Barnabas Goodfellow

Barnabas Goodfellow
Discovered (world)	Goodland
Discovered (period)	840.M30
Legion	Infinity Destroyers
Heraldry/Sigil
Unique Weapon	The Facemangler
Distinguishing Traits	Cool, Radical, Brilliant
Flaws	A bit of a dick
Role	Loyal
Dominion	Goodia

This article or section has been selected for Exterminatus by the Ordo Editant. The Emperor Corrects.

"I wish I could be as cool as old Bernie. Unfortunately, only Bernie could be as cool as Bernie. Nobody who wasn't Bernie could ever come close to the radical levels of coolness that Bernie exuded like some kind of a damn sun that's fuelled by platinum wristwatches and sportcars instead of boring old helium."

-Gaspard Lumey, private correspondence.

Barnabas Goodfellow, known as The Rad Lad following the Battle of Goodland, is the Primarch of the Infinity Destroyers. An accomplished warlord and diplomat who ruled his own empire before rediscovery by the Emperor, Goodfellow was unique among his brother Primarchs in that he saw himself as not only a warrior but also a radical dude. In addition to his leadership of the largest and most successful Space Marine Legion during the Great Crusade, Goodfellow became renowned for his large dick, becoming Lord Pimp of the Imperium. Among his most noteworthy achievements is the authoring of the dating manual for Space Marines and the creation of the modern Imperial military structure.

History

Youth

Like the other Primarchs, Barnabas Goodfellow was one of twenty genetically engineered "sons" of the Emperor of Mankind. Like his "brothers," Barnabas was taken as an infant by the powers of Chaos, and removed to a far-flung world in an effort to prevent the coming Age of the Imperium. The infant Goodfellow's capsule fell to earth on Goodland, where it was discovered by a group of noblemen hunting in the forest. Inside the capsule they found a child, surrounded by a glowing aura. He was taken back to Bob, one of the two Consuls who governed Goodland, who adopted the infant as his son and named him Barnabas. Barnabas's arrival on Goodland was a portentous time, and many reported strange sights. Most notably, Bob dreamed of a bunch of hot babes in bikinis, and found himself in a pool full of champagne and rose petals. Upon awakening, Bob assembled his bodyguard and went to the pool, where they found the child. The name Bob gave the child, Barnabas, means "Too Rad 4 Sad". Goodfellow would also be raised by Bob's Seneschal, Arghburglemurlgeus, a strong-willed and capable centaur.

Barnabas was a prodigy, growing fast in both body and dick size. By age ten, he had mastered every subject the wisest men of Goodland could teach him, and his insights into matters of history, philosophy, and fashion often stunned his elders. However, his greatest talents were as a military leader. These talents led his father to give him command of an expeditionary force to Crapland, a mountainous region in the far north of Goodland, whose stoned inhabitants had annoyed the civilized regions for years and successfully resisted every previous military campaign. Not only did barnabas fight a brilliant campaign but he also earned the respect of the stoners who never again annoyed the more civilised parts of Goodland. However, on his return to the capital Barnabas found the city in chaos, as his father's co-Consul, Evileticus, had attempted a coup. Evileticus led a faction of Goodland's nobility who were used to enjoying their wealth and position at the expense of armies of slaves, and resented Bob's legislation favoring the common people, among whom he was immensely popular.

Approaching the city, Barnabas and his soldiers saw the city in chaos, being sacked by mobs of Evileticus's men, while the Consul House was under siege. Barnabas left his men to restore order to the city, while he rushed to the Consul House and lifted the siege, only to find his father close to death, surrounded by his loyal bodyguards. He had been mortally wounded by an assassin in Evileticus's employ, and with his dying breath, told Barnabas who was responsible. Barnabas swiftly crushed the rebellion and, amid a wave of popular relief, assumed the title of sole Consul of Goodland. He set about punishing the treachery and carrying out his father's vision. Evileticus and his co-conspirators were executed, and their lands and wealth were redistributed to the people. With superhuman energy, Barnabas reorganized Googland's entire social structure, creating a meritocracy where office and honours were given to the hard-working, rather than the wealthy and influential. Under his leadership, Goodland prospered as it never had before.

The Arrival of the Emperor

While Barnabas was prosecuting his war against the Craplandic rebels, the Emperor of Mankind and his armies had reached the neighboring planet of El Matador. It was there that the Emperor heard stories of the extraordinary son of Consul Bob, and realized that he had found one of the lost Primarchs. However, due to an unexpected warp storm, his ship was thrown far off course and by the time it reached Goodland, Barnabas had been ruling for almost five years. When the Emperor reached Goodland, he found a world that was self sufficient, prosperous, with a strong and well-equipped military, and engaging in trade with nearby systems. Impressed, the Emperor assigned command of the Infinity Warriors Space Marine Legion to Goodfellow, and relocated the Legion's forward base to Goodland.

