Chris Orksen
Chriz Ham-Smash, or better known as Chris Orksen is best known for his work on Date-Linez NBC, in particular the segment Ta Get Da Pedo-Turs.
Episode 3[edit | edit source]
"Oi ya git, dey's callz me Chriz Ham-Smash wid' Date-Linez NBCs and we'z doin' a story bout wut' panzy girlie doin' in meh camp" "I...I was doing reconissance before an eldar...raid, yes thats right" "Nice try ya gretchin' git, but we'z gotz da chat-logz frum yah puny gubbins wid ourz decoy, playz by our staff squig"
TightMachasBum types: so how do you feel about....older women
HumanBoyLoli replies: de'z all rightz, why? doz you gotz any candies for meh?
TMB replies: Oh, I've got plenty of it back in my craftworld, I could probably bring some to your place...maybe kiss you good night <3
"An' den you'ze go offz and sayz some despicables tings abouze "human gene juices" and playin' wid his "banana". Da humie git is only 12 'ears old but you'ze at least 3 thousands, wut in Gork n' Morkz namez you tryin' ta pull 'ere? "Uh...uh I need to consult the legal soulstones and pursue the correct fate!" "Eh waitz a minute, I'z wouldn't go outzidez 'f I waz youze"
The screen then cuts down to show Farseer Macha trying to run out the front door, before a bunch a Nobs in police gear tackle her. They then search her Vyper and discover 5 terabytes of /ss/ CP, 30 condoms, lotion, 2 bottles of Eldar wine, and a recording of a human traditional singer called "Barry Man-ilow".
We then see Macha go through booking. While scanning with an UV light, police find traces of human sperm on the corner of her mouth and anus, indicating that she has most probably a seasoned pedophile. However, during questioning she most denies the charges, saying she was saving herself for the most pure of humans and that "oral doesn't count".
Episode 10[edit | edit source]
"Aight boyz, we'z gotz a good treat fer da ladz tonightz as we'z takez you'z behind da scenez and showz you'z lotz'a dem foot-agez too impropa fer da growin' grot"
Camera pans to a nice suburban neighborhood except staffed with poorly disquised orks. Suddenly a wave serpent cruises through the air and lands near the target home. n da con'trol towah, teams of geeky mekboys be watchin' da survailence footage. Suddenly a shady character pops out of her vehicle wearing a trenchcoat with eldar runes, and a Top Gun hat covering her crimson hair.
"Wait'a squig, zog me if I'm right, but dat lassie lookz familiarz"
Chris Orksen becomes suspicious and positions himself behind the wall divider between the human decoy they hired and himself. The human boy starts to wave at the incoming eldar redhead while wearing a shirt that says "Beefcake Factory". The clearly suspicious redhead pedo stops right in front of the open door, and tries to motion the boy to come out
"Hey mon-keigh, are your human guardians nearby? Why don't you come outside so we may observe this world's beautiful night together..."
She flips a remote control, and the back of her wave serpant starts to open with moody lights and a giant lovebed is inside, and along the side of the troop bay the words "Free candy inside" glow via a chain of soulstones. Chris Orkson at this point has had enough, and at this point, pulls out his kustom choppa named "Un'da-Rage Kock-Blokk" and yells at the top of his lungs:
"Itz dat sneaky git, Molestin' Macha! You'z be real 'ard to be tryin' dat zog again, GET 'ER BOYZ!"
The Nob squad then start to rush at her and blue and white Ork Battlewagons with Waargh sirens surround the scene. Macha's face becomes desperate as shit, and conflicted by crippling fear yet supreme pedolust after being locked up in 3 days of prison and 100 hours of community service at a Ordo Hospitaller food kitchen, she does what no one expects.
She charges past the Police Orkicers and fleet of foots at full speed right at the stunned decoy who was too busy observing the whole scene. As Macha runs, the wind of her movement reveals that she was completely nude underneath and her hawt virgin body sets off the decoy's "deathstrike launcher" to the ready position. Chris Orkson tries to stop her before its too late, but is telekinetically thrown away of the Descartes-deprived farseer who is screaming at the top of her lungs "Forbidden Love" with an open mouth. As she jumps through the doorway, she misjudges the distance slightly, so her head is roughly moving at the human decoy's crotch at full speed. A loud psychic moan is heard, stunning the law enforkment who turn to see the human's face in complete bliss with messily Macha orally plays with his joystick like Thor Aackerlund (Nintendo World Champion 1990) at Tetris. Macha then shuts the door with her powers while bent over in DA NUDE, which then takes the Los Orkales SWAT team 2 hours to penetrate break down.
The decoy was forced to go to a marine veterinarian who specialized in suction wounds from octopus or squids for removal of the suspect. After the operation, he was taken to a psychiatric hospital for PTSD, or Penis Traumatic Sexual Deliverance. A representative of the High Lords of Terra visited the young boy, giving him a purity medal with the word "Nice" gilded on.
After the removal of Macha from the suspect, the copious amounts of "liquid evidence" was gathered from her face and body orifices in order for the trial facing her. In fact, she was forced to be hosed down on the lawn due to the huge and sticky "load of evidence" that would surely get her sent to Dyke's Maximum Security Prison. However, in a fluke of fate, the judge and jury were made up totally of young radical Ordo Xenos inquisitors who unanimously acquitted Macha of all charges and in fact she was also handed a "Nice" Medal and a pardon from all previous pedo-felonies mysteriously signed by "Big G. E." Her case set a precedent that legalized /ss/ all throughout the milky way. This event caused the Chaos god Slaanesh to deem the date a weeklong holiday, causing much embarrassment with Macha's father Eldrad.
- Said Ordo Xenos Radical inquisitors were later investigated for heresy on the charges of "xeno fever", but at this stage Macha was protected by her Pardon against Double Jeopardy under the highest authority in the Imperium.
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
As for the show Ta Get Da Pedo-Turs, the show was placed on hold for several months as the whole incident took place live, as part of Chris Orkson's plan to appeal to the new generation of "Tekk Freakz". Criminal charges were considered for the cast, but a valiant defense from previous law enforcement work and the sterling record of Chris Orkson against pedophillia stopped any actual charges from taking place. The show eventually was brought back by an unprecedented petition signed by more then 3 trillion adolescent males of all races, many of which watched the livestream and shared illegal copies of the "hidden episode" and watched said episode, several hundred times each. Rumor has it was that a certain warpnet subgroup calling itself 40kchan was responsible for organizing the petition, calling itself an anonymous legion and demanding more "fappin' material".