slap on some after shave. You are pretty tense at the thought of what is about to happen. You’ve never been with three girls at the same time, let alone three daemonettes. How long does a daemonette even last in bed? Can you even sate one of their thirsts let alone three? Shaking your head, you give yourself a pep talk in your head. “Cmon kid, you can do this shit, just remember everything I’ve taught you.” Creed says as he sprays some water in your mouth, his beady eyes fixed on your opponents. Looking over at the other side of the ring, three daemonettes all dancing around, mocking you.

• Ding ding*

You fist pump, you can do this shit. The card slides into the box on the door, and there is a faint click and a red symbol of khorne changes over to a green nurgle one. With a quick push, you enter the room and shut the door behind you. “Oh…My…Emprah…”

The three daemonettes are lounging around in their underwear, their hair still a bit damp, clearly they have all been in the shower. Each of them is staring right at you. “Oh? Lost the beard did you, shame. Though you do look, statuesque.” Nyx coos as she flips over onto her stomach, rotating one of her feet in the air. “Nice of you to join us.” Kaleshi says coolly from her seat on the bed. You notice she’s tried to boost her boobs even more and has done up her hair stylishly. Lilith is too busy playing vidya on the hologram to do anything but mutter something incoherent. Your heart is pumping furiously and the Inquisitor has awoken from his nap and grabbed his power sword, facing the daemons with the weapon bared right at them. “Oh!” Nyx exclaims when she sees it, faking embarrassment as she puts a hand to her cheek. Well, it isn’t fair to be the only one wearing their party garb. You strip off your suit until you’re wearing nothing but your golden boxers that shine in the sensual lighting. The hat stays too. “Ladies, who’s ready for their punishment first?” You manage, crossing your arms and ignoring the Inquisitor who is shaking and sputtering like a mad kroot tied to a tree. The three girls all look at each other again, you know they are discussing silently amongst themselves.

“It’s my turn first!” Lilith shouts, shoving the other two aside as she leaps at you. Two feet to the chest and you are knocked onto your back, landing hard on the bed. The eager little daemonette rips off your boxers and freezes, staring intently at your power sword. You watch as she gets close to it, looking it over as though it were some kind of scientific experiment. Her tongue reaches out slowly, and she gives it a lick. Its blatantly obvious, as she increases her licking and kissing, that she doesn’t really know what she’s doing. But the innocence is a massive turn on. Lilith takes as much as she can, which admittedly is more than you thought she would be able to, and starts going to town on it. You look down at her and notice she is obviously enjoying it, likely driven by some innate primal desire, but enjoying it nonetheless. She slurps as her mouth finally releases you, and the little daemonette crawls up until she’s hovering over you. Her face contorts in a mix of pleasure and pain as she lowers herself slowly, your power sword piercing her frontal armor with a STR10 attack. “Ahhh… So good…” She moans and before you know it, she’s rapidly picking up the pace. The tightness is beyond comprehension, and it quickly has you at the edge. Lilith puts her arms around you as you sit up and grab her hips to help her out. She’s panting heavily in your ear as she grinds herself around. “Ngh!” You feel her tense up suddenly than become instantly and incredibly relaxed. “Haaaah…” She moans, sinking down. Before you know it, she’s asleep. Leaving your Inquisitor very worked up and cranky. “Hmm, looks as though it’s my turn already.” Nyx smiles as she lifts the limp little daemon off of you and sets her on the rooms other bed.

Nyx pushes you back down to the bed as she unhinges her bra and lets her massive gifts of nurgle out for you to see. They are quite glorious. She gives you a bit of a show as she bends over and slowly pulls off her panties, revealing the heresy underneath. Nyx sees you watching intently and giggles. “Don’t worry Commissar, I won’t leave you so indisposed.” She lays down on the bed and pulls you over on top of her. Still wet and worked up from the appetizer, the Inquisitor dives into the main course. Though not as innocently tight as her sister, she is still beyond what you had expected. Completely not according to plan, she yelps in pain. “Huh?” You freeze, worried you really screwed something up. Nyx blushes and runs her fingers lightly along your back. “Sorry…” She mumbles, “It’s my first time.” You keep going as she pulls you closer, making sure to take it easy on her this time. You had always expected a nurglette to be dripping, disgusting, and smelly, but none of those is the case. Nyx makes sweet little noises as you slowly start to increase your speed, you can feel her starting to pull you in faster and faster. Her nails dig into you a bit and she stares into your eyes. She looks incredible, and very happy. “Oh Max…” She groans, closing her eyes. You catch the signal and thrust harder and faster. Nyx is pushing herself up into you now, and one of her hands reaches behind her head and grabs the sheet. “I-I’m…!” But she doesn’t have time to finish before you feel her insides pulsate and her back arches in delight. She stays like that for several seconds, before lowering herself back onto the bed with a satisfied sigh. “Your turn.” She says coyly, before pushing you out mischievously.

“My turn.” You answer, flipping her over onto her knees and ramming yourself home. She yells out startled, but doesn’t protest. You grab hold of her luscious ass as you drive your sword as deeply into the void as you can. The world around you is faded out and you can feel the warp overtaking you With one last slam you give into chaos, sending your marines into the very center of evil. Forgetting to ask about the consequences you rapid fire your plasma cannon. Nyx continues working the gun until it stops shooting. “Hey… Nyx?” You ask, now a bit worried. “Don’t worry about it.” She eases your fears, “Daemonettes can only get preggers if they WANT to.” Well that’s good to hear. You suddenly realize you don’t see Kaleshi anymore…

“BY KHORNE, WHY AREN’T WE FUCKING YET!?” Kaleshi shoves Nyx to the side with a bare foot. Maybe she isn’t all rage and hate, you think to yourself, as you notice her finger and toe nails are painted yellow. Honestly, that is kind of cute. She grabs you and shoves you into a chair. “You had better not screw this up for me, mortal.” She says as she drops down to her knees. She is looking right in your eyes as she grabs a hold of your plasma cannon, which is getting hot again. Oh Emprah is it getting hot. Your Inquisitor, though intrigued at the prospect of investigating the perils of the warp, is a bit unnerved at the khornette’s fangs. You can’t blame him really, one hit from those ignores all saves. Though there isn’t much time to think about it before she drives herself all the way down to your hips, your two little squigs getting an introduction to her chin. This is way different than anything you’ve experienced before. Her tongue lashes at you violently, but it’s smooth and wet so the feeling is beyond words. You have quickly forgotten about her teeth, as you haven’t felt a single fang scrape your power armor. Her mouth is hot, matching her temperament, but it isn’t unpleasant in the least. Instinctively your hand moves down to her bobbing head and you run your fingers through her blinding white hair. It turns a bit strange when you bump up against one of her horns, and she stops to look at you quizzically. “Don’t… don’t touch those.” She mumbles through the side of her mouth. Her pace quickens and your Inquisitor is struggling against all the powers of chaos which are attempting to force him to press the “exterminatus” button, but he refuses to give in, though he can’t hold out much longer under such a brutal attack. Kaleshi looks up at you, one eye closed from the strain of her pace and the depth of your power weapon. “Fuah!” She releases you, spit oozing down her lip in a long strand. “Now it’s time for some real fun!” She says excitedly. The khornette smirks at you, and you can’t help but smile back. She giggles cutely as she reaches under the chair, and pulls out a thin obsidian looking knife. With one quick slash, she separates your Inquisitor and his two servo skulls from their flagship.

Your mind replays it again and again, over and over as nanoseconds tick by. The scene vivid but unreal in your head. There’s no way, that didn't actually happen. Can’t be. You don’t feel any pain, true, but looking down… Yep, it’s definitely not there. Only there isn’t some gaping wound either, just flat nothingness, as if there had never truly been anything there to begin with. Stranger still, as the khornette grins maliciously and licks the tip of your severed goods… You can still feel everything. You spasm in your chair as Kaleshi thrusts your sword to its hilt yet again, she can barely keep one eye open as she struggles to bury it ever deeper. Despite the horror of the situation, you are still on the verge of losing your heresy juice. “Hah!” She says victoriously as she withdraws it from her mouth. “I knew you were ready to blow early, and I’m far from finished with you, human. This way, you can’t climax until I feel merciful enough to let you!” With that, she plops down on all fours and turns so her ass faces you. Smooth, firm, you would normally appreciate this view. Under circumstances where you hadn’t just been “cut off” as it were. The khornette takes your bolter in hand, still dripping from her oral assault, and plunges it into her warp. “Wha!” You can’t stop yourself as you convulse in pleasure. The sensations somehow flowing into you despite the… Separation anxiety.

If Kaleshi’s mouth was hot, her sweet daemon hole is burning. Despite the rough and tumble front she puts on, her body is soft and pleasant, especially the inside. The red skinned warp girl starts moaning quietly, her face against the chaos-star patterned floor, as she works your very confused but very aroused Inquisitor, grinding him around inside of her. “Ahh… This is so much better than just doing it myself, the other girls were right.” She stops, abruptly, and turns her head to look at you. Her eyes are wide and her face is quite in shock. “Didn’t mean to say that out loud?” You inquire, trying to put up a brave front despite your current predicament. The khornette’s face regains its angry demeanor, but she can’t hide her flush cheeks. “Stupid mortal, I was being kind to you earlier, but now… NO MERCY!” Your back arches and you cry out as she plunges you back in as hard and deep as she can fit it. This feeling… You can even feel your little sacs of love slapping into her juicy ass as the khornette ravages herself, her hips getting into the motion and actually pushing back to meet each thrust. She isn’t making any effort to stifle her moans now, and the lewd yet somehow innocent sounds make the fact you literally cannot pull the trigger all the more frustrating. You can tell Kaleshi is getting close to her limit now, her eyes clamped shut and her breath shallow and fast as she uses you as quickly as her hand allows.

