If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device
 This article contains spoilers! You have been warned. |
The Lord:
"You've nothing more to say to me? You come but to complain unendingly? Is never aught right to your mind?"
Mephistopheles:
"No, Lord! All is still downright bad, I find."
- Goethe's Faust, Prologue in Heaven.
A Youtube series created by Bruva Alfabusa, the show follows the exploits of Emprah himself in his quest to bring the Imperium of Man to their former glory, helped by the captain of the Custodes "Little Kitten", Magnus (now returned to the fold) and a hilarious cast of other major 40k characters, the series has become a complete success, mostly by poking fun on many of the memes, traditions and quirks of the 40k universe and the fandom but also by some very awesome scenes and, of course, great music.
Most fans agree that, while a wild and very unserious take on the 40k universe, the plot itself isn't actually that outlandish (apart from the Ultramarines capturing Magnus the Red...). If the Emps would wake up, it's pretty much a given that he would remove the Inquisition as some of the first things, while probably being an ass, as he always was. The unsure part is if the Emps would have learned from his 10,000 years of mistakes, which the series believes he has, deep inside. Doesn't help his temper though.
Dramatis Personae
Starting off with a few characters, the series has evolved to encompass a fuckton of major and minor characters, with their own small arcs and all. It's not quite OotS level, but it's getting there.
Team Emperor
- Emperor of Mankind: The Emprah, who's now able to verbally communicate with people after Techpriests installed a text-to-speech device on his throne. Is currently planning to rebuild the Imperium after hearing the clusterfuck of stories from his Captain-General caretaker. He also has a pet Centurion, which he finds adorable.
- Custodes Captain-General: Captain-General of the Adeptus Custodes and the only Custode who appears to have retained his sanity after the near-death of the Emperor. He serves as both the Emperor's personal caretaker and assistant, and pretty much the only person he regularly talks to and his main link to the outside world. Generally the only person the Emperor trusts and treats like a son, albeit constantly berating him whenever he does something stupid. He also seriously hates Tau. One episode implies that it is because Shadowsun spurned him for the Greater Good, something he furiously and tearfully declares must be non-canon. He is named Little Kitten by his fellow Custodes, for "purring his way so far into their ranks", but we have yet to learn his actual name.
- Magnus the Red: The closest thing to a sane person besides the Captain General (who plays the straight man depends on the situation). Retrieved from wherever by the sheer plot-armor-powered efforts of Cato Sicarius and then brought to the Golden Throne, where the Emperor manages to prank Tzeentch and steals back Magnus' soul. Touched, he somehow manages to forgive the Emperor and decides to help the Emps with his plan to fix the Imperium, but Emps being a jerk to him is starting to test his patience.
Imperials (So sorta good guys)
- The Pillar-stodes (Wamuudes, Custodisi, Karstodes): Some of the Emperor's personal companions from the Great Crusade days. After his interment into the Golden Throne, the rest of the Custodes have shed their armor as a sign of mourning. This, however, has also caused them to become fabulous hedonists (although not to a Slaaneshi-tier extreme), which greatly disturbs the Emperor. A running gag with them is that whenever the Pillarstodes come into a scene, they would dynamically jump in from nowhere with their own personal theme song. The three Pillarstodes appearance is based on the Pillar Men from Jojo's Bizzare Adventure: Battle Tendency; a group of fabulously well-built, half-naked Aztec vampire demigods seeking immorality. They're basically the Pillar men with the heads replaced with Custodes helmets.
- The High Lords of Terra: The people responsible for running the Imperium itself. Despite this, the majority of the High Lords never really discuss or do anything to the betterment of the Imperium, if any, they just act senile. There are currently 5 High Lords featured, aside from the Captain General.
- Ecclesiarch Decius XXIII: The only non-senile High Lord aside from the Captain General, who legitimately takes his post seriously, even standing up to Fyodor and forbidding him to shed a single drop of blood from Terra's population (which Fyodor circumvented by using incendiary weaponry). For not screwing up the Emperor's plan, not being an overzealous bag of insanity, and rushing to try to save the Emperor when Fyodor storms Terra's Palace he is allowed to stay leader of the Ecclesiarchy, even as the Emps is disbanding it, due that he and those who obeyed Emprah now are in charge of reforming the Imperium from the craphole it has sink in. Loyality to the man rather than the word finally payed off. Just about everyone mocks him for his hat. He proved that despite the crap others give him, he can make some pretty rousing speeches on the fly.
