Johnniass Dragonraper

This article contains PROMOTIONS! Don't say we didn't warn you.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must question his own beliefs and perform a questionable action for the benefit of others. Even a paragon of might such as Lord Johnniass Dragonraper has dealt with such a dilemma. But as you will soon see, he manages to get through it, and learns that there are many different methods by which a man may seek happiness in this world.

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? Johnniass and his young ward, Diquad, were taking a break from their never-ending traversing of the world, relaxing over a drink in one of the finer-looking taverns in the area they had chosen to stop in. It wasn’t a small town by any means, and the people seemed to be rather well-off, but there was an air of uneasiness that was almost palpable. Johnniass spotted a large group of people come into the tavern. One of them spoke briefly to the barkeep, who showed them all to a private room. The group itself was made up of all manner of folks, but there were two types of people who comprised the majority: clergymen and guardsmen. Johnniass looked at Diquad. “Something big’s going on. Watch our drinks, I’m going to go talk to that barkeep.” Diquad nodded in agreement.

Johnniass sauntered up to the bar. “Hey”, he said, with a tone of smugness and arrogance that only a man whose primary activity is forcing dragons to submit to his sexual desires can muster up.

“Alright, tough guy, what do you want? Another drink? You haven’t even finished your first one.”

“No”, scoffed Johnniass, “I want to know who those men are.”

“Oh, you haven’t heard?” inquired the puzzled old man, “those men are meeting to discuss what to do about some bizarre new cult that’s sprung up.” Johnniass snorted inwardly as he imagined all the possible things that this new cult might be devoted to. But the bartender’s next words were something that he did not expect.

“Some cult devoted to something claiming to be a dragon-goddess or something.”

As soon as the word “dragon” escaped the man’s mouth, a golden, fiery gleam appeared in Johnniass’s eyes. To this day, the old coot still swears that he saw a golden flame appear in the man’s eyes. As soon as the word “goddess” left his mouth, Johnniass’s eyes grew in intensity, and his jaw began to drop a little before he regained his composure. Diquad, who had been straining to hear the conversation, saw the look on his master’s face, and hazarded a guess at what reckless thing that these two words might coerce Lord Dragonraper into doing. Unfortunately, he was right.

With the speed of every bolt of a Chain Lightning spell combined, Johnniass left the bar and went to the door of the back room where the council of men was meeting. In his overzealous attempt to open this door, Johnniass ripped the handle right off. Naturally, the council was upset, but the imposing force of this giant of a man, covered in wondrously heavy platemail, with a huge sword on his back, and the expression of a madman, this presence that oozed pure masculinity, forced them to stay in their seats.

“My name is Johnniass, and I demand all of the information you have on this dragon-goddess!” Some of the more learned sages’ ears picked up at the sound of his name. One of the older ones looked up at him.

“I have heard rumors of a man named Johnniass. It is said that when a she-dragon terrorizes a town, he appears. He hunts her down, enters her lair, and then the blasted she-beast never approaches the town again. Although he never returns with any proof of the killing, the look of pure satisfaction on his face speaks many words. It is the expression of a conqueror, a man who has triumphed over a great goal. Are you he?”

“Yes, old man, I am. And I am here to do the same thing that I did to those other dragons to this little goddess. I fear no she-dragon, and whether or not they have found a way to gain worshippers has little meaning to me. I shall penetrate her lair with great force, and then I will unleash torrents retribution on her.” Diquad couldn’t help but smirk at the innuendo, but he managed to change his expression before anyone noticed.

“Well, you see, Mister Johnniass, it’s a bit complicated. The creature’s name is Sapphirus, and… as I said, it’s complicated. You and that boy of yours may want to take a seat.”, said the guardsman with the most decorations on his uniform.

“First of all, that’s not my “boy.” He’s my assistant. Secondly, what could be so complicated about this?” inquired Johnniass, perturbed by all of the talking that was delaying what he was sure would be a truly blissful experience.

“Well, you see, we’re not totally sure that it’s all dragon. Apparently sh-“

“WHAT?!” interrupted Johnniass, angrily. “Do you pathetic little boys mean to tell me that you were about to let me hire out my services in taking out a mongrel? A disgusting damn half-dragoness?? You people sicken me!”

Diquad, the more rational thinker of the two, attempted to calm his master down. “Wait, sir, you know how gods and goddesses can take different forms and things! And I’m sure it’s nothing TOO different, right?” As he said the last word, he looked over to the head guardsman, hoping that he would get the hint.

