Crab Truckers

Crab Truckers is a 1-page RPG. Don't take it too seriously.

Big Mutherfuckin' Crab Truckers

by Myles and Malebox

OK, Here's the fuckin' deal

Big Mutherfukin' Crab Truckers is a role-playing game about big motherfucking crabs. Or crab-people. Some shit like that. Anyway, they're real fuckin' big. We're talking as big as a big mutherfuckin' trucker, maybe 300 lbs, but square, with beady fuckin' eyes, 8 legs and a pair of pincers as heavy as a bag of fuckin' plutonium clawhammmers. Yeah, that fuckin' big.

And they truck. Yeah, they drive shit across the desert to please their Mutherfuckin' Crab Goddess. And they truck in heavy, chromed trucks with lots of fuckin' wheels, rasping engines and big ol' cabs. The sorts of cabs that could fit a 300 lbs, square, heavy set, big mutherfuckin' crab in it. And they are the shit.

So, why do they do it? It's in their fuckin' nature. When you're a big fuckin' crab, drivin' a truck all day, you get a lot of time to turn things over in your mind. And listen to religious radio too. And it gets you thinkin' about where you fit in on the great wheel of life. And then you get religion. And to a big mutherfuckin' crab, religion don't get much higher than the Mutherfuckin' Crab Goddess who resides on that wonderously beautiful and most sacred place: Crab Mountain. And what she says, goes. Word.

And if that's 3000 wedding dresses to a city you ain't never heard of, by tomorrow night? Then that's what it fuckin' is. And you will truck it there, and you will like it, and you will pull an all-day and all-night ride to fuckin' do it. You will fight off the rabid fuckin' cut-throats, thieves, cops and all-other-manner-of-dipshit crazies that line the road. Because those wedding dresses, or whatever the fuck it is that the Crab Goddess said had to get there, got to get there. It's their destiny. And you're a big mutherfuckin' destiny maker, wrapped up in the body of a 300 lbs mutherfuckin' crab.

Safety Off, Here's The Fuckin' System

Big Mutherfuckin Crab Truckers uses fuckin' d8s. There's one fuckin' simple reason for this: Myles wants it that way. He says that the Mutherfuckin' Crab Goddess told him it had to be a d8. And you don't fuck with something that the Mutherfuckin' Crab Goddess tells you, y'know? And Myles fuckin' ain't fuckin'.

So get some fuckin' d8s, you're gonna fuckin' need them.

There are a whole bunch of roles that the truckers need to do to get their shit done. So everyone playing Big Mutherfuckin' Crab Truckers gets to pick one of these things. And they fuckin' do it. Then y'all work together to truck the shit despite all the trouble that comes your way. That's the way it's always been for as long as the Big Mutherfuckin' Crab Truckers can remember.

• Driver. You are the fuckin' driver. You take pride in your drivin' and can pull most any crazy shit with your truck. Your job is to keep the wheels moving and get the truck to its destination. You get Drive! and three other fuckin' traits.
• Fighter. You are one mean angry Crab Mutherfucker for sure. You have a surly demeanor and a shell full o' weapons. Your job is to protect the other truckers and lay the fuckin' shit down. Respect. You get Fight! and three other fuckin' traits.
• Lifter. You are responsible for liftin' the shit and pickin' it up when it falls out the truck. You have strength that is obscene even for a big crab and you can flip the truck over at a push. You get Lift! and three other fuckin' traits.
• Something Else. Make some shit up for you crab, or crab-man. Whatever. You get four fuckin' traits.

So how do you contest shit in Big Mutherfuckin' Crab Truckers? Good fuckin' question, junior. Here's fuckin' how:

When you are describing what your fuckin' Crab is doing, and someone says 'No fuckin way!' then you both roll the dice to see who is fuckin' right. Highest wins. The default roll is 2d8, added together to give a score between 2, fuckin' awful, and 16, fuckin' sweet. If you got a trait (like Drive! Fight! Strong! Sneaky! etc) that is fuckin' relevant, you get to roll an extra bonus die for it, and pick the two highest dice to add together.

When there are things to complicate matters they first of all cancel out any bonus dice on a one-for-one basis. So, if there was a lotta smoke making visibility poor it would first of all cancel out a bonus die for rolls to drive the truck. And if the road was slick with oil then that would cancel out another fuckin' bonus die. If there are no more bonus dice to cancel out, add a 'penalty' die with your 2d8 and pick the lowest two to add together.

The GM just rolls 2 fuckin' dice every time. That's the rules. So if the GM says 'No fuckin' way' to something, they roll 2d8. No bonuses or penalties apply to the GM's dice. That's fuckin' it.

Some musical accompaniment

• for the trucks
• for the crabs

Tennis Spiders RPG

Made by Kumo

Tennis Spiders is a game that has you play as Spiders who may or may not play tennis.

Game Mechanics

Tennis Spiders uses d8s. Spiders have 8 legs so it makes sense.

There are some roles that the Tennis Spiders can do. So everyone playing Tennis Spiders gets to pick one of these things. The spiders then can go on adventures from wimbledon to gang warfare.

• Player. You are a tennis player. You have great skill on the court and can pull many techniques with a racket and ball. Your skill can take you places but only if you have the will. You get Play! and three other traits.
• Fighter. You are a tough spider. You have a strong body and mind with experience. Your power can bring fame or infamy to you. You get Fight! and three other traits.
• Jumper. You are capable for jumping great heights and distances with minimal to no harm at great speed. You have talent that is able enough to leap over two tennis courts in a single bound. You get Jump! and three other traits.
• Climber. You can climb extremely high, and extremely fast. you don't even need equipment. where does your skill lead you? that’s for you to decide. You get Climb! and three other traits.
• Webber. You are adept at the creation and usage of webs from making a nest to throwing a web lasso you are an expert. You get Web! and three other traits.
• Sprinter. you are extremely fast, you practically leave an after-image when you move. You get Sprint! and three other traits.
• Something Else. Make something up for your spider. You get four traits.

So how do you resolve conflict in Tennis Spiders?

When you are describing what your spider is doing, and someone says 'I challenge that.' then you both roll the dice to see who is right. Highest wins. The default roll is 2d8, added together to give a score between 2(Critical Fumble) and 16(Critical Success). If you got a trait (like Play! Fight! Jump! Climb! etc) that is relevant, you get to roll an extra bonus die for it, and pick the two highest dice to add together.

When there are things to complicate matters they first of all cancel out any bonus dice on a one-for-one basis. So, if there was bad footing making your drive poor it would first of all cancel out a bonus die for rolls to return the ball. And if the court was wet from rain then that would cancel out another bonus die. If there are no more bonus dice to cancel out, add a 'penalty' die with your 2d8 and pick the lowest two to add together.

The GM just rolls 2 dice every time. That's the rules. So if the GM says 'I challenge that.' to something, they roll 2d8. No bonuses or penalties apply to the GM's dice.