Mage's guild (old)

Every few weeks, when the stars allign and the great Bill Cosby zippity-zops at the moon, the Mage's Guild meets. These great and wizardy robefags all converge in a great walking tower, to discuss general bathrobe faggotry and how their various forbidden experiments are coming along.

Members of the most glorious Mages Guild[edit | edit source]

Active Members[edit | edit source]

Archwizard Anthrutius: thought to be stuck in the past, but still manages to call the Guild to its meetings. Despite having been challenged more than once because of his habit of overseeing everything without actively doing that much, he has recently shown why you'd better not fuck with the wizard with the pointiest hat. Recently murdered, but he got better.

Current status: Grand Poobah of the bathrobe fellows, or "Archwizard" if you like.

Main M.O.: leaving other wizards sort shit by themselves.

Conspierre, Esteemed Conspiromancer: Is not the father of all conspiracies, is not currently planning the downfall of our entire society. Despite a penchant for tricks and deception he manages to stay a pleasant fellow most of the time. Some of the voices in his head may or may not be real. Recent happenings led him to question some of his methods. Then Secretus came back and Pierre dueled Vex, feigning death only to rally and organize the others to better fight Secretus.

Current status: Very much alive, he set up the plan that ended up in kicking Secretus'ass... kinda.

Main M.O.: Planning and playing the long game. Lately, he has shown surprising competence in casting on the fly. Whether this continues or not remains to be seen

A cowled apprentice: an apprentice always wearing a coat and a hood, he is hiring talentless hacks for a secret mission and is obviously not a certain cunning conspiromancer in disguise.

Doctor Biscuitbarrel Adrian, D.Thaum, M.Blit, MMG, MRSBSU, BSC, SSC : Head of Weaponized Astronomy. Put a Tarrasque on the moon, then exploded it because he thought our planet would look pretty sweet with rings. Later made a new moon, which was briefly accidentally replaced by a lawnchair, spawning a short-lived cult. Long thought inactive, he has returned recently with new plans for blowing up stars in the most spectacular fashion and his currently after a newly discovered one.

Current status: trying to get yet another star to asplode.

Main M.O.: Gravity manipulation and big ass explosions.

Fryia the Crow: Lesbian head of witchcraft, former pupil of Jheska, used to hate sorcerers with passion before starting to date Noel. She came back from Jheska's thrall after Antruthius forced the drow out of her body and alongside her girlfriend adopted Jheska's daughter, although the rough experience seems to have left a scar on her soul.

Current status: on a personal crusade against mad cultists and everyone else who managed to piss her off recently.

Main M.O.: prehensile hair, death curses and Power Words when shit hits the fan.

Lupa the Fleshwarper: One fucking weird bitch, she likes to experiment on EVERYTHING. One of the oldest members of the guild. Actually her name is featured in a number of folktales to scare off kids. Usually not the most pleasant fellow to be around, she does not get along with rookies. Was recently stuck in a loli body until she managed to assemble a new one which she deems to be astoundingly beautiful.

Current status: annoyed with new members and just mildly bothered the cataclysmic shifts happening around her, insulting everyone and everything, but mostly Cromina, being pretty smug about her own new body.

Main M.O.: sending weird monsters to maim things, or insulting when she can not be bothered to do that (that is, most of the times)

High Bureaumancer Tedias: Head of Bureaumancy and Accounting. Rarely a nice acquaintance, but great to have handy when figuring out your taxes. Any legal action towards the guild goes through him and his team of equally uninteresting protegés. Apathetic, callous and vain, Tedias is one of the oldest members of the guild, at least old enough to have forged its first permission form from the king, and defended it from its very first lawsuit (from said king.) Has a vacation home and office in the Elemental Plane of Eternal Paperwork, where he spends most of his time outside of meetings.

Current status: Saving the guild from bankruptcy through generous use of false documentation and legal loopholes.

Main M.O.: Taking care of the Guilds absurdly complicated accounting department, writing off dead apprentices as 'collateral damage' and teaching the most tedious class of all: Applied Bureaumancy and Advanced Magical Economy

Percival Cobb: Head Hydromancer. Constantly complains about the good old times even if most would agree that they were never that good. After his endless bitching, he decided to give young age another go and proceeded to rejuvenate himself.

