Ork
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
- --Da Orks, all da zoggin' time.
The Orks are a race in Warhammer 40,000. Commonly also known as "Greenskins", they're most likely the most numerous and infestive race in the entire WH40K setting, or at least at par with humans and the Tyranids. They have a Warhammer Fantasy equivalent, only major differences being fantasy Orks are now called Orruks, and have a lower level of technology, related to the setting.
Overview
- "War is the business of barbarians." - Napoleon Bonaparte
Orks could be considered ARE the most successful race of the 41st millennium. Despite their entire lack of structured education or training, they seem to be very proficient with all kinds of technology, which they inevitably utilize for their armaments (of which firearms and vehicles are the most common). This is explained away in the fluff by their origins: they were created by the Old Ones to be a warrior race called the Krork, and some of them (the Mekboyz) were genetically hard-wired to have a pre-programmed proficiency for technological engineering. Unfortunately, the Old Ones died before they could finish their little science project; specifically the psychic control mechanism. This means that such war machines simply fight everything, everywhere, all the time. In principle, Orks can loot just about anything: the minor greenskins, such as "Grotz" (goblins) can construct several working vehicles and machines out of mere scrap (They actually can't but orks believe they can so it happens see: a few paragraphs below).
The Orks derive much of their success from their reproductive process: Orks are, essentially, a psychosensitive hybrid of animal and fungi, not unlike a very complex version of a lichen. One advantage is a redundancy of vital organs, making them able to easily survive events such as head transplants and the fact that it's not easy to kill an individual Ork since they could very well survive injuries that would put a human to a crippled state. In fact there is a Valhallan folktale about a relative finding an Ork, thawing it out only for it to attempt to kill them. Another advantage is their ability to grow larger as they win more battles (due to the aforementioned psychosensitivity): an Ork who is winning a fight is enjoying himself, which causes fluctuations in the gestalt field that all Orks generate. These fluctuations supercharge the Ork's physiology, causing the Ork to gain muscle mass and evolve.
In addition, the fungal part of their physiology allows Orks to reproduce asexually en masse through underground fungal colonies that act as self-sustaining ecosystems. Reproductive spores enter the topsoil, produce fungal mycelia that assimilate base nutrients and could exchange genetic information with other mycelia, putting normal Human sexual reproduction to shame, and eventually produce lesser Orks: squigs and Grotz. The Grotz cultivate the protein-rich squigs in preparation for the emergence of the greater Orks, which take longer to develop.
Though all Orks discharge reproductive spores throughout their lives, the most significant and numerous emissions occur when an Ork is dismembered or dies. This means that, for Orks, combat and death are their principle means of reproduction and genetic exchange, and a Space Marine/Guardsman chainsawing/shooting/artillery-bombarding an ork just results in ten thousands, if not millions, of Orks coming for ya, kinda like tyranids. Nice Job chainsawing it, Space Marine. Due to this, an Ork infestation is incredibly hard to handle if kept unchecked since it won't take them long to get enough boyz to launch a full-scale WAAAGH! to overrun an entire planet and necessitate Exterminatus. We can use flamethrowers, Plasma, nukes, melta weapons or anything high-energy to eradicate any spores and fungi, saving the world from the eventual Exterminatus, but then again, efficiency ain't manly n' grimdark enough compared to good ol' spore-releasing bolters, chainswords and artillery.
Orks only have 2 popular combat doctrines: either be choppy, which involves hacking your opponent down with anything capable of busting heads and splitting bodies open, or be shooty, which involves spitting out as much bullets as possible in the general direction of your opponent any direction whatsoever, including straight up or down, the louder and the faster, the better since Orks don't really care much about accuracy, and they often toss enough lead into the air anyways that they are bound to hit something and common ork thoughts on this is quite simple: if a round hits something, obviously that must have been an enemy target. If you missed then it was clearly a friendly target.
Orks are commonly believed to be stupid and superstitious by the other races of the 40k world, quite an ironic thing to hear coming from any member of the Imperium of Man.HERESY! And they ARE stupid and superstitious, but they're also cunning and quick on the draw; orks are always ready for a fight and while you can trick them, they quite like the idea of tricking people back.
Their philosophy of RED WUNZ GO FASTA is both BS and the ultimate truth: because of the aforementioned gestalt field, Ork vehicles painted red will, ultimately, go faster than Ork vehicles that are not painted red because the Orks believe that Red makes everything go faster.DEZ UMMIE GITZ TINKZ DATZ DA RED WUN DOZN'T GOEZ FASTA? DEY DONT KNOW DAT ANYFIN PAYNTED WIF DA RED MAEKZ IT DA BEZT ANZ MAEKZ IT GOEZ FASTAAAA COZ RED IZ DA BEST! *WHAM!* NO IT AIN'T, YA BLEEDIN' SQUIG, GREEN IZ BEST! *Boots up the bog* SHUT IT 'E WAS TALKING BOUT DA TRUKKS YA GIT!
