Messages for Dad

Heresy? Extra Heresy.

Summary

In the grimdarkness of the uhh... 31st Millennium... what? Somebody is fucking with timelines again.

After the triumph of Ullanor, the Emperor was walking aboard his over-decorated golden toilet of a flagship *BLAM* the Mighty Bucephalus. When a random aid stopped him, telling him that his bro had sent him allot of holovids containing "important information" about the future. The Emperor then decided to call some of his sons, the Primarchs to join him aboard the Bucephalus in a very lovely, totally not gold-plated viewing room. This resulted in the longest netflix binge in the history of binging as all of the Primarchs along with the Emperor watched and reacted to the entirety of If the Emperor had a Text-to-Speech Device along with a plethora of other 40k fanfic and canon material. Until eventually they stumbled upon the abomination that is Messages for Dad.

This sent the entire family down the massive gaping hellhole of parenthood by beginning to follow a hybrid Primarch-Eldar son son of a certain Rowboat Girlyman until it leads Angron (rightfully) down the path of RAGE against his brother Lion El'Jonson for being the king of dicks to his own son and wife, destroying a big chunk of the Bucephalus' internal structure and forcing the family to actually act on all of the events they saw happen or were going to happen.

This leads to the fanfic actually getting complex and having a Humanity Fuck Yeah future in the current M31 even as the old M42 gets continually more and more grimdark.

The Threads A.K.A The massive fuck off leadup to this fanfic

Alright fuckers, strap in and listen to this shit. It all started when Alfabusa (blessed be his name) made TTS and some autists on SpaceBattles decided to have the canon Emperor and family react to it. This was done by the magnificent bastard, Praetor98, who did this exact idea. "If the Emperor watched Text-to-Speech device". That's when all hell broke loose.

The Emperor and family got to watch all of Text-to-Speech device before any of us did. Or technically, way after all of us? Get the Ordo Chronos on this, because the timelines are fucked beyond all recognition. It all started right after Ullanor happened and Fucking Horus threw a Warboss out of a window and the Emperor saved the day with his massive army of golden people, daddy tried to leave and do Emperor things when he was sent some files. All of them being TTS. So he decided, "fuck it" and sat down to watch them and on a whim asked the Ullanor Primarchs to come on to his ship and watch them with him.

As you can imagine, this all went SWIMMINGLY. They only tried to kill each other... twice? And so, after a few episodes, the others began to trickle in and now we have all Primarchs and Emperor under one roof and watching YouTube vids together. Yes, this is basically what happened. The family slowly shifted from their stoic, war hardened canon selves where no fun is allowed, to... Actual human fucking beings. They start unwittingly doing group family therapy and actually talking with each other. They know about Chaos, they know about the future and basically the heresy can't happen now because of this. Sure yeah, Lorgar was supposed to already be corrupted at this point, but posters and thread canon said no and we changed it to Lorgar not going on his pilgrimage and getting roofied yet.

Posters not satisfied with just this, decided that they must all react to other canon parts of their future, and some wanted them to react to... other things as well. So after many derails, and mods getting pissed, someone decided to just make the second thread for extras. If the Emperor watched Text-to-Speech EXTRAS, the thread, was now available from Guestlurker.

This thread devolved into madness as well. What do you get when you have a mixture of 4channers, redditors plebbitors and 40k fans with some autists mixed in? These threads.

So people just had the family react to canon side stories of the future, scarring them for life with some certain posts about certain terrible things. During the viewing sessions, Lorgar fully awakened to his psychic powers, Magnus admitted he was wrong, Leman admitted he was really wrong, everyone admitted they fucked up a lot. Especially the Emperor. It took literal teeth pulling, but it happened.

And you would think it'd end there but nope.

Then someone wanted to do the same thing, but have them react to separate realities. Yes, they now have TRANSDIMENSIONAL VHS TAPES. No, this actually happened. So the family got to see the Roboutian Heresy, the Dornian Heresy, the Cyclopian Heresy, the Lion Heresy, the Sanguinary Heresy, the Emperor Heresy (Renegades), If Isha ran to the Emperor, EVEN REALITIES WHERE THE CHAOS GODS WERE FRIENDS WITH EMPEROR and so on. Now no one was safe and everyone realized that all of them had the potential to be just as fucked up as the enemy. And yet they still watched the tapes. JUST AS PLANNED!

Yeah no, this ain't JUST AS PLANNED, Tzeentch has been screaming for days and it's fucking hilarious.