“Oh, of course. Well, like I was saying, the beast is more… bipedal in nature. And it wears these gaudy, brightly-colored clothes. Not to mention, we’re not entirely sure what she does. She runs about claiming to be the goddess of dragons AND of the elements. She’s managed to gather a meager number of followers. It’s obviously draconic in nature, don’t get me wrong. The worst part of it all, though, is the horrid weapon she carries. It’s this ridiculous, key-shaped sword. Its design is beyond ridiculous, and it appears to be the product of the imagination of an idiot-child more than a true weapon. But the problem is that it has some sort of magic power. Those who lack focus and are weak of will take one look at the thing and are put under a spell of uncontrollable laughter. The spell only alleviates itself when the horrid thing is hidden from the sight of the afflicted man, and even then they have to work to regain their focus.” The mighty Lord Dragonraper sighed a heavy sigh.

“Johnniass, sir”, pleaded the guardsman, “I understand that the reputation of a mighty dragonslayer is important, and I understand that you want to maintain this purity… trust me, just because she is bipedal and colored in ridiculous, nonsensical patterns of color does NOT mean she’s not a dragon! She has just altered her form somehow! We need a man like you to remove this potential threat from the world! Please, think of the townsfolk!”

Johnniass arose from his seat. “I’ll need to think about it. Direct me to the nearest inn. I’ll talk to you about it tomorrow, same time as today, in this room.”

Lord Johnniass Dragonraper was in the throes of a moral dilemma. He knew it wasn’t right. Lesser men, such as his squire, Diquad Dragonlester, might not see such a problem with it. It’s just a minor infraction of the rules, right?

“Just a minor brush against the line, you know. Just a bit of brushing up against it. Who even knows where the line stands, in all honesty?” said the young magic-user.

“Look, kid, I don’t know what the hell they teach you these days, but when I was coming up, the lines were solid. They were black and white and clearly drawn. Right was right, wrong was wrong, and I just don’t know about this situation. I mean, rape… now that’s good. But only with a full-out dragon. Reports of this thing say it looks like some sort of human-dragon mix. Who wants to touch something with mixed blood like that? I mean, other than weird little bastards like you.” Diquad ignored his master’s insult, brushing it off as the quirky obsession with purity that he had grown to know and love.

“Sire, I’ve seen you tackle a great many dragonesses in the short time I’ve had the privilege of serving under you. From those who have just entered adulthood to Great Wyrms themselves. And I know you’re capable of violating this one as well. You know it as well. Besides, they say she looks a lot like a dragon.”

“Look, kid, “looks like” and “is” are two totally different concepts. After all, Azshreylla looked like one amazing ride, but she barely even put up a fight. Now, she did spend a good bit of time crying, which was pretty hot, but you and I both know that crying is no substitute for fighting back.”

Diquad nodded. “But lord, appearances ARE important. I’m afraid that if you turn this down, people may call you a coward. Then they won’t tell you about the dragon activity in neighboring areas. You’d run out of prey. Sir, I just can’t bear to see that happen!”

A somber expression descended upon Johnniass’s face, as he sighed. “You’re right, boy. I have to rape that dragon. Not for my own personal gain, but for the continuation of our quest. And you know, she IS a goddess, right? She might be a good lay.” Johnniass’s spirits seemed to be returning to him.

“That’s the spirit, sir!” said Diquad, relieved to see that his master was coming around. “Now let’s get some rest so we can go tell those men that we accept the offer.”

Morning had come, and the two men inspected their equipment, prepared any scrolls and potions that might be necessary, and spent most of the day mentally preparing themselves for the adventure. They entered the tavern that afternoon. As they did so, everybody in the place fell silent and stared at them in awe.

Johnniass groaned. He hated this sort of attention. They walked into the back room, noticing that the door handle had not been repaired yet. They also noticed the disdainful look that the barkeep was giving them.

They walked in, and were greeted by the captain of the guard, the eldest sage, and a handful of priests. The captain of the guard handed Johnniass a map. “This should mark the entrance to Sapphirus’s cavern. Cultists view it as being a holy place, and confine their worship to various temples away from the cave. You should be able to get there fairly uninterrupted. Be careful, and may the gods’ blessings be with you, noble Johnniass Dragonslayer.”

Johnniass started at this. He used to be angry about the fact that nobody ever got his surname correct, but he learned to deal with it, deciding that it may be best that they don’t understand the nature by which he frees their villages. He handed Diquad the map. “Come on, kid. It’s time to… erm… “slay” a goddess.”