The WAAAGH! bears some note. Always written in all-caps, with at least three "As" and an exclamation point, the WAAAGH! occurs when an Ork population reaches critical mass and a dominant Warboss appears. A Warboss is an Ork Alpha who is bigger than all the other Orks and have proven his right to lead by either his sheer size or krumpin' all the other big Orks that thinks otherwise. Lesser Orks sense the presence of the Boss in the Orks' psychic field and follow him on what is often described as a combination of pub riot and holy war with a dash of genocide. The WAAAGH! accomplishes two things: it weeds out weaker Orks, keeping the species strong; and it facilitates genetic exchange and reproduction as the Orks die and release spores.
The Ork economy is based on teef, more information on which can be found here.
Ork religious beliefs also help manage their population. Orks believe in two gods, Gork and Mork. One is the god of cunning brutality and the other is the god of brutal cunning, the difference being that one hits you when you aren't looking and the other hits you harder when you are. Unfortunately, no one can decide which god is which, nor can the Orks decide which is better: cunning brutality or brutal cunning. These differences of opinion tend to lead to Gigantic Brawls, yet another method of keeping the Ork race strong, warlike and in check. Their division also keeps them perpetually divided, for it has been theorized that if the Orks were to ever unite in one big WAAAGH!, their gestalt reality-warping field might just as well turn omnipotent and crush all opposition, and even the powers of the God-Emperor may not help us all. HERESY!*THUMP* EY BOZZ, I'Z FOUNT ANUTHA WON!
Ork society is effectively the perfect society. The economy is steady, as teef rot. All disputes are settled fairly quickly and painfully (just the way they like it). Once a Boss is in place, mostly everyone falls into place, and the Orks go and get shit done. If only the Imperium were so perfec-HERESY!*THUMP* WHERE DUZ DESE UMIES KEEPS COMIN' FROM?! BOYZ, GET TA SMASHIN'!
Ork Technology
Ork technology works mainly because the Orks think it does. The official explanation is that the subconscious gestalt psychic field that all Orks generate enables their technology to function; the stronger the field, the more unlikely their technological achievements become. In older versions of the fluff, if you hand an Ork a pipe and convince him it's a gun, it WILL shoot bullets. They're like reality-warping Physical "Gods", only weakened by their stupidity and their preference to fight each other instead of uniting, hence why the Imperium still manages to survive in these dark times. In later versions, this has been toned down from "impossible" to merely "unlikely" because GW won't keep anything canon that's that badass. If Ork technology is held together by spit, duct tape, and hope, then the Orks' psychic field provides the hope.
For example: a Wartrukk with a mob of Orks in it sputters and dies. Da boyz hop out and have a look. One of da boyz examines the readouts and says to the Nob driver, "Da bloody fing is outta gas!" Said Nob hits the offending Ork in the face so hard that he falls unconscious. "Look 'ere, I'z da boss, and I sez I filled this fing up righ' before we left!" The rest of da boyz look at each other, halfway convinced. He is the biggest Ork among them, and he did just prove it. Maybe he did fill it up right before they left. That's the sort of thing one does when one's in charge. Da boyz begin to file back into the Wartrukk, and with a satisfied nod, the Nob gets in and cranks her up. Because da boyz believe that there is plenty of fuel in the truck, one drop does for ten, and the Wartrukk and da boyz arrive just in time for the next fight.
The purpose for this sort of thing is primarily to compensate for the Orks' technological disadvantage by comparison with races like the Tau, Necrons, or the Eldar. For example, a meat cleaver in the hands of an Ork can tear through the toughest ceramite armor if the Ork believes it will; for anyone BUT an Ork, a power weapon or the equivalent would be required to do so. This tends to work well for them, but not for the other races of the galaxy: Imperial observers note that Ork weapons generally will not function in the hands of a non-Ork. The only reason the Orks haven't exploited the limits of their generated gestalt field by creating easily made but devastatingly powerful weaponry that could eclipse the weapons of the other races is that they themselves do not know nor understand that they create said field, they believe that their equipment works because that's how the universe wants it to work, not because they themselves are making it work.
This said, Orky know-wots DO have a say in stuff that the Orks build. Mekboyz build much of the stuff they do because they have been genetically ingrained with the knowledge on how to make and maintain their technology. While much of their tech runs because they want to, the basis is that the Orks can actually build a conceptually working frame to get all Orky on. This explains how Orks can build such technological wonders as the Shokk Attack Gun, which propels Snotlings through the Warp and into the armor, tanks, and bodies of their enemies. Also, there have been instances of Ork tech working well in the hands of other races,( at least for a time till it blows up). Be careful though, most Ork players have very deep-set opinions on how Orky tech works, and debates between them can generate much RAGE.
