Useless items

/tg/ is a massive Hivemind of activity (HERESY) and also a devout follower to the Emperor (DOUBLE HERESY) and so can come up with some amazingly useless items. Here are a few with more to be added later:

The List

Shower Cap of Singing

Gives large bonus to singing, but only if you wear it while showering.

Teapot of Tea Time

A teapot that will, every day at 4 o’clock, whistle loudly and make piping hot tea… regardless of where it is (backpack, for instance). There is no way to prevent this. It’s good tea though.

Unbending Spoon

A spoon which cannot be bent, broken, or deformed, except if used to scoop ice cream.

Objectional Wrapper

A wrapper that can only be opened by its owner. Can fit one small sweet/candy.

Book of Constant Incorrect Multidimensionism

A book that is always upside down, even if you turn it over or two people look at it from different sides.

Cheating Chalk

Chalk that can't be erased, but disappears after 10 seconds.

Trippy Paint

A paintbrush that changes colour at random; paint type too.

Gloves of invisibility

Yes, they turn your hands invisible amazingly.

Tiny Everburning Candle

A tiny candle that can never be extinguished. Can never be stowed away as its flame could light up a standard backpack. (So place it in a glass jar - as it wont extinguish? Permanent light that can be used underwater? this has so many applications!)(this is not useless)

Blindfold of Limited Invisibility

Renders the wearer completely invisible, for a random amount of time, providing he doesn't remove the blindfold to check... or see where he's going. (Wait wouldn’t this be useful for those with Tremorsense?)

The Edge of Decay

Despite the awesome name, this is really just an enchanted kitchen knife with a six-inch blade. When used to slice any food item, the food magically transmutes itself to a state of being just about to go bad. Bread becomes slightly stale, cheese is a touch mouldy, vegetable are limp, and meat tastes slightly off. This is the case no matter if the ingredient was fresh or if it's the desiccated husk of mouldy remains years old. The sliced food is always safe to eat, but never tasty. (Potentially useful, or at least "unuseless", if it renders rotten food safe to eat!)

A4 Parchment OF THE FIEND

A cursed parchment that erases everything except profanities and obscene illustrations.

Abusive Monitor

A computer monitor that monitors its user and talks shit about them when they're not looking.

Airomatic Pen

A pen that allows you to write in the air, but does not let you treat the air like a solid surface. The pen just leaves long squiggly lines in a 3D space and is only potentially understandable from the right angle. The writing vanishes after 30 seconds and the pen needs refilling very frequently.

Portable Political Propaganda

An mp3 player which, when playing any song, replaces the vocals with those of three random Members of Parliament.

Magical Ring of Detect Darkness

When it detects darkness, it glows. This creates light, so it is no longer dark, so the ring stops glowing. But then it's dark, so it starts glowing again. Essentially, it becomes a strobe ligh ( can be use to cause seizure on some enemy maybe ?)

Orb of Odd Sight

Staring into it for d6 x 10 minutes shows you an event happening 3 days in the future, in a different universe. However, nothing will allow you to travel to this universe.

Electric Eye

An enchanted eye that can see right through you, with an undetectable stare. It can see right through you, but the person you're viewing with it doesn't know it's there.

Codex: _______ (7th Edition)

A series of books about leading armies which when read by an army leader gives the leader's army radioactive AIDS.