Space Wolves

Space Wolves
Battle Cry	"For Russ and the Allfather!"
Number	VI
Founding	First Founding
Successors of	N/A
Successor Chapters	Wolf Brothers
Chapter Master	Logan Grimnar
Primarch	Leman Russ
Homeworld	Fenris
Strength	More than 1,000
Specialty	Assault
Allegiance	Imperium of Man
Colours	Grey-blue

The Space Wolves are a Chapter of werewolf Viking Space Marines, and are as manly as the Angry Marines are angry. Also, they like wolves, in case you couldn't figure it out from the fucking name. Extremely Nordic, very melee oriented, and perpetually drunk/feasting/chasing bitches and of course beating the living hell out of anything that they don't like, real or otherwise. They would probably get along with Khârn, who really is a nice guy, but they're still pissed off over the whole betrayal thing, and they'd probably get along pretty well with World Eaters and followers of Khorne in general, were it not for the whole betrayal thing again keeping them from what would likely be a successful relationship. Probably more amiable towards the Angry Marines, whom the Space Wolves get many good ideas for insults from. Presently, they refuse to acknowledge the Pretty Marines as an actual chapter for undisclosed, yet obvious reasons.

Brief History and Main Overview

There is a point after which this shit needs to stop, and we, at /tg/ have clearly crossed it.

Leman Russ was basically Viking Tarzan with wolves instead of apes, he was captured by the humans of Fenris and became adopted son to King Thengir. When Thengir passed, Leman became king, by virtue of being the biggest badass on Fenris. And that's saying something. Ol' Empy came along and said 'JOIN ME!' in his typical dickish fashion. Leman then challenged him to a drinking and eating contest where he showed the omnipotent demi-god up in front of half of Fenris. This was the first instant until the Horus Heresy where the Emperor would be brought down a peg. Angry that someone may have beaten him, he challenged Leman to a duel. Leman almost won until the cheating Emprah cunt hit him on the head with a Power Fist. Nice, Empy, Honor and Fairness and all that. Leman got up a few days later and had a headache from his hangover. He then became Primarch of the Space Wolves. The rest is history.

The Space Wolves are another example on how Games Workshop lusts after medieval Scandinavian history and mythology. As if the Warriors of chaos weren't already enough of a tip off to that. Given that they are the only Space Marines to have beards, wield axes laugh boisterously and act like something more than sombre, grim assholes, and because they have names like 'Ragnar', 'Logan' and 'Bjorn' they are instantly considered manlier than all other Sphess Mehreens, including the Chaos ones. They are also one the only factions in the Imperium who actually value human life. On top of all that, they happen to have the most badass Chapter Masters ever, Logan Grimnar. Who is one of the few people to actually tell the Ecclesiarchy that they were a bunch of scum sucking bastards for wiping out Armageddon's population on account of potential heresy due to encountering daemons. Which, of course, was bullshit as Logan and the Grey Knights had already banished Angron to the warp. This man essentially gave the Inquisition and the High Lords of Terra the middle-finger and no one could do anything about it purely because he can make people shit themselves just by looking at them funny. Talk about manly!

Scary Badass Grampa Werewolf Viking FTW!

If they were in a vidya gaem, they'd probably be voiced by BRIAN BLESSED... or his royal Cinemaness CHRISTOPHER LEE.

Spess Wohlfs, if not already obvious, draw upon a heavy viking theme and equally heavy werewolf theme. As such, the Space Wolves, Black Templars, World Eaters and Khornate Worshipers in general, are the few people to realize that they all live in a fantasy universe with spaceships.

Relationship with the Thousand Sons

Space Wolves have a talent for rage, and it is thought by some that they pride themselves with the sheer number of enemies they have. But the Thousand Sons Chaos Legion is by and large their greatest enemy, at least that's what they think. The fact is that the rivalry began when the Space Wolves kicked the living shit out of the Thousand Sons on their home planet, which is like having your country host the Olympics and then getting last place in every event. Before that Leman Russ, Primarch of the Space Wolves, broke the back of Magnus the Red, who is Primarch of the Thousand Sons.

