Elminster

This article is about something that is considered by the overpowering majority of /tg/ to be fail. Expect huge amounts of derp and rage, punctuated by /tg/ extracting humor from it.

"Ladies, please! One at a time. . ."

Elminster is an old-ass wizard from Forgotten Realms, oft-cited as one of the main reasons why that setting sucks shit. He's powerful enough to solve any problem that would challenge PCs, and no real reason not to do so which isn't utterly contrived. He's an Urza figure without the apathy or plane-ruining fuckups. Or Gandalf with hedonism thrown in and minus divine heritage. Oh, and he's also Ed Greenwood's self-insert, the original Mary Sue of Faerûn far before Drizzt was a thing (though Greenwood insists that his self-insert is Mirt the Moneylender, who admittedly is a fat old merchant who scores a suspicious amount of hot young pussy for someone who looks like he does).

He's slept with more women than Greenwood ever will, including Mystra, the Goddess of Magic — he even played adoptive dad to her daughters, the Seven Sisters, one of whom decided she was going to become his waifu when she came of age and did just that. Just because. Dude's left so many single moms and fathered so many bastards that one of the novels centers around one of his abandoned daughters robbing his home, and he lures her in to be used as a pawn in fighting a conspiracy of wizards. What a dick.

Not to mention that he is an ally of the Harpers. You know, the organization that is (in part, the other being the gods themselves) responsible for Forgotten Realms being locked permanently in a state of medieval stasis (due to them taking away all the various technologies made by people, even if those technologies are beneficial to everyone; same for political, ideological and other changes). Thus he, along with them, is the reason why nothing changes in the setting.

Despite the Mary Sue levels he generates, Elminster wasn't always some OP Wizard like he is these days. Back in the past, when D&D was new and Forgotten Realms was slowly shaping itself, Elminster used to be a max-level Wizard with additional abilities other Wizards didn't have access to and some nice gear. His only shtick was appearing as a ex-machina to the players in case the latter had a really hard time with a truly difficult situation.

His Greyhawk counterpart is Mordenkainen, being the supreme (and supremely-useless) wizard of that world and Gygax's self-insert.

He used to be part of an article series in Dragon Magazine called The Wizards Three, where he would meet up with Mordenkainen and either Dalamar or to swap tales, gorge on Earthly junk food, and share custom spells, which were reprinted at the article's end for use in your D&D games.

He appears in the MMORPG Dungeons & Dragons Online, as a guide for your character to (spoilers) cross into Lolth's abode in the Immaterium as one of her sisters, The Spinner of Shadows, was one of the Demon Overlords of Eberron's history. He then takes you to Eveningstar to help the Purple Dragon Knights kick drow butt and stop both Faerûn and Eberron from becoming one with the Demonweb Pits.

Argument for why Elminster not doing crap is actually a good thing

There is a reason that is explained in the novels of why he doesn't kill every badass evil wizard, and that is mainly the collateral damage.

Imagine two epic level wizards duking it out in your region — and no, they're not just going to buff themselves up, teleport in, cast time stop, and then cast four save-or-dies at the other guy, you mechanics-obsessed munchkin tactical genius. True, Larloch would, but that Netherese lich is the exception, not the norm. Odds are they'll probably pull out several "big gun" spells, and the resulting carnage would send the entire region tits up and leave it a blasted wasteland for quite a while. Not to mention the villains would probably be happy to kill lots of people through maximum collateral damage or use the threat of doing so against Elminster; Greenwood grew up during the Cold War, you fools.

So yeah, there is a reason that he doesn't man up and go after every BBEG in the setting.

Elminster's Statblocks

So, with all that out of the way, you're probably wondering: what does Elminster's statblock look like? How does the Realms' most iconic wizard attempt to beat the Lord British Postulate? Well, the simple answer is... he doesn't. He's powerful, sure, but not exactly invincible.