Current status: discovering yet again the wonders of being a youngster

Main M.O.: hitting things with pressurized water

Soros, Head of Divination: Unbelievably powerful, most gods are younger than him. He is still younger than Lupa though. All of his dabbling with powers best left unknown gave birth to a being of chaos known as the World Eater, lurking inside of Soros' mind. Last time it broke free, he destroyed Pierre restaurant before being put down by a waterfall of coffee. All things considered, though, he is a good fellow who isn't above diving in the face of danger to save his companions.

Current status: hopefully questioning his methods, otherwise keeping the low profile for once.

Main M.O.: ruthless and swift application of powerful ancient magic, tendrils of chaotic energy.

Elias Flamel, Associate Professor of Alchemical Studies: An alchemist descended from a former head of the guild's Alchemy Department. Hired on part-time to help oversee laboratory uses and teach some of the graduate students. Spends the other part of his time trying to replicate the Philosopher's Stone from his ancestor's notes. Attempts to be a voice of reason at meetings, even if the logical answer is also an outrageous one.

Current status: Well-composed, but slightly singed.

Main M.O.: A good balance of magic and science.

tuypo the planeshifter phead of planer studys at the mages guild : makes planes, is a polygamist, bisexual (most wizards are really), one of the newer members, specilises in changing the location of planes, has been recently involved in a war against a horde of goblins. His accent and the fact he seems to loathe punctuation bug more than a wizard.

Current status: who knows?

Main M.O.: plane shifting, allegedly, but he never seems to do anything on-screen.

Urr the Medicaster: A talentless hack of a healer that raises his patients as undead to avoid lawsuits. Looks like a skeleton wearing an asbestos bathrobe.

Current status: Gone for most of the time since the day after the drow invasion. Currently renegotiating the salaries of his vast horde of skeletons since they joined the Guild of Henchmen and Minions.

Main M.O.: resurrecting and lying.

Warlock Noel: The head of Pyromancy, among the youngest members of the guild. A nun gave her a male name on accident and she will react violently to being mistaken as male. To be fair she tends to react violently to most things, including, but not limited to, anything Lupa says, her apprentice wearing pants, and a certain drow witch. Although she used to loathe witches, she reciprocates Fryia's feeling (being the tsundere to Fryia's yandere) and together they a have adopted a drow child.

Current status: getting tangled up in Magical Girls shenanigans, much to Fryia's dismay.

Main M.O.: setting things on fire, fittingly.

Cromia Lieselotte Isolda Von Mannsfield-Schwartzhelm: Better known as Cromina. Eldritch knight, formerly a fighter, formerly male. Kinky, evil and corrupted by negative energy as a results of bargaining with Asmodeus, she is not so secretly ashamed of being a warlock, since she thinks spontaneous casters are no better than bards. She tends to be highly sociable and cheerful but has a well-known cold-hearted, rude and unlikable side. As of now she is busy being the new Queen of Valmia, after having waged a war against the nobles of her homeland- as a side effects she has become a better person now that she has to guide a non evil nation.

Current status: turned into a devil, then turned back into a tiefling. Currently Queen of Valmia

Main M.O.: fireball-chain lightning-hack&slash-rinse and repeat.

Mortimer, the Dutiful Assistant: half giant ex thieves guild assistant, has 500 years of practice into making coffee and his very proud about it; said coffee banished an avatar of chaos itself, so it has to be any good at least.

Current status: trying to help Cromina get over her depression and working on a new magic-fueled coffee delivering business.

Main M.O.: he has a club.

Apprentice Krogrr & Brogrr: Two heads are better than one as they say, however it is too early in these two's training to know for sure. Hailing from an unknown region, their species was apparently banned from the kingdom the guild was residing at. After fudging some paperwork, they were brought in as "special needs students."

Current status: Studying diligently and helping out around the guild

Main M.O.: Arguing with each other

Quin Bradley, Head of the Magical Girls Department: After a series of unfortunate circumstances, was transformed first into a little girl, then into some manner of eastern marshmallow cat. Seems relatively happy in her current state, if a little unsettling. And carnivorous.

Current status: Relaxing after eating Jheska

Main M.O.: Is it still cannibalism if you're no longer humanoid?

Veilhex Doomblight, Necromancy Instructor: One of the numerous Necromancers in the guild, and a doting uncle to his niece at the academy. Veilhex enjoys battle F O E's, raising the dead, and poaching corpses whenever possible to keep up with the insatiable demand of his department.

Current status: Teaching numerous apprentices the values of natural selection

Main M.O.: Raising an improbable number of zombies.

