The tale of the PC who banged himself

This is a story about how forum-based RPs in their heyday can get fucking weird, but I feel enough time has passed to relate it. Everyone here probably knows what a forum-based RP is, usually on the old Proboards format. There are countless terrible ones out there, most of them anime-inspired, but this had me stitches (even though I was young and stupid at that time too)

This RP, I'm sorry to say, was based off Accel World. It's a series done by Sword Art Online's writer, notable for having some interesting ideas about virtual reality and a fat fuck as a protagonist. It's one of those stories where virtual reality is basically magic. So like all forum RPs, a large portion of stuff is spent wanking your unique OC character and living out your weird, horny fantasies. But you're not here for that, you're here for the tale of the player who had sex with himself, due to a series of disastrous miscommunications.

Our player, let's call him Byob, had chalked up a long and elaborate backstory about how - amid a cast of hundreds of alienated teens - he was special, because he had access to a magic shapeshifting weapon that broke even the rules of the game and was mostly a scythe. This was part of an esoteric reality-altering codestring that was scattered through time and space, to stop a nebulous, shadowy organization from getting their hands on it. Because with it, THEY would rule the world.

But what's the point of a cool weapon if you don't have equally cool characters to fight against? As it turns out, other people had fragments of the code too, which became equally cool and unwieldy weapons like an infinite supply of cross-shaped throwing knives, an impractically big sword that could split into two smaller swords, a pair of literally stiletto heels that let you kick and twirl (And, amusingly, went to a guy) and also a gun. In addition to the time-traveling computer code part, a girl (Let's call her Alice) had also been sent back in time, too! She knew Byob in the future, and it was her task to get him to reunite all the various fragments because Byob had heroically died in the future like the legend he was and Skynet had to be averted.

I swear that this was before the "Guy goes back in time" isekai boom, so I guess it was basically ahead of everyone's time Of course Alice was also controlled by Byob, so he was basically jerking himself off. This was more-or-less harmless, because you could ignore it if you didn't want to get involved in this insipid plot. But then everything went horribly wrong.

Unusually for most forums, there was an actual combat system. This means these magic weapons had to be statted out, in a setting where most combat is handled via punching, kicking and nebulously-defined special abilities, everyone wanted to get a hold of them. So this 'Quantum Code' thing eventually became a huge forum-wide event, with special prizes offered, though Byob was basically supposed to win and everything would eventually get resolved in a big battle.

Except it meant that people would have to interact with Alice, and so someone would have to control Alice other than Byob. Now, I don't know what happened - what dirty, shadowy deals and inducements were offered - for Byob to relinquish control of his pet waifu, but it did. Alice's character was handed over to a fresh-faced moderator who meant well, and was a pretty decent writer. But somewhere along the way, a terrible misunderstanding occurred. Accel World is a virtual reality setting. But strange fuckery is involved that allows for parallel universes and time travel (It's a thing in the games). Now, this means that technically only Alice's virtual self could go back in time, but at this point we had left canon behind and were accelerating rapidly into wild, uncharted lands.

Of course, the moderator hadn't read the forty-plus pages of Byob's elaborate backstory. He'd also missed the fact that Byob had already consummated his relationship with Alice in the messiest, most fumbling, most painfully adolescent way possible. This set the stage for the conclusion.

Anyway, it all concluded in a big battle against some omega-winged bad guy with equally nebulous powers, who died after being kicked in the face multiple times. Yet one mystery remained: Who was Alice?

There were many ways to resolve this, some less disturbing than the others. She could, for example, have been a future lover (an angle Byob would have preferred). She could have been, perhaps, an admirer of the hero yet to come. Or she could have been a future daughter, someone born of the Great Cataclysm, with a promise that one day they would meet again in the future. All of these ideas must have been considered at one point, but I add: No-one had read Byob's onanistic roleplays, other than the vaguest outline. The player controlling her certainly hadn't.

And so the truth came out. Alice was...Byob. Byob from the future, sending his consciousness back in a specially created QUANTUM AI CONSTRUCT. His goal, of course, was to move unseen and undetected in this era in order to thwart the plans of the bad guys. With his objective completed, it was time for him to return to the future, to his home planet which certainly needed him. He did tell Byob, cryptically, that many adventures awaited him, and that the seeds of greatness had been sewn. Byob. His younger self. Who had fucked him in every hole possible. Fuck.

So Byob had fucked himself, and we mean it in the biblical sense. According to his canon, he had nutted in himself at least twice and probably several more times, possibly included anal and definitely including 'mouth stuff'.

This led to a huge temper tantrum about 'not respecting his vision'. Accusations flew hot, fast and thick, and (as the news spread) Byob was widely considered to be a homosexual. He had, after all, sent himself back in time as an attractive facsimile of a black-haired heroine who coincidentally enjoyed anime and dressing up in slutty costumes and manga. Just the way Byob's dream girl would have. And who also enjoyed getting pounded deep and hard by his younger self, like the (and I quote) "Gayboy cum guzzler he was", according to a critic.

Oh, the tears that were shed. Oh, the recriminations that were exchanged. But at this point, it was too late. The event was done and over with, and it was impossible to retcon. Everyone had seen it. Everyone had been a part of it. They had all read about Byob lovingly tonguing his younger self like the queer he was, with the implication that (even in the future) he never scored. Thus endeth the saga in the way all sagas do, a torrent of pointed fingers, accusations, furious nerd tears and vows of dark and terrible vengeance.

If you're reading this, Byob, I'm so, so sorry. But excuse me for not bothering to read all your fucking forum posts in order to accurately portray your virtual girlfriend.

From the future.

Fuck you, Byob.