De cultu bos risus

The following article is a /tg/ related story or fanfic. Should you continue, expect to find tl;dr and an occasional amount of awesome.

This is a collection of notes by the Holy Ordos regarding a warp entity related to an individual who lived in M3 named Christian Weston Chandler.

(Special note: this is completely saturated with in-jokes that only people who've followed the story of Chris-chan will really notice, but its written in the hopes that it will be entertaining to all those who've encountered drama and peculiar people online especially in the *chans, i.e. pretty much everyone who will ever come across it here.)

The small bit of schoolboyish Latin sucks and anyone who wants to try and help correct it would be much appreciated...

Speculations of the Holy Ordos=

The authoritative text is a proscribed one, written by one Inquisitor Sukhareva, radical member of the Ordo Hereticus ca. 926.M40, after her encounters with a cult of Tzeentch on the planet Aspergillus. It's author later went mad and been confined to a cell on Titan but proved the only source of information on some cultic activity that has of late emerged on Terra itself, and was instrumental in the purging of that cult and it's foul worship of an unspeakable demon credited largely to Inquisitor Jacques Thaddeus of the Ordo Malleus some ninety-five years later, although she had to be returned to Titan for more treatment due to her disturbing behaviors including bizarre and repetitive motions, rocking back and forth and screaming in response to loud noises, all coming after too-close an encounter with a heretofore-undocumented warp entity, especially coming as they did with an increase in disturbing phenomena of undoubted psychic origin. She had to be retired from service to the Ordos entirely due to the possible implications of the first of these behaviors as being a form of heretical worship of the very entities she studied.

De cultu bos risus

Nonetheless, hers is considered the authoritative work, which is titled in Low Gothic Of the Cult of the Laughing Cow, and it's Relations to the Entities of the Warp, with particular reference to Noospheric Disturbances from the Last Years of M2 to the Age of Strife, describing the various Heresies perpetuated thereby, and their Resonances in the Empyrean such as acted in concert with the Ruinous Powers, and the Manifestations in Cultic and Daemonic Activity encountered of late, wherein such are Proved Connected.

It is a vermillion classified and compartmented work due to it's suspected heretical taint, but the following excerpt was made available in Low Gothic via astropathic transmission for use by a team of inquisitorial field agents on the planet Erinaceus in the spinward regions of Ultramar, and is for their exclusive use after having a fleeting but lethal encounter with a heretofore-unfamiliar form of daemon calling itself Christ Khan Shon-Ikkyu, who they were later able to banish to the warp.

Perturbations in the Noosphere

[TASKFORCE HQ NOTE: While the following excerpt from Sukhareva's De cultu bos risus et relatione eius cum daemones et entium in empyreum variosum in altissimo annum M2 ad saeculum discordum maxime cum perturbationum sphera animi quodque scelas heresium variosum et vibrationes in empyreum lis qui iuncti potentiae perniciosum et actum diabolocae occultis nuper vidimus est hic coniugatio probatum, editio CDLXVII, cum annotationes in studios exegetico Kashe O.H. et Thaddeus O.M. Inquisitorae, a VERMILLION classified work, is here released under a lower classification for your use by my authority, it is nonetheless not to be published whatsoever to any persons outside the Holy Ordos, by penalty of summary execution.] After these events, which is to say, the closure of the Malum Porta and the increasing irrelevancy of the noospheric center Rerum abominibi in favor of the IVth cannicula, in the sectione de aliorum, (n.1—Apparently an avenue of some sort for cultic communication.) theretofore the primary center of such phenomena, around the beginning of M3 a new minor dynast appeared in the Warp, spawned in the nascent forgotten beginnings of very same noospheric entities which eventually spawned the abominable intelligences of the Dark Age of Technology [TASKFORCE HQ NOTE TO RECEIVING INQUISITORS—viz. Mechanicus-Inquisitorial liason file 1101-1110-1010-1101-1011-1110-1110-1111 (classification Vermillion SCI keyword LILAC/1011-1010-1101, on my authority.] The dark warp energies that spawned this minor Chaos God were at first centered upon the island nation of Nippon, but quickly also spread throughout North Merica. This evidently produced curious mutations in certain bovine creatures, called lhulle-cowes, as well as the spawning of numerous cults throughout Terra, but especially in North Merica and Nipppon.

Chris-Chan Rising

One of the foremost devotees of this new collection of psychic energy was one Christ-Khan (from his name, evidently a messianic figure of some sort [RECEIVING INQUISITORS ARE TO CONSIDER THE POTENTIAL IMPLICATIONS WITH RELATION TO THEIR RECENT TRANSMISSION TO US. PERMISSION TO TAKE ACTIONS UP TO AND INCLUDING EXTERMINATUS TO PREVENT DISSEMINATION OF ANY SUCH CHAOS-TAINTED MESSIANISM IS GRANTED PREEMPTIVELY. —TASKFORCE HQ], who formed one of the first chaos cults revering it, and eventually, some decades later, passed on, the filth of his circumstances allow him to be granted a gift of Nurgle to ascend unto minor daemonhood. This disturbance in the Warp was accompanied by the emergence of an endless cacophony of gibbering, impossibly-colored chaos spawn, of which it is said that no man may look and remain sane, which are formed after a daemonic corruption of the form of an ancient Terran creatures known as the edge-dog and some esoteric device called an electric pike-shoe; along with a now extinct and nearly forgotten species of colorful equines, and later would be joined by some of the dark intellects of the Men of Iron manifesting as so-called “CPU goddesses,” [TASKFORCE HQ NOTE TO RECEIVING INQUISITORS—Artefacts of such have become potentially dangerous objects of interest to the Dark Mechanicum, and must be delivered to specific colleagues of ours within the Mechanicus with whom we have a working relationship.] (n.2—As you will note in file KF-007.M3/CWC-1218 (Clearance Indigo; SCI subclearance LILAC; redacted portions available to noncompartmented personnel only at Vermillion clearance, or for such personnel [TASKFORCE HQ NOTE: Consider yourselves cleared under codeword ACITIDINUS RURA] as require it for the purpose of cleansing taint, to be read in the direct presence of two senior inquisitors, one of the Ordo Hereticus and the other of the Malleus.) The suggested backwards-causality of the influence of the Men of Iron around the turn of M3 is a matter to be referred to the Ordo Chronos. [TASKFORCE HQ: If we can find them.])