Anfarthon the Dishonored: Former representative of the Empyrean council who lost favor after engaging in a particularly unwholesome tryst with Lupa the Fleshwarper, and attempting to repair magical damage caused to Conspierre after he attempted to censor the event. Unfortunately the power of lewd shone bright, brightly enough to alert the council and cause him to lose their favor. Briefly moonlighted as the head of the lawmagi within the guild, but found the work unfulfilling.

Current status: Soul searching, and on a journey of self-discovery.

Main M.O.: Various law based magics, and a supreme knowledge of the various rules, regulations, pacts, guidelines, and codes that govern the land.

Lord James of the Red Shadow: A man whose shadow contains the spirits of his dead ancestors, among others, tracing back to a ritual performed by Aetherius, a hero of the First Age. He is relatively easy going, and generally polite, although he is quite brutal when his family is threatened. He has the ability to cast incredibly powerful spells, proving powerful enough to drag a god out of its own demiplane of divinity. The shadow energy leaking from James has plunged the Archives, where James spends most of his off time, into the Shadow Realm.

Current status: The Lord of Valendale, James spends his time fighting various threats to the kingdom, currently he is stationed at the Mages Guild.

Main M.O.: Taking advice, power, and knowledge from the spirits in his shadow. He knows a lot of things, many of which are powerful ritual magics, someone born in this day and age should have no business with.

Samantha, Apprentice Sorceress: A young geomancer still trying to learn the ropes as a new addition to the mage's guild. Quickly became Noel's apprentice after a disagreement with her wardrobe, although her current research has gotten her mixed up with several magical girl trinkets.

Current status: Trying to make magical girl tech make sense to the rest of us.

Main M.O.: Earth and lava-based magical attacks, can use a magical girl's transformation artifact to wield flames in several different ways.

Primal Magus Dramorn Oakenheart: A Dragonborn Fighter, Mage, Adventurer and occasional crime fighter, Dramorn is a newer member to the guild, recently rejoining the guild after he was accused of lewd acts (which he was innocent off) and booted. Now that the dust has settled Dramorn is trying to find a place in the Guild, but for now he spends his time fighting, drinking, and palling around with guildmates. He used to go by the moniker "Ironarm" on account of his left arm, which happens to be a highly modified Warforged limb, but has recently gone back to using his family name, Oakenheart, since he now has a Mimic, Darwin, that molds to his arm and mimics his coppery hide, camouflaging its robotic nature.

Current status: Homeless; living in the Fighter-Wizards Guild headquarters and crashing at others houses.

Main M.O.: Falchion Swinging and primal Elemental magic.

Lazarus, The recently re-reinstituted head of necromancy: Previously, and for some time, known as The recently re-resurrected ex-head of necromancy until resuming his position as head of the Department of Necromancy. Has lived for a long time, and has probably spent more time dead than most people alive. His first death was at the hands his first apprentice, few know the exact number of deaths he has suffered since but at least two of them he blames on his old apprentice. This, combined by a long line of apprentices since who weren't able to live up to his expectations, has led to him having a dislike for apprentices.

Current status: Recently re-resurrected.

Main M.O.: Screwing over druids, watching apprentices die and building undead armies.

Zirconis, Dragon Magic Teacher: Son of the Guilds biggest investor, Draconis the Red. A half dragon sorcerer/Dragon disciple known for being a smug arrogant dick. Not very smart and only cares about money. He is like that rich kid in school that you hated because it was rich and rubbed it under everyones nose. He is actually good at fire and hoard related magic but incompetent in most other forms of magic.

Current status: Being the biggest dick EVER.

Main M.O.: Somehow being the most evil member on a personal basis.

Random mage in the back: he points out things and has a penchant for pestering Zirconis, somehow managing to never give away his position or identity. Their constant bickering is a source of never ending entertainment for the rest of the guild.

Ivina Ferrus, Thundercaller: A highly skilled Fulminomancer and Knight of the Realm apparently. Ivina went by the name Ivan when she was male, but an encounter with pixies changed that. She's highly skilled in the art of Fulminomancy, to the point of controlling any she can sense. Besides Fulminomancy she's skilled in Weathermancy and Telekinesis. Her hobbies include cosmic exploration, cosmic genocide of innocent races, destruction of planets and stars, and having fun with most of the other guild members.

