Martini

JUST AS PLANNED

There is only one respectable drink for a DM: The Martini. I mean a real martini which is just gin, a little vermouth, and an olive; nothing pretending to be a martini or ending in -tini. It is the most "just as planned" of all the drinks. Simply picking up a martini glass kills a little bit of your soul and lets you sink even lower into vicious disregard for your players. Other drinks promote camaraderie. The martini doesn't care. It doesn't fudge rolls. It doesn't give tip offs to trapped chests and cursed items. It is death-by-neutrality with an olive.

How To Make A Proper Martini

Ingredients

55ml gin

15-30ml vermouth, dry, to taste. This is non optional and anyone who says otherwise is a heretic recidivist.

1 olive on a pick, or lemon peel

1 standard (133ml) cocktail glass, chilled

1 standard mixing glass

Crushed ice

Preparation

1: Pour the gin, vermouth and ice in the mixing glass

2: Stir well. The International Bartenders Association employs a squad of hitmen that kill anyone who tries to shake a perfectly servicable martini

3: Serve in glass, add olive. If you are a godless heathen you can replace the olive with a lemon peel

Variants

It is said that the martini is improved by making it dry; adding less vermouth to it or none at all. But this is a filthy heresy, a proper ratio is 3:1 at most, or better, but 2:1, otherwise who are we kidding, you are drinking gin. The Manhattan, sweet vermouth (as opposed to the martini's dry) and rye whiskey (never bourbon), is always '212'–2 parts whiskey, 1 part vermouth, 2 dashes bitters. There is the English variant (as suggested by playwright, actor, singer and all-round classyman Sir Noël Peirce Coward) where one "waves [the glass] in the general direction of Italy". Another is the Spanish variant (as described by Luis Buñuel Portolés, famous for the movie Un Chien Andalou, sixteen minutes of pure WTF including a scene where a woman's eyeball is cut open with a razor blade) where one holds a glass of gin next to a bottle of vermouth and let a beam of sunlight pass through. Winston Churchill is said to have whispered "vermouth" to every glass of gin he was about to consume, likely to intimidate the gin into becoming a martini.

The inferior version to the martini is the gibson: prepared as above except with 60ml of gin, 10ml of dry vermouth and a pickled onion. But if you are a real man, you drink the martini.

See Also

• James Bond, the only mother fucker who gets away with shaken martinis, mostly because (1) martinis were a lot harder back then; (2) he orders vodka martinis, no pussy ass "gin" here actually Bond's drink of choice was the "Vesper," which involved both gin and vodka, as well as Kina Lillet, a now discontinued liqueur much similar to vermouth—a vodka martini is not a martini, and to say elsewise ought to attract the attention of the Inquisition; (3) you couldn't get a decent stirred martini back when the first few James Bond films were released; and (4) taking out hitmen is James Bond's bread and butter.