At this point, you'd think they'd stop and get back to their jobs but no. They have been sitting in the Bucephalus for weeks just watching youtube vids, reading 4chan posts and drinking their woes away. They even took a break from vids watching to play video games. Yes, we made them play video games. Angron has an Animal Crossing town and he loves it very much. He gardens.

THEN WE FINALLY GET TO MESSAGES FOR DAD.

So on the old EXTRAS thread, some shipping autist of a drawfag called DuskDawnAndFate decided to not read all the lore yet and made a shipping fuel fanfiction about her stupid fucking OTP of 40k. And that's how Messages for Dad started. Eventually, this fic got kinda popular and then branched off into it's own thread. Then suddenly the quality skyrocketed once Showtime178 joined on as co-writer and ever since then, the two of them have made a whole lot more sense.

And that's why this page was made.

The Primechildren

Aegidius Guilliman, Longer and not just a point, because he is the MC

How the awkward little shit used to look before he had two massive shards of the Emperor stuffed down his throat.

Aegidius Guilliman is our main character and SPOILER he has to live with the Emperor's main soul shard inside of his mind and influencing everything he does. Aegidius, or Gill for short, is basically our shonen protagonist except he's seven years old at the beginning and life slowly gets worse for him like accidentally causing the death of teachers, accidentally letting Daemons manifest on Macragge and having his mind shatter. The kid goes through way too much, and the writers take a lot of joy in making him cry and wish for death.

Born around 100ish years after the Indomitus Crusade, the worst happens and the Golden Throne finally fails, leading to the death of the Emperor and Terra imploding into another Eye of Terror, this one called the Eye of Despair. So everything went tits up and fucked up beyond all repair. Before this happened, the Emperor told Guilliman that he had to evacuate the throneworld and get them somewhere safe. Knowing that he didn't have the ships and resources available, he turned to the Eldar and made a treaty with them for the coming dark times. That's where the Treaty of Eden happens and they seal it with a representative of both sides to marry and lead them. Yeah, totally not a contrived way for the author's OTP to be canon in here.

So yeah, Emprah dies, the Astronomicon falls and the Silent Year happens where people are stranded, communications are down, the warp is beyond fucked and everything is so grimdark, you can barely comprehend how everything is fucking alive.

The Silent Year is so deadly, so fucked, that countless people die on all sides because holy shit, this is beyond fucked. The death echo of the Emperor is enough to calm parts of realspace and warpspace, ironically, which leads to certain Primarchs being able to return. Along with other shenaniganry.

Then, exactly one year after Emperor dies, Aegidius is born and with it, a new Astronomicon flares alive and everything isn't so bad anymore. This is the part where the Emperor decided he didn't like being dead, so he soul bound himself onto a barely being born Aegidius so Emps could have another shot at life. Not once considering he's putting a newborn through the worst physical pain anyone could ever go through. Yeah, Emps ain't a fucking great guy. With the Astronomicon flared back up, warp travel isn't as bad, communications are back up and everything doesn't fucking suck anymore.

If this is what needs to be said about just his life so far, imagine how much more fucked his life is going to be.

Aegidius Guilliman is protected on all sides by not just the entirety of the Ultramarines, but the Adeptus Custodes, the Ynnari, the Aeldari, all combined forces to make sure this kid doesn't fucking die. All this would mean he'd be spoiled beyond reason and be the worst little shit compared to his baby sitter, Cato Sicarius, but nah. Aegidius is actually a sweet kid who just wants his parents’ home. He can be a bit short with Damien and get progressively more done with everything, but granted, he's still a kid and has the entire Imperium on his shoulders and two Emperor's trying to take over his body. It's fucking tragically hilarious.

Freya Russ

She is very smol.

• Freya Russ, daughter of Leman Russ and his psychotic Valkyrie Wife Hrist, is a wild wolf child who does her father proud. Except being born a girl. She isn't over that. Freya loves fighting, loves her father, loves the Space Wolves, hates nerds and knows that you must kick a daemon in the balls. Truly, a wonderful girl. So far, we have seen her show up a couple times and mentioned a few times. She used to live on Fenris, with her father and mother, but after Leman took her on a trip to meet her uncle and get better acquainted with everything, they got lost in the warp (Like father, like daughter) after Aegidius had a bit of a temper tantrum. Freya was scarred for life on the things she saw, and refused to leave through the warp again after they made it to Macragge. From what we can tell, Leman isn't too heart broken over how his only daughter, his only child, wants to stay put. Definitely no daddy issues there. Nothing else about her has shown up yet, but she did decide to punch Aegidius and Damien once, so we know she has a bit of a temper. That's it really.