Occasionally, if a "tech-caste" gets into control of an Ork society, ridiculous constructions can result. Best example we know about is the Telon Reach Empire and its central stronghold Gorro. A "scrapworld", Gorro was full of things that shouldn't have worked at all (Horus notes that individual bits of architecture inside were just too mad for any human to contemplate) and could withstand the normally planet-killing weapons on the Vengeful Spirit and Emperor's own flagship. The Orks defending it were far more advanced than most (everything from their augmententations to the accuracy of their ships' weapons) and had actually built a plasma reactor to hold their world together. Their function mostly relied on the Orks' gestalt, as the core began to fail as the Emperor, Horus and their respective posses carved through the population. Once the Emperor killed the resident Warboss and psychically burned the rest of the Orks (a preview of what he'd eventually do to Horus) the system went into total meltdown.
Special Note on Orky Vehicles
To properly describe what Ork vehicles are like is a difficult prospect, or perhaps an overlooked opportunity. Either way, few actually attempt to clarify in tangible terms what orkish vehicle-makers create.
Let's start with the venerable Trukk. Keep in mind that the standard Ork Boy is a hunched, monstrous, 7-foot-tall Hulk Hogan. Now, the Trukk is essentially an over-sized, skeletal pickup truck, with armored bus tires and a spiked ram-plate for a bumper. The frame is then covered in all manner of inch-thick armor plating, the basic standard in orkish vehicle armor. No Ork vehicle with more than two wheels has an engine smaller than a V8, and the trukk is no exception. A common brag for a trukk owner, "I'z put twelve silenderz in dis 'ere kart" (when not met with the classic "You shoulda sprung fer forteen!" comeback), is similar to a human saying he put an extra two cylinders in his car and overhauled his transmission.
Larger orkish vehicles, like the Big Trakk, often use V14 engines that any human would say belongs on a fishing trawler. Alternatively, some vehicles use turbine engines for extra torque (which is always a good thing) and a higher top speed (also a good thing), or crackling electrical engines (less popular than a good-old combustion engine, but can "accidentally" taze pesky Lootas or enemies who get too close (i.e. rammed)). Big Trakks are literally the size of a heavy tank, but are completely open-topped to provide a chassis for hauling Boyz or insanely big gunz into the fight. They have banks of fat-tired wheels or, most likely, four-plus-foot-wide treads. They have as much torque as a Battle Wagon and fear no infantry.
Orks and the Emperor
One theory of the Emprahs continued existence (despite the fact his throne is in serious need of an MOT) is the fact that the Orks BELIEVE it to be so. As any self-respecting Weirdboy will tell you, what da boyz fink will 'appen (see below), so if they think the Emperor is still alive then alive he will be. Probably cos they're not stupid enough to realise he's a corpse more fucked than a Slaaneshi cultist at Ciaphas Cain's place.. ANG ON A SECOND.. I FINK DEY MAKIN FUN OF US...WELL... NO... MAYBE WE MADE FUNNA DA STOOPID HOOMIES!
Special Groups of Orks
Apart from the regular Boyz, there are several groups of Orks who specialize in a specific task or doctrine. Called Oddboys (if they are relatively normal when fighting time rolls around) or Wyrdboys (when they shoot lighting out of their eyes, gunz or eye-gunz). The most common ones are:
Oddboyz
This category is filled with Orks who express genetic predispositions to certain tasks. Here are your Mekboys (engineers), Painboys (torturers doctors), Weirdboys (psykers), Madboyz (psychos), Slaverz (take care of grots, snotlings and slaves), Brewerz (makers of alcohol; retconned), Rockaz (musicians; also retconned), and Shoutaz (communications experts).
Kult of Speed
Speedfreaks who commonly go into the battlefield on bikes hyped up on dakka and flashy bitz, as their name suggests, they'z like goin' faster dan fast. On tabletop, they're one of, if not the best, biker unit for any codex, since they're really shooty, fairly cheap and they get a 4+ cover save by DOING A FUCKING BURNOUT by default. These guys field the classic Mobile Ork Army, which causes loads of Butthurt and Rage when people go up against them. Just look out for Lascannons.
- Flyboys - Crazed pilots that like fast vehicles, death defying stunts, and lots of dakka. The better pilots, fighta aces, are held in great esteem only by other flyboys and tend to give themselves crazy-cool nicknames.
Burna boyz
Burna boyz are similar to standard orks in ability, possessing no unique qualities except every one of them being a pyromaniac. These boys are the type who would burn their own mother alive if she tried to stop them from playing with matches. As such, they regularly burn their own comrades for the hell of it (to see them 'do da burny dance'). Their obsession with fire is of course, genetically coded, and this has a particular disadvantage during periods of time where stealth is of the essence. On a more lighthearted note, they are also quite fond of fungus cigars! JUST DUNNA ASK US FER ONE!