Current status: Dealing with mind raping an apprentice and adventure

Main M.O.: Seizing control of a person's nerve and copious amounts of lightning

Caesar the Hawk: a Valmian hawk. That's it. Cromia uses it so send letters sinc she can't into divination or mental sending. He is a rapacious, smug, malevolent bird who is perfectly aware of being awesome. He seems to find Ivina's shoulder rather comfortable and has taken an habit of resting there, doing her favors which he is paid for in bagels.

Trostia Flakker, Metalurgy Department Head: A female mage with red hair, kinda short, vulgar, adventurous, and a quick temper. She has 5 kinetic spheres, that appear to be flawless, and extremely heavy for their size. (They release a tremendous energetic blast when they hit objects at high speeds) She's one of the fastest to become one of the Department Heads, for a school of magic she invented. Very resourceful. Currently on a quest for the "6th Sphere". Lost her arm to the Magical Girls Device, replaced with a limb of living metal, that resembles a tree with vines with the "roots" digging deep into her torso.

Main M.O. Using the kinetic spheres as range weapon, Utility devices, weights, and as a general tool.

Rogok and Rogob: A duo of magic-born aberations spawned from the Mystery Sludge during an apprentice obstacle course. At first, they appeared as evil clones of Krogrr and Brogrr, but recent mishaps have transformed them into female goblins. They've since taken to their new forms and proudly act as goblins should, often causing mischief for their "comrades" in the guild or dragging their fellow mages along in their latest shenanigans. They are the spokeswomen of the Goblin Workers' Party, and have so far paved the way for their recruited goblin comrades to staff most of the menial labor for the guild.

Current Status: Trying desperately to learn magic from a master, causing problems for their friends, and something sinister featuring Vex.

Main M.O.: Mischief-making, fueled by vodka and communism.

K.D.A Young girl who is pretty tubby. Apprenticed to Lazarus and the 4th of April and determined to make him proud.

Main M.O. Using portals and being a lazy shit.

Gluglobul, Head of Oozemancy A Kuo-Toa turned Sea-elf that also acts as the representative of the Strangers. He developed his oozemancy from scratch and now teaches it to the various redcloaks and students that populate the Mages Guild. He can also transform, but instead of turning into a Magical Girl like many other members of the Mages Guild, he transforms into a fully armored warrior known as a Dengen Senshi.

Current Status: Doing paperwork and teaching classes for the Oozemancy Department and trying to take care of his adopted daughter.

Main M.O.: Creating more oozemancy spells and hanging out in his free time.

Botelus Shoemaker, Nechronomancer A new member to the guild who started out as a necromancer, then decided to minor in chronomancy and combined the two for easy identification. Is constantly panicked, due to long term exposure to abominations, paradoxes, and the average chronomancer.

Current Status: Trying to surmount the incredibly high apprentice mortality rate.

Main M.O.: Stuttering, nervousness, and occasional amazing feats/terrible crimes against nature.

Grímur, the Moderately Eclectic A middle-aged man in stereotypical wizard garb, who actually isn't great at most kinds of magic, but is quite mediocre at all of it. His greatest feat is the creation of a Necromantic Truth-Speaking Tiger, which he has misplaced. His beard extends to the ground, and his hat is actually almost taller than him.

Current Status: Doing what he wants and telling the "man" to stick it.

Main M.O.: Combining various schools of magic to create and cause things that most would consider just plain idiotic, usually using components that make very little sense.

Pelly Dhevess, Bearer of the puzzlecurse: A man who first arrived at the guild looking for a curse. Boy did he find some. Currently afflicted with a magnificently crafted magical puzzlebox that makes other curses permanent, Pel Hot, now Pelly, is a student and researcher of curses and transformation spells.

Current status: Loitering in the archives trying to solve puzzles.

Main M.O.: Spreading the misery with polymorph.

Semi-Active Members[edit | edit source]

Herr Hearsch, the Wizard of Science Head of the Science Department at the Guild; he appears to be in his fifties but has been at the Guild for quite a long time, back when science was a young school of magic. Always wears a lab coat, goggles hang from his neck, and he may or may not be packing some kind of miniaturized Tesla-device. His students are put through quite a lot through their studies, mostly due to the fact that he uses the same teachings his old teacher taught him before the "electricity accident" took his life. His time management skills are to be desired and he usually misses Guild meetings because he's involved in experiments, or yelling at his students to "not screw up".

Current Status: Trying to go to Guild Meetings on a regular basis.

Main M.O: SCIENCE!