Venus and Perrin

• All we really know about them is that they are Vulkan's blood kids, along with a multitude of young siblings and adopted siblings as well. Because of course Vulkan adopted kids. Venus is actually quite motherly and seems to deviate away from the stereotype of Nocturnean women being fuck off angry and tsundere. She keeps her siblings fed, cared for and keeps them in line. Perrin and his younger brothers are already full Space Marines and serve under their father already. Perrin is stoic, quiet and apparently is a good leader? Not much on them, really. Same with the rest. All we really know is that they are most likely on Nocturne at the same time as Magnus is attacking it. So most of them are probably going to die.

Janan

• Third blood son of Vulkan. Unfortunately, because of Nocturne's radiations, he was born with severe mutations that crippled him for life. To make things more dark, he inherited his Father special power, so when he tried to kill himself, he simply regenerated back still mutated. Fortunately, Janan inherited also his Father's mind so he became an inventor who projected numerous upgrades for his brothers, including fixing the tendency of Redemptor Dreadnoughts to burn in their coffins. In the end, helped by Vulkan, Janan will build himself a new body in the form of a Primarch tier Dreadnought, just in time to defend his world by Magnus' attack

Damian Curze

• Even if it sound impossible, Konrad Curze have a son. Fortunately for the kid, he did not grow up like his father, and while he grow up in poverty, he had a mother who loved him to the point of working herself to death to ensure his survival. Father and son will meet again after Damian tried to sneak inside the Fortress of Hera. After watching a malnourished 7 years old infiltrate one of the most fortified structure in the Imperium, Konrad started to suspect to be related with that pale skinned boy with long black hairs and black eyes. Damian will be put under the care of a primaris Night Lord and a Sisters of Battle by his uncle Guilliman while becoming best friend with Aegidius. Even if he looks exactly like his father, Damian always had a very jovial and optimistic nature while sharing a strong sense of justice, although without all skinning people alive thing. He will end up losing most of his jovial nature after spending a few years alone with Papa Konrad, but he will maintain his morals and good nature. Also he became leader of the 10th company and will awaken sixteen Venerable Dreadnought, one of them being Sevatar in a contemptor, in order to repel a massive attack of the Word Bearers.

Fredrick Dorn

• Apparently Rogal Dorn can reproduce by mitosis since his kid is basically a younger clone of himself. Born aboard the Phalanx, a couple of years before The Emperor and Terra going Ka-BOOM, Fredrick became a full fledged battle brother before he was 10, making his father immensely proud. He, his father and every Imperial Fists's successor chapter(minus the Black Templars) will reach Macragge and start fortify the shit out of Imperium Secundus, to the joy of Guilliman and the bitterness of Perturabo. While not on mission, Fredrick spend his free time working out using weights heavier than Land Raiders and making Dad jokes that only he and his father find funny. Despite that Fredrick will befriend most of his cousins and will form a particularly strong friendship with Gabriel El'Johnson.

The Chaotic Four These four fuckers are all children of traitor primarchs who turned to Chaos giving them a considerably shittier life than most of their cousins. They formed an improbable team after being manipulated by a shard of the [[Emperor]] and [[Cegorach]] meeting by accident

Ragio

• With a name like that, can you guess who his father is? Anyway, it turned out that when Angron was still a gladiator and hadn't nails in his brain yet, he saved a sex slave from his fellow gladiators and inspired her to fight for her freedom. She will succeed and will steal the identity of a healer named Faleer, before becoming a healer herself. Years later Faleer would help Angron planning his slave revolt and in that occasion Ragio was conceived. Unfortunately Angron was kidnapped by The Emperor and Faleer died giving birth to Ragio. Angron though both of them dead so he never came back to pick his son. This point is where the two timeline begin to drift apart: in the "canon" timeline Ragio was still on Nuceria during his father and Lorgar's visit during the shadow crusade, being the only survivor on the planet. He will build a custom Power Armor from scrap and will go into a one-man-war against the World Eaters, his father and Khorne himself, hoping one day to kill them all, basically making him the Doom Slayer of this fan-fiction(the bastard was winning a 1v1 against Skarbrand).

Gallery

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  Later virgins.
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  There's being a dick. And then there is being Lion El'Jonson
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  Cawl's dream has been finally fulfilled
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  So the smurf is a dad...
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  So the visarch was cucked
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  So thats where the piece of shit is from...
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  Yvraine is best mom.
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  Period.
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  Let's see them brawl it out with the Daughters.