Mekboys
Meks are Orks who are capable of making the ramshackle yet effective weapons and vehicles the Orks use. They're primarily the ones who makes the warband's wagons, restore salvaged vehicles, and create/modify weapons. An Ork who lead bands of Mekboys is called a "Big Mek", and is a bitch to kill on tabletop if he's kitted out. Five-up cover saves for everyone! 'Ho says we aint smart 'n' such! Only fing betta den an ork is an ork wif a good bit of technorkology
Tankbustas
Many Orks enjoy the odd explosion. These guys like that so much that they decided what better way to get their kicks than to get into a nice squad of 5-15 boys and try blowing tanks sky high with their rokkits. They also train Squigs to run into tanks while strapped to the hilt with explosives. And if neither of that works, run into close-combat and strike the tank with a rokkit attached to a metal stick. They get so high off this that they will enter the broken vehicle, eat any survivors, and drink the motor oil in a ritual act known as "GETTIN' TANKED!"
Lootas
Lootas are Orks who are obsessed with pimping out their shootas by salvaging bitz from their enemies. Lootas are critically important to Orkish mechanical industry, because they head salvage operations and assist Meks where Grots can't. They're also the ones who loot wrecked tanks and vehicles after a battle to use as Looted Wagons, with the help of Mekboys, which means Orks can remobilize rapidly, and scale up to match tank-driving foes. When not fighting or looting, Lootaboyz are a menace to Orky society, stealing, swindling, making trouble, and being the reason other Boyz can't have nice things. WOT?! YOU SAYIN' DERE'S TIMES WHEN DA ORKS AIN'T FOIGHTIN' OR LOOTIN'?! DAT'S HARE-SAY!!!
Flash Gits
DA PIMPIEST ORK IZ DA BESTEST ORK!!!!!! Dat is why dey arrogant Gits. They are another group of shoota-obsessed Orks known as "Flash Gitz"; rich, obnoxious Bad Moonz gits who buy powerful weapons and upgrades using their large stockpiles of teef. They love nothing more than showing off their wealth and (supposedly associated) martial power. They do things like wearing FABOLOUS clothing, sporting huge banners declaring their awesomeness (shogun-style), and plating everything they have in gold, sliver, platinum, or any other shiny metal they have at hand. Although gold is preferred. Goldz iz da bestest.
Freebooterz
Orks who raid and pillage the galaxy as MOTHERFUCKING PIRATES. And just to add to their awesomeness, they'll usually dress and/or speak like pirates. (W)AAARG! Well-known individuals include Kaptins Badrukk and Bludflagg.
Kommandos
Orks who managed to figure out that charging a gunline isn't always the best option, so dey'z the sneakiest of da Orks. They typically paint themselves purple, which Orks believe is the sneakiest color (and because Orks are Orks, purple does in fact make them harder to see ... don't ask how the fuck that one works, it just does(Haz youz eva seen a purpul ork?)). Kommandos rely on stealth tactics rather than balls-out firepower, and achieve this by using crude camouflage techniques, Speshul Forces equipment such as NVGs, various types of grenades, and all those other gubbins that makes them all sneaky. The concept of Orks using tactics beyond drowning their enemies in corpses and bullets is so completely out there that a lot of Imperial commanders do not believe that Kommandos actually exist, but nobody laughed when a Kommando unit suddenly hi-jacked a unit of 3 Deathstrike Missile Launchers inside a Mordian regiment's lines drove 1 to the front and proceeded to launch it at the their front lines, killing thousands, including a Baneblade (Except for the Orks, who laughed their faces off as this was happening). As the Kommandos ran off with the remaining one and 2 extra missiles.
Kommandos are typically distrusted by Orks due to their chosen battle strategy. They view as sneaking about rather than getting to a fight, right and proppa as "Muckin' about". The enjoyment of the color purple among them is also considered right strange. As there aint no such thing as a purple ork!
In practice, all of this boils down to a fairly simple difference in tactics. Whereas a normal Ork Boy will see the enemy and immediately shout, run up to him, and smash him in the head, a Kommando will see the enemy, hide behind a nearby bush/barrel/lamp-post and wait for the enemy to get close like 5 feet to 2 meters, THEN shout, run up to him, and smash him in the head.
An ork asked about Kommando groups. "I dinna see anyfing... Do you?"
Feral Orks
Hidden away in GW fluff are these guys. These guys are what happens after a WAAAGH! has left your planet. They crop up in wildernesses and form tribes. They don't have technology (like shootas) or any kind of mekboys or even good resources to build junk. They are roughly on par with your Fantasy Orks, so you can just use your Fantasy army in 40k if you can fluff your army right. Not like it matters, it's the same tactic either game. They tend to have Grots, Kommandos and Weirdboys coming out of their ears, and love to ride big squigs. If you don't prune them back to the forest well enough, they might sic buttloads of squiggoths on you. Snakebites love these guys, and if space-born Orks pick them up, Feral Orks usually become Snakebites anyway.