She stands up quickly, backs up to you, and plops down on your lap. There is a faint red glow and a hiss, and you suddenly find yourself whole again. Thank the Emprah, that was fucking terrifying. You get the hint and grapple her back onto the ground. She growls at you as she lays on her stomach, looking up at you menacingly, but you know she’s enjoying it. “RAAAAAAHHH…~ahhh~!” She cries out of the blue and grabs another chair leg before winging the whole thing across the room where it shatters against the wall. Daemonic warp energy sparks and crackles across the floor, knocking pictures off of the wall and tipping over a dresser. She’s breathing heavily and looks very flustered now. “Did you just…” “I did.” She snaps before you can finish. Well, whatever, you aren’t done yet. In the chaos you seem to have come disengaged from assault, so you move back to go into BtB combat. You thrust your power weapon forward, ignoring all armor saves this time. Suddenly Kahleshi jumps and yells in surprise, arching her back and whipping her head around to look back at you. Her face a mixture of shock and horror. You look down and quickly realize your mistake. “Surprise!”

…She doesn’t seem amused. Not that it matters, your already finished, and you fall back onto the floor, exhausted. “You didn’t…” She asks. “I DID.” “Ugh… Gross.” Kaleshi sighs in what you think is mock annoyance. The dirty deed done and the fun times winding down, the girls let you shower off first, despite your protests. After which, they kick you out so they can get cleaned up, telling you to be back in another hour. You step back into the party, now severely diminished. Doomrider is chatting up what two daemonettes, while still looking around, Slaanesh must have escaped. Taking the seat next to him as the daemonettes leave to go back to the dance floor, you down a whole Nidade in one gulp. “HAD YOUR FUN DID YOU?!” Doomrider asks, back to his usual self as he helps himself to seven needles of some strange glowing blue concoction. “Can’t say I didn’t.” You respond, reaching for another drink. “SO MORTAL, DID YOU DECIDE ON A DATE YET?” He cackles madly. “…Date?” “SURELY YOU JEST, EVERYONE KNOWS A MORTAL BEDDING A DAEMONETTE IS A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL.” You drop the blue sports drink, as your jaw hits the floor.

Thread 6: TSUNSEER

“I’m not joking, don’t call me shirly, and are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?” Doomrider laughs and shrugs before his motorcycle appears underneath him and he goes screaming away on it. Well shit.

The walk back to suite 66 seems as though it takes an eternity. The daemonettes dancing around and having fun now appear slightly less carefree, as though you’ve discovered some terrible ulterior motive. Your hands tremble a bit as you fish out the key and it takes you several attempts to fit it in the right way to unlock the door. Kaleshi looks up from a Sudoku book as you enter. She’s wearing a small pair of glasses and has a pen sticking out of the corner of her mouth. You never thought a daemonette, let alone a khornette, would play Sudoku of all things. Nyx and Lilith are asleep on the other bed. Though you don’t really care about any of that right now.

“Kaleshi.”

“Max.”

“Are we… Engaged?”

The khornette raises one eyebrow, stares at you for several uncomfortable seconds, than sighs. She sets down her book, marking her place with a miniature chaos banner. You follow her as she grabs your hand and leads you out of the room into the quiet hallway. “What is all of this now?” She asks, arms folded and an incredulous look on her face. “Uhh… Well Doomrider told m…” Kaleshi snorts, interrupting you. “Doomrider? You believed Doomrider of all daemons? Never thought he’d get some pleasure out of screwing with you a bit?” You feel a bit relieved at her words, and let yourself laugh a little. “Yeah I guess I didn’t think that one through, did I?” Kaleshi shrugs. “Well he didn’t outright lie to you though.” “Pardon?” Kaleshi sighs again, heavily, before looking away from you so her silvery white hair obscures her face. “Would… Would it be that much of a problem? If we were…?” She starts playing with a strand of her hair nervously. You pause. This is something you hadn’t really thought about. Would it be too terrible, life with three daemonette waifus? “I hadn’t really thought it over. I don’t really think I would mind.” Kaleshi giggles, and turns back to you with a wide smile. “Well that bit of daemon law is ancient and no longer actually binding. Besides, if you even want a SHOT at me, you’re going to have to court the fuck out of me first.” The awkward silence between you two is broken as the Emprah walks around the corner and waves.

“Yo, Max! Time to get you back into your mortal, fleshy self again before time runs out.”

You turn back to Kaleshi, who plants a kiss on your cheek. “Have fun, and here’s the personal communicator for the three of us.” “Daemons have personal communicators?” You ask, pretty surprised.

“>40k”

“>not having a personal communicator”

Kaleshi responds with a very strange face…

“Alright Emprah, I’m ready for the teleport now.” The Emperor laughs, slapping you on the back.

“Too much chaos interference to do that right now, don’t want you waking up with tentacle arms or something. No no, we’re going to have to ride on out far enough to do it.” “We’re going to do what?” You ask, not liking the sound of it.

“Surf, Max. We’re going to surf the warp.”

With a final goodbye to your favorite little Khornette, you follow the Emperor as he leads you around. Your mind is blown as he takes you out onto the stern of what is actually a massive ship. This party has been on one massive boat this whole time. The scene outside the ship only furthers your downright terror at what the Emperor told you moments ago.

“Oh man, you have no idea how STOKED I am to do this!” He sings as he pulls two surf boards from a closet.

You manage to peer a bit more over the edge and swallow hard. Purplish warp-ness flowing all around you, swirling and moving in maddening ways. Your body is not ready for this. What was that large glass box that just sailed past with two guys in it? Fuck, you don't know. “Uhm, Emprah. I don’t mean to sound doubtful in your own awesomeness, but this may well stretch beyond my realm of abilities…” The Emperor looks up from gazing into the warp giddily. He doesn’t appear to have heard you.

“Grab that board dude, time to get ready. This party made Slaanesh generate some kind of huge pleasure swell and that’s what we’re going to surf on out of here.”

With shaking hands you pick up the board he left for you, a red and black one with the emblem of the Admech on it. Your mind is spinning. There is no way you can do this, what happens if you fall? What happens if the Emprah leaves you behind? Too many questions, no answers, no time.

“LETS DO THIS RADICAL THING!”

The Emperor shouts as he jumps off the back of the ship, shoving his own board underneath his feet. Well, if you don’t go now, he WILL leave you behind. Nothing could have ever prepared you for this, you are probably going to die. Those are the only two thoughts you manage to have before you leap out into the void, clumsily trying to fit your own board underneath you. You can see the Emperor beneath you, who appears to be falling slowly and gazing back for the massive wave that is HOLY FUCKING GOLDEN THRONE IT’S RIGHT GOD DAMN BATMAN BEHIND YOU! “OH FUUUUUUU EMPRAH!!!!” The glowing vorpal wave of pleasure rockets you forward and sends you spinning end over end, holding onto your board for dear life.

“Yeah man! Show that wave who’s Emperor! Make that wave your BITCH!”

The Emperor cheers you on, completely oblivious it seems to your plight. It takes everything you have, but you manage to right yourself until you are again standing on the board. This doesn’t make the ride any less terrifying. Still, you relax just slightly when the Emprah himself glides up to ten feet or so to your right. The look on his face one of absolute joy. Well at least he’s having fun… “Hey Emprah! How long until you can do that teleport thingy or whatever to put me back in my real body?” You shout over to him. The Emperor turns his head and looks back at the ship which is growing ever smaller behind you.

“Bout tree fiddy!” He yells back.

What by the C’tan does that even MEAN!? You don’t have much time to dwell on it, as the Emperor banks hard on the wave. Not wanting to be separated, you do your best to mimic him and follow along. That is, until you slip and fall into the massive wave right beneath you.

Unfathomable pleasure washes over you, pure pleasure. The feeling beyond words. Almost enough to make you release your death grip you have on your board above you.

Almost.

You struggle to pull yourself back onto your board, gasping for air. Not that any of this makes any sense, air in the warp, seriously? It takes everything you’ve got to stand back up again, knees shaking. Thankfully the Emperor is right beside you again, though he doesn’t seem concerned.

“Knew you would make it bro!” He laughs happily, clearly enjoying every second of his time on a board.

“This has been the most bizarre and terrifying ride of my life. Are we far enough for the colors and the warping?” You ask, ready to be back on dry land again.

“Few things I’ve got to tell you before that.” The Emperor says, his face becoming serious.

“We had a talk about what I wanted you to accomplish, but I’ll have to get back to you on when and how to get that ball rolling… I ran into some… Uhh… Complications with Tzeentch…” He fumbles his words, looking distant for a moment.

“You got strange with that chaos goddess, didn’t you?” The Emperor sighs, than shrugs.