The Great Crusade

With the exception of the Heralds of Hektor, no Legion conquered as many worlds, or conquered worlds as fast, or left conquered worlds in such good state during the Great Crusade, as the Infinity Destroyers. Whenever Goodfellow liberated a world, he would not move on until he had set up a self-sufficient defense system, and left advisors behind to write radical music, set up clubs, and form a government whose first concern would always be the coolness of the planet.

At the same time, with the help of his new advisors, Goodfellow created a supremely efficient military machine on Goodland and its surrounding worlds, that provided the Infinity Destroyers with a steady flow of new recruits. This factor, combined with the minimal casualties suffered thanks to Goodfellow's tactical skill, allowed the Infinity Destroyers to become the largest of all the Space Marine Legions. When Hektor was appointed Warmaster by the Emperor, the reaction among the other Primarchs was mixed. Some supported the appointment out of affection for Horus, some opposed it, and some were cynically accepting. However, Goodfellow, Roman Albrecht, and Cromwald Walgrun supported the appointment, believing in their cool, rational judgment, that Hektor was really the most worthy of them. For this reason, and because of their military genius, Hektpr valued Goodfellow and Roman as his closest advisors.

Privately, Goodfellow held four of his brothers in the greatest esteem: Roman, Brennus, Onyx the Indestructible, and Johannes Vrach. He referred to them as "the radical few", and pronounced that he could win any war, outright, if he had any one of those four and his Legion at the Infinity Destroyers' side. Conversely, relations between Goodfellow and Inferox became miserable after the Emperor had the Infinity Destroyers destroy his kebab shop and be present during the shaming of the Sons of Fire. While Goodfellow carried out these orders to the letter and appeared to be firmly supportive of the Emperor in front of Inferox, in truth he was uncomfortable with his actions and upset that the Emperor used his legion as a tool for humiliation that drove a wedge between the Infinity Destroyers and Sons of Fire.

The Hektor Heresy

At the outbreak of the Hektor Heresy, Goodfellow and the Infinity Destroyers were tricked by Hektor Cincinnatus, who sent them to the Boogerian system while Hektor carried out his treasonous plot. When the treachery was revealed, the Infinity Destroyers were poorly placed to react to it.

While the Infinity Destroyers mustered their forces at Goodland, in Goodia, they were attacked by the Sons of Fire and the Legion took heavy losses. However, the Sons of Fire had overlooked two major points: the unbreakable fighting spirit of the Infinity Destroyers, and the brilliance of Goodfellow's command. An attempt by Inferox to assassinate Goodfellow with a Daemon who attacked the bridge of his flagship, forcing Goodfellow to be sucked into space and fight several Sons of Fire without a helmet. Goodfellow was eventually able to reboard his ship, and promised to hunt down and bitchslap Inferox for the betrayal. At the climax of the battle Goodfellow ripped out one of the two hearts of Abdullah Jaffar-al-Khamenei, the Sons of Fire commander at Goodland, after he had tried to tempt Goodfellow to join the Forces of Chaos.

Meanwhile Camaxtli of the Crimson Teeth and Inferox of the Sons of Fire had launched the Evil Crusade on isolated worlds in Goodia. Their plan was to destroy as much of Goodia as they could while the Infinity Destroyers were occupied on Godland. After the victory at Goodland, Goodfellow, presumably under the guidance of his newly reinstated Librarians, traveled to an isolated Warp jump point on the outer fringes of Goodia. There he encountered Onyx of the Stone Men who has just recently finished his war in the Sinus cluster. The Navigators of the Stone Men had been ordered to find the closest stable Warp zone, which many assumed would be Terra. Instead fate brought them to Goodia. With the addition of the Stone Men to his forces, Goodfellow pronounced they could finally begin countering the Shadow Crusade. After Goodland, Goodfellow pursued Inferox, who had since allied with Camaxtli, to the world of Mickia. There, the Infinity Destroyers engaged both the Sons of Fire and Crimson Teeth while Goodfellow himself battled Inferox, finding the once-lamer Sons of Fire Primarch to be surprisingly cool in combat. The situation for Goodfellow got worse when Camaxtli arrived, battering Goodfellow with a furious assault and eventually defeating the Lord of Goodland. However as Camaxtli was about to land the final blow, Infinity Destroyers were able to arrive and safely retrieve their Primarch.