They breed a special kind of Oddboy, the Pigdok, who is a combination of a Mek and a Dok, but excels at neither. They do surgical procedures like a stereotypical medicine man, wander around covered in robes and talismans given to them by the Weirdboy Shamans, and head the construction of things like ballistas and catapults, all the way up to magical stompy Idols and the Steam Gargant.
Weirdboyz
Weirdboyz are Orks who are active psykers. All Orks are passive psykers, emitting their gestalt field, but Weirdboyz are the only ones who can decide they're gonna blow another Ork's face off with a mean look and a lightning bolt (well, the only Orks who can decide to do it and it'll happen). They tend to be crazy and can blow up if they're not careful.
Retcons
All following Ork Oddboys have been retconned, at least by GW's word. They live on in our hearts (and custom-models) as:
Rokkas
Rogue Trader Orks with a penchant for hard rock, metal, leather armor, and overgrown hair squigs. While still technically retconned, they do seem to keep cropping up in the fluff. Also known as Goff Rokkas, these boyz tend to come out of the Goffs exclusively, but it isn't completely unknown for other Clans to spit out one of these crazy green "musicians". They play machine gun guitars and PARTY 'ARD!!! It should be noted that Rokkas were invented in the Eighties, so they don't play things like Death Metal as much as they do generic Metal, 80's Metal, electric guitar ballads, and Hard Rock.
Shoutas
These orks have over-developed lungs and super-strong vocal cords so that they can yell really loud. Yes, you heard me right. They yell across Gargant-tops and over battlefield din to act as a telecommunications array. See, not all things that were retconned were too good to last. SHUDDUP STOOPID HUMIE, WHUT DO YOU KNOW?!?!?! SHOUTAS IZ DA BEST!!!!!!!
YOU'Z CALL DAT SHOUTIN'? YOU'Z AIN'T A REEL SHOUTA, YA GIT!
A REAL SHOUTA DROWNS OUT DA COMPUTISHUN!
I Konkur!
WAAAGH!
Anyone caught messing with this section again will get their shit handed to them. Do you know how fucking hard it is to make sure this shit is right? I can't do this AND dodge those fucking Orks. I'm a janitor, not a FUCKING NINJA!
See, iffin' you'z had sum of dat purpley paint, dis wouldn' be a problem now, would it?
Uh.... Dis isn't da huma-humie you'z lookins..for?
Invest in a stealth suit, sign up for auxiliaries and join the Greater Good today! KRUMP! Sod it ya grot. ORKZ IZ DA BIGGEST EN' DA STRONGEST
Brewerz
Again, not technically retconned, but never mentioned after about 3rd Edition. Brewerz, or Brewer Boyz function much like Mekboys or Mad Doks do, knowing the ins and outs of brewing through genetically inherited intuition. They make alcohol out of squigs. Now I think the Grots do that, but I can't be sure. Made everything from beers to malts to meads to liquors to scotches. Yes, certain squigs can be made into scotch. No, you may not question this. SQUIGGIE WALKER - RED LABEL! COS IT ZOGZ YOU IN DA BRAIN FASTA!
HERESY, ORK HERESY, ANY IMPERIAL CITIZENS WILL BE MURDERED ON SIGHT AFTER READING THIS.
Female Orks
Vaguely referenced in older fluff and glimpsed during Blood Bowl, sacrificed because nobody wants to see those canonized saggy Ork tits (Except /d/), and fucking whores (and ye mum). Suffice to say, some drawfags will still draw them and several on /tg/ will doubtlessly fap to it. Considering how many random mutations are seen amongst the Orks, the possibility is more likely than you'd think. In normal canon, Orks are asexual, popping out of fungal growths in the ground...
...but in the older fluff, when the Orks were basically Fantasy Orcs in space, there were female orks. Later fluff retconned this, so that in later parts of their life cycle Orks would temporarily develop sexual characteristics and go bang one another. For the sake of Games Workshop's writers' self-respect, this too was also retconned. And all but the drawfags are happy for that. All in all though, the idea of female orks or goblinoids of any sort is much more readily accepted across most genres involving greenskins of any sort, so the decision may more likely have been to make the Orks dependent on getting blown up to repopulate along with being hardlined for blockbuster style war (though, as with all evolution, this is mutable to change, as there are Orks like the Blood Axes who understand ideas like trading with da' humies', peace, and using functional armor and weapons that don't stop working just because da' mob' believes dey are useless. SEE, HUMIES ARE GUD' F'R SOME FINGS BUT NOT EVERY FING!).
Brain Boyz
Brain Boyz is how the Orks call the Old Ones. The retcon is that the Orks' origin has shifted around a few times, such as the Brain Boyz being the ancestors of the Snotlings (although the Orks still believe that, but it's no longer the official explanation it was in Rogue Trader).