Maxwell Hydranin, the Scholar:A blunt, grumpy genius. This is a mage who prefers research and experimentation side of magic. Maxwell isn't exceptionally skilled in one school of magic and prefers to focus on studying magic as a whole. He has a bit of an ego but pushes it aside to get things done. Dislikes combat magic, mainly due to being inept at it. The secret of getting on his good side lies in either surprising him with magical knowledge or giving him pastries.

Current Status: Trying to lay low from all the craziness

Main M.O.: Ignoring conflict to continue researching. Gravity spells to disable is opponents.

Vex, the Vile and Wicked Witch: An elven swamp witch who was displaced from her home. Wears skimpy outfits and rivals Conspierre for hilarious incompetence. Fond of skimpy clothing and challenging members to contests, she is currently working under Fryia after losing one such contest. Teaches witchcraft, and challenges everyone in sight to a test of skill. She sided with Secretus against Cospierre and was as such seemingly killed by a trap made of explosive runes. She has recently resurfaced in The Kingdom, operating as the Court Wizard and Royal Spymaster under a fake human identity. Since revealing her long-running schemes and leverage over the Guild in the form of magic-stealing runes and rigging the new guild hall with explosives, it is safe to assume her membership is in question.

Current status: Court Wizard and Royal Spymaster, Veronique Vex of the Kingdom.

Main M.O.: Elven fabulousity and alcohol.

Markul Jarlkin, Magus of Muscle Wizardry: A half-orc spellsword who seems to be perpetually late. Despite his clan's predilection towards more shamanic and druidic magic, he pursues more traditional wizardry and blends it with the martial arts. He's usually off adventuring to raise money and collect artifacts for the guild. On the occasions when he does show up for meetings, he usually arrives halfway through, or after the main issue has been resolved. He takes guild matters rather seriously, though has a silly side that shows through occasionally. Nobody can quite figure out what his accent is. Has a grudge against Vex for kidnapping his clan's witch doctor.

Current Status: Probably off adventuring.

Main M.O.: Orcish strength and battle magic.

Important non-guild members[edit | edit source]

Golgolath the Blighter (A blight druid specialized in disease, vermin and insulting mages. Really hates arcane casters, thinking they are a blight upon nature. Currently tries to ally with Lazarus to restart the Guild War)(I miss him)

Noone Listed (The Thieves guild liaison, We're pretty sure they just wanted to git rid of him. Is an (undead)Elf of indeterminate age and pretty much fails at everything he does. He was once in the running to become the saint of fuckups but he fucked that up. Is sometimes a zombie thanks to Lazarus. WARNING All luck based entities are advised to keep their distance as this elf has been known to suck them in.) (why is Noone Listed listed as important?)

Tina of the Thieves Guild, Halfling Arcane Trickster: a klutz halfling, fairly bright but totally gullible and naive, who studied under Fryia during a joint thieves-mages project, where she learned illusions and was discovered to be utterly incompetent at necromancy, which is the only school of magic in which she had any real interest. As such, she dresses up in a slight goth fashion, complete with skulls and black lipstick, and as a pet Zombie Pseudodragon named Ike.

Current status: hiding in Lazarus' shadow, ready to zap in and out leaving bruised enemies in her path

Main M.O.: smoke bombs, invisibility, illusions and an improbable number of dagger, she's one sneaky lass.

The Devil Lawyers Trio: a trio of three imps, working as lawyers for Asmodeus. They screw with Cromina most of their time and seem to have an hidden agenda. It would be impossible to tell them apart but fortunately, their head, the Devil Prosecutor, wears a bow tie, and one of the two remaining lawyers has glasses.

Lord Lysander, Minister of Coin: The eccentric businessman behind "Lysander Metalworks", the largest producer of metal products. Known fo being kinda shady, calling everyone darling, wearing fabulous outfits and being a really shitty playwright. Lysander is crippled, lacking a right arm since birth and having a stiff leg which he gained due to a badly healed fracture. He seems to have some kind of past with Ivina but acts as if he can't remember.

Current status: Enjoying his wealth in his manor.

Main M.O.: Worker exploition and underhand buisiness tactics.

Lurco: Is a man who knows a lot of cool tricks but is really rusty with them. He got brought to the world of Aen by another much more powerful version of himself and is now having to deal with filling his shoes!

Current status: Learning. Learning what? A lot.

Main M.O.: Adjusting to Aen and trying to fit in.