Considering the Emprah basically just asked for Leman Russ to give Magnus a ride to Earth, this is more like your parents asking you to tell your younger sibling to come out of their room and clean up the mess they made, only for you to go in there, shoot off both their legs, take a dump on the floor and set the room on fire, chase them out into the streets and then tell your parents that the brat suffered for not taking responsibility for the five or so school books on the couch. Of course, Horus helped that all along. Just as planned.

. . . Yeah, Horus or no, Leman probably would have done it anyway for the lulz.

This set the tone for the rest of their unhealthy relationship. The Thousand Sons do something to piss off the Space Wolves, usually some brilliant, convoluted plan, and the Space Wolves just charge and beat the living shit out of them and laugh in their faces when they find out how much work those Tzeentchies put into their plots. Sadly, this usually comes at a staggering toll in Space Wolf lives. So grimdark.

Ragnar Blackmane

Meanwhile, on Fenris...

Perhaps the best example can be found in The Space Wolf Omnibus, in which Ragnar Blackmane, who is basically a young Space Wolf, not only fucks over a Sorcerer, but Magnus the Red himself. The Sorcerer, Madox, is so pissed at being foiled by Ragnar that he bitches about it to other Thousand Sons, who find this hilarious, and goes around making plots, which Ragnar manages to fuck up nicely, thereby saving the galaxy. Ragnar even took the spear of his Primarch and hurled it into the eye of Magnus the Red. Do note that this is as much canon as other BL anti-fluff shit.

Because of this, the Blood Ravens forge a weapon named after Ragnar, who tells them to keep their toys because he doesn't need it.

He and his pack once fought off 40 odd genestealers in close combat, in the actual game and fluff; fighting this many genestealers in melee is a one way ticket to massive rending claw induced ASSRAPE for anything short of a land raider. Yet somehow he managed to avoid being torn into gory paper thin pieces and come out on top. Why? It's because he's a motherfucking Space Viking, and that's a trillion times better than faggoty Space Bugs that cynics and emos jack off to. Even if said Space Vikings have an obsessive wolf fetish.

The fate of Leman Russ

Of Leman Himself, you ask? Legends state that after a great feast, He said unto his warriors:

"Listen closely Brothers, for my life's breath is all but spent. There shall come a time far from now when our Chapter itself is dying, even as I am now dying, and our foes shall gather to destroy us. Then my children, I shall listen for your call in whatever realm of death holds me, and come I shall, no matter what the laws of life and death forbid. At the end I will be there. For the final battle. For the Wolftime."

And so, Leman departed... Some say he searches for a means to revive His God-Emperor.. But despite the efforts of the Great Hunt, Leman remains beyond the reach of Man... Who knows what great feats of Heroism he undertakes....

. . . Oh, who the fuck are we kidding? Leman got lost in the Warp and became a Daemon Primarch of Khorne *BLAM* (This Commissar has been Executed for Heresy) He was, in fact, turned into a small girl). Right before he went to Warhammer Fantasy and made the Norscans. Somehow, he found his way back to the Dark Millenium, still stuck in the form of a small girl. Luckily, he has been picked up by a traveling Rogue Trader, convincing him to hitch him a ride to Fenris in return for imparting his ten millennia wisdom to help him in his business ventures.

Organization

Since they only see the Codex Astartes as a source of toilet paper (if even that), the Space Wolves have roles and titles far different from the standard Space Marine chapters:

• Great Wolf: The Chapter Master of the Space Wolves, the Great Wolf is chosen from among the Wolf Lords by virtue of having the most furry porn being the most badass of an army of space vikings. Logan Grimnar serves as the current Great Wolf.

• Wolf Lord: The Captains of a company in Codex Chapters, Wolf Lords lead their Great Companies and charge the Iron Priests with maintenance of its motor pool and the Wolf Priests with recruiting new Astartes.

• Wolf Guard: A cross between Veterans and Honour Guard, Wolf Guards serve as the body guard of the Wolf Lord and leading packs in battle. They also get Terminator armor. In Second Edition they also got to take any weapons they liked and could be built from stock parts with an Assault Cannon and Cyclone Missile Launcher. This led to many games being won as Assault Force Dickhead rampaged across the table murdering everything.

