Stormrider

This article contains something which makes absolutely no logical sense, such as Nazi Zombie Mercenaries, Fucking Space Orangutans, anything written by a certain Irish leper or Robin Crud-ace, or Wizards of the Coast hiring the fucking Pinkertons over a children’s card game. If you proceed, consider yourself warned.

This article is about something that is considered by the overpowering majority of /tg/ to be fail. Expect huge amounts of derp and rage, punctuated by /tg/ extracting humor from it.

You better watch out, you better not die, you better not fight, I'm telling you why: Santa Grimnar's coming to town!

"I'm dreaming of a red X-mas..."

– Futurama

Oh yes Stormrider, the infamous and we mean INFAMOUS Santa's Sleigh chariot/relic of the Space Furries used by King Furry himself, Logan Grimnar.

Overview

This ridiculous and frankly, absurd piece of contraption is an ornate war chariot held aloft by anti-grav gyrostabilisers. Why in Leman Russ's wolf tits the Vlka Fenryka thought it was a good idea to waste precious anti-grav technology on a fucking overgrown chariot instead of, you know, sensibly mount it on a Land Raider, we have no clue. Maybe the weight would require more complicated tech to pull off but then again, these are the same idiots who thought that the Stormfang and Stormwolf were even remotely aerodynamically sound. So it honestly shouldn't be that surprising.

Since these chucklefucks designed it as a chariot, the Stormrider obviously has no means of self-propulsion. Instead, it is perpetually pulled by a pair of Thunderwolves in its stead. Power fields and runes of enchantment are wrought within the chariot’s framework to protect both man and beast from incoming fire, to better ensure that whoever rides this thing could bonk the enemy with his sword. But then again, why not mount a ranged weapon on the platform. Or even better, why design a chariot in the first place? As you can guess Santa is very vulnerable to snipers and artillery while riding it. Good thing for him it hasn't appeared in any Black Library books yet and post Horus Heresy Space Wolves are Mary Sues on par with the Ultramarines and Grey Knights. Terminator armor also comes standards with a teleporter, so he better hope that the Iron Priests weren't drunk that day.

Crunch

On 9th Edition, everybody's favourite Santa could ride on his Merry Sleigh for a mere 25pts extra. Bumping his stats to T6, W14, and M10"/7"/4". He also gains 6A with the Thunderwolves teeth and claws (S+1, AP-2, D1), because fuck GEQs. He can also advance and charge like other Thunderwolves. Beware though; he swaps Infantry for Chariot, so some rules, abilities, or stratagems may not apply to him.

With a number of wounds over ten means that he can't hide among his soldiers to avoid being sniped. As stated in the description above, he will get sniped or blasted by anything with decent range. Snipers will headshot him, artillery and bombers will table him. Grimnar won't last that long if he's shot at by Forgeworld vehicles (like 30K Dreadnoughts, Knights, Titans, aircraft or any other superheavy). He can't stand up to a Primarch or Cawl (mecha tentacles increases his wound chances) even with help from his poodles. As they have more attacks or durability than he does. Maybe Guilliman, but even that's a stretch when Grandpa Smurf's squad shoots the shit out of him and the puppies by the time Santa gets into melee range and grandpa causes extra wounds on rolls of 6.

Point is, he's a deceptively squishy GEQ-mower who can run a merry slay-ride through hordes but won't last long against anything competitive. Take old Saint Nick in a Land Raider, Forge World IFVs or one of the transport flyers (a Storm Eagle or larger) instead if you prefer not to footslog him.