The journey was long, hard, and arduous. The normal excitement that accompanied their travels seemed to be a bit lacking this time around. Johnniass was excited, that much was true, but he was also a tad bit apprehensive about this whole thing. He supposed that sexual attraction wasn’t all there was to rape. Maybe there was something more… his duty as a dragon-rapist to keep the public safe. They followed the map, met by little-to-no resistance. A few wandering ogres crossed their paths. Many ran at the sight of Johnniass. Those that attacked him were dead before they even had the chance to land a blow. Such is the power of a man intent on dragon-rape. Finally, they arrived at the foul beast’s cavern. The entrance alone was enough to sicken both of them.

It was covered in all sorts of bright colors with no discernable logic behind the patterns. There was a giant, gaudy, golden sign above the cave entrance. “SAPPHIRUS: THE AWESOMELY COMPLEXED GODESS OF DRAGONS AND THE ELEMENTS”, it read. “You know, for a goddess, this bitch isn’t too bright.”, said Johnniass.

“Who the hell can’t spell the word “goddess” properly? I mean, it’s her own title, for crying out loud.” Diquad groaned in agreement.

“We live in a primarily illiterate society, but even a peasant with the most basic reading and writing skills imaginable could consistently guess at the correct spelling of such a simple word. And although I’m not an expert on dragons, at least not to the extent of yourself, I am an expert on the elements. And the two aren’t really that related. That’s a ridiculously broad portfolio. It’s as though this is all the daydream of some poor child that was the victim of some sort of mindrot spell.” Johnniass laughed.

“I know. And what does “awesomely complexed” even mean?”

“I have no idea. I always thought that both gods and dragons were supposed to have really high levels of intellect, but I suppose that there can be exceptions to just about any rule…” Johnniass nodded, thinking about the exception to his own rules that he was about to have to make. “Well… let’s go in.”

Johnniass and Diquad entered the horrific cave, and witnessed an even more horrific scene. This colorful creature stood, ready to greet them. She was very tall, but definitely a biped. She was wearing some awful, colored robes and necklaces. Even on locations where necklaces shouldn’t be, such as the arms. She had breasts. She even had blue hair, in some strange, long, spiky style that could only be described as “laughable.”

In spite of all of this, she was definitely a dragon. The facial structure, the scales, everything. She was a dragon. Not all that attractive of a dragon, but she was a dragon nonetheless. The fool had left her impossibly stupid sword in the corner.

She waved at them with a spastic, jerky motion. She then yelled out a peculiar word. “Waffles!” she said. Johnniass and Diquad looked at each other in bewilderment.

“Tee-hee! I’m being random!” said the foul beast, with a voice that was reeking of falsehood and an immature attempt at being “cute.”

Johnniass had all he could stomach. He closed his eyes, and he attempted to muster up something deep within himself. The desire to sexually assault a creature with mammalian features. He opened his +5 Codpiece of Holding a bit, and poured an Oil of Stiffening on his crotch.

“Diquad, do something about those robes of hers! I’m going to do this!” Diquad had a special form of Unraveling spell devised for his own personal satisfaction which he knew would be useful here. Diquad cast it.

The brightly-hued threads of her horrid robe shot out in all directions, as did the cords for the multitude of necklaces adorning her. Her garish wings were still a multicolored affront to the eyes, but overall, she was much easier to look at. Diquad especially thought so, although he wouldn’t tell this to Johnniass, and he hoped that Johnniass wouldn’t notice the awkward position in which he was standing.

Johnniass was too busy to notice. He whipped off his +5 Codpiece of Holding with exceptional skill and flung it behind him. He then began to run like a man possessed, straight for this annoying she-beast. She had been shrieking and yelling and carrying on about the fact that two “icky boy-perverts” had just disrobed her. And as she saw Johnniass and his massive erection heading for her, her screams only grew louder.

Johnniass closed the gap very rapidly, and with a great feat of strength, he grabbed her legs and pried them open. And his face fell with disappointment. His magically-enhanced genitals were almost always a pretty tight fit in the vaginal openings of dragon women.

But this creature’s vagina was large, loose, and unappealing. It was a first for Lord Dragonraper, this feeling of disappointment upon the viewing of a dragoness’s vagina. But then his eyes moved lower. Today would truly be a day of many firsts. Not just for him, but from the looks of things, for her as well.

Johnniass knocked his prey to the stone floor of the horribly-decorated cavern, and placed the tip of his dragon-slaying lance at the entrance of her exit.

“NO!” she screamed, “YOU SICKO! THAT’S GROSS AND IT’LL HURT! I’LL KICK YOUR ASS, I SWEAR!”

Johnniass smirked. “Kick my ass, huh? Well guess what I’m doing to yours.” With one mighty thrust, Johnniass crammed his mighty organ into the beast’s intestinal tract. Although he had not applied any lubrication, she managed to provide a large amount of it in her own draconic blood, which was flowing freely.