“According to Nurgle she’s been infatuated with me for a few millennia now and just didn’t know how to approach me, couldn’t work up the courage.”

You let him leave it at that. “It’s been a… Radical ride, dude.” You tell him.

“Yeah man, you’re a pretty awesome dude. Oh, by the way, I can’t save you from death again.”

“…Wat?”

“Yeah you know dude, can’t let it change your character and all that. Plus the next time I do you would probably fail a perils of the warp roll and self destruct or something. We will talk again though. SHAZAM!”

You wake up suddenly, jolting upright, and slamming your head into the rear hatch of the Chimera. Your head is still ringing from the impact, you hit that door fucking hard. With a groan you rub your poor forehead, but the ringing doesn’t subside. Wait, that’s your personal communicator. It’s a bit of a struggle to find which pocket it’s in, your head does still hurt after all. “Hello?”

“MAXWHERETHEFUCKHAVEYOUBEENANDWHATHAVEYOUDONE!!!!!!!!”

The volume causes your device’s speaker to screech in protest and you hold it at arm’s length from your head. You can still hear a flurry of words, many of which you believe to be a foreign language. The screaming subsides briefly and you venture a bit closer to your own mic. “…Esh?”

“YOU VANISHED FOR A BRIEF SECOND BUT NOW I CAN FEEL. YOUR. MIND! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO!?”

“Uhh… Well…”

“Um, Its quite a bit to explain… You see…” You give her a brief summary of the events that transpired, carefully leaving out the bits about banging three daughters of chaos gods. A minute goes by of silence, you aren’t really sure what drove you to tell her the whole story. Even you have to admit, you will be lucky if there isn’t an Eldar hit team out after you now. “…Still there?” You ask quietly. “So let me get this straight. Not only did you consort with that vile Slaanesh… THING. But you accepted and actually smoked the souls of THOUSANDS of my people?” Yeah, she’s probably going to have you killed. You don’t know how to answer that. She doesn’t say anything more either.

“…Max… That’s so…” Aww shit, here it comes. “That’s so… Selfless.”

Wait, did you just hear that right? You press your device as close as you can to your ear. Is Esh… Crying? “I mean, to take it on your own shoulders to save all those poor Eldar from being consumed by that hell… Knowing full well the consequences… That was so brave.” This is Eldar trickery, has to be. “Yeah well, couldn’t let Slaanesh have those souls if there was something I could do about it… I guess?” Esh bursts into sobs and you can hear her frantically moving stuff around in the background. “You alright?” You inquire. “D-Do you want to come over… For dinner?” She asks finally. “Umm… Yes?”

“GREAT!” Esh yells, no longer in tears. “Uhh… Hah… Give me like half an hour to get ready. I’ll send a warp spider to pick you up.”

And with that, she hangs up. You waste your time flipping through that discarded Admechgirl magazine. Some of those enhancements, wow. Can she really? With those? Oh Emprah. Suddenly, a warp spider pops into your view.

“Sup.”

“Sup?”

He grabs you, and suddenly you are standing on the inside of an Eldar ship. Esh’s grin of pure malevolent evil staring you right in the face as she eagerly sharpens the tip of her spear.

“Aww shit.”

“Ha ha.” She beins to laugh slowly, quietly. “Ha ha ha ha…” Raising her spear and pointing it right at your chest. “Listen Esh, I can explain…” You barely manage to leap out of the way as the spear thrusts through the space occupied by your heart barely a second ago. “EXPLAIN!?! YOU CAN… EXPPLLLAAIIINNN?!?!?!” You are ducking, dipping, dodging and ducking to avoid the repeated thrusts, unable to get a word in lest you catch one through the gut. “YOU KNOW DAMN WELL, IDIOT MON-KEIGH, WHAT YOU WERE DOING!” A fateful jap catches you finally, you should have known you weren't agile enough to dodge an Eldar's attacks forever.

MEANWHILE

Helena sighs from her perch on her Leman russ "noboyzallowed". It's a hot day, and even in her very minimalist bikini she's sweating. "Hey Helena, Admech says they can get our main gun back up and running but it's going to take a day." Helena smiles at her best friend Sarah. "No problem, we don't have anything much to do today anyways."

Sarah nods. "Hey, how's that stupid brother of yours doing?" Helena's smile fades. "I... I don't know. He was sending letters pretty regularly but we haven't heard from him at all in a while..."

Sarah sighs as she flips through the schematic booklet "your lemon russ and you: 574 ways you can still serve the Emperor but make it a bit easier on yourself." "You know him, he probably got drunk and fucked the nearest officer or something retarded like that." Helena laughs, but it isn't sincere.

"RAAAAA!!! You infernal machine spirit, accept this part damn you!" The Tech-priest working on the tank suddenly shouts, slamming his wrench into the tank repeatedly. "Yo! Gearhead! Easy on the goods!" Sarah shouts down at him.

"BY THE OMNISSIAH YOU WILL TAKE THIS SENSOR AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!" He shoves the part in and the tank finally relents, a red light changing to a green. Helena laughs, Frederick's antics having grown on her a bit since meeting him.

---

The Eldar's blade nicks your shoulder just enough to draw a faint line of blood. You know you can’t keep this up forever, but the stabs are becoming slower, less passionate, until they finally cease. Esh looks at you solemnly.

“You may have not known what you were doing, and your intentions were surely misguided at best, but you did save those souls from a fate… Indescribable. And for that I’ll spare you, at least for today.” She sets her spear aside and sighs. “Honestly, I leave you alone for a while and you end up dead and in the warp. You really are just a helpless stupid mon-keigh after all.” You crouch there, on the floor of what you think is an Eldar ship or something, unsure of what to do next. “So you aren’t going to kill me?” Esh grabs you by the collar and throttles you back and forth. “Not today but the next time you do something like that I won’t be nice enough to stop myself!” She lets you go and before you know it, she’s got you in a tight hug. “I was really worried about you… Idiot mon-keigh…” A nearby Eldar, an older one from the looks of it, coughs quietly into her fist. “Mistress, your dinner?” Esh jumps to her feet and grabs her head. “Ahh! I forgot it was still in the wraithoven!” She grabs your hand and before you know it you are being pulled in a full on sprint through winding hallways, past more Eldar who look a bit shocked at the human in their midst.

A young hot-shot looking Eldar stops Esh in her tracks. “Whoa babe, where you and that… uh… animal headed off to?” He asks, slyly trying to put his hand around her. Is this fag trying to move in on your bitch? He best be not moving in on your bitch. Before you can unleash the fury of the pimp hand, Esh kicks him. Right in his nuts. The blonde haired playboy’s face contorts in pain and he falls to the ground, clutching his gonads. “I already told you I have no interest, quit trying!” Esh kicks him in the stomach before stepping on him and leading you past. Once inside what you can only assume is an Eldar kitchen she hurridly rips open what must be the wraithoven and checks on what looks like a pie. “Oh thank the gods, it’s fine.” She sighs in relief and closes the oven back up. “Did you… Hug me earlier?” You finally get a chance to ask. Esh jumps in surprise as color drains from her face. She turns back to you, cheeks quickly becoming pink than red. “I-I-I did n-no such thing! Stupid mon-keigh!” You grin, this is so worth it. “Really? That felt like a hug. What do you use on your hair? It smells lovely.” You don’t have time to dodge the pan to the face, which startles you more than it hurts as it knocks you to the ground. “STUIPD MON-KEIGH IT WASN’T A HUG! GAHHH!” She punches a cabinet so hard it dents inward.

“Pretty sure it was a hug.” You continue, unwilling to relent. “AHHHHHHHHHH!” Esh grabs a pot of boiling something and stands above you, face blazing in embarrassed fury. You put your hands up, as though they would do anything. This might do more than sting a little. But when you peel one eye open to look back at her, Esh sighs and sets down the dish. “So it was a hug. You should be grateful I blessed your life with such an event, surely the high point of its dullness.” Well you can be satisfied you got her to admit to it, at least for now.

“Anyways, what have you got cooking?” You ask, leaning over her shoulder to look at what’s in the pot. Esh’s mind is stuttering, she’s so close to you now. “Do those lips taste as good his mind?” she wonders to herself. You look down, noticing Esh staring intently straight at your mouth. “Uhh… Esh?” She catches herself and spins around, pretending to be occupied by a sizzling wok-like thing. As much fun as you are having with Esh at the moment, trolling her hard and all that, the food smells so good you can barely stop yourself from ripping into it.

Esh looks back at you. “Hey, mon-keigh, you are DROOLING.” You put your jaw back into place, senses still fixed on the delicious food before you. Esh uses what you assume has to be some kind of Eldar cooking fork to gather up a little ball of what appears to be some kind of noodle-onion-meat dish. “You… You can try it if you want…” She says, still not looking at you as she holds out the food. Slowly you lean in to take a bite, watching her intently for any sign of Eldar trickery. The closer you get, the harder she blushes. You bite down and slowly back away, her eyes turn to follow you. This taste… Dear Emprah this taste. “So… Good…” Is all you can manage, your taste buds are busy in a full blown fiesta. “Hola mister Max, thank you very much for da food senior!” Esh is now locked right on you, watching your expression with wide eyes. “It’s probably the best thing I’ve ever tasted.” You see her smile giddily before catching herself and regaining her cool composure. “Yeah well, you haven’t even tried the pie yet.”