Elminster's stats first appeared in Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 1st edition when he debuted in the DM's Sourcebook of the Realms, the DM-centric half of the original Forgotten Realms campaign boxed set. He was subsequently reprinted in Hall of Heroes and Curse of the Azure Bonds.

In Hall of Heroes, he's statted up as a 26th level Magic-User with Strength 13, Constitution 14, Dexterity 18, Intelligence 18, Wisdom 18, and Charisma 17. It's noted that he has spent time as a fighter, rogue and cleric, but long years without practicing those classes have left him bereft of their abilities and he's basically just a super high-level wizard. He does have innate psionics (266 "Psionic Power", all attack/defense modes), but hasn't studied these abilities in particular depth either. He has the innate ability to detect magic by sight (even he's not sure why, but he thinks it might be a unique psionic talent), and always wears a Necklace of Missiles, a Ring of Regeneration, and a Ring of Protection +3, giving him a typical Armor Class of... 7. Even by THAC0 rules, not that good. He compensates by applying the spells shield, protection from normal missiles, stone skin, statue, Serten's spell immunity, and his custom-created spell Elminster's evasion when he goes out traipsing across the landscape.

2nd edition saw another three important books in regards Elminster's crunch; Heroes' Lorebook, The Code of the Harpers, and The Dalelands. The Heroes Lorebook is the most relevant of the three, as it updated his 1e statblock - the Code of the Harpers did give us stats to his Eversmoking Pipe, though.

In 2e, Elminster is now a 29th level Wizard and a Chosen of Mystra. This means he knows as many spells as the DM wants him to know, instead of being limited to 18 spells per spell level like a normal Wizard of Int 18. He's got the same stats, and carries the same three iconic magic items as in 1e, but has now added his unique Eversmoking Pipe to the arsenal, and his native AC has dropped to 6 (which that +3 Protection Ring reduces to 3). He still has the aforementioned psionics prowess (or lack thereof), but despite technically having been a Fighter/Rogue/Cleric, his centuries of neglecting practice have cost him all of his non-wizard class abilities. He does have decent combat skills with dagger, dart and quarterstaff, and his nonweapon proficiency values are "he knows as much about any subject as you want him to know, because he's probably studied it over the centuries". His status as a Chosen also grants him immunity to 9 spells (Elminister chose magic missile, ESP, fireball, Evard's black tentacles, feeblemind, death spell, finger of death, power word blind, and imprisonment for his protections), as well as a set of 9 spell-like abilities, each usable 1/day, that Elminster has used to gain permanent reliable access to the spells spider climb, vocalize, dispel magic, whisper blade, ironguard, ghostgrail, the Simbul's synostodweomer, the Simbul's skeletal deliquescence, and Elminster's effulgent epuration.

Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition saw Elminster take pride of place in the 3e Forgotten Realms Campaign Setting splatbook, where he is now... a mess.

• Classwise, Elminster is a Fighter 1/Rogue 2/Cleric 3/Wizard 20/Archmage 5/Epic-level Wizard 4
• He also has the new Chosen of Mystra template.
• His stats have changed at last; he's gained +10 Constitution from his Chosen template (so Con 24), and has used Wish spells for enhanced Intelligence, boosting him from Int 18 to Int 24.
• His iconic possessions are now: Ring of Protection +3, Amulet of Natural Armor +5, Bracers of Armor +7, Ring of Regeneration, Mantle of Spell Resistance, Thundering Longsword +5, Elminster's Eversmoking Pipe
• Chosen Spell Immunities: Detect Thoughts, Disintegrate, Evard's Black Tentacles, Feeblemind, Finger of Death, Fireball, Magic Missile, Sunburst, Time Stop
• Chosen Spell-like Abilities (1/day): Dispel Magic, Lesser Ironguard, See Invisible, Shapechange, Simbul's Synostodweomer, Spider Climb, Teleport Without Error, Thunderlance, True Seeing.
• He can once again Detect Magic at-will anywhere in his line of sight.
• His Archmage prestige class has given him access to the High Arcana of Arcane Fire, Arcane Reach, Mastery of Counterspelling and Mastery of Elements.
• Finally, he's gained the ability to use Mystra's Silver Fire. Elminster can evoke this ability at-will to grant the effects of either a Ring of Mind-Shielding or a Ring of Warmth, to grant himself water-breathing, or to banish magical compulsions on himself as per a Greater Dispelling - he can only evoke one of these benefits at a time! Additionally, he can evoke it to sustain him once per tenday (granting no need to eat or drink for a week), and once every 70 minutes he can unleash it as an offensive blast (70ft long, 5ft wide line, punches through barriers like a lightning bolt, ignores spell resistance and magical barriers, does 4d12 Fire damage, DC 23 Reflex save to halve). He can also emit Silver Fire in the form of a restorative surge (70ft cone, permanently negates dead magic zones and nullifies antimagic zones in area of effect), but Mystra discourages using this ability unless absolutely necessary.