• Sergeant: The one Codex rank the Space Wolves employ. In charge of packs and training new recruits. Not anymore, apparently. Space Wolves don't dig that mainstream codex crap.

• Wolf Priest: Combining the role of Apothecary and Chaplain, the Wolf Priests do the standard roles of preaching and medical duties, but are also charged with recruiting Aspirants for their companies.

• Iron Priest: The Iron Priests serve the role of Techmarines, overseeing the motorpool and equipment of the companies they belong to.

• Rune Priest: Taking the role of Librarians in Codex Chapters, Rune Priests are the psykers of the Space Wolves. However, instead of seeing their powers as coming from the Warp, they instead consult runes as a means of divination.

• Wolf Scouts: Space Wolves who shun their pack brothers and are shunned in return preferring the company of more somber individuals, Wolf Scouts serve to scout out enemy positions and terrain.

• Lone Wolf: Space Wolves who are the last of their pack. The loss of their brethren drive them to seek a glorious death in combat at the hands of some form a fell enemy. Think of Dwarf Slayers only a few metres tall with powered armour and weapons of doom and destruction. Often only way out of the Lone Wolf lifestyle is managing to kill something that the individual shouldn't have survived killing and being elevated into the Wolf Guard

• Skyclaws: Skyclaws are the trouble makers among a Chapter of trouble makers, forced to wear Jump Packs. The Space Wolves view Jump Packs as an insult, reasoning that if the Emperor wanted them to fly, he would have given them wings. Snide comments regarding Sanguinius result in a short game of tug-o-war involving the offending battle-brother's beard.

• Thunderwolf Cavalry: Space Wolves who function in a manner similar to a Bike Squadron, but instead of actual bikes, they use Fenrisian Wolves, which can be the size of a small car...yeah, we don't get it either.

• Long Fangs: Taking the role of Devastators, Long Fangs are veterans who have grown "long in the fang". Get it? Space Wolf humor is an acquired taste.

• Grey Hunter: Having the role of Tactical Marines, Grey Hunters are those Marines who have been promoted out of the Blood Claws.

• Blood Claws: Neophyte Space Wolves who serve in the Assault Marine roles of Codex Chapters. Bear in mind Assault is the Space Wolves specialty.

Combat doctrine

"Wolf wolf wolf wolf wolfity wolf. Wolf wolf, wolfo wolfy wolf wolf wolf. Wolf? Wolf!"
—Attributed to Wolf Lord Egil Ironwolf, On the Intricacies of Tactical Warfare.

"The best way to defeat a Space Wolf is to wolf his wolf. You must be careful, though, because if the Space Wolf wolfs your wolf first, then your wolf is wolfed."
—Attributed to Wolf Rider Volk Wolfclaw, On the Weaknesses of the Space Wolf Doctrine.

Daily rituals of a Space Wolf

1300 - Wake Up from Hangover - The Space Wolves awaken from their booze/drug-induced comas and begin the day. Headaches abound. Aspirin is consumed by the ton.
1310 - Morning Piss - The Space Wolves empty the alcohol from their bladders.
1315 - Morning Piss Ends - The Space Wolves have finally finished urinating.
1330 - Ritual Intake of Alcoholic Beverages - The Space Wolf now cracks open his first cold one of the day. The first of many. Cheerios may be consumed as well.
1345 - Firing Drills - Each Space Wolf consumes another liter of alcohol before going out back and shooting empty beer bottles with his bolter.
1400 - Freeze your Gonads - Space Wolves shed their armor and most of their clothing to wander around Asaheim for an hour.
1500 - Feeding of the Land Raiders - Space Wolves observe a feast in honor of the chapter's revered battle machines. Blood Claws are still wandering around outside naked in the snow.
1530 - Boozing of the Land Raiders - No feast is complete without shittons of liquor. Ale and beer are poured and scrubbed all over the most honoured of the chapter's war machines. Many still have bullet holes, sometimes allowing beer to get into the exhaust ports and make fun explosions later. Blood Claws are still wandering around outside naked in the snow.
1600 - Wolf your Wolf - Grey Hunters and older Space Wolves take this time to play with their favorite 4-legged companions. Blood Claws are still wandering around outside naked in the snow.
1630 - Save the Blood Claws - Blood Claws are brought in from the cold. Most are frozen blue or black - and they want more.
1700 - Evening feast - Eat. Drink. Start brawls. The usual non-warzone Space Wolf thing.
1800 - Try to wake up Bjorn.
1900 - Night shitter break.
2000 - Night firing drills - Much to the Techpriests' Iron Priest's dismay, the Space Wolf has used the entire Chapter's stock of ammunition.
2100 - Ritual Intake of Narcotics and Purging of Testicles - Bitches and blow.
0500 - Daily Rest - The Space Wolf passes out.