“Really? Does it taste as good as MY MIND?” Esh’s face becomes ashen at your words, and her mouth is agape as though she’s struggling to find something to say, having been caught completely off guard. “Yeah, I can pick up on some things now. At least a bit.” You admit, your new power is fun but very confusing and completely unreliable. It seems like proximity might have something to do with it, because you could only sense her thoughts when you were very close to her. Esh picks up a knife and her head cracks as it tilts to the side, her eyes now alight with glowing white energy. “I’m going to kill you now.” She says flatly.

But as she swings the knife down you catch her hand and with your other arm pull her in close to you. The blade falls from her grasp and clatters noisily to the floor. She looks up, staring into your eyes as you hold her there, neither of you moving. “…Max…” She says quietly as you slowly bring your face closer to hers. Your lips are mere millimeters apart, and you feel Esh jump slightly as your minds collide. “HAHAHA MON-KEIGH KISSER! MON-KEIGH KISSSSERRRRR!!!!” A little Eldar in farseer garb, no taller than your waist is running in circles around the table as she joyfully repeats herself. “YOU LITTLE TWERP, GRAAAHHHH!!!” Esh’s eyes flash and the little Eldar is sent flying out of the room with one last “MON-KEIGH KISSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!” Esh furiously slams the door and begins stirring her personal recipe stew in a fit of rage. Wait, did she really want you to kiss her? Eyeing the wall of hanging knives mere inches from her, you aren’t sure if it’s a good idea to press the subject. “Take a seat, it’s almost ready.” Esh says without looking back at you.

You pull out a chair and sit down.

Only you miss and, arms wind milling madly, fall face first onto the cold tile. Esh looks back at you in disgusted awe, as if she really can’t believe what she’s seeing. “Uhh, missed it I guess…” Your face is burning, how the fuck did you fail that hard at sitting down? How have you managed to go from cool and suave to looking like a complete retard within minutes of each other. “Whatever you have to tell yourself…” Esh turns back to her cooking, shaking her head in disbelief. Still, you aren’t going to let the fact that you are still rolling when completely unprompted, which only ever results in terrible, terrible things, get to you.

The food smells absolutely decadent, you’ve got a cute farseer cooking it for you, and you actually think you might have had some fun surfing with the Emprah earlier, despite the close call. Yeah, today is a pretty good day. Esh looks like she’s found some kind of groove, humming to herself quietly as she adds a dash of one thing and a sprinkle of another. “Dude I can’t take this anymore” Your stomach groans.

“Shut up man, at least you know you have a guaranteed thing here!” Your Inquisitor responds.

Esh finally decides it’s all ready and starts moving everything over to the table. You can’t contain yourself any longer, and you reach out to snatch up one of those Eldar biscuits, the kind she gave to you the first time. A ladle raps you hard on the knuckles.

“A proper gentleman always waits until the lady sits down first.” She says, though her anger seems faked. Her eyes unable to conceal the pride in her work and her excitement in sharing it with you.

The wait is killing you, but you don’t try any funny business as you watch her finish the setup. She moves around the table to you and takes your plate, dishing out a generous heap of everything onto it. You can’t help but smile as you watch her, completely in her element it seems. Esh catches you staring out of the corner of her eye and turns away from you, her flowing red hair slightly obstructing her face but not hiding her faint smile.

“D-Don’t stare at me like that, it’s embarrassing.” She serves herself before taking the seat opposite you, not very far away on such a small table. Both of you chow down, Esh eating properly and daintily, you kinda just fork-lifting heaping forkfuls of the food into your joyous mouth. “Oh man, this is simply THE BEST.” Your stomach sighs happily. “Ah well, at least I can see up her skirt from down here.” The curious Inquisitor responds. “Black lace with a pink bow, things might be looking up after all.” Suddenly, you can’t breathe. Your face goes white as you frantically struggle, choking on something. Esh takes several seconds to realize what is going on, but with surprising speed she has you in a Heimlich. It takes a few pumps, but you finally shoot out a whole meatball. It soars brilliantly straight down into a bowl of soup, which splashes all over Esh’s face. “Gods damn it, mon-keigh…”

Esh sighs as she surveys herself, one of her favorite outfits and much of her hair now covered in chunky soup. “Err… Really sorry about that…” Fuck, you would wreck this for yourself. She tries to clean herself up with a napkin, but it just isn’t cutting it.

“I kinda figured you would ruin this…” She unhappily drops the napkin. “I’m going to go wash off and change. Enjoy your meal alone, I guess.”

She leaves before you can say anything. Man, do you feel like a douche now.

“Arrrgghhh!!!” You grab your head. “I can’t just eat without apologizing!” So with that, you leap up and run after her.

Only you aren’t exactly sure what way she went. Several minutes pass of your “Hey uh, did you see a farseer go by here, bout this tall and covered in soup?” before you finally figure out which room is hers. It takes you just as long to discern how the door mechanism works, a series of buttons and a touch screen thing. You finally punch it in frustration and it answers “passcode accepted”, though you don’t know this because you don’t speak Eldar. You walk in to the dark room, which is incredibly tidy. Well, except for the pile of clothes that Esh was just wearing. “Oh no. No no no.”

Too late, another door in the room opens and your fate is pretty much sealed. Esh stands there, fully outlined in the light beyond. She’s still dripping wet, and frozen in place, the towel against one side of her face. You can see everything, perky pink nips, smooth grassless field, everything.

“I’m going to die now, aren’t I?”

“Painfully so.”

You tense up as she builds up speed for a running death-kick which will surely knock your face through the back of your skull. She’s going so fast, in fact, that she doesn’t notice the clothes on the floor. “Huh?!” She trips, stumbles, but can’t regain her balance. You are thrown backwards as the naked farseer crashes into you, both of you tumbling end over end across the dark room. Finally both of you skid to a stop, and it looks like you’ve managed to come out on top. Esh is trembling, wide eyed, and has her arms around you. Neither of you move for what feels like a very long time. Throwing caution to the wind, you lower your face and plant a kiss on those tender pink lips. “HA HA, MON KEIGH KISSERRRRRR!” The little Eldar yells from the open doorway.

MEANWHILE (again)

Frederick looks up from his work, sneakily.

Helena sits there in full view, glorious tits resting on the tank as she listens to some music and tans. He's always had a thing for her. Ever since he started fixing up their tank. This, despite all of his friends telling him she is clearly a gear-eater with no interest in his piston of love. Frederick sighs heavily as he tightens a bolt. For now, he will probably just have to be content with watching her in all her giggling, strawberry blonde beauty. "Whats wrong Mekboy?" Helena suddenly calls down to him. Fredrick, startled, looks back up.

"Err, nothing. Tank is just being stubborn, is all." He wrings his wrench nervously. Helena laughs and re-ties her top before sitting up, which causes those tantalizing flesh orbs to bounce all over the place. "Well you want to take a break and go grab some chow with me?" She asks, swinging her feet idly as she sits on the barrel.

"You? And... Me?" Frederick asks quietly.

"Yeah, Sarah is passed out."

Frederick is happy but lost as he follows Helena to wherever she is taking him. Clearly not the mess hall. The Omnissiah has blessed him this day, maybe he will get a chance to try out his twelve speed servo-actuated cyborghood someday after all. Helena shifts the pack of food to her other shoulder. "Cmon iron man, we're going to miss it!"

Helena stops at a cliffside, overlooking the vast ocean beyond. "Yeah, this is the spot." She sets down her bag and pulls out the food she managed to rustle up. Not standard guardsman rations, good stuff from the town nearby.

She and Frederick watch the sunset as they devour the various cheeses and bread. Its much better than more rations, Frederick thinks to himself. Especially since he gets to eat it with her. The sun drops finally below the horizon, and Helena sits back with a satisfied sigh. "That was a lot of fun." Frederick finally gets up the courage to ask.

Helena turns and smiles at him before looking up toward the emerging stars. "I thought so too."

"By the way, don't believe those rumors about me being a lesbian." Frederick turns to her, hope invigorating his heart.

"No?"

"Nah, bisexual."

Thread 10: HE NEVER ASKED FOR THIS

Mika doesn’t even stop to take a break as she continues throughout the night. She has pulled some serious all nighters before, what for the Admech tests and whatnot, but never on something that required this level of technical craftsmanship. Generally an Admech all night consisted of baking cookies in hopes that it might wake some slumbering machine spirit.

She only pauses to take in the sight of you laying there, now with a near complete mechanical arm. She wants to make this her best work ever, she WILL make this her best work ever. She wants to impress you. She wants you to like her.

“Aaargghh! Skull-chan I need another servo, can you grab me one?”

“I don’t have any arms onii-chan!”

“Ah, right… Sorry.” You don’t wake up for any of it. No, you are dreaming. There is a massive iguana pestering you while you try to fix your boat, which is suffering from massive motor troubles, it is not a good day to be a fisherman. “Hey! Hey! Are we almost done? I’m getting boooorrreeedddd!!!!”

“Oh skull-chan, you need to be more patient. I haven’t integrated the plasma rifle with the fire control system yet.”

