Dark Angels
| Dark Angels | ||
|---|---|---|
 |
||
| Battle Cry | "Repent! For tomorrow you die!" | |
| Number | I | |
| Founding | First Founding | |
| Successors of | None | |
| Successor Chapters | Angels of Absolution, Angels of Redemption, Angels of Vengeance, Guardians of the Covenant, Disciples of Caliban | |
| Chapter Master | Azrael | |
| Primarch | Lion El'Jonson | |
| Homeworld | The Rock, originally Caliban | |
| Strength | 1,000 | |
| Specialty | Hunting the Fallen Angels | |
| Allegiance | Imperium of Man | |
| Colours | Green, black | |
The Dark Angels was the first Space Marine Legion to be formed by the Emprah. Their Primarch was Lion El'Jonson a.k.a The Lion. As a result, the Dark Angels are totally gay, their Primarch happening to be named after a homosexual poet who wrote a poem called "The Dark Angel" and might've dated Oscar Wilde. They're now the posterboys for both 6E and Citadel's "new" line of paints. Fuck yeah, we guess? Also, Russian fa/tg/uys believe that Dark Angels are the space jews. But who gives a fuck about Russia anyway?
History
The original Dark Angels had black armour, back in the days of the Corvus pattern helmets. Modern Dark Angels instead use a dark green colour, except for the Deathwing and Ravenwing companies, which is composed entirely of bone-white Terminators and black Fast Attack units respectively. They were introduced in the Deathwing expansion to 1st edition Space Hulk with a spiffy background story by Bill King.
They also enjoy wearing robes and capes and such on the field of battle, and it looks pretty awesome.
Over 5,000 years ago, some planetary ruler insulted Leman Russ and he got all pissy about it. Then Lion ended up killing the leader and Leman was like "Whatchu do that fo' fool?" because he wanted to take the bitch-ass out. And Lion was like "fuck off, furry," despite his own furtastic name and his dickish kill-stealing. Leman, never being good with words, reason, or sobriety, megaton punched the Lion. The two of them fought for a day or two, an epic struggle between cool-headed tactician and hot-blooded barbarian, douchebag and bro-tard. Then Leman said this was stupid, and Lion knocked him out.
In true anime fashion, After Leman regained consciousness and was less-inebriated, the two eventually became best buds and treated it as water under the bridge, but their respective chapters carry on the friendly rivalry, a pair of champions engaging in sacred and non-fatal honor duels whenever the Dark Angels and Space Wolves meet. And a couple of lightyears away, the Tyranids eat a planet while two of the most important Space Marine chapters waste time on this Nerf chainsword duel honour bullshit.
They have apparently also become the love-chapter of some of GWs writers, since they now have the best motorcycle squads around (yes, apparently even better than the White Scars), the last jetbike in the Imperium, and servant aliens.
History of the Dark Angels
Due to a slight mutation in their geneseed, the Dark Angels had a slight predisposition to be emo, but other than that, they were cool. They killed lots of Orks and other xeno scum for great justice and were the most successful Legion during the early years of the great crusade, though their critics pointed out that the Dark Angels, being the First Legion, got a head start.
- (Note: they might have been the 1st Legion, but Horus Lupercal was the first Primarch to be discovered, and as such he got a head start, not them; his Legion was also the most successful one, hence he was appointed Warmaster and not Jonson.)
During the Horus Heresy Lion El'Jonson rushed to come to the aid of the Emperor, fighting his way through the Night Lords and traitor guard to reach Terra. He didn't make it in time, and shockingly returned home to Caliban only to find that his closest friend Luther had turned to Chaos, converting the garrison force with him EVERYTHING WAS A-OK. The Lion fought his way into his own fortress KICKED BACK and dueled Luther for the fate of the legion HAD SOME BREWSKIS. When daybreak came Caliban was nothing more than an asteroid field, a result of the Dark Angels loyalists bombarding their own planet so mercilessly SOMEBODY LEAVING THE GAS ON IN THE FORTRESS MONASTERY. When Dark Angel forces reclaimed the void shielded remnants of their headquarters Luther was a gibbering wreck, and Jonson was nowhere to be found THE LION WENT OUT FOR SOME SMOKES HE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE. Oh, and the traitors LOYAL. TOTALLY LOYAL AND NOT ACTUALLY TRAITORS Dark Angels painted their armor green. This rather stressing turn of events caused one Dark Angel to comment, "I hate Mondays."
Because Caliban was far away from many Imperial Worlds, the core leaders of the Dark Angels known as the "Inner Circle" decided to cover up Luther's treason THE COMPLETELY RANDOM ACCIDENT INVOLVING SOME FUCKTARD FIRING A FULL SALVO OF ORBITAL BOMBARDMENT CANNONS ON THE PLANET and mask it as an freakish warp accident. The Imperium's not exactly sure what happened to Caliban as anyone who investigates about this matter, even Inquisitors, disappears faster than Candlejack snatching away a victim after saying Ca
What? Ok that was fucking confusing. How about we dumb it down with a stupid fucking anal(ogy). Let's say you are this dude, right. Your dad is one badass accountant. Like the good son, you also go to college to be an accountant. Your asshole hippy free-spirited douchebag brother also goes to school for accounting, but then halfway through he switches his major to philosophy. GRRRRRR!!@ASDQ@#$ So like any good son, you vow to hunt down and kill your dipshit brother, but not before making him repent painfully. Also you are embarrassed to tell anyone your brother is a philosophy major. Duh.
After the destruction of Caliban
Ever since that fateful day ten thousand years ago, the Dark Angels have striven to prove to the Emprah and their Primarch that they are still cool guys to hang around with, despite their earlier Heresy ABSOLUTE LOYALTY. Therefore, they have acquired toys like plasma cannon jetbikes, Terminators that count as scoring units, and a mini-Gitmo in an asteroid to torture the Fallen, in order to prove that they are still made of awesome sauce and epic win, and to attempt to disprove the rumour that that they are flaming homosexuals, however, having xeno pokémon instead of servitors make a probe they are still being extremely homo. (Interesting Fact: The little Xenos are the souls of the Exorcised Fallen who have been forced to serve the Loyalists.) (Another Interesting Fact: LION EL'JONSON IS STILL ALIVE. AND ON THE ROCK. HE'S IN THE CELL NEXT TO LUTHER!!)