- Fabricator-General of Mars: The head of the Adeptus Mechanicus. Is so old that his voice stutters every time he speaks like a broken version of Stephen Hawking. Constantly does nothing but insult his fellow high lords for being made of flesh and recommend they swap out their fleshy bits for mechanical augmentations.
- Grand Provost Marshal: Head of the Adeptus Arbites, who does nothing but propose to make everything illegal. HE IS THE LAW.
- Master of the Administratum: The head of the Imperial bureaucracy. A bit less inept than the rest of the high lords, he acts like your everyday senile grandfather.
- Commander Militant of the Imperial Guard: The leader of the Imperial Guard. Doesn't do much, apart from comparing war to the good ol' days. Aware enough to know that the removal of minor luxuries (laxatives, breathing) may have detrimental effects on the Imperial Guard. Lays a sick beat.
The Ultramarines
- Marneus Calgar: Chapter Master of the Ultramarines. He's currently depressed and frustrated at the state of the Ultramarines where they basically win everything (due to their plot armor) and strict adherence to the Codex Astartes that its no longer fun anymore. Due to this, his mood is eternally grumpy, only made worse by Sicarius' constant gloating. He actually seems to care deeply for the men under his command as he get extremely pissed off when Sicarius put his marines at unnecessary risk to achieve another victory to inflate his reputation. He also appears in a flashback during the second Tyranid war in Ultramar, where he did battle with the Swarmlord. While he put up a valiant fight, he found that they were equally matched, and thus, declared it a draw.
- Cato Sicarius: Current Captain of the Ultramarines 2nd company. His persona's played as Cato's canon need to be a glory hound and the embodiment of the Ultramarines' plot armor, turned up to eleven, where he only cares for his advancement in the ranks of the Ultramarines and not much else. He apparently undertook the mission to capture Magnus the Red. Alone. Without his gellar field turned on, and his survival at such mission greatly pissed off Calgar to no ends, who was hoping he would die. He is also very verbal about his intention to take the position of Chapter Master, which greatly upsets Calgar (as Cato's dialogues largely implies that he's better than him and wishes for his death), to the point where he threatens to perform an "Imperial Fisting" upon Sicarius with his Gauntlets if he continues such thoughts. He also has a very egotistical, effeminate voice, and he always refers to himself in the third person. Its goddamn hilarious
- Uriel Ventris: Current Captain of the Ultramarines 4th company. He doesn't have a lot of development yet, but appears as a close friend of Calgar and is the only one who's noticed the Ultramarines' theme of somehow always completing utterly suicidal missions.
Adversaries
- Abaddon the Despoiler: Has yet to personally appear in the series, but has so far contacted Lucius and Ahriman to enlist their help with something that has yet to be determined, though judging by the context presented so far in the series, it is speculated to be another Black Crusade in the making.
- Fulgrim: Has yet to personally appear in the series, but appears to have already joined Abaddon in his plans. He makes his appearance as the person who called Lucius to get him to join Abaddon.
- Lord Inquisitor Fyodor Karamazov: Inquisitor of the Ordo Hereticus and a colossal jerk even among inquistors. When the Emperor disassembled the Inquisition, he went ballistic and led an entire crusade to Terra to purge what he thinks is heresy. Ended up in the Warp by Magnus for his troubles. This was all the Emperor's plan for sending out the message in the first place, to lure in all the more destructive Inquistors to get rid off them.
- Dominique: The sentient scribe servitor on Fyodor's Throne of Judgement. He comically makes fun of Fyodor on several occasions and generally breaks the serious atmosphere that the Lord Inquisitor tries to project.
- Ordo Malleus Inquisitor: One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor brandishing bulky power armor, almost resembling Terminator armor. Is the most level-headed of the group.