Steve Umboldt, Fighter-in-Training, BattleBingo Rules Expert & Newly Appointed Wizard: Perpetually confused Fighter's Guild Apprentice and momma's boy. Knows everything there is to know about board games and was recently made a wizard by Conspierre, who he looks up to as a big brother. Has a penchant for dying and getting stuck in different planes, rarely contributes anything meaningful.

Main M.O.: Finding the Fighter's Guild Hall

Inactive Members[edit | edit source]

Jakeness The Pyromancer (Everything was decommissioned when he went away to the Northern Barrens, a lot of things still are.

Jheska (A witch-maid, formerly head of the witchcraft faculty, hired to prevent the janitors from constantly being vaporized by doomsday devices. She is a Drow and most of the guild lives in fear of her. Betrayed the guild, trying a coup that was narrowly foiled and avoided being captured thrice, stealing Fryia's body in the process. Her constant scheming gave more than an headache to the guild, until she was killed once and for all... probably)

Callan the Khaki Mage (Loves to launch things into the Plane of Fire)

Caprical Vile, Tricksy Conjurer of the Eigth Order (His internal monologue is broken - LITTLE DO THEY KNOW THAT I AM IN FACT THE ESTEEMED CAPRICAL VILE IN DISGUISE, MWUHUHAHAHAHAHA!)

Chris Master of the Arcane (This bastard thought it'd be clever to set off three hundred alarm clocks in the Doom-Badger's chamber)

Reginald, Chief Librarian (His library is known to contain several mouldy scrolls of cleanliness, an Owlbear and some other shit)

Styven Fourth-Eye (uhfdgfberliudhgfnvjhbdvhgb lxf.kzgfjeqoi;hgfdkhbvdnfxbkj=)

The Venerable Conjurer Slothix (Partially turned into a sloth by a druid, detests rogues and thieves and general trickery, usually is late for discussions.)

Tulpamancer Purple Horse (An imaginary mage.)

Witch (Hates the Bard's Guild for some reason)

Wizard Crumpet (Comes from a long line of illustrious Crumpets, wants to steer the tower next time.)

Hatewizard Frank (Is currently on a trip to the Semi-Elemental plane of Ranch Dressing)

High Professor of Transmutation, Tivault Gant (He magicked his name, thus making it impossible to copy and paste, likes hiking)

Researcher Astoil the Fiery (Cursed to properly care for his apprentices)

Feats of Wizardry[edit | edit source]

The Guild has undertaken many exploits in it's day, most of them ending badly. But still they continue to thrive, even with most of them being decommissioned when Jakeness the Pyromancer went to the Northern Barrens. Here is a list of their known accomplisments:

- Opening unclosable portals to the Elemental Plane of J-pop over the Tower of Alchemy, AGAIN.

- Releasing robots into the academy

- Hating and shunning Purple Wizards

- Creating the first Orc-Sheep hybrid (this event forced the Guild to make their tower stand up and walk to a new location after shit went down, crushing an entire continent along the way)

- Killing members of the Bard's Guild

- The first failed Owl-Book transmodification

- Opening a portal to the plane of K-Pop to stabilize the portal to the plane of J-Pop

- Making apprentices fight the Basement Beholder with a Grapefruit Spoon

- Leaving Owlbears in the library

- FAILING TO TRULY COMPREHEND THE POWER OF CAPRICAL VILE, TRICKSY CONJURER OF THE EIGHTH ORDER, BWUHUHAHAHAHAHA!

- Sending the Seventh Order into the Elemental Plane of obnoxious children

- Turning the apprentices into Dire Bats

- Cheating at Guild Poker Night (Chris looks at everyone's cards when he thinks they aren't looking)

- Banning Librarians from attending Guild Poker Night (On account of someone stealing Crumpet's monthly issue of Nuts magazine)

- Listing Binders under the heading 'anomalies', causing much confusion and devastation, mostly because no-one knew what the significance of this was.

- Making Hate-Powered Jetpacks (It was a bad idea, and completely Hatewizard Frank's fault)

- Turning a guy into a footstool

- Stuffing squirrels into a cage, tossing in a few transfiguration runes, and tossing it into the Bard's College.

- Making Lupa play strip-poker

- Starting a riot in the Aberration plane

- Making Owlbear Squirrels

- Discovering that saying "cunt" a bunch of times isn't a retort

- Debating the merits of why a lizardman would have sex with a rabit

- Crushing the village at the bottom of the hill by sticking all the apprentices into a ball and then getting Grog the Troll to throw them.