Ork Clanz
Oi, listen up ya gits. Dere's six diverant majah clanz of Ork, and dey's all right 'ard.
- Dere's da Snakebites, and dey'z a buncha fundie gits what won't use any teknowlogy more complicated den a choppa an' warpaint. Anytime dere's a world dat a WAAAAAGH smashed up, it gets full o' fundie boyz. When we pick em up, dey run off ta da Snakebites anyway instead o' learnin how ta fight propa. But dey got squiggoths, an' every WAAAAGH needs really big killy tings.
- Da Bad Moonz, what gotz lotsa teef 'cause dey grow faster den any other orks, so dey'z a buncha rich gits. 'at meanz dat dey's got da best squig and dakka, but since dey'z such lazy gits, dey's no good at choppin' an' stompin', so other orks can always just find a Bad Moon and stomp his teef out.
- Goffs are a buncha gloomy gits what don't ever have any fun and don't give a grot's toss about dakka, but dey'z somma da 'ardest of all da orks. Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka himself wuz a Goff. Dats why he's so big, 'ard an mean.
- Da Evil Sunz're all part a da Kult a Speed, and dey've got da most Meks, so dey're always muckin' about with teknowlogical equipment an speedy karts.
-
Blud RayvunsDeffskullz are a buncha teevin', lootin' gits what'll grab anyfingwhat's not nailedif it's nailed down they'll loot the nails den loot da fing that was nailed down an' make it orky. Anyfing. Even in da middle of a scrap. Da mekz loves em, though, cuz nobody'z got more bitz and gubbinz than a Deffskull Loota. Deffskullz all seemz ta have some kinda technikal know-wotz, dough. - And, last of all but not least, dere's da Blood Axez. Dey're da ones what've been hangin' around da stinkin' humies fer ages too long, and gone and developed all sorts a un-orky tings like taktiks an' recownasense an' camo'flage an worse of all da magikal and feared cry of retreat Dey've even got a sayin' bout it: "If we runs for it, it don't count as losing, cuz we can also come back for anuvver go, see?" Dey'z mocked as cowardly gits by most of da boyz, but cause dey be dead cunning dey'z da main source of da best warbosses in WAAAAAAAGH! time (Next ta Da Prophet him self). An' its alwayz WAAAAAAAGH! time, ya git!
Ork Daily Life
Morning. GET UP! Doesn't matter when . But usually in the mid morning, -unless a nob kicks him in the face cause he is late for something, which he usually is. Next eat. Either the breakfast his pet grot brings him or the grot its self. Orks dont much care it all tastes the same dipped in mud and fried on a stick chased with some fungus beer. Hit the drops. Yes the communal act of using the local bog. Literally. He might get a scar on his duff to show off if the Squigs are feisty that morning. Then swagger about and try to find new things to kill. Or new ways to kill things. This lasts till about noon.
Noon
LUNCH! Fungus rums and beers. Squig pies and mushroom fries. Plenty of fights break out at lunch usually from a loota stealing another Orks 'sweet-squig' dessert. Or some nob mouths off when drunk. Either way LUNCH! Next nap time/ wrekreation. Most Orks having spent a very busy day trying to think up new ways to kill or new things to kill will take a nap. Usually the average rank and file lad who has nothing better to do. It is around now that the more specialized Orkoids shall gather in their respective mobs and set about spending afternoon and early evening doing what they do best. Be it practicing blowing crap up if tankbustaz. Racing around the camp as speed freaks. Helping the meks if lootas or burnas. Hiding in plain sight if kommand- Move along, nofink to see 'ere.
Evening
WORK TIME! The boss or local big mek or Warp'ead bullies most every one around the camp center and gets up on his WAAAGH!!! Banner-tower and starts to bark out orders on what they will attack that night, or where they will hit to steal material to build his next projekt, or give a flashy psycho-pyrotectic light show during a prophetic chant. (though sometimes if no one got up till half past 5 they plan it during the early morning.) Depending on the Clan majority this can be as simple as "Smash dis!" (A goff) to "Ok Dis team needs ta be 'ere right when da rockets hit Or we wont-" (Yeah Blood axes dont know when to shut up) *THUMP* Friggen ZOGGIN' 'Umiez.
Midnight DA ORKING HOUR! Do what was stated in the evening until they get tired and go home to bed. It don't count as failing cause they will try again tomorrow. Or pull it off and party all night (to the dismay of the defeated) until they pass out.
Even the Daily Life of the Ork is a miniature WAAAGH!!!
Reasons it Rokks to be an Ork
- We'z gotz a shiney new 7th ork-dition Codex-fingy!
- We'z da biggest an' da strongest.
- We'z made fer fightin' an' winnin'.
- We'z got more boyz dan anyone else.
(or at least on par with the Tyranids).*THUMP* SHADDAP YOUZ!! WEZ GOTS MOAH BOYZ DAN DEM STOOPID BUG FINGS!!!! Besides We can take da teef to use for barter! - All an ork eva wantz to do fo'eva iz to keep fightin', winnin', an' lootin'.