“I’LL KICK YOUR ASS! I REALLY WILL!” she shrieked, in agony. But in spite of her big talk, she was unable to do anything. She looked angry, she spoke angrily, but she would not actually defend herself. Whether she was nothing more than a big talker who had grown overly-confident and egotistical from a sheltered childhood or she just liked being anally raped, Sapphirus would not fight back.

Johnniass thrusted in and out of her horribly-wounded anus with great vigor. He was taking pleasure not in the sexual gratification, but rather in the pain he was causing this unspeakably annoying wench.

Maybe she talked too much, but she also cried and struggled a lot. Tears, struggling, and blood. Lots of blood. These were normally great turn-ons for Johnniass. And while his member did engorge itself even further because of such things, it was as though his own mighty phallus knew its purpose on this great spring morning: to cause this filthy bitch as much pain as it could. And it was doing its job.

Sheer rage was able to maintain the mighty Lord Johnniass’s equally mighty erection. The Oil of Stiffening had long since worn off, and his member was even harder than it was when he began to assault the filthy whore of a goddess. Johnniass kept this going for three days. He never slowed down, he never lost even a centimeter of girth, and she never stopped crying and sobbing, screaming empty threats and cursing him and the rest of the male gender.

But eventually, the pressure he had been feeling in his testicles could no longer be ignored. He leaned in close to his prey. “Hey, Sweetheart… ever have kids?”

“NO YOU –OW- SICK SON OF A BITCH! I SWEAR I WILL KICK YOUR ASS! I’M A GODDESS, NOT A SLUT! AAAAAGGGGHHHHH! I’LL KICK YOUR ASS!” A mischievous look worked its way across his face.

He quickly pulled his blood-drenched penis out of her gaping, stretched, wounded, contused intestines and jammed it into her surprisingly moist vagina. Although he couldn’t feel much, he could feel just enough.

Now it was his turn to scream. “FORGET THOSE STUPID RAINBOWS, TRY GIVING PLAIN WHITE A CHANCE, YOU STUPID WHORE!” As he roared his mighty proclamation, he injected a seemingly infinite torrent of white, sticky reproductive fluids into her gigantic vagina.

As he pulled his slimy, sticky manhood out of her oversized sheath, she could do nothing more than lay on the ground, shaking, convulsing, and muttering “I’ll kick your ass…” over and over again.

Johnniass reached into his bag, lit a cigarette he had Diquad roll for him before they left, woke Diquad up, who had fallen asleep during the lengthy marathon of anal rape, and walked out of the cavern. “Some goddess.”, he sneered. “More like a stupid child with an overactive imagination and some minor shape-changing abilities. See you around.”

(DON'T GO JUST YET, KIDS, THERE'S AN EPILOGUE!!)

~EPILOGUE~ Sapphirus lay on the ground, ashamed and distraught. Her cavern had no sign hanging over it anymore, no decorations. She covered herself in brown burlap robes, and destroyed all of the colorful decorations in her cavern. They brought her no joy anymore.

She had been inane and carefree, ignorant of the world around her and too inwardly focused to see that she was little more than a burden to others, and that her only worshippers were humans just as pathetic as she, humans that identified with her and clung to her in hopes of feeling less pathetic. She was no longer that person. She had grown serious and insightful. She had to be.

It had been many moons past since the strange human had violated her. Her hindquarters still felt stinging pain on a regular basis. And she was pregnant. At least some good would come from this. Someone that would finally understand her and accept her for who she was. Someone that would actually love her.

And then she heard it. Armored footsteps. Fast ones. And she recognized that rhythm. It was the human that had almost completely ruined her life. Perhaps she could endure. She felt confident that motherhood could keep her strong.

And then he entered with superhuman speed, being followed by the smaller, younger human. The younger human was riding a horse to keep up. Magic must have been involved. No human could run like that in such armor. No human was that powerful.

The human, with an expression of amusement on his face, said: “Now it’s time to finish that big plan of mine…” And then he closed in on Sapphirus. She was not prepared for what happened next. “BYE-BYE BABY!” yelled the cruel human, as he delivered a punch of impossible magnitude to her belly. And Sapphirus felt that spark of life within her fade away.

As Sapphirus screamed in anguish, the big human took a rolled-up scroll from his belt and tossed it to the smaller one. “You owe me, she-beast. I put all that effort into you, and I still wasn’t satisfied. Diquad, let’s make ourselves a proper dragon. And make sure she’s nice and tight this time. Everywhere.” ~END~