- Crushing the village by the river by releasing Morvario the Fluffy

- Crushing the mountain village by releasing giant eight-legged frogs

- Inventing the 'spank crossdresser' spell

- Discussing the savage tendencies of the Wafflegobbler

- Inventing the ritual of flatulent spirit

- Awakening the Doom-Badger, and then having to put her back to sleep with an accordian and a bottom salve

- Casting Chris into the Elemental Plane of bottomless ravines for three hundred years

- Getting to be Chief Librarian by waving around a few cantrips

- Struggling with crossword puzzles

- Inventing the 'conjure pornography dragon' spell

- Throwing nameless Anons into the chamber of incineration

- Not doing anything for a time due to Jakeness the Pyromage decommissioning everything when he went to the Northern Barrens

- Not using the Chamber of Sexual Torture due to it being decommissioned when Jakeness the Pyromage went to the Northern Barrens

- Re-opening the alchemy lab after it was decommissioned when Jakeness the Pyromage went to the Northern Barrens.

- Discussing wether to stick with traditional namings for spells or to let individuals claim their spell's effect by putting their names in the spell.

- Deciding that an avatar of gruumsh in the library was a minor issue and largely ignoring it

- Genderbending the king of Adros as a way to complain about taxes (it worked, and the king decided life as a girl was not that bad either)

- Destroying the moon, then making a new one

- Fending off a drow invasion

-"Allying" with the drudic circle against Jheska's schemes.

- Feeding Jheska to a witch in an anime villain body.

- Having a lesbian couple adopting a drow princess

- Selling wizardmas, than taking it back

- Set the bard's college on fire (again)

- Dueling by flinging evoked top hats and conjuring pants on unwilling people

- Creating the multiverse's first Arm Mimic

- Breaking a dragon's heart to achieve new levels of witchdom

- Summoning the lord of glam himself, Daveth the Bowyer down from the heavenly realms to impart guidance and resurrect a fallen friend (Calling Noone a friend? gods above and below you people are lonely)

- Breaking poker house rules.

- Wizard Battle Chess Card Game Ultra Super Deluxe Romance Bingo 2.0: The Game that could take YEARS to finish! Ask Steve the Fighter about it sometime.

- Plunging the Archives of the guild hall into the Shadow Realm.

- Getting a twelve year old boy a little to involved with tentacles.

- Allowing an ancient, incredibly powerful, evil wizard (who, for the record, is a total dick) to resurrect just to make a little girl happy.

- Creating a giant, deadly obstacle course to get new bodies for the Necromancy department to use while writing off the deaths as a training exercise.

- Killing someone who may have been a good guy because he was a giant prick.

- Creating an army of molten gold golems to march on the kingdom and sign paperwork to return a half-half-dragon-half-greed elemental's hoard.

- Killing a minor god because it messed with Soros' girlfriend.

- Taking bets on whether or not Zirconis will get rekt, and if so by whom. (He did, and he rekt himself no less.)

- Making incredibly delicious soup which everyone loved until they found out the ingredients included a virgin human girl.

- Angering Karl the Goat Hucker, and unleashing a barrage of thrown goats and indecipherable accents.

- Mind Raping the same apprentice twice in twenty four hours by two different people.

- Somehow staying diplomatic for long enough to ally with the Kingdom.

- Putting together the Cromina's Ten Braves, a continents conquering, war waging, world shattering, endlessly bickering task force (currently said braves are Noel Crowflame, Conspierre, Quin Bradley, Ivina Ferrus, Dramorn Oakenheart, Mortimer, Lazarus, Lupa, Lord James of the Red Shadow and Trostia Flakker)

- Subduing an orchestra of musical basilisks, hiring a Living Wall, and then running away from some Mohrgs all in the same ancient tunnel

- Helping Cromina retrieve the crown of Valmia and become its legitimate ruler. It is unclear if it is a good thing though.

- Reading smut about sky pirates.

- Causing several international incidents while trying to stop some Murderous Malefic Girls.

- Shutting down the mana grid of a district of the Capital, leaving thousands of people without power for a night.

- Tasting the bitter prank of Zondor!

Guild Poker Night is Saturday Night, this was decommissioned for a time when Jakeness the Pyromage went to the Northern Barrens. Simply put? Don't mess with these bathrobe faggots, they will hunt you down. Hunting Down was decommissioned for a little while after Jakeness the Pyromage went to the Northern Barrens, but is now active again.