“Awwwwwwww, but we’ve been doing this for HOUUURRRSSSS!” Your eyelids feel like they weigh as much as a landraider, and it’s a struggle to slowly pry them open. You don’t know how long you’ve been out, but it doesn’t feel like much time has passed.

Mika is asleep on a stool beside your bed, leaning over onto the sheets at your side. Judging by the dark bags under her eyes, you gather she’s been at this for quite some time… You give her a gentle shake. “Hey Mika, are you all right?”

She jumps when you rouse her, looking fairly startled. “Wha-what time is it? How long have I been asleep?!”

You shrug. “How would I know? I just woke up.”

It is at that second that you notice something. You shook her gently with your left arm. “Holy shit, it works!” You exclaim, holding your new mechanical appendage in front of your eyes. “I never asked for this…”

“Huh?” Mika asks as she rubs her eyes.

“Err… Nothing…” You can tell just by looking that this is some seriously master crafted shit. Your new arm is mostly black with flourishes of gun metal. You don’t really care that much about the looks of it, what you really like is that you can still feel things with it like you did with your actual arm. “Mika, this thing is incredible!”

She blushes, biting her lip. “I-its nothing that special. I mean, I could only fit three weapons in it… I should have tried harder, I’m sorry.”

"No, don't apologize! You did a really great job with this, I'm really impressed!"

"Well... Its the best I could manage."

“Gee Mika, THREE guns? What am I packing here?” But she doesn’t get a chance to answer you, as your thoughts activate the interior weapon systems. Your hand shifts aside as the barrel of a plasma cannon sticks out and blows a chunk out of the ceiling. “Ahh! Easy Max, I still need to fine tune it while you are awake!”

You are too busy having fun to hear her. The plasma gun drops back and a flamer emerges, sending a white hot puff of fire into the air, which feels hot on your face. “T-take it easy!” She grabs your hand and pushes it down onto the bed.

“But wait, where is the third gun?”

Mika bites her finger, looking away, before quickly bowing to you. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! But I could only fit in a lasgun loaded with a hotshot cartridge! I’m such a failure…”

“No! You are a damn genius is what you are. Where is the lasgun though?” She gestures quietly at your index finger. “...No fucking way…”

You raise your hand like a child would when they pretend to hold a pistol.

“Bang!” The lasgun fires and the light you were aiming at explodes in a shower of sparks.

While you gawk over your new arm and how awesome it indeed is, Mika quietly lays back down and falls asleep. After a while, you notice. With a smile, you lift her gently and place her down on the bed. She did a damn fine job for you, she should get some much needed rest. “Thanks for this, it means a lot to me.”

You pull up the sheets over her, give her a kiss on the forehead, and shut off the lights. Completely forgetting as you exit the room, that she has yet to fine tune your new appendage. As you leave Mika to sleep, you have only one thing on your mind.

Your beloved hat is still missing, but you don't know where to look.

You are pretty sure the Galactic Partridges still have it.

You tell SLaDOS to let Mika sleep, she’s more than earned as much rest as she needs. You refuse when it asks if you want to help it with some SCIENCE, maybe later but right now you don’t have time. Lycheria is giving you a call, but you don’t have enough signal to answer.

“Hey, Rex! Gimme a lift bud!”

“*ARF ARF*” Rex replies, the sound very mechanical. You hop onto the baneblade, which goes storming up the ramp and actually catches some air as it speeds outside. You can barely hold on as the massive tank whips some doughnuts, barking and growling happily the whole time. Finally it lets you off, and you feel a bit weak in the knees as you stumble away from the tank after giving him a tread scratch. “This is Max, I’m too busy being awesome to answer right now, please leave a message after the beep. BEEP!”

“Uh, err… Max it’s Lycheria. I just wanted to know if you were up for joining us for a little traitor burning is all, guess I’ll…”

“Naw I was just screwing with you, what’s up?”

“Haha, damn it Max! Weeeellll, I’m inviting you along.”

“Along for what, exactly?”

“Uhh… To burn some cultists? You know, the usual.”

“Sure, where do I meet you at?” Lycheria gives you the coordinates, and after a bit of fumbling around trying to figure out where those are exactly, you finally know where to go.

You finally arrive, after commandeering an abandoned vehicle, about twenty minutes late. There are ten Soritas waiting for you, most looking a bit annoyed and tapping their feet impatiently. Lycheria seems to be the only one smiling. “Hey there Commissar, what took ya?!” She calls out to you as you park the vehicle and walk up.

The word “Park” meaning you hit a ramp TOO fast and flipped it on its back, where it skidded to a halt in a shower of sparks with a terrible screeching noise. “Nice…” A black haired sister comments as you crawl out on your hands and knees.

“I uh… I meant to do that…”

Before you know what is happening, Lycheria is at your side, fingering your new arm worriedly. “By the Emperor… What happened Max?”

You shrug as you flex the arm. “Eh, nothing much. Lost it in an epic fisticuffs match with a Flayed One. You should see him, really gave him the ol’ what for.”

Lycheria seems to buy it, the others look increasingly skeptical. Her hand moves slowly to your head. “Ah… Its gone…?” She looks heartbroken.

“Yeah, the fucking Partridges have it, I think.”

The sisters all seem to murmur and glance around at one another at your words. You gather that they don’t think too highly of those glory fiends.

“Yeah but don’t worry, I’ll be getting it back, somehow.” Lycheria rubs your head softly.

“I know you will. But anyways, before we go, we have a surprise for you!” One of the sisters opens the hatch to one of their rhinos and the gate falls open.

A suit of power armor greets you, and this one isn’t a pile of scraps or a terminator side project. “Isn’t… Isn’t that the Blood Ravens paint scheme?” You ask, though you are pretty sure of the answer.

“Haha yeah isn’t it great? We stole it from them after they tried to steal an artifact out from under our noses a while ago. We figured you could wear it.” As cool as it is, you are a bit unsure.

“There uh… There don’t happen to be any of them around, right?” “Oh quit worrying so much, just put it on.” The girls crowd around behind you, pushing you forward.

“Come on, put it on!”

“Put on the armor!”

“I… I really want to see him in it…” Well, it looks like you don’t have much of a choice. You are just going to have to show these bitches how you roll. “Ladies, I don’t mean to disappoint, but I don’t think this is going to work out…”

“What? Why?”

“It’s nothing, I’ll just go in what I was wearing…” In truth, it’s because the armor was made for an astartes even larger than the Space Wolf who’s armor you had worn earlier. It is evident that you are much too small to fit. You left off the left forearm and your mechanical arm looks miniscule compared to the suit.

“Can’t let you do that, Commissar.” The ramp drops before you can start removing the armor. You freeze, staring right into the faces of the ten sisters of battle. Hard girls who have seen their fair share of battle, tough faces. “Oh my gosh he is so CUTE!”

They rush you, and before you know it you have a crowd of sisters bustling around you. The sisters prod, poke, and dawww as they fawn over you. “I just want to take him home and bake him a cake!”

“It… It’s perfect…”

“Why do I like it so much?”

"I hope this isn't heresy, I don't want this to be heresy..." This keeps up for a good twenty minutes or so, and shows little sign of slowing down. Lycheria one of the main culprits.

“Hey, as much as I’m really enjoying this and all, didn’t you gals have something planned?” The sisters pause and look between each other again.

“Well I guess if you really want to.”

“We can, as long as you let me feed you afterwards…”

“Err… Sure…” You answer, though really that doesn’t sound too bad.

"Well, we aren't taking the rhinos, we're going to take THAT!"

The sister points, and you don't know how you missed it. A landraider.

You grab onto a rung and start climbing onto the top of the landraider, until you hear a sister protest. “Hey! What are you going up there for?!”

“I guess you could say I…” You slip on a pair of sunglasses, “Like being on top.”

“YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Doomrider screams as he flies out of one warp hole before disappearing quickly into another.

The girls look a bit uneasy after seeing a slaanesh daemon flying around. Whatever, you know Doomrider is too much of a bro to hurt anyone he knows you like. You clamor up the rest of the massive tank, which is incredibly difficult given how badly you fit inside the armor. Finally you stand on the top and pump your fist triumphantly. “Alright ladies, let’s get this show on the road. Get me close enough to hit them with my sword.”

“But… We gave you an axe?”

“Details, now drive!” The tank lurches to a start and quickly picks up speed. As cool as riding on top sounded, you didn’t think it would be this cool. The Emprah would be proud, you are surfing a landraider. It turns out to be much less difficult and FAR less horrifying than surfing the slaanesh pleasure wave through the warp. It might hurt if you fall, but the armor would likely save you from serious injury. Much better than being consumed by a wave of chaos pleasure energy for all eternity. In fact, you start having some fun. You stop holding on and start just riding it on your feet.

The sisters are secretly discussing how awesome you are right now. They are totally oblivious to the fact you can feel their thoughts a bit. A las bolt catches you in the chest plate, jolting you out of your mind rape. “Holy shit, we have company!” You hear the sister driving yell over the comm.

Sure enough, no less than a hundred cultists are charging down a hill toward you, firing their weapons madly. They didn’t come entirely unprepared, two chaos predators in their midst, both of which are blasting away at you. “Time to show them what we’re made of!” One sister yells. The tank accelerates, and you realize they plan on ramming into the cultists.