This statblock would be reprinted in the Epic Level Handbook; aside from removing the "Epic-level Wizard 4' thing from his statblock, and having a much clearer layout, the two are identical.

Elminster's Pipe

One of Elminster's most iconic accoutrements is his pipe. Adding to his Gandalf-esque portrayal, ol' Elmy loves to smoke some tobacco, and it's so iconic to him that it's been fleshed out as a magical item called an Eversmoking Pipe - or, specifically, Elminster's Eversmoking Pipe. That said, there's more than one of these in the multiverse; Elminster keeps several backups for himself, but has also both created pipes he's left around for lucky adventurers to find (one of the Chosen of Mystra's less glamorous duties is creating magical trinkets to stock dungeons and the like with) and taught the basic recipe for making Eversmoking Pipes to other wizards, who've passed them on to others and others stil. And thus, in a small way, Elminster contributes to the ever-expanding existence of magic in the Forgotten Realms.

The first ever iteration of the Eversmoking Pipe was for Advanced Dungeons & Dragons 1st edition, and debuted in Polyhedron #70; an unofficial follow-up to Elminster's first statblocks in Dragon Magazine #110 and the Hall of Heroes splatbook. This version provided mechanics for both charge-based pipes and permanent versions of the pipes. A charged pipe holds six charges, with each charge lasting until it has burned for 7 hours or the pipe runs out of tobacco - when you create a pipe, you designate a place for it to teleport fresh tobacco from as part of the process. Recharging the charged version requires recasting all of the spells you use to make it in the first place... what are those spells? Well, in Forgotten Realms, you cast Pyrotechnics, Wall of Force and Drawmij's Instant Summons, whilst the generic D&D campaign version requires Wall of Fire, Summon Object and Forcefield - simply add a Permanency or Permanence spell as part of the process, and you get a permanent magical item.

You're probably wondering: what can it actually do? Well, aside from being able to just smoke it as long as you like, Eversmoking Pipes grant the following benefits...

• The flame will never go out until it either runs out of tobacco, is submerged in water (or an airless void), is subjected to suitable hostile spells (Dispel Magic or Extinguish Flame, namely) or you say the command word. It even has a handy little mini-force field that stops inclement weather from snuffing it involuntarily. That said, if you drop it or it gets knocked from your hand, it can potentially ignite anything it falls on that happens to be suitably flammable.
• The smoker can blow down the lit pipe to launch a tiny bolt of fire that has a 90ft range and does 1d4 damage. Oh, and it'll ignite a flammable target, just in case you weren't sure. Using this ability does extinguish the fire in the pipe bowl, though, which will use up a charge.
• A 9th level or higher wizard can mentally shape the smoke of an Eversmoking Pipe into crude but recognizable symbols and images; this isn't directly useful, but can be used to create simple messages and clues. C'mon, do we need to spell this out? Use your imagination! It takes 1d4+1 rounds of work to make the smoke take a distinctive image form, and it lasts for 1d4+1 rounds after that.
• The pipe can replicate one of the effects of a Pyrotechnics spell once per 3 rounds.
• Those who know a pipe's command word can teleport it to their side from anywhere in the multiverse; there's no known way of stopping it from showing up!
• You can also create alternative smokes by adding different combustible materials to the pipe before you light it - this just needs to be done when you start it up; once lit, it'll keep making that kind of smoke until turned off. Volatile fuels like lamp oil will make it spew jets of flame for 1d4 rounds before it explodes (2d6 damage to anyone smoking it). Wet leaves or grass will create thick, black, choking fumes that make an effective smokescreen. Dead, dry leaves or grass will produce a hot white smoke good for smoking meat. And finally perfumed cloth, paper or flower petals can be used to produce a variety of scented smokes. And obviously, you can smoke things other than tobacco - from other intoxicants, to combat stimulators and medicines.