- We'z already know everythin' wotz wort' learnin'.
- We'z da second least grimdark race in da galaxy. (First place goes to the Tau) BUT DA BEZT GREENDARK hur hur hur!
- Da painboyz can fix ya up right'n proppa, even if yer bloody 'ead'z chopped off.
- We'z got da shiniest bitz, or we'z 'bout to krump da git dat does.
- The longa ya fite, the bigga and stronga ya get.
- Teef's legal tenda. Punchin' sum git in da face getz youz a day'z meal.
- If da mekboy can finks it, he can build it.
- An' if he sayz it workz, he's roight.
(probably).SHUT YE BLUDDY MOUFF BEFER OI REEMOOV IT YE GIT! YOUZ DINNA NUFFIN' 'BOUT HOW US ORKZ'Z TECKNOWLIGEE WURKZ! DIS IS JEST ABOUT DA WORS' BLUDDY 'UMIE INFERSTAY - INFESTA - ANYWAYZ, DERE'Z ROIGHT TOO MANY 'UMIEZ 'ROUND DEZE PARTZ!!!! - We'z da orkz an' dey iz not.
- Dem 'umiez and marine boyz screamin' "FER DA EMPRER", an dem spikey boys yellin' "BLOOD FO' DA BLOOD GOD!" is nofin' kompared to "WAAAAAAAAAGH!"
- Da red wunz will alwayz go fasta.
- Purple iz da sneekiest colah.
- Yello' iz da 'splodiest colah.
- Blu iz da lukiest colah.
- Green iz da orkiest colah.
- I haz a hole in me chest an' a choppa stuck to me leg? Didn' notice it while I wuz krumpin dem spiky boyz.
- Unlike dem 'umiez, greyskins, an' panzees, anyone can be a warboss usin' nofin' more den a choppa an' a litl bit o' dakka.
- Even if all da boyz get krump'd, we'z still win. Da only way da gits can zog us off is by dakkain' da 'ole bludy planet.
- You'z can trade in yer dakka fer moah choppa, or vice versah, and you iz still Orky enuff.
You haven't had a new codex since 4th edition. And it's still dead 'ard.We'z got wun o' dem new kodekz thingy boyz! And now we'z 'ardah an' killiah den evah!- You'z kan build an army of serial bawkses an' duk' tape an' maybe a bit o' spikez an' bitz and still look reel smart an' orky.
- Rolling a double six with Shokk Attack Gun.
- Some Git shootz 90% of Your squad, but the Nob smackz one boy on the 'ead and everybody iz doing good.
- You'z kan talk legally like a retard.
- Giving da boyz a frying pan on the 'ead and a fender on the shoulda makes dem 'arder.
- Putting dem in a fridge makez dem mega'ard.
- You'z kan use every armiez gunz, but none kan use Yourz.
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WhenIF you die you get proppa afterlife wiz lotta fighnin' an' booze, instead of being raped by laffin' daemons for eternity. - You WILL die of laffin' if You play orkz.
- Lastly, an' most importantly, da mane reezun it rokkz ta be an Ork iz dis:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reasons it sucks to be an Ork
- You're the one species that is actually as stupid as humanity.
HERESY!*THUMP* LOK BOSS I GOT MEH WUN UH DEM UMIES!!!! - Your war cry WAAAAAAAAAAAGH is overused by everyone. LIEK IF "FOR DA EMPRAH!!!" IZN'T OVERUZZED AZ 'ELL
- No matter how hard you try, you will never achieve enough dakka and if you did it'd end up destroying you too. TRAGGADY, DAT IS!
- Your sole purpose in stories is to distract the Space Marines and the Imperial Guard from more dangerous threats like Chaos, the Tyranids, or the Necrons. BUT WE'Z GET TA HAVE A REAL GREAT FIGHT WHILEZ BEIN' A DISTRAKSHUN. SO IT'Z STILL ALL GOOD.
- Your army falls apart at the seams the minute your Warboss dies. NAH, WE'S JUST GOT TA FIGURA' OUT WHUZ IN CHARGE NEXT, DAN WE COMES BACK AROUND TA FUMP EM AGAIN!
Hiss! By that time we've NOMNOMNOMNOM'D on you*CRUNCH* ANUDDA 'EAD FER ME POINTY STIKK! - Anytime you use anything, from your smallest pistol to your largest space ship, you have the same chances of surviving its use as a grot snuggling an overcharged standard issue Imperial Plasma Gun. Offset by the fact you can survive 4th degree burns, decapitation, being septic, and acquiring space tetanus.
- In Second Ed there was an alarming risk that your entire army might die before the battle actually started because almost no Ork units had sealed armour.
- You have a mushroom and two spore pods dangling between your legs, and Kroot find it a delicacy.