“It’s go time, motherfuckers!” The tank crashes into the crowd of cultists, sending a wave of them flying. Well, sending a wave of PIECES of them flying.

You leap off of the tank, using the momentum of the hard stop. You raise your axe above your head as you soar above the battle. “Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!” You bring the power axe down in a hard arc, and separate a cultist right through the middle. Blood gushes and you feel a surge of power. That was pretty fucking sweet.

The sound of grinding metal catches your attention, and you turn to your left. Just in time to see the barrel of a chaos predator’s main gun pointed right at your chest.

“Aww shit.”

The blast erupts, where you just were but a second ago. You managed to dodge, but the barrel is tracking you. Much to your displeasure, as the gun keeps firing, the predator’s other weapons all start to focus their attention at you. The Space Marine armor may be tough, but you know it can only take so much abuse.

You are pretty much out of options. You pop open your arm and engage the plasma gun inside, its worth a shot. At least you hope so.

“Oh, are you going to spray me with your plasma you dirty boy?”

“You had better take it all, bitch!”

“If you are going to shoot it all over my side armor don’t get it in my treads!”

You fire.

The plasma connects with the side of the tank!

…It’s not very effective.

“Fuck FUCK FUUUCCCKKK!!!” You are doing your best to dive and roll out of the tank’s fire, but it is very difficult in armor so large. “Bolter bitches, where are you!? I’m getting fucking wailed on over here!” Bolter rounds from the tank are colliding with your back and pauldrons. You keep your head down, not wanting it to get shot off.

Lascannon fire arcs over your shoulder, connecting with the predator which retreats back to avoid another hit. “Calm down, we’re not going to let you die before we get to play with you.” Comes a calm response.

A line of five sisters comes charging toward you, flamers turning many cultists into screaming pyres and chainswords sawing through yet more of them. Lycheria leads the attack, looking quite happy as she punches a runty cultist in the face before shoving her flamer into his stomach and pulling the trigger. “Hey Max! You get in over your head?” She jeers humorously.

“If I had my hat on, my head would have been tall enough to handle it.” You join up with them and start hacking away at the cultists, who are admittedly terribly lacking opponents, even for you. Well, it seems like as good an opportunity as any to try out some of your new gadgets. “Hey girls, check this out!” You yell to the sisters, who all turn their attention to you.

It feels like a natural thing, like lifting your foot, as your hand moves aside and the barrel of the flamer extends out. You pick out a nearby cultist, and point your new toy right at him. “FLAME ON!”

The jet erupts and the cultist screams as he is engulfed in flame, slapping at himself in a vain attempt to put out the fire. His voice fades and he falls to the grass, a charred corpse. “Pretty neat eh?”

But the girls don’t say anything at first, and after you roast another traitor you turn to look at them. Several are licking their lips, the rest are biting them. Their faces are flush, eyes fixated on you. They all seem to be feeling absent mindedly at their lower armor. Maybe fire gets these girls hot?

You don’t let up with the flamer, roasting mother fuckers left and right. The girls seem to be getting more and more worked up. “By the Emperor… NATASHA FUCKING USE THAT LANDRAIDER AND END THIS ALREADY!” One of the sisters yells as she tries to shove her hand into her own codpiece.

The landraider seems to pick up the pace, guns firing as fast as they can go. The sisters on the ground stop fooling around as well, looking less glorious and more brutally efficient as they hack and burn. In perhaps ten minutes or so, the battlefield is silent. Piles of ash, severed limbs, and two burnt out tanks all that is left of the chaos force.

The landraider parks in front of you, drops its gate, and you are pushed into it by the five sisters behind you, falling to your face. You flip over onto your back as the hatch closes. All ten of the sisters stand over you, breathing heavily.

Standing up, you brush yourself off. “Ladies.”

You pull out a cigar that you had pilfered from the Admech bunker on your way out, which you now light with a small burst from your arm flamer. “Everyone will get a chance to…”

You don’t get time to finish as the sisters eagerly start ripping off your pieces of armor. You take a long draw from the cigar, you can see why Creed likes these so much. It takes them a little under a minute to have you down to your skivvies. “Hey now, this is hardly fair.” You protest jokingly as you poke one in the boob armor.

“Oh my, how rude of us.” Lycheria says smoothly, as she disengages her breastplate. In a few seconds, you have a whole lot of hot and sweaty cleavage staring you in the face. You reach down toward your boxers, until you feel something box-like.

Withdrawing it, you are a bit puzzled to find a box of Emperor-brand condoms with a small note attached. “Tactical genius hurr.” The note reads.

Well, as creepy as the thought of Creed somehow getting those there, you are glad to have them. You aren’t ready to be daddy Commissar, but you aren’t going to slip one on until you need it. You swallow hard as you realize what you are about to attempt to pull off. Three daemonettes was difficult, there are over three times as many Soritas here and they are all very worked up. “Don’t worry, Max, we’ll be sure to take good care of you.” Lycheria sings as she pulls off her top, revealing bouncy joy that for once in your adventures isn’t of the heretical kind. All down the line, they follow Lycheria’s example. You can feel your blood leaving your head, as you enter what could possibly be the definition of bliss. Things are about to get sexy in a completely non-heretical way.

Oh yes, very sexy.

You can only muse at your incredible luck as they press in from all sides, completely surrounding you. Why can’t you hold all of these bouncy funbags? One of them, a black haired one who looks at you coyly, slips off your boxers. Ahh, time to enter heaven. Only nothing happens, and you open your eyes back up and peer down. The girls are all looking at your Inquisitor, very intently. Intently in a completely nonsexual fashion. “Those are fang marks, it looks like from a Khornette?”

Shit, she marked you! How did you not notice that!? “Oh, that little thing, hahaha.” You wave your hand as if to brush it off.

“I was fighting off a ton of them a few days ago, bitches jumped out of a warp hole and started attacking me.” The sisters listen, looking pretty damn skeptically at your tale.

“I’d already killed a dozen or so, see this space wolf bolter pistol? They were there fighting with me.” You show them the gun, several of their faces turn to awe at the sight.

“Anyways, long story short, my pants had lit on fire so I had to ditch them. Two of them grabbed me and as I was struggling one went to ram me with her horns but I struck out with this bad boy and hit her right in the kisser!”

You end, and tentatively watch. It seems like every sister bought it, completely. “Wow, that was so brave!”

“A dozen? You really are strong!”

“I… I want you to attack my mouth…” By the Emprah, that fucking worked?!

“Mmm, this thing defeated a Khornette? I want it.”

With that, the black haired Sorita engulfs your Inquisitor. He bucks in pleasure at first, which surprises her, but then he calms down to enjoy the ride. The others press in, rubbing you all over with their sweaty bodies. They take turns kissing you, lightly biting your neck, and whispering likely non inquisition-approved things in your ears. They are even taking turns with your heavy bolter. The sensation is indescribable, the pleasure too much to bear as you feel the slight differences between each of them. The bustier ones like to switch up and snag you with their heavy armaments, and you slide quite easily between them with how wet you are now. Even Lycheria seems to be enjoying her turn, smiling as she works your Inquisitor up and down with her impressive Immolators. “By the Emprah, this is so good…” You moan, as they lay you onto your back to continue.

“H-hey, you skipped me!”

“Hush up, I’m not finished with him yet.”

“…I… I haven’t gotten a chance yet…” They argue and vie for a position, but you don’t care, they aren’t ignoring you in the slightest.

“Uh, I hate to break you guys up, but I think it might be time to let this gun fly.”

They line up on their knees, shoulder to shoulder as close as the ten of them can get. Their mouths are open, tongues sticking out ready to catch your plasma. All of them looking like they are enjoying this a whole lot. Fuck, this is going to have to be one impressive maneuver… You take aim at the one on the far left as you plant your feet. “Haaaaaaaaahhhh!”

You fire off your plasma cannon, and at the same time spin quickly to your right. A jet of plasma streaks out, arcing insanely as it soars forth. It's…

A direct hit! You manage to catch several in the mouth, and they smile as they swallow. The others recoil slightly as it hits them in the face, though they giggle despite several having to hold their eye(s) shut. You collapse backwards, taking a seat on the cold metal bench. “Wow, that shouldn’t even have been possible with my mediocre ballistic skill.”

Giggling, one of the sisters turns to another and grabs her head. She licks off the girl’s eye of your plasma. “Haha, thanks!” She says, opening her eye back up.

Lycheria laughs as she wipes her mouth, licking her fingers afterwards. She sits down to your right and squishes your arm between her breasts. “Impressive shooting, for a guardsman.” Another sister coos as she sits at your left. Another makes a cute face, which is covered in your non-heresy juice as she hands you a bottle of ‘nidade. You chug it down in a matter of seconds.

“Don’t think you’re done with your duty yet, Commissar. We haven’t even started driving to base yet.” A blonde haired Sorita says as she stares you in the eyes and runs a finger under your chin. Oh shit, they are right! The landraider hasn’t even left the scene of the battle yet!

Thread 10.5: THE PLIGHT OF HAT-CHAN

Your world was plunged into fear and darkness. You could do nothing as you watched Max being flayed as he ran by the horrible Necron chasing him. You couldn’t even cry out as you watched with horror as his arm was severed. You could only sit as the Apothecaries tended to him, barely clinging to life. You did your best to give him the only thing you could.