This new Warp entity was in the unique position of neutrality in the politics of the immaterium, for it mostly kept to itself, wanting only to feed off the bizarre obsessions of its devotees. This pleased the forces of Chaos Undivided, as these devotees were granted fanatical and monomaniacal knowledge of such things as the ancient idols of Nippon known as the Animae, and the bloody rituals known as “Vidya” which would play out in the noosphere, together with their own bizarre obsessions fusing various fantastical Terran legends, harboring mutants known as “furfags,” their nature and the meaning of the name having been lost to time. (n.3—Some relation to the sanctioned abhumans known as felinids has been proposed, but by order of a Senior Inquisitor Spynk, no further inquiries are to be made; n.4—IT'S GENESTEALERS!)

False Gods

Of the Ruinous powers, it would seem that Kh———— granted the new minor Chaos God a measure of his power by way of the Tard Rage; the daemons of Tz————— known as trolls fed it's ascendant power by their plots and schemes, and he granted others perverse mutational “gifts” through bizarre rituals such as “chaos-play” and the creation of bizarre daemonic haemonculi familiars known only by the acronym “OCs”; furthermore, and the filth of the chaos cult at the Court of the Duchy of the XIV Branch Land pleased N—————. Eventually, the deranged hermaphroditic antics of the followers of the new dynast of the warp would also be granted the favor of S————————, amidst the warp storms some 30,000 Terran years later. (n.5—Consultation should be made with the Ordo Chronos as regards to potential temporal-retrogade interference of the warpstorm created by the genesis of the latter-named warp entity as a direct influence upon the creation of these and related cults.)

Thus this minor chaos entity thus managed by the time of the Horus Heresy to have a measure of the power of all four of the Ruinous Powers, and became worshiped in secret amongst devotees, some of whom it is whispered call it Tizzym, or Spergle, the latter in the Chaotic perversion of an ancient Terran word derived from the name of the Magos who first described its earliest manifestations late in M2. Tentatively the Ordo Hereticus has labeled, for the sake of internal classification, as the "Chaos God of Autism," but restricted any knowledge of it to those with the most highest clearance. While, due to it's isolative nature and that it does not generally seek to influence activities in the materium beyond a very narrow set of bizarre and seemingly harmless. (n.6—While some consider it a direct manifestation of the warp energy developed by this Christ-Khan and his fellow cultists, other schools of thought in the Ordos believe it is possible that this entity is related to the much more ancient "non-God" which has been called by it's devotees "that which does not exist and has no name yet is named.")

The First AutisHeretic

These activities, however, inevitably become the obsessions of those who follow them, leading to the formation of fanatic cults known as 'fantoms.' Their activities are similarly narrow, but depending on their nature, may attract the attentions of one of the four main Ruinous Powers (especially the Ruinous Power of Excess, due to the nature of many of these obsessions, and that of Decay, due to the unhealthy lifestyle to which such an obsessive nature leads, and occasionally but most dangerously, that of War, which occasionally leads to an all-out armed assault on a scholam; the Ruinous Power of Fate's influences are, as usual, inscrutable, but no doubt present.)

End of chapter note by revising Inquisitor Walsh, O.H.—The aforementioned incidents appear to be on the rise. Elsewhere in this extensive work Inquisitor REDACTED refers to a rise in such occurrences at the very beginning of M3. A colleague in the Ordo Chronos believes a 39,000 year warp-echo a possibility. Some cult activity surrendered peacefully to the Inquisition, and during a tightly controlled experiment, colleagues at the Mechanicus found them, after excising portions of the brain they claim contained the only dangerous warp-taint, to be superior servitor-like aides in the performance of repetitive tasks.

Far more dangerously, Chaos Marines have even been rumored to venerate this manifestation, calling themselves Adeptes Asperges in base mockery of their formal glorious title. The man may not be so mad as we have considered him; if such forces are at large, and have any intention of acting upon or spreading their heretical dogmas, especially with a profuse, scattered and secretive network of cults, as implied elsewhere in this work, the implications for the Imperium at large may exceedingly be grave.]

[*HQ NOTE: Proceed with caution. The Emperor Protects.

Inquisitor Guillame Mayes, O.M.

Thought for the day: TRUTH AND HONESTY are balms for even the wounds we ourselves must inflict, that we may STAY ON THE STRAIGHT PATH.]

Conclusion: EXTERMINATUS the motherfuckers FOR GREAT JUSTICE.