All Guardsmen Party

The sign of an imminent good storytime

The All Guardsmen Party is a pretty good series of Storytimes by the writefag Shoggy. It follows a group of Guardsmen from their origin in the bloody trenches, to their recruitment by the Inquisition, and through a series of adventures filled with xenos, heretics, and incompetent superiors.

At over 200k words, the story archive is longer than a lot of novels. Be prepared.

The next chapter will continue ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Interrogators and other characters

The squad is often paired with other acolytes that even out the team and is frequently assigned to a new interrogator. Most of them aren't dignified with names and tend to die in messy ways while the guardsmen stay in cover.

The Rupert and Alfred

An offensively British former officer with a penchant for heroic charges and a slightly psychic butler. Leads the squad on three missions and doesn't fuck up too badly. For all his quirks, compared to the other Interrogators they've had to work with, he's a pretty swell guy.

Inquisitor Oak

Everyone's boss. Officially a member of the Ordos Xenos, he runs a spacefaring Inquisitorial school and constantly sends Interrogators from all branches out to earn their rosettes. Mostly a bureaucrat that doesn't do much personal inquisiting, instead he has an army of agents tracking leads and recruiting teams for the Interrogators to use (with the aformentioned guardsmen being picked up to do the gruntwork of said interrogators). The guardsmen's performance has started to catch his attention, this may not be a good thing. Things may not be as they seem with him.

Jim and Hannah the Tech-Interns

Like interns, except with metal tentacles. The broest of cogbros. The only person they don't get along with is Tink, albeit for entirely separate reasons. They start out as junior cogboys, but after all the other cogboys on the Occurance Border go completely nuts twice, they're promoted to senior enginseers. While Jim would much rather stay on board tinkering with the ship, he frequently gets roped into the party's shenanigans.

Inquisitor Sciscat formerly known as Interrogator (Data Nerd)

A nerd with a superiority complex and judged to be as useless in a fight as he is smug.

Interrogator (That Bitch)

Superhot woman and a Grade AAA+++ Bitch, thoroughly hated by the squad except for Nubby, who falls head over heels for her. The feeling is most certainly not mutual. Slaaneshi whores pale in comparison to her sheer hotness. And they were told not to speak of her again...

Interrogator (AFK)

First appears in "Good Soldiers, Bad Educators. Has them assigned to him for a mission, fucks off and leaves them to do things their way. Doesn't get much development beyond not being around to fuck the squad up. Makes another brief appearance, at the end of "Interplanetary Man of Mystery".

Interrogator (Super Spy) aka Bane Johns

An asshole who fucks Sororitas, parties hard, never loses and is one of their most hated superiors. Pretty much Sterling Archer with a =][= rosette. They won't be seeing him again anytime soon.

Nutjob

A psychic juggernaut and psychopathic manchild. "Sanctioned" is pushing it, giggles, a lot and does things you cannot brainbleach away, a lot. It is dead! Praise the Emperor! PRAISE!

Valerie

Soritas Hospitaller Extraordinaire. After being encountered on several occasions, joined the Occurrence Border. Is dating Doc, and tolerating his idiot squadmates. Never, ever fuck with her patients or learn the hard way that she's as hard as her flamer-toting fellow nuns.

Fumbles

He's a psyker and called Fumbles, what do you expect? Well, wrong you are then! Actually a very decent guy for a psyker, that is. Just needs a little inspiration and distance from untouchables and probability fields. In spite of most of the team's non-guardsman members either being rotated out or else killed horribly, and in spite of the team's frequent disgust with psykers, Fumbles has become a regular fixture on the team. Addicted to space speed, thanks to a certain Cretin. Also thanks to a certain incident he may be at risk of being purged by anyone not from the squad.

Spot the Wonder Drone 2.0

The most awesomest little Tau recon drone and the team's unofficial mascot, also why Tink is not trusted with the team's budget anymore. While an obvious example of Tech-heresy, the team has made efforts to disguise it as a proper servo-skull, with mixed results. (RIP Spot, you were so young) HE'S BACK! AND BETTER THAN EVAR!

Fio the Tau

An Earth caste engineer the party rescued from a messy situation involving necrons, an Eldar warlock and lots and lots of heretek. Weeaboo and annoying as fuck, but good for fixing things. Currently hiding in the Guardsmen's barracks to avoid getting everyone blammed for heresy. He's somehow able to smuggle in some Tau animations for the ship's resident Tau culture aficionados, which unfortunately includes a fictionalization of the AGP after their exploits on a Tau border world.

Sergant Gravis

A space marine from the Emperor's Scythes and in charge of a Scout squad attatchment. Currently bi-sected and having his gear stolen by Nubs. Also panicking Doc as how he tries to figure out how the hell to keep a space marine alive.

Duct Tape

While Duct Tape is not actually a character, it appears more often and tends to be more useful than any real characters.

Sock Puppets

These two puppets usually appear whenever someone smart needs to condescendingly explain background politics to the AGP. Appeared once on the Tau border worlds to explain the governor's nefarious plan to provoke a war, and again to explain the conspiracy against Inquisitor Oak's training school.

Gallery

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  Crisp
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  Cutter and his Waifu
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  Doc
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  Also Doc
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  Heavy
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  Nubby
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  Sarge
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  Tink
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  Twitch
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  Jim and Tink
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  Animu Fumbles
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  Aimy
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  Sister Hospitaller Valerie
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  Tink being stupid, again
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  Spot the Wonder Drone
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  Tink does not handle rejection well
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  The All Guardsmen Party
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  Now in Model Format!
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  The party
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  Sarge and the AGP
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  Codex Approved Tyranid Transport
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  The Occurrence Border, pride of the Inquisitorial Fleet
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  Nice parking job asshat
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  The Spooky Poker Room of the Damned
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  DAEMON SUPRISE
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  Don't open random doors on the Occurence Border
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  This is Twitch's brain on Weirdboy, don't do Orks kids
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  Approved Codex Astarties method of dealing with Suprise Daemons