Space Wolves in the 5th edition

These days Space Wolves have developed a slight wolf obsession. Whether they're riding wolves, naming their armor and weapons "wolf" gear, discussing wolf husbandry with the wolf priest, or removing Nurgle from play with their mighty Wolf of the Wolf Wolf power, it's clear that a geneseed mutation has caused many of the Chapter's members to turn into closet furries. As a result, any post in /tg/ about Space Wolves used to instantly elicit a dump of Space Wolf furry porn and cries of "yiff," and "wolf!" It might still today if that sort of thing didn't get people banned.

However, all the same they remain quite popular as an army. Many play them because they still enjoy the idea of space Vikings, but others play because every unit in their codex comes cheaper than standard Spess Mehreenes. Long Fangs, for example, come so much cheaper that each squad saves around forty to fifty points or so over their Devastator equivalents, which is pretty fucking sweet for them but leads to crankiness in players of the vanilla Space Marine Ultramarines codex. In all reality, the Long Fangs and Devastators are made equal; given the fact that Long Fangs only have six men in a pack, and Space Marine Devastators have four heavy weapons in a squad of ten, making it harder to kill off the heavy weapon carriers. Not really, unless you're playing a huge game. Otherwise, just use those tons of extra points to buy more heavy weapons and don't waste time packing more targets for the enemy to kill off.

Naturally, some Space Wolf players would want to insist that Space Wolves have nothing to do with furries, just as fans of Renamon might want to insist that Renamon isn't responsible for untold mountains of furry porn. However, facts are facts, and granted all the wolves fucking Marines this wikifag has seen posted on /tg/ so far, one would point out that it is pretty much /tg/ canon that the Space Wolves have kind of a problem. Nobody has to like it, but we do all have to understand that the Space Wolves have a disease which denial will not make disappear. But, on the bright side, their fixation remains solely on wolves, so at least we know there's kind of an epicenter for the illness. Alongside the Salamanders, the Space Wolves at least occasionally treat the normal people in their territory well, and stomped the high holy hell out of the Thousand Sons last time they tried to fight them. One wonders how many Thousand Sons are even left at this point.

We just checked. Only 1000 left. And I'm not making this shit up, eithe- wait, now it's 999. Guess they aren't the THOUSAND Sons, anymore.

A Quick Word Out of Character

The true reason for all this, is that, we at /tg/, in our pathetic, low reaching mastery of comedy, have seen how idiotic it is that every Goddamn Space Wolf codex unnecessarily uses the word; 'wolf' as a prefix or a suffix in every 3rd sentence. Since /tg/ is an easily angered monster, not unlike an Angry Marine, we attempt to furiously link Space Wolves to furries. As we are as fucked up as Chaos Pretty Marines.

HOPE

Matt Ward cannot corrupt the Space Wolves for alcoholic, cocaine-laced testosterone pumps through their veins! This gives them an IRL 2++ save against faggotry. And they are protected by Dan Abnett

Sadly it appears that this article rolled a 1. HERESY!! *BLAM!* ALL OF YOU!!! *BLAM!* *BLAM!* *BLAM!*

Gallery

• 

  Tis only a matter of time until Steve Blum voices 'em

• 

  Totally not overcompensating...

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  Leman Russ. About to mercilessly fuck over the Thousand Sons.

See also

• Bjorn the Fell Handed
• Tactics/Space Wolves