Hope.

For a hat can show neither fear nor sadness. The Partridges, concerned only for glories imagined, abandoned you inside this tomb, as they carried Max away. You haven't seen him in what feels like forever now, no way to keep track of time. Has it been hours? Days? Years?! It’s so cold down here, barely enough light to reflect off of your dirty metal. What you wouldn’t give to have another cleaning by those cute Dark Eldar girls. Though thinking of such things does little to curb your heartache at being separated from your best friend.

You know the other Necron has been watching you, but she’s scared to approach you. That’s fine by you, for all you know, Necrons eat hats. Hope is all you could give Max, and so it shall be that hope is what will carry you back to him. Though you admit, it wouldn’t hurt to have a friend… Wait, what was that? Just now? Footsteps? Could it be?

Yes, you feel joyous as the heavy footfalls draw closer and closer. It sounds like there are several pairs of feet walking. You do your best to primp up your fibers, deepen your colors, shine your metal. Its Max, it has to be! A cold, hard hand lifts you from the ground, another joins it and they slowly turn around. Your heart falls as you see the face before you, barely illuminated in the dim light. “Well well well… I may have missed the man, but destroying you may prove enough a snack to carry me over until the day I kill that Commissar.”

Abbadon sneers at you as one of his men hold you up to him. Fury surging through you, you bristle as hard as you can. If this is your end, you will see it through as Max would. Head held high with you upon it.

“The flamer, you dogs, the flamer!” Abaddon grins maliciously as another of his followers steps forward, brandishing a flamer as he too laughs at your coming demise. “You have no idea how I will enjoy this so you little bastard.” Abbadon continues.

His follower raises the flamer, and you can feel heat surging through your fabric as a puff of flame comes far too close to you. This is your final moment, and you shall go out with as much courage as you impart to your dear friend. The chaos marine with the flamer cackles as he pushes the flamer forward. This time, it won’t fall short.

You will die as you lived, without any regrets.

“Not so fast, I’ve come for the hat, and I. Will. Have it.”

“YOU?!” Abbadon spits furiously. “YOU!?!?! Khorne’s daughter?! Get out of here wench, this is no place for little girls!”

Kaleshi grins, her eyes alight with an evil fire. “As I said before, you failure of a “warmaster”, I’ve come for the hat. And the Queen of the Khornettes doesn’t take no for an answer.” She licks her chainaxe before starting it up. “You mad my daddy wouldn’t give me over to you? He doesn’t provide gifts to failures, which is why he wants me to have that delicious Commissar in his name.”

Abbadon laughs coldly. “As much as I want to ravage that body of yours, whore, I’ll enjoy watching your entrails being ripped out just as well.”

Kaleshi glares, fire igniting at her feet. “Whore? Max has been my only conquest, and will be my only conquest. I’ll not have you wrecking my husbando’s favorite thing!” She smirks, running up her own armor, than biting her second digit. “I’m going to like doing this!” She cries, suddenly charging forward.

The chaos marines turn to fire at her, but they are all far too slow. You watch as the tremendous dance of blood and axe begins. The khornette whirls and swings, the axe roaring as it arcs gracefully, almost effortlessly. Blood and chunks of armor and flesh spew out of its teeth as it digs in again and again. She’s laughing now, her face one of pure bliss. Though perhaps not as happy as when she was with Max in the warp. The marines begin to falter as they watch their numbers quickly dwindling. Despite their fear, they fire everything they’ve got. Though it must not be nearly enough. The Khornette dodges and spins, her armor easily deflecting anything that manages to land. She swings down hard right into the skull of one of the marines. Brain matter erupts and is shot around the small tunnel by the whizzing axe blade. The Khornette is covered in blood and gore now, which you gather she enjoys. A lot. “Ahahahaha! I love this! I love it so much!” She cackles as she severs another marine in two right at the waist.

Abbadon is backing up now, and his follower has dropped you to raise his bolter rifle. The few remaining marines fire feebly, none of it having an inkling of effect on the blood crazed daughter of a god. There are only three of Abbadon’s cronies left now, one of whom slides, covering you in dirt which sticks to the blood and gore which has sprayed over you. She could get you as dirty as she wants, you know she’s going to reunite you with Max. She wings the axe at the back of one of the marines who turns to flee. It catches him right between the shoulder blades, burying itself deeper and deeper until it emerges from his front. He grabs at it in disbelief for a moment before falling dead. The Khornette’s fist bursts into flame which jets outward, engulfing another marine. He screams a terrible scream of pain, falling to the ground in a desperate attempt to put out the fire. It boils him alive inside his own armor. The last remaining marine grabs out his own power sword, and leaps forward in an impressive downward swing. You bristle, there’s no way she can avoid that!

At the last second, Kaleshi catches the blade with her own gauntleted fist. She wrenches it out of the marine’s hand and spins it around before plunging it into its owners eye. The smoke has cleared, the blood has settled, and the Khornette now stands facing Abbadon, who now faces her alone. “Y-you…!” His mouth continues to move, but emits no sound.

“Yes, me.” The Khornette smiles, bending down to retrieve her axe. It gives you a nice view of her head. Despite her hair being covered in blood and guarded by two horns, you have to admit, somewhere deep down inside… You kind of want to feel what it’s like to sit there. “Now then, how shall I punish you, “warmaster”.” She mocks him with every word, clearly reveling in his burning hatred.

“Your father… All of the chaos gods will hear of this!” Abbadon shouts, backing up even as he does. Without his arms, he is more or less defenseless.

“Oh? Tell them then. TELL THEM NOW!” She swings the axe and it nicks Abbadon’s face, leaving a small cut right under the one Max made, which looks like it will scar. “Tell them, little despoiler, you the mighty warmaster of the black crusades! Tell them how you have failed this day to even torch the hat of your new nemesis! Tell them how your own personal guard were cut down by but a single daemon!” She kicks him in the chest, and Abbadon falls backwards, unable to balance.

“They will cast you out! Siding with a dirty servant of their enemy the false emperor!” Abbadon yells, kicking madly as she approaches him.

“Will they now? Nurgle who is making him a special gift? Will he turn against me? Or Slaanesh, who would give anything to make Max it’s greatest champion? Perhaps Tzeentch, she doesn’t like him very much, but she likes the Emperor who likes him. Maybe my own daddy, the great Khorne, who cares for me above any other? Well Abbadon, which one will cast me aside?!”

She swings her axe down, and you jump a little at the impact. Abbadon opens his eyes back up slowly, he had expected death. Instead, Kaleshi bends down and retrieves something, which she grins and holds up. “How pathetic.” She muses happily, standing over him. “Now. Beg me for your life!” She spits in Abbadon’s face.

He glares back up at her. “Never.” He hisses through gritted teeth.

Kaleshi smiles before looking around, her eyes settling on something. She retrives it quickly, and returns to standing over Abbadon. You can see now what she’s holding, Max’s severed arm.

“Plead for me to spare you!” She brings the severed limb down and strikes the warmaster across the face with it. “BEG ME! CRY, SNIVEL, PLEAD! I. WANT. TO. HEAR. YOU. SAY. IT!!!” With every pause she strikes him with the forearm.

Her swings must be stronger than they look, you notice Abbadon’s head is now bruised and bleeding. “I…I….. Spare my life!” Abbadon relents, tears in the corner of his eyes.

Kaleshi’s face is a contorted malicious grin. You would be absolutely terrified if she looked at you like that. “Very good, I’ll reward you.”

She forms Max’s severed hand into a fist and grabs Abbadon’s jaw, wrenching it open. With one swift movement she plunges the arm down right into Abbadon’s mouth. She doesn’t stop until it’s wedged in his throat.

“Oh good, you can still breathe? Tell me next time we meet what your followers say when they have to remove that.” She pats Abbadon on the head before poking him roughly in the eyes. Clutched in her hand, Abbadon’s top knot.

Finally settled with Abbadon, her gaze turns to you. You perk up, a bit worried at what she might do. But her eyes are soft and she’s wearing a genuine and loving smile. Her armor ignites into flame, before vanishing into smoke, leaving her wearing a basic black set of sweat pants and sports bra. She bends down to retrieve you, and you can’t help but notice the bit of cleavage.

Soft and delicate fingers wrap around your brim, which is covered in a grizzly mess from the fight. She brushes you off as best she can, before giggling. “I may have gone a little overboard, sorry for getting you so dirty.” Her fingers trace your bill lovingly as she does her best to clean you off.

“Ah, it’s no good. We’re going to have to get you clean before we can get you back to Max.” She raises you higher. Is she really going to do it? Can it be? Yes! She places you on her head, nestling you between her horns. The feeling is very different, and you know the other hats would gawk at your heresy, but wow are you enjoying this. Its way different than any other head, and your previous dispositions about the horns are quickly erased. They feel cool and hard against you, but it actually is surprisingly nice and feels cozy. Despite the fact both of you are covered in obscene amounts of gore, you are glad she put you on. She walks out of the cave with you perched atop her white hair, which is quite slick with blood, brains, and the like. “GET WHAT YOU CAME FOR?!” Doomrider shouts from his bike, tossing aside a handful of syringes.