There is a danger to using the Eversmoking Pipe, however. Firstly, if you try to overcharge it (and unless you made it, you have no way of knowing how many charges it has left at the moment), it'll explode! Secondly, if you expose it to a dust storm, dust devil, cloudkill, stinking cloud or pyrotechnics spell, it'll trigger a 3d6 Fireball directly on the smoker, destroying the pipe unless it makes a save vs. magical fire (as "wood, thin", but with a +3 bonus).

With all that said and done, it's worth noting that Elminister didn't pass on everything he knew about making these little trinkets. Elminster's customized recipe creates a more powerful pipe with three additional powers. Firstly, touching it to water whilst lit will cause it to cast an Airy Water spell (duration: 12 turns), allowing the smoker to breath and talk whilst underwater. Secondly, the smoker using it can Dimension Door up to 700 yards per teleport 9 times per day. Finally, as long as it's lit and in a person's mouth, that person is under the effects of a Protection From Normal Missiles spell and will reflect any magical missiles straight back at their caster.

The Eversmoking Pipe would return officially in 2nd edition in The Code of the Harpers and the Heroes' Lorebook. Here, there was no longer a mention of a charge-based version, and it no longer risked exploding if subjected to the aforementioned spells. It could no longer create alternative smokes, but the smoke it emits whilst being used now repels all normal-sized insects, even magically summoned ones, making the smoker immune to spells like Insect Swarm and Creeping Doom (very popular in those editions as anti-wizard spells, since the constant distractions made spellcasting all but impossible). It's also stated that regular Eversmoking Pipes and Elminster's Eversmoking Pipes are virtually indestructible. A Dispel Magic spell will snuff out the fire, but otherwise does nothing. The only thing can hurt it is magical fire, but it gets a +3 to its saving throw and, if it passes the saving throw, is merely extinguished rather than being destroyed.

In Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition, the Eversmoking Pipe gets mentioned in Elminster's writeup on page 7 of the Forgotten Realms campaign guide, but no mechanics for it ever appear. Instead, you'd have to wait until you could get your hands on the Epic Level Handbook to find its mechanics. There are no longer two versions of the eversmoking pipes; now they all have the same powers:

• Light or extinguish on command.
• Smoke repels all Tiny-sized Vermin.
• Can cast Produce Flame at-will.
• Can cast Pyrotechnics 1/3 rounds.
• Can be summoned as per Drawmij's Instant Summons.
• Can form its smoke into simple, nonmagical, symbols that last 5 rounds.
• Can cast Dimension Door 9/day.
• Can cast Water Breathing for 2 hours 1/day.

Basically, it's a simplified version of its 2e version. If you want to make one yourself, you need to a 13th level caster with the Craft Wondrous Item and Craft Epic Wondrous Item feats, and use the spells repel vermin, produce flame, pyrotechnics, Drawmij’s instant summons, silent image, protection from arrows, shield, water breathing, and dimension door.

Gallery

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  That pipe was given a writeup in the Epic Level Handbook. It's probably more powerful than anything your character owns.
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  Yes, that is Elminster in Hell, punching devils like Doomguy
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