As a result of being cut off by the Magmastorm created by the traitorous Sons of Fire, Goodfellow feared the Imperium lost and created a second empire, Imperium Secundus, as a contingency. Not wanting to appear vain and power-hungry like his brother Hektor, Goodfellow refused to declare himself Emperor of Imperium Secundus, instead initially trying to convince Arelex Orannis to take the position despite being distrustful of the War Scribes Primarch's motives. While organizing the creation of Imperium Secundus Goodfellow survived an assassin attempt by an Iron Rangers squad disguised as Brad "The Bad" Crimsonson and other Infinity Destroyers. Later when Uriel Starikov was let loose upon Goodia, Goodfellow and Orannis battled the Children of Astarot Primarch together but were led into a trap. Instead of being cornered, Starikov detonated charges and brought the entire structure down upon their heads. Goodfellow and Orannis survived thanks to Chuck Dudeman activating a teleport that teleported the duo to a nightclub. Orannis and Goodfellow then made their way back to Goodland, where the Stone Men had now arrived. Goodfellow decided to name the reluctant Onyx the Regent of Imperium Secundus.

Ultimately, Goodfellow was able to set course for Holy Terra. Travelling at maximum speed, his Legion was only hours away along with several other Legions. This ultimately decided the Imperium's fate when Hektor was forced to gamble by letting the Emperor teleport onto his Battle Barge..

After the Heresy

In the aftermath of the Great Betrayal, the Emperor had been incapacitated, and the Space Marines' numbers had been decimated by defections to Chaos and battle losses. The Infinity Destroyers were left as the largest loyal legion, and Goodfellow assumed the title of Lord Pimp of the Imperium. For years thereafter, Goodfellow deployed and led the Infinity Destroyers throughout the galaxy, reclaiming worlds lost to Chaos and preventing the loss of still others to rebellion or invasion from outside the Imperium.

Goodfellow led the assault against the Eternal Zealots in the aftermath of the Heresy, and due to the vanity of Aubrey The Grey, he utilised a surprise attack at the heart of the traitors and almost killed Aubrey in a duel. However, he and the Infinity Destroyers were greatly mistaken in their belief that the snake would die without the head, as indeed, the Eternal Zealots' symbol is a snake, a stubborn little asshole of the jungle. The Infinity Destroyers were soundly pushed back time and again by the traitor marines, undaunted at the near-loss of their Primarch. Goodfellow eventually said "Fuck this shit, I'm going to space" and bombarded the planet from above.

Later, in a battle against the Lions Rampant, Goodfellow would meet his end. Where Aubrey was essentially unchanged from his original Primarch form, Cromwald had been to the Eye of Terror, reaping the terrible powers therein, and had been elevated by Slaanesh to a mighty and fell Daemon Prince, no longer resembling a man, but his original purity of form corrupted and augmented by the ruinous powers. Cromwald was now a monstrous hybrid of a man and a hotrod, and had a rocket launcher for a dick. Each limb carried a poisoned chainsaw, and in the clash he stabbed Goodfellow in the neck; Goofdellow was interred in the Stasis field by the Apothecaries, and remains frozen in the instant of death, while Cromwald escaped back to the Eye of Terror.

Currently, his mortal body remains in stasis, on the Shrine of Goodfellow deep within the Temple of Badassery, one of the coolest places in the entire Imperium. Some pilgrims claim that the Primarch's wounds are slowly recovering, a feat credited to the power of the Emperor. Others deny the phenomenon, and point out the sheer impossibility of change within the stasis field. Yet enough believe the stories to come and witness for themselves the miracle of the Primarch.

Description and Abilities

"He is handsome, like a hot sun; you could even say, like a ho-sun. He is handsome the way a pimp on a monster truck is handsome, like a diamond-encrusted cane is handsome. He is not handsome like a poof, the way the Voidwatcher is. He is not a dreadnought, like Golgothos... There is a badass line to his jaw, like his good brother Alexandri. They share a nobility. There is the great strength of Onyx and the vitality of Johannes Vrach. There is, sometimes, the rogue glint of Aubrey the Grey in his eyes, or the solemnity of Shakya Vardhana. In the architecture of his nose and brow there is, many claim, the energy and triumph of Hektor Cincinnatus. There is none of the bitterness that shadows Gaspard Lumey, or the persecuted despair that haunts poor Uriel Starikov. There is never any of the deliberate mystery that obscures Rogerius Merrill or Roman Albrecht and he is more open than that buried soul Brennus... He never displays the pitch of fury found in Inferox, nor do his eyes ever ignite with the psychotic gleam of Camaxtli..."

Wargear

It is known that at the height of his power during the Horus Heresy, Goodfellow was armed with the Facemangler - a mighty power gauntlet that with Goodfellow's strength could mangle even a Titan's face, the Ur-Shank - a blade of exceptional craftsmanship and a symbol of his Legion and also - with an Arbitrator, a customised combi-bolter. For protection, Goodfellow wore a suit of Power Armour known as the Armour of Badass.