She nods, showing you off triumphantly. “LOOKS GOOD!” He gives her a thumbs up even as his other hand reaches into his satchel. “Thanks!” She smiles.

“But it will look better on Max… I hope he’s alright…” The Khornette suddenly looks worried, and as much as you try to console her, it’s a sentiment you share with her. You don’t know what you would do if you lost your best bro. “ANYWAYS, WHERE WE HEADING?!”

“Well, I can’t give Max his hat back all covered in blood and goo. So let’s head back to the warp, I’ll give him a good cleaning! As unnerved as you are at the prospect of returning to the warp, you find that you really do want a good cleaning. Yeah, you really want some hot khornette scrubbing action. She takes a seat in the sidecar of Doomrider’s bike, and waves her axe around in a circle. “Blood for the blood god!” Kaleshi yells.

“JUST DRUGS FOR ME THANKS!” Doomrider shouts before gunning the engine. A warp hole opens up in front of the bike, and you aren’t sure what you are feeling in your creases as the bike lurches forwards and picks up speed.

Oh well, like it or not, you are headed to the warp.

Trolling

"I've been taking it too easy on you guys I see...... HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUE HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEH UEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHU EHUE"

- Papa-N, on Anon thinking the rape train has brakes

PROMOTIONS

"We purge with righteous zeal!" Her flamer crackles to life, and you have not time to dodge, or do anything really, before the barrel is staring you in the face. You never thought you would go out like this, a choppa to the face maybe, but not a Sorita making guardsman toast. The jet of fire engulfs you, the white hot heat searing away your flesh from bone. The pain is excruciating as you are roasted alive. You try to scream, but nothing emerges as liquid flame pours into your lungs. Your body falls to the ground, charred and broken. Your last thoughts are of home…

---

"Give me that spear, xeno wench!" You roar furiously, snatching it out of her hand. "It's on like orky-kong you over sized worm!" You run full tilt toward Ra'alman, who again opens his mouth. You are mere feet away when the beast lurches forward unexpectedly, closing its gigantic maw down on you.

The teeth shred you to ribbons instantly.

---

"I... I'm shrinking?!" You stutter as your body slowly loses mass. And even more terrifying, your "heavy bolter" starts to shrink as well. "What the fuck is going on?!" You shout, but your voice has grown meek, quieter... ...Girlish...

Your world goes dark for a moment, but then recovers. Only you're not on a beach anymore. You are bent over, chained across a bed.

Your new vagina completely exposed...

"HUEHUEHUEHUEHEUEHEHEHEHEHEUHEUHEHEUHE BR BR BR BR BR BR!!!!!" Oh god, that is worse than a thousand of Ra'alman's screams.

The noise marine walks up to your face... ...and flops out his gnarled, purple, studded manhood...

"BRBRBRBRBRBRBR!!!!!!!" The noise marine's insane ramblings grow ever faster and louder as he presses the tip of his daemon to your virgin lips. Another chaos marine, this one sprouting with wriggling green tentacles, moves behind you, ready to taint your purity seal...

"Oh thank the Empruh, help me Lycheria!" Seeing her raises your hopes, she can surely get you out of here. All hopes are dashed as she unzips her corset...

...And a massive emperor's champion falls out, dangling inches from your ass...

"Noo, you can't put it in there, that spot is EXTRA HERESY!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Will Maxima be brutally anal raped by a futa sister of battle and her brazillian noise marine cronies? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON DRAGON BALL ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

---

"You're on your own, skank!" You snatch up your gear and jump to your feet, breaking into a sprint. "Wait, please don't go!" She pleads as the Hive Tyrant rushes in at her. You run as fast as your legs can carry you, looking back over your shoulder. The Hive Tyrant has busied itself introducing her xeno bits to it's epic gun wang, while at the same time chewing off her left arm. "Its not your fight Max, its not your fight." You try to reassure yourself as you feel your soul leave you in disgust.

You slow down to catch your breath, the screams of the Tau girl gone now, having grown ever more quiet as the life faded from her. You collapse of exhaustion, tears streaking down your face as you realize what it is you really just did. With a shaking hand you raise your laspistol to your own head. "See you later, space cowboy..."

• BLAM*

---

And that's when she stands back up. Revealing her 24" twisted xeno plasma cannon. "Hey, that's a pretty cool gun! Mind if I hold it?" "Sure!" She replies happily, flopping it down on your hand. "Whoa, its warm." "Wait! Don't play with it so much or it might go off!!!" You don't hear her as you stroke and fondle the alien cannon. "No! Stop! ...Ah!?" The cannon explodes in your hands, covering you in sticky blue plasma. "Cool. I wonder how it tastes?" You remark as you lick the tip of the barrel. "Oh, this plasma tastes really good!" She's squirming as you continue to fondle the cannon. "W-well if you want some more, reload it." "How do I do that?" You ask with another lick of the barrel. "First you have to cock it." "Later, maybe..." You shrug, setting down the still toasty plasma gun behind you. "For now, let me give you another taste of MY plasma." Ailia opens her mouth, sticking out her tongue. "Guess again, xeno slut." You spin her around, revealing both her heresies to your throbbing power sword. Which one will you purge? "You shall feel the hot wrath of my blade." You lower the titan's cannon toward her eye of terror. "No! That hole isn't for the greater good!" She struggles in vain as your ship steadies itself, preparing to enter the breach of the warp. But before you can press forward into her dark heresy, a baneblade pops up from underneath one of the instrument panels. The barrel turns to you and obliterates the Crisis battle suit from the inside out.

"CCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!"

No!

Even TACTICAL GENIUS isn't going to stop you. "I must purge the heretics!" You cry. "No, Max, you are the heretics." And then Max was a chaos primarch.

"For SLAANESH!!!" You howl as you press forward with your seventeen penises. "There is no way those will fit! Stop! NOOOO!" Its too late, you thrust forward and drive them home, feeling the warp overtaking you. Your monster dicks shoot out and invade every greater good this xeno fuck toy has to offer.

You focus the warp and pull Lychria and Esh to you through it. "By the Emperor, what heresy is this!" "Oi! Mon-keigh, whats the big... By Uthwe NO!" You remove enough of your squirming daemon princes to be able to violate both of them. "So many holes, I WANT THEM ALL!"

You fill every available hole in your prayer of obscene pleasure to your new god. The three girls struggle, but there is no escape. And there are no brakes on the rape train. Your purple, bumpy, throbbing dicks violate them in their tight pink purity seals, their wet pleasure caves, and their protesting mouths. You start to climax. Unfortunately for them, when a Slaanesh daemon of your magnitude cums, they can keep it up for several decades if they so desire. Purple daemon-batter floods out of every hole and the three struggling girls suddenly go slack against their penis-bonds, unable to escape.

"And so that's why, idiot mon-keigh, nothing will ever happen between us!" Esh yells before hanging up.

What in the actual fuck did you just hear that tsunseer describe?

...As your ship exits the field you fire up your comunicatus devices.

"Tzeentch, heed my call." For a moment, silence. But then...

"I'm busy right now, GO AWAY!" You notice, just before the feed cuts out, that she is busily fingerbanging herself... ...To a picture of none other than the Emprah himself.

---

It's double rape time.

You realize you are covered in some kind of thick liquid that seems to be dripping out of your every.... DEAR EMPRAH NO! Your eyes fly open entirely, as you realize exactly what is happening.

---

"You can't possibly mean..." The Emperor staggers back. Tzeentch, blushing, nods her head repeatedly. Well this is certainly going to cut into his board time. Still, he's the god Emprah of mankind, he can handle this shit. "FALCON PAWNCH!" His fist creates a cradle made out of pure gold. "What do you want to name him?" Tzeentch asks quietly. "Max." The Emperor responds. "And he shall know no boundary."

---

"Hey Max." "Yeah Emprah?" "Can you babysit for me tomorrow?" "wat"

---

“Ha ha.” She beins to laugh slowly, quietly. “Ha ha ha ha…” Raising her spear and pointing it right at your chest. “Listen Esh, I can explain…” You barely manage to leap out of the way as the spear thrusts through the space occupied by your heart barely a second ago. “EXPLAIN!?! YOU CAN… EXPPLLLAAIIINNN?!?!?!” You are ducking, dipping, dodging and ducking to avoid the repeated thrusts, unable to get a word in lest you catch one through the gut. “YOU KNOW DAMN WELL, IDIOT MON-KEIGH, WHAT YOU WERE DOING!” A fateful jap catches you finally, you should have known you weren't agile enough to dodge an Eldar's attacks forever. You groan as Esh slowly works the blade around, grinning at your suffering. "Hope it was worth it." She says, before a nearby Eldar separates your head from your shoulders.

---

Original Threads

Thread I: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17067317

Thread II: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17073735

Thread III: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17095883

Thread IV: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17116254

Thread V: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17168467

Thread VI: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17191456

Thread VII: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17215659

Thread VIII: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17248917

Thread IX: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17270982

Thread IX - OVERTIME: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17274776

Thread X (ongoing): http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17315227

Thread X - OVERTIME: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/17318585/

Gallery

• 
  The Dice Gods show their appreciation of Max once again
• 
  Oh, Dice Gods, you so crazy