- Ordo Hereticus Inquisitor: One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. She appears to be the bad cop of the group with a short temper and a rough, Russian accent.
- Ordo Xenos Inquisitor: One of the Inquisitors accompanying Fyodor. He appears as an Inquisitor dressed in black and using a bolt pistol with a sight mount. He has a sort of soft-toned, yet hilarious way of speaking.
- Torquemada Coteaz: One of the Inquisitors who joined Fyodor's assault into the Imperial Palace. He shows up after Fyodor's forces was blocked off by a force of loyal Ecclesiarch priests led by Decius in the palace, but breaches their defenses by throwing a barrel of Jokaero at the defenders. This plan causes Fyodor to lose any respect for him, which solicits a disheveled response from Torquemada, telling him to get off his Throne of Judgement and tell him to his face, or use his multi-melta to do what he's too pathetic to. Fyodor backs off and lets him leave.
- The Four Gods of Chaos: Tzeentch is a petty schoolyard bully who also likes to engage in pointless overthought pseudo-philosophy and it's unclear of he means it of it's part of him being a troll, Slaanesh is a hyperactive masochistic camwhore, Khorne is a lazy fuck who's too comfy on his throne to actually show up on camera, and Nurgle is the only one actually doing any scheming. Malal makes a short appearance, conversing with the Gods in WH40K in Spacebook, where he declares he will ruin everyone once he becomes canon again.
- Lucius the Eternal: Appeared recently where he sounds like a homosexual, demented version of Mickey Mouse, fucking up some Imperial Guardsmen (in all senses of the word) with his warband. Also, he got a call from Abbaddon, inviting him and his band to join one of his "huge parties", which he accepted. His absolutely creepy portrayal at the series is quickly becoming one of the most scariest things in the franchise, sorta an impressive achievement.
- Ahzek Ahriman: Appears in a short scene where he finally gets access to the Black Library, only to be dicked with, and eventually booted out by Cegorach. Decided to quit trying to get into the Black Library and take a break, but decided against the latter after being given an unknown proposition by Abaddon.
Others
- Horus: Appears in the April Fool's episode, where he breaks into the Emperor's throne room and incapacitates him. The Emperor declares Horus can't win because he's all alone, but says he isn't as he gathered allies while he was clawing his way out of The Warp, all of whom are some of the dead/retconned/obscure characters in the fluff, like; The Beast (An Ork who waged one of the most successful WAAAGH!s in human history), Goge Vandire (The man responsible for the worst chapter in Imperial History after the Horus Heresy), Sindri Myr, the Megarachnids (A footnote insectoid race in the fluff, who were hunted to extinction by the Astartes in the Great Crusade.), the Squats (We all know who they are), Hermann Von Strab (One of the most inept commanders the Imperium has ever seen, who met his end in the 2nd war of Armageddon.), the Old Ones, the Techno-Barbarians of olden Terra, 3ED Old One Eye and SLY MARBOOO *cue explosions*. He subsequently declares himself as the new Emperor.
- Kaldor Draigo: Makes a short appearance after Fyodor and the rest of his attack force was sent into the warp by Magnus. He's clearly gone batshit insane after so long in the warp. He pops all around Fyodor and annoys him, driving the Inquisitor to scream in annoyance.
- Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka: Currently beating up the Overfiend of Octarius, as in official lore. It's still unknown whereever Thraka's gonna fit into things.
- Cypher: He shows up for one vague, foreshadowing scene.
- Cegorach: The Laughing God who's shown guarding the Black Library. He encounters Ahriman trying to enter and forcefully boots him out after a bit of trolling.
- Ground Marines: Introduced as a short spoof episode after the release of Age of Sigmar, a group of Ultramarines determined to bring their superior selves to the service of "other Emperors" enter a portal and come out transformed as Stormcast Eternals, their appearance crushing a small group of Empire Flagellants. Text then appeared expressing condolences for Warhammer Fantasy fans. Although non-canon, its a jab at Games Workshop's need to crowbar Space Marines everywhere (As the Stormcast Eternals largely resembles the Space Marines. Heck, they even take after The Greatest Of Them All with the blue, white, and gold color scheme.).