GOOD MEAT BAKKAWW!*THUMP* I DUNNO WUT DIS DUN SAID BUT IT URT ME EYES SO I KRUMPED IT!!!! - You're part of Squad broken.
You haven't had a new codex since 4th edition. And it's starting to show.SHUT IT YA GIT, WE'ZE DA ORKS AND YOU'Z A BUNCH O PANSY GITS! B'SIDES, WE IZ GOING TA GET NEW CODEX DIS 6TH ED! OI BOSS WEZ GOT A SEVENF EDISHUN CODEX BEFOR THE PANSY GITS DID! We'z gotz a shiney new 7th ork-dition Codex-fingy!There is a slight chance that Mattard is going to write 6th edition codex. If so, in the next codex you'll read something like this: "The Orks insatiable thirst for violence is, really, just a way of coping with the angst they feel that no matter what they do, they will never be Ultramarines."WHO KEEPS LETTIN' DEZ' HUMIES IN 'ERE! WE'Z BLOODY INFESTED! GET DA BURNAZ! (Also Mattard is apparently too busy with pestering Forge world for more Space marine resin collections to be converted into plastic for the main product line to be bothered with our humble bumbling green skins.) Tipakill 'umie bee'ayevyohr dat iz. Alwayz ignorin' da orky fingz in loif an' only payin' attentchuhn to zoggin' 'umie fingz. Downroight shaymfol dat iz. Da onlee REEL orky 'umie dere iz iz dat Kaptuhn Yarik; Gork - or eh, iz it Mork? - bless 'iz 'eart. (Trust us greenskin, Matt Ward ignoring you is a good thing.)- Orks do not draw psychic power from the Warp, but still take Perils of the Warp. DEM WEIRDBOY GITZ JUST ORK'D TOO 'ARD!
- 'f dere ain't any Stormboyz, yer army k'n get krumped by da Blu Gitz real easy like. No not DEM blue gits The udda ones wif da nice dakka and puny stompas.
- Even doh dere is wun humie dat foights good and ard and iz real ded killy, ee iz da greatest enemy ov da Orkz.
You probably dont have a penis.You can piss on Space Marines, only to die a short while later. IZ DAT BAD FING? OOMIEZ SAYZ DAT IT VERY HURTZ WHEN WE 'IT EM IN IT- Yanks who don't understand what you're parodying won't stop turning you into crappy memes or pronouncing your war cry as 'warg'. (Oh, we get it. We have footballers too. Ours are just too fat to punch each other out on a regular basis.)
See Also
- Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka
- Warboss Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unter
- Ork Trek
- Deffboss
- WAAAGH
- "Da Tragedy of Hamlet, boss of Denmark" by Shake-da-boss-pole
- Makbeff
- Tactics/Orks
- Dreadnought List
- Ork Gunz
- Deff Skwadron
- Scraplootas
- Da Chopshop
- Orkupy Waaghstreet
- Grot
- Snotling
- Stompa
Gallery
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WAAAAGH flowchart
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WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
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WOT'Z DAT
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ORKZ IZ DA ROKKINEST
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DA PAINBOSS IZ GONNA WANT TA LOOK AT DIS WOTEVA IT IS
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Orks are the best at disguises
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Stoopid beakies
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Weeabork
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A different sort of Weeabork
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The truest of Weeaborks
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The assassination of warboss Lincoln.
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Gork and Mork
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WE'Z AMUZED BY ENTIRE PUNY 'UMIE IMPERIUM
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PompadOrk
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EY YOU GITZ WE 'EARD YOU LIKE TA MAKE IT ORKY SO WE ORKYFIED YER ORKY SQUIGOFF SO YOU'Z CAN WAAAGH WHILE YOO'Z WAAAGHIN'
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Jet Grind RadiOrk
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'OO DA 'ELL DO YA FINK WE IS?!!!
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IT'Z TIME FER SUM IKSPERIMINTS
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No reason we can't be civil
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SIANTZ. It works.
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Oldboyz can Waaagh! too. They just need a nap afterwords.
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SlowpOrk
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Inaccurate (but in-universe) depiction of orky gubbinz.
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Orkspekta Gubbinz iz on da case!
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Jeremy Irons is orky, right?COURZE 'E IZ! E'Z ZO ORKY YOU'Z CAN'T LISTEN TA DA ORIGINAL SONG WIWOUT 'EARING DIS! -
Supagreen
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Deff Skwadron. Zoggin' bootiful.
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Transform and WAAAGH! (Holyshit this thing actually transforms.)
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Essentially....this is the best thing ever.
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Love Can WAAAGH!
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Eldarz iz da most orky race evar, ya gitz!
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An alternate explanation of how a WAAAGH works.
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Brutally cunning or cunningly brutal?
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Only Orks are capable of making something utterly godawful into something completely Orky.
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Orks, mastaz uf stelff en
